41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

All very well saying wait till 12 weeks (and the NHS isn't always on time- it may be a week or so later) but you will have physical symptoms that you can't hide.
Sickness, extreme tiredness, not drinking.

How will you hide that from him?

Bloody hell! If I was this man, and a woman I was keen on (in early stages of dating) kept something secret so she could more or less audition me, set a private detective on me, and didn’t tell me about something as important as a pregnancy and (hopefully) baby that I was 59% responsible for, that behaviour would undermine most positive feelings I would have had about a constructive future, whatever form that might take!

Thank you so much everyone for the comments and advice. It seems that opinions on when to tell him vary. I will definitely be telling him but I am so anxious at the minute about everything going well and I really do think the first scan seems like a good point to let him know. I will try and avoid seeing him in the interim as much as possible as I can also understand people’s point about it coming across as deceitful.

To answer a few questions, I am at the stage in my life where I have stable finances, a house and a very stable job so I will be more than equipped in that sense to have a child.

It is true that I don’t know much about this guy especially as we haven’t been seeing each other that long and aren’t technically even “going out”. I really do enjoy his company though and haven’t picked up on any red flags. Given my recent relationship history I can tell you that I am certainly on the lookout for them!

He also has a steady job and definitely isn’t married. He hasn’t mentioned it but I also don’t think he has any other children. As for his background, he is from a different European country and has been in the UK for 8 years. For that reason I have never met any of his family but have met a couple of his friends to whom he introduced me as his friend. When they asked how we met though he did confess isn’t was online.

we have discussed past relationships and he tells me that he doesn’t think he wants a relationship again after his last breakup 5 years ago. He was with her for quite a long time and things ended very badly. She had severe mental health issues and he still checks on her from time to time.

If she wants to keep it a secret for that long then she needs to stop seeing him. Everytime she meets up with him then she's lying by ommission. If she wants to potentially have a relationship with this man then she needs to be honest. This isn't a one night stand.

If you want to keep your baby and can manage financially then I wouldn't tell him personally. Then you will be in complete control of what happens going forwards, no custody issues, can live where you want, make all decisions etc.
Good luck

I would be telling him as soon as possible, I think it’s unfair waiting and it could also cause you more anxiety worrying about what his reaction maybe. Just tell him, explain that you know it’s not an ideal time and you don’t expect him to want a relationship with you, explain that you will be keeping it and are prepared to raise it alone. He may run away….he may not but the sooner you get it over with the better, then you can plan ahead for possibly raising a child alone (which you are perfectly capable of).

I’d say that either over the phone or face-to-face in a cafe is best. NOT by text and not in either of your houses.

Deliver the info quickly and in a matter-of-fact way and then walk away to leave him to his thoughts. Make it clear that you view it as good news. You’re not asking anything from him but that he’s welcome to be involved if he wants. This is so he can then have time to process the info (it is bound to be a shock) and also because you don’t know how he will react so you want to be in a public place. Then tell him that you will give him time to decide what he wants to do. He has your number if he wants to talk more.

Personally I’d wait a few weeks but not much more than that.

In the meantime, it’s great that you’ve already told your mum so she can help support you. I’d encourage you to book for a screening test (scan and blood test) asap. This takes place around the 10-11 week mark. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/screening-tests-for-you-and-your-baby/downs-syndrome-edwards-syndrome-and-pataus-syndrome-combined-or-quadruple-test-taken-on-or-after-1-june-2021
Alternatively, you could perhaps wait for the results of this test first before telling him? In case you need to factor in the results.

In the meantime, please immediately (ie, today!) start taking folic acid, if you haven’t already. Pregnacare do a good range with Omegas.

A baby is always a blessing, many congratulations!

I think I would tell him TBH. He may wish to be involved or not who knows? sensible to wait for your 12 week scan though.He may wish to pay maintenance.You could save this for DC future maybe ,if not in need right now.Congratulations BTW .He didnt wear a Condom ,so unless he doesnt know the facts of life at all ,he was taking a risk.You havent "trapped " Him!

I understand about wanting to wait for the scan, although I think you’re out of the main danger zone now. I’d worry though that it’s not exactly dishonest but a bit deceptive to wait to tell him and it means you’re cutting back on seeing hiim which he might not understand.
If he is able and wants to take on a co-parenting role you need to be honest and trustworthy. Maybe I’m overthinking this though.

Well, she already shared her DNA. It's a bit late to decide not to share a child. That is done and no longer her call.

I think it's pretty morally dubious to keep the information to yourself. All the posters saying don't tell him are also saying they wouldn't want to share their DC! Well, what's in the best interest for the DC? A relationship with their father and a regular maintenance payment. What if something happened to you? Would a grandma in her 70s or 80s really be a better choice then living with their father?

Based purely on my personal experience, if I could do things again, I'd let him know, but don't name him on BC.

I would tell him but wait another few weeks and even hold off until the first scan if possible.

You've said numerous times OP that he doesn't want a relationship and he's made that more than clear. You've also said you're still meeting up and enjoying his company. I think you need to be prepared for this to end when you do tell him and for him to step back or even become no contact with you. If he doesn't want a relationship he most likely won't want a child but you never know.

Hopefully he will be involved as it's the right thing to do. All the best.

Of course it’s ‘her call’ don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

Is he a nice man? Does he has kids from previous relationships? People thinking it is worth not telling the man?

What a dreadful opinion!
What about the child?
They will grow up not knowing who their father is and not have the chance of any contact.
Can you begin to understand how that may affect them?

A man has a right to know he has a child. And to see them in the future if they both want to. To deny someone that right is immoral IMO.

I wouldn't tell him. You barely know the man, he could be the worst father and the biggest arsehole in the world. He's unlikely to be thrilled at the news, so it could just sour the entire experience for you.

Did you ever have any sort of discussion about your fertility, BC or lack of it, at all?

I think many women saying don't tell him are talking from experience of having an abusive ex or even just a difficult one.

I share my child with my exh who abused me. You never know because I knew him 8 years before he showed his true colour or at least until I saw it. I'm living away from all my family and would have to ask courts permission to move. He can turn up or not turn up, but I have to make my son available and then change my plans when he doesn't. I would not say we coparent. I parent. He is an unpredictable (or predictable in his selfishness and flakiness) mess of a father, and my son increasingly doesn't want to stay with him.

So I understand people saying don't tell him. It's a huge risk to have your life dictated by someone when you don't know them. If he's not a UK national then there's risk there too.

Those being morally outraged have not gone through the hell that is family court and abusive exes who will use their children to continue abuse.

I have sat crying in police stations asking if they think there's a chance he'd kill me or my son.

But children do deserve a father. For all my ex did to me, I have tried to support the relationship. At times, I have been glad of having another parent. At times, I wished him dead (not proud but he put me through hell and enjoyed it).

So my advice stands, hold off while you can. Your reasons are valid. Get to know him as much as you can. And when you tell him, have your eyes wide open.

Wow! Congratulations!

Tricky to manage the news but it has to be done. He may not stick around but this baby sounds like a blessing.

And coupled with which, if he's foreign. If he does end up with regular contact of any sort, that just adds all sorts of worry and confusion to the situation, over whether or not he might leave the country, or worse still, leave and try to take the child with him.

Get the NIPT genetic testing

Congratulations OP. It’s clear from your posts how committed you are to this baby already and that you are getting everything ready to give him or her a great life 🤍 It’s wonderful, you won’t regret it (though there will be tough moments!)

Given you know that you are definitely keeping the baby and definitely going to tell him regardless, I would tell him sooner rather than later. It gives him time to get on board before your scan even if he has a negative first reaction (which is forgivable in shock), avoids perception of deceit (not nice to think someone has kept something from you) and also if anything were to go wrong you would be spared having to explain in traumatic circumstances.

Those saying don't tell him are being purely selfish and don't give a shit about the child and their future mental health and potential attachment issues. It's that simple

Op I think your plan is a good one, of course it is totally up to you how much contact you want with this man as you don't know him that well and are only in a casual relationship.

Definitely wait until 12 weeks and take the time to really think about it regarding the pros and cons of telling him.
Once he is involved and has been told you can't take it back, so if he decided to have influence in your life and plans with the baby/take control things could become uncomfortable.
However he could also be a lovely bloke.. none of us know the details.
Also congratulations.

I would tell him now otherwise you will have the conversation of how long have you known, you will either have to lie or admit you chose not to tell him. Not a very good start to potentially parenting with the person!