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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 27/08/2023 12:03

First, obviously congratulations!!!
Hope your pregnancy goes well.

As to what and when to tell the guy -
i agree - after the 1st scan is a good plan.

Usually the advice is bot to announce any pregnancy until 12weeks as, sadly, things happen. Mostly in the early weeks.

Its great you have a good setup - single parenthood can be difficult without support.

Aa to the guy - he can decide to be involved or not. He may surprise you.

BlueMoe · 27/08/2023 12:06

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:42

For the poster that asked if we are meeting up regularly… we currently see each other once a week or so. When he said he didn’t want a relationship I actually thought about that and decided that at the minute I didn’t want a relationship either and would just like to enjoy his company. So nobody was using anybody for sex- it has been a mutual agreement. We have a really nice time together and it isn’t just sex but there are or were no expectations on either side.

My last relationship ended messily a couple of years ago with some DV involved and I am still not in the right head space to have a full on and full-time relationship. Once a week suits me for now. Well, it did anyway!! Still in shock although I am determined to do my very best for my child. It certainly won’t go without even if he doesn’t want to be involved.

You don’t have to confirm the baby is his thought. You can let him in/push him out as appropriate to his behaviour.

Original poster
Pizzapie81 · 05/09/2023 23:37

Hey everyone, thanks once again for the responses so far. I’m back as things have progressed somewhat!

As (bad) luck would have it this guy seems to be distancing himself from me. I swear I haven’t done anything to warrant this but maybe he has picked up that something is ‘off’. I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks now. Last time I saw him was during the week and was only for a short time and to be honest I think he was just after sex. Fine really I suppose if I wanted just that but not interested with everything else going on and of course, this pregnancy takes top priority. I suggested meeting on the Saturday night and was met with the following message, “Hi, I won’t be in x (my town) at the weekend. I will be busy for a few days”. No suggestion of when he would be free and I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Again, he made it clear he didn’t want to be in a relationship so I have no idea how often is normal in these sorts of scenarios!

in the meantime I had an early scan a few days ago and everything is going well. Seeing that little heartbeat flickering on the screen was absolutely amazing!!😍Im just wondering what the hell I should do now with regards how and when to tell him!! I appreciate some posters said not to tell him at all but I want my child to know that I at least have the father the opportunity to be involved in their life.

Please continue to send best wishes my way that all continues to go well with the pregnancy as I am still extremely anxious. I’m 8 weeks today.

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 05/09/2023 23:53

Ah glad the scan we went well, there's no reason for the pregnancy not to continue to go well now.
With regards to 'him', maybe message and ask to meet up as you have something important to tell him.
Them tell him you're pg, plan to keep it, can afford to do so on your own, but want to offer him the chance to be involved. Take it from there?

greyflannel · 06/09/2023 02:26

ThePoshUns · 05/09/2023 23:53

Ah glad the scan we went well, there's no reason for the pregnancy not to continue to go well now.
With regards to 'him', maybe message and ask to meet up as you have something important to tell him.
Them tell him you're pg, plan to keep it, can afford to do so on your own, but want to offer him the chance to be involved. Take it from there?

That's a poorly informed view of pregnancy risks when you are 41.

ClaraBourne · 06/09/2023 03:36

Do you need to decide now?

Tell him when and if you feel ready.

PenguinPete · 06/09/2023 03:41

I'm sorry but all these guys saying "don't tell him" will be the first ones to say "make sure you claim your maintainence"

Hipocrits.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/09/2023 03:43

I would suggest waiting till your 12 week scan, unless he gets in touch to meet sooner. Then you could respond with "That's a good idea, there is something I need to tell you". Even if he hasn't been in contact again I think telling him is the reasonable thing to do, although you could delay longer if there is no chance of meeting him (or someone who knows him).

SoSad44 · 06/09/2023 03:43

Congratulations. Hope everything continues to go well.

you should definitely tell him, it’s his baby too. My ex found out when his baby was 6 months old that he had a child with a fling and was very upset as he missed out on many early moments with his DD. He did a DNA test, and started to pay maintenance and build a relationship with her (child is over 10 now and they have a close relationship). He is still resentful that he missed out on the early days.

Original poster
Pizzapie81 · 06/09/2023 03:53

@SoSad44 thanks very much for your response. It is very interesting for me to hear it from the other side. It sounds as if your ex did the decent thing and I’m hoping this guy will too. For the sake of the child I hope that he does want to be involved to some degree. I will make it clear that I will be keeping the baby no matter what and hope he gets on board. It could potentially go either way as I have no idea how he will react to this news. His initial reaction just like mine will be shock, I would imagine.

OP posts:
WhalePolo · 06/09/2023 04:06

Congrats on your pregnancy!

I think it’s right to tell him and he needs to know.

I think you’ve got to brace yourself for a negative response - and to expect the worst from him. He may try and persuade you to terminate, you’ll need to ‘protect’ any feelings you may have developed for him.

This is a YOUR body, your choice situation. If he tries to make you think you are in the wrong etc - absolutely not. He made the choice to no use a condom too, he knew that risk.

I’d otherwise keep him at arms length after telling him, let him come to you - don’t chase him. You sound strong and self sufficient. He’ll need time to process it all - I imagine his first reaction will be negativity and shock.

I also think it’s wise to get checked out for STD’s.

Xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2023 04:41

Congratulations. I think you should now be telling him op.

Zonder · 06/09/2023 05:14

Congratulations! I would definitely tell him. And I would make sure he contributes financially. Even if you can manage without, your child deserves it and you can always put it in trust if you don't need it.

Rosebel · 06/09/2023 05:40

Congratulations.
You need to tell him. I appreciate my story is slightly different but my (now) DH and I had only been together 5 weeks when I got pregnant.
I thought about not telling him and just stopping contact but I realised that he deserved to know.
I told him face to face. He was very quiet and after he left I didn't hear from him for 48 hours so was convinced he'd dumped me.
But once the shock wore off he said he wanted to be together and whatever happened he'd be there for the baby.
We've been together nearly 18 years now and have 3 children.
So it can happen. I think you need to tell him ASAP at least over the phone. It's then his decision. If he chooses not to be involved it's his loss but at least your child won't find out in years to come that you denied them a relationship with their dad.
He might surprise you though and be supportive even if you aren't together.

FannyBawz · 06/09/2023 06:04

Honestly, id only tell him after the six month marks… why give yourself the extra stress right now? It may be your only chance! And congratulations- same thing happened to me, lax on contraception with a newish boyfriend (now DH) , I remember the shock only too well! Good luck!

Zanatdy · 06/09/2023 06:05

great news the scan went well. Have you thought about when you’re going to tell him? Are you waiting until 12wks?

gamerchick · 06/09/2023 06:14

Not sure if this has come up yet, but it sounds as if he's an old hand at getting the ladies into bed. Have you thought about an STD screen?

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 06:24

I’m glad the pregnancy scan went well.

I would tell him (obviously that would mean an end to you and him but he does need to know) but I would wait until the 12 week scan.

I wouldn’t even go into details with him either as I think if you said you got pregnant the first time you had sex it may sound like it was planned.

It would be great if this was good news for him but it’s most likely not going to be and that means extra stress that you just don’t need.

Waiting until the 12 week scan to ensure baby is healthy will mean you’re in a much better headspace to deal with any potential fall out from it.

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 06:31

Tell him at the first opportunity. (Make an apportunity)
You both possibly need STD checks and he needs to have his shock and have time to process it all before he can accompany you to any health checks or meet the baby etc.

Good luck with the remainder of the tests.

SoSad44 · 06/09/2023 06:37

@Pizzapie81 I think we often assume
the worst (and he might not want to be involved) but on the other end he might want to be and hopefully he will do the decent thing and step up.
all the best for your pregnancy and hope he decides to become an active father and your baby will have two involved parents (and families).

ZolaBudd · 06/09/2023 06:39

Congratulations OP!

Clymene · 06/09/2023 06:40

I would wait until 12 weeks. Gives you more time to get your head around it.

And you are under no obligation to invite him to any medical appointments unless you want him there.

Have you told anyone else? You will need to think about who you want at the birth, mat leave, childcare when you go back to work etc.

Congratulations!

TotalOverhaul · 06/09/2023 06:51

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

You can't do this morally. He has the right to know he is a father and the child has a right to know both parents. And bluntly, he used no protection, he knows how babies are made and he has the moral and legal duty to offer some financial support for raising the child he has fathered.

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 06:54

I think you should tell him asap and not wait for first medical scan.
It's going to be a shock and the further behind your curve he is the harder it will be for him to trust your story and reactions than if it unfolds together.
He deserves to know immediately and I think it will seem less calculating as he will naturally have all kinds of questions given you don't know each other well.

Cardboardcup · 06/09/2023 06:57

Congratulations! I’m glad everything is going well.

I’m also in the camp of tell him now . Honestly it’ll be a load off of your mind so you can then focus on you and your baby no matter what his reaction.

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