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Original poster

Had a one night stand and now feeling like shit

133 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 02:48

Well at the age of 41 I experienced my first one night stand and walk of shame and I didn't like it.
I was talking to his Friend originally and things were never going anywhere there so he introduced me to him and gave him my number. We messaged a hand full of times and he invited me out for a drink. We got flirting, kissed and spent the night together. The sex was incredible, not a drunken fumble proper sex with him in no way being selfish, we had sex twice that evening, twice in the morning and taking full advantage of the hotel staying until 12. He took me home and then soon after the buzz started to fade. I messaged him saying I hope you enjoyed it and his response was yeah it was fun. No talk about hope to see you again or anything so clearly a one off, I left it at that but now I just feel horrible.

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 24/08/2023 09:13

Were you drinking at all? Could that be making you feel shitty? You've done nothing wrong xx you don't have to feel bad (but appreciate you do!)

Maybe it doesn't fit in to your normal values? Maybe just chalk it up to experience, and great that the sex was amazing not rubbish!!

Sallyh87 · 24/08/2023 09:20

Sounds like you had fun! Why feel bad about it? As long as you were safe then good on you!

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/08/2023 09:20

@thecatsarecrazy

absolutely no reason to feel shitty

you had great sex, lots of men are shit at sex, you should feel happy!

TheSkull · 24/08/2023 09:23

Buffypaws · 24/08/2023 06:51

It’s a moral hangover. I used to have them but the feeling fades and my conquests became a point of pride.

I don’t think it’s rejection it’s more of a come down.

100 per cent

toomanyleggings · 24/08/2023 09:24

Just don’t do it again. It’s not for you. It’s not for a lot of women.

Pinkdelight3 · 24/08/2023 09:25

On our deathbed we'll all wish we had more great sex with near strangers in hotel rooms.

@Whataretheodds I love this. Am always glad I 'went around the block' before settling down. OP, it sounds like your actual ONS was excellent and it's your take on it now 'walk of shame' etc that's the real issue. Hope you can re-frame and feel more positive.

BigButtons · 24/08/2023 09:27

Don’t feel bad. You had amazing sex!
thing is that for many women sex is about emotional bonding. Most men can have sex without getting emotionally involved.
what many of us want is mind blowing sex with a bonded partner of course- maybe that is why you are feeing a bit meh?

TotalOverhaul · 24/08/2023 09:31

You just need to accept what you did and why you did it without any guilt or shame. You had great sex with a stranger. It's allowed. You don't have to hold out hope he will fall for you or you for him as a result. You are allowed to have physical desire met without any repercussions. Remind yourself that you really don't have to get emotionally involved and may have nothing else in common with him. But you can also admit you learned from this experience that you prefer to be in a relationship before having wild sex.
Still...wild sex is nice.

LadyMadderLake · 24/08/2023 09:33

Maybe he read your text as implying it was a one off and nothing more to it, so he responded the same way? Agree with others, give it a few days, and if you feel you’d rather not have one-night-stands then that’s ok. But as they go, it sounds great.

I’ve had worse. MUCH worse… (memories of being up all night listening to one bloke lament his small penis size… it was small but I was kind about it and wouldn’t have said anything, but him keeping me up talking about it was grim - then in the morning he begged me to read his terrible novel and gave me a copy to take home. At least it was better than that OP)

horseyhorsey17 · 24/08/2023 09:48

One-night stands take a certain mindset. I used to find the whole 'pulling' thing fun in my 20s but now I'm in my 40s, they're an absolute no-no. You just have to take them for what they are and enjoy that, but it's hard not to feel used, I find. I also think I am worth more than just a shag, which is why I won't do them. But that's trial and error and now you know you're worth more than that too and can avoid in future.

Middleagedmeangirls · 24/08/2023 09:48

I've been married nearly 40 years so it's been a long time since I last had a ONS but I still vividly remember how shit I used to feel afterwards.

in my case it's because although I presented as a fun loving, independent 8-a career woman who was up for a fling that wasn't true at all (although I don't think I realised it at the time). The sex meant a great deal to me and I was hoping that it would help convert a flirtation /hook up into a relationship. I felt shit afterwards because I was so disappointed that didn't happen and the guy moved on without a backward glance.

luckily I'm not a slow learner. It only had to happen twice for me to realise that casual sex did not make me happy. The next man I liked I dated for a while before sleeping with him (about 6 weeks which was a glacier like speed even back then!). And then I married him.

horseyhorsey17 · 24/08/2023 09:49

LadyMadderLake · 24/08/2023 09:33

Maybe he read your text as implying it was a one off and nothing more to it, so he responded the same way? Agree with others, give it a few days, and if you feel you’d rather not have one-night-stands then that’s ok. But as they go, it sounds great.

I’ve had worse. MUCH worse… (memories of being up all night listening to one bloke lament his small penis size… it was small but I was kind about it and wouldn’t have said anything, but him keeping me up talking about it was grim - then in the morning he begged me to read his terrible novel and gave me a copy to take home. At least it was better than that OP)

Hahahahaha! I think I went on a date with that guy...did loads of coke at the table then got his penis out and said 'is this the smallest you've ever seen'? Reader, it was.

horseyhorsey17 · 24/08/2023 09:51

I think it's easier to have mind-blowing sex with a stranger as there are no expectations. You don't really care if it's not amazing in the same way you do with a bonded partner. So there's that.

RojoCarlottaValdez · 24/08/2023 10:04

You need to learn more about the nature of the human male. He never needs to see you again - why on earth would he want anything more? He got what he wanted immediately without any effort required on his part. There could never be anything more because he knows you will have sex on the first night with a stranger, and no man wants a long term love relationship with a woman who does that.

This is the case in all cultures, although in some Western cultures, some men try to pretend otherwise to be liked or fit in with feminism. But you surely know all that. it's not fair, but life isn't fair. Be careful having sex with strangers. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose. There is also the risk that sex like that can make you attach to them, but it won't be reciprocated. But you know that as well.

NoraBattysCurlers · 24/08/2023 10:08

Justleaveitblankthen · 24/08/2023 06:35

He's currently all shagged out OP.
He'll be back in touch before the end of the week Wink

😂

DragonFly98 · 24/08/2023 10:09

Sex is designed to bind two people who are in a relationship together you are the most vulnerable you can be with another person. That's why it's so intimate and that's why you feel crap. Just save the sex for committed relationships and you won't feel like this.

DuringDuran · 24/08/2023 10:14

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 02:55

How do I get past feeling shitty?

It's a mechanism. It will slowly pass. It needs to be there so that next time, in the same situation, the part of you that is eager to jump to bed will be tempered by the memory of feeling shitty.

That's what remorse is for. Its role is the tampering of future impulses.

Original poster
thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 10:17

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies I will read all later,
Yes the reason i feel so shity is because we had amazing sex, in the morning he was all touchy feely, kissing my neck spooning even said mm I can't keep my hands off you, then went home and didn't message untill I did. I know it won't lead to a relationship and I deliberately didn't want to know to much about him but after having great sex and knowing there probably won't be another session lol I feel disappointed. I think it's natural when you get the cold shoulder after sex to feel like it's you but after him being so full on its a mind fuck. I wasn't drunk I only had one drink.

OP posts:
Theborder · 24/08/2023 10:19

Sounds like a successful night. Drop the shame though. I’m pretty certain he’s just going on about his day (feeling no shame). Just look back and smile, and move on.

MeAgainPeeps · 24/08/2023 10:19

You had sex and you enjoyed it. Why do you feel shame?

ChristmasCwtch · 24/08/2023 10:33

I agree that it’s not the sex you’re regretting necessarily, but the perceived rejection of him not actively pursuing you.

How would you feel if he messaged to say “That was amazing, can’t wait to see you again. Are you free Friday?”

…you’d probably feel really good about it.

Hope you can put it to the back of your mind, you’ll soon move on. 2 of my best friends actually went on to marry their supposed to be ONSs, so it does lead to romance sometimes.

DameCurlyBassey · 24/08/2023 10:38

AgnesX · 24/08/2023 08:25

Look at it for what it was...a nice night, decent company, good sex. Then put it down to experience and forget it. You now know casual sex isn't your thing.

Chocolate will help.

Show quote history

And ice cream.

NannyGythaOgg · 24/08/2023 10:40

My daughter - similar age to you, calls it the stride of pride.

Reframe it!

billy1966 · 24/08/2023 10:41

It's the lingering hormones of great sex and that it was a one night stand.

Great sex is such a joy and for some women a rarity, that when it happens unexpectedly, there can be a rush of over invested emotions out of nowhere.

If the sex had been meh, you probably wouldn't feel like this at all.

Knock that shame shit on the head.

THAT is not good.

Years ago my close friend had incredible sex on a ONS and started dating the guy.
She was early 30's.
He was dull beyond words.
But attractive.
He was keen on her but out of the sack he would bore the arse off a saint.
We went out as a foursome so I remember him clearly.
She saw him for a few months before she weaned herself off the best sex of her life.
25 years later she will still mention him, as in wtf?
The disconnect to being incredible in bed and boring as hell.
The night we went out my friend told me to stop staring at him, as I was apparently looking at him like he was a lab specimen trying to figure him out😁

mibid · 24/08/2023 10:51

Are you hungover?