Page 5 | Had a one night stand and now feeling like shit

thecatsarecrazy · 2023-08-24T01:48:42+00:00

Well at the age of 41 I experienced my first one night stand and walk of shame and I didn't like it. I was talking to his Friend originally and things were never going anywhere there so he introduced me to him and gave him my number. We messaged a hand full of times and he invited me out for a drink. We got flirting, kissed and spent the night together. The sex was incredible, not a drunken fumble proper sex with him in no way being selfish, we had sex twice that evening, twice in the morning and taking full advantage of the hotel staying until 12. He took me home and then soon after the buzz started to fade. I messaged him saying I hope you enjoyed it and his response was yeah it was fun. No talk about hope to see you again or anything so clearly a one off, I left it at that but now I just feel horrible.

Rosscameasdoody · 24/08/2023 10:56

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 02:55

How do I get past feeling shitty?

You shouldn’t feel shitty OP. You tried it, you had a great time, but it didn’t come to anything. Are you sure what you’re feeling isn’t just disappointment that it didn’t go further ? If so, I think one night stands are not for you because you need to go into them with no expectations. If something comes of it, fine, but if it doesn’t you need to be able to move on.

IncognitoMam · 24/08/2023 11:03

NannyGythaOgg · 24/08/2023 10:40

My daughter - similar age to you, calls it the stride of pride.

Reframe it!

😂 Love it

Op please don't feel crap. Men do it lots. I've done it lots but happily married to dh now. I was 40 when I met him 15 years ago. I have no shame about my ONSs. Men don't so why should we?

It's all a learning experience. If you want something serious and he does too he'll wait. But if you want amazing sex then that's ok too. It's when the lines are blurred with one of the shaggers it gets upsetting. Don't text him anymore.

Soverymuchfruit · 24/08/2023 11:15

He likes the cuddles as well as the sex, so he shags as though he's in a relationship. But he doesn't want a relationship. Don't know why, don't need to, but the fact he's made that clear straight away, and the way he behaved before that, make it clear it's not you. It's not you he's rejecting, it's a relationship.

toomanyleggings · 24/08/2023 11:25

RojoCarlottaValdez · 24/08/2023 10:04

You need to learn more about the nature of the human male. He never needs to see you again - why on earth would he want anything more? He got what he wanted immediately without any effort required on his part. There could never be anything more because he knows you will have sex on the first night with a stranger, and no man wants a long term love relationship with a woman who does that.

This is the case in all cultures, although in some Western cultures, some men try to pretend otherwise to be liked or fit in with feminism. But you surely know all that. it's not fair, but life isn't fair. Be careful having sex with strangers. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose. There is also the risk that sex like that can make you attach to them, but it won't be reciprocated. But you know that as well.

More women need to realise this. You will get people arguing against this and talking about feminism and how they had sex with their husbands on the first night and been together forever…yada yada but this is not the usual. Most men won’t want to marry anyone that puts out too early

lochmaree · 24/08/2023 11:29

Louise Perry talks about this, YouTube videos / podcasts and in her book about the sexual revolution.

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 11:38

More women need to realise this. You will get people arguing against this and talking about feminism and how they had sex with their husbands on the first night and been together forever…yada yada but this is not the usual. Most men won’t want to marry anyone that puts out too early

I'm one of those people who did this (second night). We stayed together.

However!

We both fancied each other instantly. To be quite honest, I agree with you and Rojo that a causal shag will be perceived differently. I do think it can be off putting, I might be put off if a man seemed to be unselective with sexual encounters, too.

Agree it's unusual for a casual shag/ONS to develop into more.

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 11:38

Anyway, the fact you enjoyed it op is more than many of us can say for ourselves 😂😂😂

Freeme31 · 24/08/2023 11:39

Take it for what is was - fun at the time (live in the moment) Try mindfulness and move on. Smile right now and laugh at what you did (try it) - no-one died 🤗

CinnamonSodaPop · 24/08/2023 11:54

OP I've met men who are confusingly affectionate when they definitely only want sex. Ie kissing, hugging, stroking face, cute kisses on the nose, holding you afterwards. All the things I associate with having feelings, not just sex. I have realised that these men need this kind of affection but only show it and need it during a one-nighter. Then they are done. Their affection needs are fulfilled the same as their sex needs. It doesn't actually mean more to them. Which is certainly confusing but there it is.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 24/08/2023 13:43

"I used to have a fair few hookups….but wouldn’t have sex"

I thought hookups was just another name for casual sex? Or do you mean you did other stuff but not PIV?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/08/2023 14:36

If he gets back in touch with you then great but me being older (and wiser?!) would question if I wanted to be with someone who said this was just “fun”.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/08/2023 14:43

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 11:38

More women need to realise this. You will get people arguing against this and talking about feminism and how they had sex with their husbands on the first night and been together forever…yada yada but this is not the usual. Most men won’t want to marry anyone that puts out too early

I'm one of those people who did this (second night). We stayed together.

However!

We both fancied each other instantly. To be quite honest, I agree with you and Rojo that a causal shag will be perceived differently. I do think it can be off putting, I might be put off if a man seemed to be unselective with sexual encounters, too.

Agree it's unusual for a casual shag/ONS to develop into more.

3 casual shags developed into more. One was a French chef but he worked locally to me, ended up seeing him for 18 months. One after him met at a club was actually with the French chef and regretfully just had sex with new man (who lived further away) but I broke up with French chef immediately afterwards (he worked nights and weekends so wasn’t ideal for seeing him). Second man lasted 9 months. Third man met him on a night out, my best friend dated his best friend who wanted me to date his best friend. We met on second time wasn’t true one night stand sex was amazing, didn’t think it would develop but ended up seeing him for 2.5 years and living with him last 6 months.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/08/2023 14:44

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/08/2023 14:36

If he gets back in touch with you then great but me being older (and wiser?!) would question if I wanted to be with someone who said this was just “fun”.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

what if it was just fun though?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/08/2023 14:49

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 10:17

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies I will read all later,
Yes the reason i feel so shity is because we had amazing sex, in the morning he was all touchy feely, kissing my neck spooning even said mm I can't keep my hands off you, then went home and didn't message untill I did. I know it won't lead to a relationship and I deliberately didn't want to know to much about him but after having great sex and knowing there probably won't be another session lol I feel disappointed. I think it's natural when you get the cold shoulder after sex to feel like it's you but after him being so full on its a mind fuck. I wasn't drunk I only had one drink.

I don't read it as him giving you the cold shoulder - it was only a few hours between him dropping you home and you texting him - he replied but in your words, you "chose to leave it there".

Why haven't you text him again? He probably thinks you're not interested as you never text him back

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:16

This will pass !!!!
you will have an emotional and oxytocin hangover for a few days

but it’s a lesson learned and it’s ok

that said I’d totally delete him and not text him again EVER

and mark my words if the sex was that good he’ll be knocking on your door again
bet it
they always so

BCSurvivor · 24/08/2023 15:36

OP, don't feel bad, what you're feeling is normal, but you will get over it.
I'm early 50s, had a few ONS's in my youth, should never have done it as I couldn't separate love from just sex.
A few years ago I had another random one with someone completely unsuitable and a lot younger than me, which turned into a FB thing, but I really couldn't handle that at all.
Definitely not for me.
I had another ONS a couple of months ago with someone local.
We'd been flirting for a while and it just happened, but this time I could detatch my feelings, and just enjoy it for what it was.
I'd been celibate for 7 years, was 4 years free of cancer and, to be honest, was curious as to whether everything still worked as it should.
Unfortunately this time, although I could detach myself and am happy with it being a one off, he couldn't, and still can't.
So what I'm saying is, I think ONS's only really work if you're both on the same page.
If you are - they can be fantastic, but a lot of the time they're just not, as usually one person wants more.
You'll be fine!

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 21:47

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/08/2023 14:49

I don't read it as him giving you the cold shoulder - it was only a few hours between him dropping you home and you texting him - he replied but in your words, you "chose to leave it there".

Why haven't you text him again? He probably thinks you're not interested as you never text him back

Show quote history

Well after feeling shit I dropped him a message this morning just asking if he was good, and we had a few naughty messages so at least I know he doesn't find me disgusting 😆

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/08/2023 22:05

@thecatsarecrazy by you chasing him there and then sending those types of messages you have set the bar low. He now knows he can use you for sex and he has to make zero effort. That’s fine if you were on the same wave length but based on the reason you started this thread you’re clearly not. I think you have opened yourself up there to something that’s not going to end well. 😞

IncognitoMam · 24/08/2023 23:54

No you didn't 🙈

IncognitoMam · 24/08/2023 23:55

Shapemyeyebrows · 24/08/2023 22:05

@thecatsarecrazy by you chasing him there and then sending those types of messages you have set the bar low. He now knows he can use you for sex and he has to make zero effort. That’s fine if you were on the same wave length but based on the reason you started this thread you’re clearly not. I think you have opened yourself up there to something that’s not going to end well. 😞

This ^

BananaSlug · 25/08/2023 01:06

Oh dear 😬

LadyMadderLake · 25/08/2023 09:24

This thread is all getting a bit “The Rules” - it may have some truth to it, and I’m certainly not no 1 cheerleader for men far from it, but firstly not all men (yes I know) will write a woman off as a partner for having sex immediately, and secondly if a man does that, then he’s self selecting as shallow and not worth a relationship with anyway. This cuts both ways - he had a one-night stand too. If having a one-night stand makes you no more than one-night stand material, that applies to him too right? Nothing wrong with getting in touch and being flirty.

Personally since he’s great in bed, I’d hope he’d fancy a FWB arrangement or occasional booty call. If that becomes a loving relationship then he’s not one of these Madonna/whore men so good. If it doesn’t, or even if she never sees him again, then OP still got something out of it - even if just a learning experience about what she wants. I don’t think OP has done anything wrong.

MsRosley · 25/08/2023 09:47

She hasn't done anything wrong, but she's not acting in her own best interests. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. So at best all she'll achieve is getting him into bed with her again, and that will just deepen her (unreciprocated) feelings for him, and she'll feel even worse when he doesn't take it any further.

The Rules aren't so much about 'catching' a man, so much as guidelines for women about how to preserve their heart and self-esteem until they can be sure someone is actually keen on them. It's good advice, especially given women are more prone to bonding after sex than men.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 25/08/2023 10:22

LadyMadderLake · 25/08/2023 09:24

This thread is all getting a bit “The Rules” - it may have some truth to it, and I’m certainly not no 1 cheerleader for men far from it, but firstly not all men (yes I know) will write a woman off as a partner for having sex immediately, and secondly if a man does that, then he’s self selecting as shallow and not worth a relationship with anyway. This cuts both ways - he had a one-night stand too. If having a one-night stand makes you no more than one-night stand material, that applies to him too right? Nothing wrong with getting in touch and being flirty.

Personally since he’s great in bed, I’d hope he’d fancy a FWB arrangement or occasional booty call. If that becomes a loving relationship then he’s not one of these Madonna/whore men so good. If it doesn’t, or even if she never sees him again, then OP still got something out of it - even if just a learning experience about what she wants. I don’t think OP has done anything wrong.

Exactly this.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 25/08/2023 10:32

I think with everything (not just sex) if you did what you wanted to at the time and didn’t hurt anyone then you shouldn’t ever feel bad. Disappointment that you’d have liked more? Sure. But if it was just mediocre sex then you wouldn’t be feeling the disappointment, you’d just be feeling like you had a ons and it was fine. The feelings are probably coming from the knowledge of what you will miss out on if it doesn’t happen again.

How is the texting going? Might you meet again?