Is it me or is everyone splitting up?

[CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease]

Or at least that's how it seems.
In the last few weeks I've known 6 couples to split up, all long term relationships, all with kids and a mortgage etc.
Some of the couples were people I genuinely thought would be together forever although nobody knows the ins and outs of someone's relationship.

@Greenwitchhorse Good on these people for making the mature decision to leave a partner who is no longer compatible/does not bring positivity to their lives rather than stay in a miserable marriage and waste their life...

This is exactly what happened to me. I was not 40 (although at 40 I was definitely contemplating it already) I was turning 50 when it hit me. I lived a fake life, I kept quiet to avoid conflict, gave up on most of my dreams and wants because he did not want them and I did not want to cause a scene. I suddenly realized that I am extremely unhappy, resentful and that I am not living my life at all, let alone to its fullest. I have to say that I hate it when people say it is menopausal crises. I was not hormonal, I was fed up just like many of us are and I finally decided to call it quits. At 40 or 50 you finally grow into your self, I think, you know who you are, what you want and do not want.

Do not get fooled by all the “happy marriages” around you. Most of the divorces amongst my friends and family came out of seemingly perfect marriages, including mine. I never told anyone I was not happy and so when I told them everyone was shocked including my own sister (and my husband for that matter).

@iamenough2023 very well said. I don’t know if you are doing through divorce now or it is in the past, but I hope you have found contentment.

you have described exactly how I feel, down to the surprise of my husband

I can relate to a lot of this. I split from ex dh when I was 46. I didn’t know it but now realise I was peri menopausal.
I too had given up on my dreams. I’d forsaken my career, ploughed my efforts into my dh and dcs. I was run ragged cooking and cleaning. I no longer wanted to have sex with my dh as I felt like a domestic servant. He did as he pleased.
Dh blamed me said he wanted more sex and a cleaner house. There was a final straw and I told him to leave.
I remember clearly afterwards hearing how lots of men talk to their wives and thinking why do they tolerate this?
Anyhow, the vast majority of children are from broken homes or are in blended homes.
The nuclear family with a biological mum, biological dad and full biological siblings is a thing of the past for the majority of children.
I can’t see this trend reversing any time soon.
All the women I work with took time off to care for dcs in covid. None of their husbands did. No wonder divorce rates are high.

I'm mid 40s and I don't know many couples who have split up, but the few that have are the ones who got together in their 20s. The ones who met mid 30s onwards all still seem to be going strong.

The comment about once you're divorced, you start noticing how many (not all) men talk to their wives resonated with me. There have been many occasions when I have been out and been unfortunate to overhear truly nasty comments made by men to the woman accompanying them. That's when I've silently breathed a sigh of relief that it won't ever happen to me again.
On another note, I can't be the only one who would have loved my mum to leave my bullying father, but she never did. My mother belonged to an earlier generation where divorce was seen as shameful. What a waste of lives.

@barbarahunter the thing is though that this is only a minute in time and could be as meaningful as the women who post loved up pics with their husbands on FB and yet are having emotional affairs behind their H's back.

I’m 42 and also getting divorced
it must just be a reflective time, kids getting older. Less time to do what you want, or waste time on what you don’t

Another one her echoing what daffodil and barbarahunter have said.
I now have an acute awareness of how men in their 40s-60s behave towards their wife or significant other.
I hear the way they speak, I see the eye rolls and their huffing.
I don't see it with much older (elderly) men. They seem respectful. A lot (not all) young men seem polite and respectful to their girls too.
It's a particular issue with the middle aged men . Quite glad I'm not carrying one anymore.

It feels a bit pointless dating in my 30s. It almost feel like any woman that men date in their 30s are going to have some kind of crisis in their 40s-50s reading some of these comments.

I'd agree that who you date in your 20s or younger, it seems highly likely you'll break up in your 30s or 40s (often when children reach secondary school or early adulthood seems to be the norm).

I agree with this.

My tolerance levels are much lower these days bit l didn't get married til l was 39 which means l will probably miss the transfer window!!

Moonlightdust · Yesterday 13:34
My guess as a reason for the decline is a combination of open marriages and spouses living separate lives but staying together on paper because they can afford to and it suits them for other reasons to do so.

In 1993 the financial landscape in the UK was a very very different beast and women/mothers in the workforce were also a very different story.

Or people could remember their vows and stick out the rough with the smooth - it's not all plain sailing

What, like 'forsaking all others, you mean? (looking at you here, exh).

I think women have more financial freedom so may be unwilling to turn a blind eye to their husbands cheating/micro cheating, than before. Instead of "lying in the bed they made", "thats what men do" mentality and "putting up with it for the kids", they realise the benefit of 2 happy households rather than one miserable one. I tried ignoring behaviour, supporting when i should have divorced, leaning into the marriage and 12months of therapy.......nothing was good enough for him, who in reality fought for the marriage by "moving out and talking about our issues". No therapy, no medication for mental illness. I wanted to be the main character in my relationship, not competing with porn, camera girls, ex's and women on social media.

Time and resources seem to be a large factor in whether couples are prepared to overcome unsatisfactory behaviour.

Finding oneself and starting again can be a privilege of the middle class and upwards.

But overall the forties age group tend to be where couples seem to diverge and become competetive, is one better than the other, they if not very loyal in nature, begin the one upmanship dance and stop working together as a team.

It takes a very mature couple to understand (if there is no abuse) that relationships ebb and flow in virtually every way.
I've known many people destroy, perfectly decent partnerships in a race to become the winner in these situations and known many regret their reactionary behaviour to be seen as top dog, quite often going from the frying pan into the fire.

It's a difficult time with many looking back over the child rearing years and thinking "is this it, is this what I deserve, there has to be more from life"

How you resolve that depends on your boredom thresholds and how you problem solve, do you have the imagination to fill your time now the children are brought up with pursuits and learning, other than falling in love again.

Those in older age brackets see the devastation and pain the forty years can bring, I don't think it's a particularly kind age it's very competitive.

Next episode the 50's 😂

I agree with MrsMagistrate · Today 14:13

Before they have babies (and for some women, get married) that is all some women focus on.

Then once they have either or both of the above they think "is that it?" especially during the hard graft at-the-coal-face years of young children. They resent what they perceive as the lack of glamour involved (which they thought they were promised) and that is when affairs can start, especially if they married a man / the father of their child is dismissive/avoidant and also having affairs themselves.

Its not a partnership, its not about a genuine and honest relationship with another adult, its a social media experiment in one upmanship with the people they know (do they have it better than me? am I being taken for granted? Yes I am!! I deserve better!) including who they are in a relationship with.

@Tapasita But what is it about the early 40's onwards (into early 50's it seems) that seems to attract a higher divorce rate? It does seem to almost naturally occur during this 10/15 year window. I wonder what that's all about? There must be common reasons why.

--
As an observer, people getting divorced after 10/15 years are looked at normally- as in well done, you made your exit. However, those divorcing after 18 years/ 20 years/ 22 years/ 25 years/ 30 years of marriage, are looked at with pity and are seen as desperately sad, and all life sucked out of them, as normally, you can see they stayed in those marriages 5/10/15 years too long. Usually it is clear, something (usually finances/fear) was making them put off initiating the divorce at the time when they were suffering by being married and divorce should have happened at 10/15 years.

It's why I never look down on those divorcing after 2 weeks/ 3 months/ 6 months/12 months/ 2 years/ 3 years of marriage like some people do, as I consider it brave and admirable- better to just go if you can clearly see it is a mistake.

RoachFish · Yesterday 13:04

I wish you the best.
I hope you are happy with your decision to divorce after 20 years. Many people do so.

Its just if you read to the end of this thread you will note many people who are very pleased with their decision to get divorced and are even suggesting on this thread it was the right thing to do.
I wonder in 10, 20 years time whether the same holds true.

I would kind of respect someone much more if they divorced and did not go into another relationships but thats not what happens is it and the next relationship does not work even if you give it 10 years down the line it does fail. Why would that be I wonder.

Of course second marriages work, not always but plenty do.
I also know several ‘affair’ marriages as it were and they have worked out swimmingly.
Saying it won’t work out with someone else is silly.
What is silly is falling for the same crap again. If you can’t meet someone decent the second time around then I would say keep it casual.

I’m divorced, grass is definitely greener… verdant in fact, there are even flowers! My ex was a lazy man child who didn’t give a shiny shit about me.

Edited to add I am 5 years post divorce, have a DD of 12 and a non-live in boyfriend. No plans to co-habit whilst DD still lives at home.

I don’t know that I will be happy in 10 or 20 years, but I do know that I would have been miserable if I had stayed. At least now I have a chance of meeting someone who makes me happy. It doesn’t really matter to me if my next relationship lasts 5 years or 30 years, I’d rather be happy for 5 years than not happy at all.

I wonder in 10, 20 years time whether the same holds true.
It's 10 years since my ex's affair. I have less financial security than I would have had if we'd stayed married. Our breaking up means I will not own a home. I'd rather be in the position I am in now, without my ex, than back in that life with him. My experiences since have enriched my life and done no-one any harm.

I don't regret leaving him and I also don't regret being with him and having children with him. Our circumstances and our characters changed over the 20 years we were together - unsurprisingly. I couldn't have known how things would develop later when I was 1, 5 or 15 years into our relationship.

I'm also not desperately sad and with all the life sucked out of me! Funny what ideas people come up with about experiences they haven't had :)

People change massively over the course of a marriage. Having children & getting older has changed my DP from the wonderful caring, funny person I married to a nasty, narcissistic bully that I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with. But I am now 50 years old and I think you pass a point where divorce is not worth it, but I don't know what age that is? Maybe 60+?