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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
CoffeePlease1 · 25/08/2023 08:42

Without medical investigations you should not have presumed that you were infertile. You might not have been tracking ovulation properly or maybe it was male infertility, so an issue with a previous DP's sperm. Sometimes a man's sperm isn't compatible with one woman's egg, but is fine with another woman's egg. Obviously you have to tell this man if you want to continue the pregnancy.

Fundays12 · 25/08/2023 08:45

Congratulations OP. I know it must have been a shock but what an amazing surprise 😍.

Anyway as someone who works with kids who are alienated I would strongly suggest you tell him. Its incredibly damaging to the child long term to be alienated and tends to damage the resident parents relationship with the child as they become older and realise what's gone on.

Personally I would wait a couple of weeks then just be honest. Tell him were you stand and make it clear it's his decision and if he wants to be part of the babies life he is welcome but if not you are happy to do it yourself. Also be aware he maybe shocked and have a knee jerk reaction that changes over time. This is far from ideal but we carry the babies and tend to bond quickly naturally.

The most happiest kids tend to come from homes were both parents work together in the best interest of the child. Co parents can do this amazingly well.

dylexicdementor11 · 25/08/2023 08:49

Congratulations on the pregnancy. My advice doesn’t pertain to the father at all. Instead I’d advise you to visit a sexual health clinic asap. Be honest about your sexual history and ask for a full screen including an HIV test.
An early sexual health screening would enable you to prevent transmission of STIs including HIV to your baby.

ihadamarveloustime · 25/08/2023 08:51

I would wait until after the first trimester at a minimum, then tell him someplace quietly in public. Cafe perhaps. Just because you don't know him well enough to know how he'll react over such life altering news.

Having a child is life altering, even if he doesn't 'want' to be involved. He will be a father, whether he intended to be or not.

chaosmaker · 25/08/2023 08:53

After scan sounds safer. I agree with whoever said get an STD test to rule anything out. You really should tell him though as he is also responsible for contributing at least financially. As for it only took once, yup, it does.

Shistan · 25/08/2023 08:55

I am shocked at the amount of people suggesting you don’t tell him, IMO that’s awfully selfish advice!

He is the baby’s father, at least let him decide whether he wants to be involved. You both knew the risks.

LumpyPumpkin · 25/08/2023 08:55

What the fuck is wrong with all of the people saying not to tell him as she might have to share her child?! It will not be her child. It will be their child. He should be allowed to decide if he wants to be involved as a father.

I think it's absolutely abhorrent to not tell someone they are a father, unless there is a very good reason not to i.e abuse.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I think you should tell him, up to you whether you do it now or after scan but I would probably say sooner is better.

Gettinagoldtoof · 25/08/2023 08:57

I coparent, and it works fine. I make all decisions as kids are with me majority of the time. When he has the kids I can go out and socialise, have a great time and relax so I'm a better mum when they're with me. Tell him, then find out as much as you can about him, his family etc so that you can gauge what role he will play together.

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/08/2023 09:00

GuinnessBird · 24/08/2023 22:35

I advise not telling him, he may think that you have tried to trap him.

FFS. Then he should have used a condom.

Liv999 · 25/08/2023 09:01

Of course you need to tell him, you didn't make this baby on your own, but I would agree to leave it for a while, it's early days and anything can happen, and congratulations on your pregnancy it sounds like this baby will be loved with or without the father

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2023 09:02

This thread is fucked up

all these people telling op what to do and reprimanding her and making knee jerk assumptions

its a toxic combo of misogyny and misandry all in one !!

op it might not be how you expected things but that’s life !

also you have the measure of this guy , ehilst we can’t predict how he will react let’s err on the positive here

JenWillsiam · 25/08/2023 09:03

Based on age and history definitely wait until after the first scan.

greyflannel · 25/08/2023 09:04

You have sought advice, and this is meant kindly: at 41 you are dealing with the unknowns that come with declining egg quality. The miscarriage rate is 33% and the risk of chromomal abnormalities is also elevated. Lots of people get lucky, but others don't. You'll know more after the 12 week scan, and screening tests, if you have them. I guess you need to decide whether or not you would want him in the loop in all eventualities?

JustAnotherUsey · 25/08/2023 09:04

I would wait until 12 weeks. Make sure the pregnancy is going well first. In the mean time, I would actually try to get to know him more. Like things that your child would want to know. Where is he from and what's his heritage, what job he does, what did he study at school, uni. Where he grew up etc. So that when you tell him, if he decides he wants no further contact, at least you have some background knowledge to tell your child if they ask one day.

SamPoodle123 · 25/08/2023 09:07

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 25/08/2023 08:26

He could say the same about her, he doesn't know what parent she'd be neither.

Show quote history

Yea, I get that. But he already started off in the wrong foot in my opinion saying he does not want a relationship. To me it sounds like no strings attached. He does not want to be a father from the sounds of it, as he does not want any sort of commitment. He knows how children are made. He could have checked up on her after they had that to ask how she was doing or if she is on the pill etc. But he does not seem to care.

It is better if the other poster wants to give him a chance is get to know him better first.

BashCandicoot · 25/08/2023 09:08

Congratulations! Have a scan then tell him.

RoyalGala · 25/08/2023 09:08

What is wrong with people, he’s the father, off course he should know.
It’s was irresponsible for you both to have casual sex and not use contraception.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/08/2023 09:09

I think you need to tell him and I think you should tell him as soon as possible, not keep it from him for another month till you've had the scan. It's going to be a hell of a shock for him too. I'm assuming he's a similar age to you, does he have any children of his own? He may be as delighted as you are at the prospect of a baby.

Then you can work out how you go forward, as a team or on your own.

I have a friend who had a baby in similar circumstances in her 40's, he's about 9 now, they co-parent seemingly successfully and he's a great kid. It can work out well. Congratulations and I hope it all works out for you.

RoyalCorgi · 25/08/2023 09:10

I knew someone who this happened to years ago. She was married 20 years, they couldn't have children, she gave up. He left her for another woman. She had a brief fling and got pregnant. Haven't seen her for a long time but she absolutely doted on her little boy.

On balance, I think it's only fair to let this guy know. Wait a few weeks before you tell him, though. Also ask yourself how you'll feel about his different responses. If he wants to be involved, would you be happy with that? Would he be a good dad? If he wants nothing to do with the baby, how would you feel about that?

CoffeePlease1 · 25/08/2023 09:10

So many strange women on this thread telling OP to keep the pregnancy a secret. OP has sex with this man every week. He deserves to know ASAP that the woman he is having regular sex with is pregnant with his unborn child. If this was a one night stand then waiting until the 12 week scan would be fine. However, OP sees this man every week!

Takentomybed · 25/08/2023 09:11

Congratulations!

You both had unprotected sex so it's a risk he took as well! So I think you should tell him. Take the risk that he might actually be happy about it and want to be involved. Good luck

medianewbie · 25/08/2023 09:12

Lindyloo23 · 24/08/2023 23:37

To be honest I agree that you should wait until first scan and vulnerable period of pregnancy passes. Tell him as you would your family when you know it’s all good.
By then you will know him better.
You will also know if he’s a good person.
Then say that you realise you were both responsible for not taking precautions but you are definitely having the baby and he can be involved if he chooses.
In the meantime you relationship will either flourish or not.
But your child deserves to know that you tried to involve their father and it won’t cause issues many years later.
Good luck.
And so happy you are pregnant with the child you always wanted.

This is very sensible advice. Many people wait for the 12wk scan. Then you can let him know if you wish to.
Congratulations BTW 🎊

pumpkintits · 25/08/2023 09:13

I'm also baffled with the people saying they wouldn't tell him, he has a right to know that he is going to be a father. He may not want a relationship, or he may end up being a brilliant dad, it's not the OPs choice of to take that away from him.

dhilez · 25/08/2023 09:15

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

Disgusting attitude, says a lot about your moral compass.

ihadamarveloustime · 25/08/2023 09:19

CoffeePlease1 · 25/08/2023 09:10

So many strange women on this thread telling OP to keep the pregnancy a secret. OP has sex with this man every week. He deserves to know ASAP that the woman he is having regular sex with is pregnant with his unborn child. If this was a one night stand then waiting until the 12 week scan would be fine. However, OP sees this man every week!

I disagree. They're having casual sex. They're not 'in a relationship'. I think it would be sensible for OP to have first trimester scans/tests completed as she is an 'older' mum-to-be, so the risks for many things are higher, confirm her own decision to go forward with the pregnancy, and then have a discussion with him. She'll be able to answer those key questions re baby's viability/health at that stage, and he will have PLENTY of time to process the fact he will be a father. Six months is plenty of time to process on his side.