Page 11 | 41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

indyocean · 25/08/2023 14:02

Presumably you tried to conceive with a man who is infertile?

Congratulations! Have the baby . With or without input from OLD bloke

CKL987 · 25/08/2023 14:18

WTF is wrong with you people saying don't tell him? That is so unfair. He might not be interested but if the tables were turned and men carried the babies I doubt you'd be thinking the same way.

JusthereforXmas · 25/08/2023 14:32

indyocean · 25/08/2023 14:02

Presumably you tried to conceive with a man who is infertile?

Congratulations! Have the baby . With or without input from OLD bloke

No

Me and DH both have infertility (PCOS and teratozoospermia) but male infertility is temporary (it regenerates every 3 months, only sterility can be permanent).

Despite being DOUBLY infertile, trying for over a decade and needing IVF still 3 out of our 4 pregnancies where naturally conceived.

We seemingly get pregnant on average once ever 3 years of unprotected sex. Infertility is classed as the inability to get pregnant within 1 year of trying.

Zanatdy · 25/08/2023 14:39

JusthereforXmas · 25/08/2023 13:37

I know who my bio dad is... wish I bloody didn't.

You know sperm donors exist right?
Donor IVF?
Adoption?
Babies born from rape?
Fathers who die before birth?
Women fleeing domestic abuse?
Deadbeats who want no part of their childs life?
Pregnancies where people don't know the dad? (just watch Maury)

Millions of kids have grown up without a father absoloutly fine and without being 'furious'.

While I do think OP should tell him and also tell him she is planning to have and raise the child alone regardless so he can opt out fully of have part involvement. He may just opt out and thats that but I think you post was completely ignorant of millions of peoples complex situations.

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But they weren’t denied knowing who their dad was. That’s completely different, those dads have a choice. There’s a lot of good dads around too, this guy could be one of them

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/08/2023 14:40

@JusthereforXmas I'm another one who grew up without a Dad, but that was HIS choice. I have been furious at times but, only at HIM for making that decision.

In this scenario people are suggesting the OP makes the decision unilaterally for everyone, and it therefore follows that the child may well end up furious at HER for denying them even the possibility of a second loving parent, and/or denying them all knowledge of 50% of their own heritage.

You must see the difference.

Mari9999 · 25/08/2023 15:18

Even if this man does not wish to be an active part of this child's life, the OP is making a decision that has financial implications on his life, and as such he is owed the information.

Few of you would be advocating that the OP not apply for and collect maintenance for the child.

Carouselfish · 25/08/2023 15:34

Honestly, unless you want him elbowing his way into the delivery room, I'd wait until after having the baby to tell him.

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 15:49

GreenMonstersParty · 25/08/2023 09:37

If you want to keep your baby and can manage financially then I wouldn't tell him personally. Then you will be in complete control of what happens going forwards, no custody issues, can live where you want, make all decisions etc.
Good luck

I agree with this.

Think long and hard about whether you want to have to factor in the views of someone you are not in a relationship with.

It makes it far more complicated especially as you do not need his financial assistance and you have family and friends.

What if he wants to be heavily involved and take the child to visit his family?

Think long and hard about what you might want.

Likewise whether you put him on the birth cert.

Certainly do NOT give the baby a different name to yours and bring THAT confusion upon yourself.

urbanbuddha · 25/08/2023 16:07

I don’t think he sounds like he’ll be elbowing his way into the delivery room.

He still visits an ex with serious mental health issues. This news is going to bring him his own set of problems and he will need time to process it and consider what he’s going to do. The more time he has the better imo. Also, I think telling him now would relieve some of the pressure and uncertainty you’re feeling OP, and help lessen your anxiety. You have family support if he has an unexpectedly bad reaction, and you will be clearer about the way ahead.

RoyalGala · 25/08/2023 17:11

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 15:49

I agree with this.

Think long and hard about whether you want to have to factor in the views of someone you are not in a relationship with.

It makes it far more complicated especially as you do not need his financial assistance and you have family and friends.

What if he wants to be heavily involved and take the child to visit his family?

Think long and hard about what you might want.

Likewise whether you put him on the birth cert.

Certainly do NOT give the baby a different name to yours and bring THAT confusion upon yourself.

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It’s equally as vile that some women are ok to put the child’s best interests aside and preventing the father from taking a parental role if he chooses to. It makes sense now when men talk about women alienating their DC from them, if this thread is anything to go by and I’m not talking about voluntary absent and abusive fathers before anyone jumps the gun.

1037370E · 25/08/2023 18:18

I am genuinely shocked and I guess disappointed at the number of 'don't ever tell him' responses.

SiobhanSharpe · 25/08/2023 20:50

I am concerned about the 'this man deserves to know he's going to be a father/your child deserves to be told who thier father is' responses as they all seem to be predicated on the man being reasonably happy about the situation and willing to be involved, albeit to a greater or lesser degree.
But what if he is horrified, wants the OP to terminate and/or is highly unwilling to be involved at all? And fucks off into the sunset at great speed.
How is being told all that going to help the child's mental health or sense of identity when she or he asks about their father?
I would proceed with great caution, OP.

RoyalGala · 25/08/2023 22:12

SiobhanSharpe · 25/08/2023 20:50

I am concerned about the 'this man deserves to know he's going to be a father/your child deserves to be told who thier father is' responses as they all seem to be predicated on the man being reasonably happy about the situation and willing to be involved, albeit to a greater or lesser degree.
But what if he is horrified, wants the OP to terminate and/or is highly unwilling to be involved at all? And fucks off into the sunset at great speed.
How is being told all that going to help the child's mental health or sense of identity when she or he asks about their father?
I would proceed with great caution, OP.

Then he’s horrified and doesn’t get involved, that’s different from not making him aware OP is carrying his baby and taking away his choice to be or not to be present in the babies life.
Again, a huge difference between, your father had a choice and did not want to be present in your life and I didn’t tell your father that I was carrying his baby so he did not have the option to be in your life.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/08/2023 10:25

I agree with
Again, a huge difference between, your father had a choice and did not want to be present in your life and I didn’t tell your father that I was carrying his baby so he did not have the option to be in your life

i know many people have been hurt by their SO
im in that gang !

but this knee jerk assumption that’s he’s a bad egg (despite there being no evidence that he is ) is concerning to say the least

ShitMermaid · 26/08/2023 14:24

This won’t be a popular opinion but for all those saying she can’t let him see the baby, she must move away, keep it secret etc because he’s a stranger - that’s because he IS a stranger. That’s the problem with having a baby with someone you barely know.

3rdtimemumma · 26/08/2023 14:29

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's his child too. First good thing you can do for your child is tell him. It's his decision if he doesn't want to be involved. Imagine him finding out in 18 years time and realising he's had no choice in missing his own child's childhood. It would be devastating.

3rdtimemumma · 26/08/2023 14:31

Oh and watch "Bridget Jones's baby". Fab film for this. Congratulations!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/08/2023 14:31

ShitMermaid · 26/08/2023 14:24

This won’t be a popular opinion but for all those saying she can’t let him see the baby, she must move away, keep it secret etc because he’s a stranger - that’s because he IS a stranger. That’s the problem with having a baby with someone you barely know.

The thought of having a stranger's offspring makes me queasy. Like an animal. I'd be terminating in this scenario.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/08/2023 14:47

Strictly speaking he’s not a stranger

she’s known him a for a whole and knows who he is and where he’s at

No she didn’t choose this and doesn’t know how he’ll react

but he’s really not a ‘stranger’

Honeychickpea · 26/08/2023 15:00

The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom.
Do people still pull this story? I don't think I heard this since the 80s.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/08/2023 15:16

HowToSaveAWife · 25/08/2023 11:40

I'd tell him, don't think I'd wait till the 12 week scan though. It feels a bit dishonest if you keep seeing him, that's 5 weeks of saying nothing. I'd just say it now, get it out of the way and say I'm keeping the baby if you want to be involved, cool and if not then that's up to you. Done.

I agree

Aworldofmyown · 26/08/2023 15:57

I think if he's a bad egg, given the option, he'll disappear off into the sunset.
But he needs to be given the option.
I am the child in your situation, my mum told him and he disappeared. Met him in my twenties and I am definitely better off without him!! But my mum did the right thing, his shitty behaviour is on him and no one else.

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 06:50

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

So long as you have first honestly decided that that is best for the child.

newwings · 27/08/2023 09:42

1037370E · 25/08/2023 18:18

I am genuinely shocked and I guess disappointed at the number of 'don't ever tell him' responses.

Isn't it sickening, It's equal rights unless it comes to babies or parental alienation it seems.

WantingToEducate · 27/08/2023 10:15

RadishAndTwiglet · 25/08/2023 09:59

I wouldn't tell him. You barely know the man, he could be the worst father and the biggest arsehole in the world. He's unlikely to be thrilled at the news, so it could just sour the entire experience for you.

Did you ever have any sort of discussion about your fertility, BC or lack of it, at all?

To be fair, men who have been married to their wives for years and years can still turn out to the worst father in the world and be an arse hole too.