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Original poster

Had a one night stand and now feeling like shit

133 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 02:48

Well at the age of 41 I experienced my first one night stand and walk of shame and I didn't like it.
I was talking to his Friend originally and things were never going anywhere there so he introduced me to him and gave him my number. We messaged a hand full of times and he invited me out for a drink. We got flirting, kissed and spent the night together. The sex was incredible, not a drunken fumble proper sex with him in no way being selfish, we had sex twice that evening, twice in the morning and taking full advantage of the hotel staying until 12. He took me home and then soon after the buzz started to fade. I messaged him saying I hope you enjoyed it and his response was yeah it was fun. No talk about hope to see you again or anything so clearly a one off, I left it at that but now I just feel horrible.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 08:13

Flaming imminent but I don't think many woman are cut out for one night stands and casual sex.

Aside from at ovulation time, when things go a bit whacky, I think that we're evolved to act like we might be pregnant because (before reliable contraception) we might have been. It would be interesting to see what the difference is between women's feelings before & after their next period (after the casual sex).
Takes a while for oxytocin to fade too.

All I know is that most women I know who had casual sex end up upset. Even if they didn't want the guy before, they feel like they want him - or at least want the option of him, afterward.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/08/2023 08:16

I think your feelings are hurt because you feel you had a wonderful time and he didn't ask to see you again.

I see where you're coming from - drinks, a night in a hotel, morning (sober) sex and he even drove you home afterwards - it's a bit different to your typical "movie" ONS when you leave his apartment alone the next day as he's already left for work 😂

It's normal to feel a bit rejected and "meh" but you have no reason to. You had a night of great sex and left on good terms - sounds like a win to me!

Dalekjastninerels · 24/08/2023 08:19

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 08:13

Flaming imminent but I don't think many woman are cut out for one night stands and casual sex.

Aside from at ovulation time, when things go a bit whacky, I think that we're evolved to act like we might be pregnant because (before reliable contraception) we might have been. It would be interesting to see what the difference is between women's feelings before & after their next period (after the casual sex).
Takes a while for oxytocin to fade too.

All I know is that most women I know who had casual sex end up upset. Even if they didn't want the guy before, they feel like they want him - or at least want the option of him, afterward.

For some women perhaps, but not all.

The idea of a LTR fills me with dread and ONS are as far as I have ever gone.

heartofglass23 · 24/08/2023 08:24

That's not a ONS!

It sounds like it was enjoyed by both of you.

I can't see anything to be upset about?!

AgnesX · 24/08/2023 08:25

thecatsarecrazy · 24/08/2023 02:55

How do I get past feeling shitty?

Look at it for what it was...a nice night, decent company, good sex. Then put it down to experience and forget it. You now know casual sex isn't your thing.

Chocolate will help.

Lovemusic82 · 24/08/2023 08:27

You feel shitty because of his response to your message? You were hoping he wanted to see you again?

Concentrate on the fact you had amazing sex, if it was a one off so be it. It was a one night stand. There’s no walk of shame.

Maybe ONS’s are not for you, you know now and probably won’t do it again.

Like some other posters I now prefer ONS’s or FWB’s, it’s great to just walk away knowing I have had good sex with no strings attached. But I totally get that it’s not for everyone, just like relationships are not for everyone.

Viviennemary · 24/08/2023 08:28

You just need to move on. Say I might regret this now but it's done and I can't turn the clock back. Don't do it again as it's made you feel bad and who wants that.

Namechangerererererer · 24/08/2023 08:28

Channel your inner Samantha Jones and embrace it for what it was. It sounds like a good few hours.

I know what you mean though, sex and emotional closeness go hand in hand for me so I think i'd feel a bit weird after a ONS. You've done nothing wrong though to warrant feeling that way

Namechangedforthis25 · 24/08/2023 08:31

having done this in my 20s there were times I felt rubbish and times I felt empowered
— a one night stand is literally that - meeting up to have sex for the fun of sex itself - nothing else. It sounds like sex was always this guys goal. If it wasn’t yours then you would feel shit. If you reframe to: it was your goal and you had fun and can move on - then you will feel fine.

  • so perhaps you feel shit because you wanted this to go somewhere. So many one night stands simply do not - not to be taken as an insult at all. It’s literally just what the people wanted goikg into it
  • so don’t feel bad that he doesn’t want to meet up. I know it’s confusing because you probably cuddled and had some nice moments in the morning - but that’s post sex interaction - not a build up to a relationship.
  • otherwise there is no need to feel shame at all. You are simply doing what you are entitled to as a woman in your 40s - sex is a key part of the human existence - whether in or out of marriage. Nothing to be ashamed about - just think of SATC!
  • but if you do tend to get emotionally attached then one night stands aren’t for you so perhaps don’t do it in future
oakleaffy · 24/08/2023 08:31

rwalker · 24/08/2023 05:21

I don’t think it’s the sex I think it’s you would like it to go further and it isn’t going to
its disappointment not shame you feeling

THIS.

Women {not all!} tend to need an emotional connection with a partner.

ONS are not for me, either.

Don't feel ashamed, OP

Just hope he was single and not married with a family {Maybe the reason he doesn't want to know now}

Tonightsthenight91 · 24/08/2023 08:36

OP, the way I see it is you’ve got a fun story to tell in the nursing home now.

Please don’t feel like shit, it was a new experience, you had fun, you both gained something from it. Now on to the next one.

chin up, tits out, crack on 💐

MattBerrysHair · 24/08/2023 08:37

OP, you may be experiencing a dopamine drop. I sometimes dabble in swinging (no judgement, please, we're all consenting adults) with my dp, and "the drop" is a well known and frequently discussed element in the swinging community. After doing something that heightens your adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin levels it isn't unusual to feel low for a couple of days afterwards. Be nice to yourself, do things that bring you comfort, and try not to attribute your feelings to a sense of shame as it's much more likely to be a natural physiological response rather than psychological. The low feeling will pass soon enough.

ValentinaTheVampire · 24/08/2023 08:38

I hate one night stands op. I had a few in my youth and never enjoyed them. I definitely need to feel secure in a relationship to enjoy sex. Even if dh and I are having a rough patch, I don't want sex with him. No idea why, I just don't have that drive unless I'm connected to the person in some way and feel like we are at least good friends.

Lesson learnt that maybe they aren't for you. Also agree you weren't wrong for thinking it was a date and not just a hook up. Sounds more like a date

LaurelandHedgy · 24/08/2023 08:46

Can you give us his number"? 😁

MissBiljanaElectronika · 24/08/2023 08:47

Yes this is normal

I did it once at 19, and just kept wondering if it was so great why did he never contact me again to repeat it 😁

i was way too proud to be the first one contacting him though…. So maybe he thought the same

in the end I chalked it up to experience

and realised OnS was just not for me

Honitonhorses875 · 24/08/2023 08:48

It’s not clear from your op whether you are looking for a long term relationship or not and I suppose that may affect how you feel about the outcome of your ONS.

You were obviously hoping for more from him bc you were disappointed when he didn’t mention any further dates.

So I think it’s better to be clear from the outset what you want (in your own head and be clear when you go on dates) and that way there is no misunderstanding.

Sorry that you are feeling horrible though 💐

Aquaphant · 24/08/2023 08:48

I ended up marrying my only "one night stand" partner, so I think it's too soon to write him off! He'll probably text you in a day or two.

Ilovepugs2017 · 24/08/2023 08:52

ErmWhatever · 24/08/2023 07:46

You've drained the life force from him. Give it time, he will probably get touch.
If he doesn't, then you at least gained a life lesson that you're not someone who enjoys one night stands.
Better the lesson learned from a Sex God than with a 2 pump chump. It's a win win situation.

Go easy on yourself x

2 pump chump 😂😂😂😂
this has made my morning hahaha

Usernamen · 24/08/2023 08:58

You’re just tired and hungover.

You’ll look back at this night fondly soon.

MsRosley · 24/08/2023 08:58

For most women, sex acts as a bonding experience. You feel shitty because your brain is craving more of him.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/08/2023 08:58

My first one night stand was probably similar to yours OP as I didn’t even realise that was what it was. After being engaged and in a couple of relationships in my 20’s I then spent a couple of years single and having one night stands (and clubbing) just because I could. Sometimes I went back to the man’s house but didn’t have sex or even do anything sexual.

For me it boosted my confidence as I treated men a bit like they would treat me as a one night stand.

You just have to get over the fact that yes it was great sex but on his part it was simply fun and on your part you’d have liked it to have gone further. Nothing wrong with what both of you wanted. Be kind to yourself.

Usernamen · 24/08/2023 09:00

Tonightsthenight91 · 24/08/2023 08:36

OP, the way I see it is you’ve got a fun story to tell in the nursing home now.

Please don’t feel like shit, it was a new experience, you had fun, you both gained something from it. Now on to the next one.

chin up, tits out, crack on 💐

Ha, love this.

Make your life a rich tapestry of experience so you’ve got stories to tell in the twilight years 💜

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 24/08/2023 09:06

Do not feel guilty in anyway.

You had a good time yes?
So see it as such and be happy about it.

Honestly, it sounds as though you probably didn’t get much sleep and that mixed with the intense emotions is probably why you feel a bit down today.

Get a good nights rest tonight and you’ll feel much better tomorrow.

I do understand why you feel a bit down about the text but he may just have seen it as a one off or it may be that he’s just not good at expressing his feelings.

You both had a great time.
If it goes somewhere then great, if not it doesn’t take away from the great time you had.

NewCracker · 24/08/2023 09:08

Your probably feeling shit because the sex was great and you'd like more of it!

Wheresthebeach · 24/08/2023 09:12

Sorry you're feeling shitty OP. Give it time. ONS aren't for you so that's fine.

My only advice is don't make this into more than it is...I had a relationship that should have stayed as holiday romance in my youth. My mistake was not waving a fond farewell when the plane it the tarmac!