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Original poster

Is it me or is everyone splitting up?

147 replies

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 23/08/2023 17:23

Or at least that's how it seems.
In the last few weeks I've known 6 couples to split up, all long term relationships, all with kids and a mortgage etc.
Some of the couples were people I genuinely thought would be together forever although nobody knows the ins and outs of someone's relationship.

OP posts:
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 24/08/2023 12:20

In my group most are in long marriages of 15 years plus and from the outside I don't think any are heading for divorce. I'm 43.
However, I have only ever confided in one of them how unhappy I have been at times, and so from the outside looking in we are also very stable, unlikely to have issues...yet we're hanging by a thread at times.
Explosive row a month ago, another back in May. Usual stuff that life is hard, kids are stressful, burden of mental load, it would be calmer to be apart etc. DH is currently trying hard and he is adamant we won't split. So after me spending weeks trying to be cool we've fallen back into comfortable friendship. It's a sticking plaster which will last a few weeks then it'll all go to pot again. I have one close friend who just says when it's finally over you'll know and be able to follow through, stand your ground and divorce.
Obviously cost of living massively impacts this now....I can't afford the house. My kids deserve more than to live where I could afford to rent. I want a nice life for them. I want to be a neat, tidy, nuclear family that makes it through, but I want to enjoy it not survive it, and won't stay just for that.
I think the grass might be greener as a single mum in terms of a nice, calm, relaxed home. But by the same token I think DH and I would be fine without the stress of parenting. We're great friends. We get along just us. I just hate him as a dad to our kids. Knowing what's the right thing to do is a nightmare but I doubt he'd entertain the idea of counselling. I've asked him to have solo counselling for anger and OCD issues and he won't.

So is it age? Life stage? Peri? (I do feel I'm losing the plot at times) Grass is greener? Or just not taking the BS anymore? Combination of all for me I think!

AltheaVestr1t · 24/08/2023 12:22

Yep. I'm also early 40s and I barely know anyone who isn't getting a divorce!!

Cabbagey · 24/08/2023 12:26

I'm late 30s and it's only in the last couple of years that my friends have started getting married and having kids. There's definitely more people getting together than people splitting up.

RoachFish · 24/08/2023 12:26

I'm one of them. Left my H at 43 after 20+ years of marriage. It's such a liberating feeling to stand on your own two feet after so long so I can see why it would be catching on. Lovely to date again and get butterflies too.

Ladyj84 · 24/08/2023 12:41

I don't know anyone splitting up and we know a lot that age range lol

Tapasita · 24/08/2023 12:45

You're into the transfer window.

But what is it about the early 40's onwards (into early 50's it seems) that seems to attract a higher divorce rate? It does seem to almost naturally occur during this 10/15 year window. I wonder what that's all about? There must be common reasons why.

FoodFann · 24/08/2023 12:50

I’m 32 and no separations amongst my friends or family for a long time. Everyone is v settled at the moment 🙏🏻

millymog11 · 24/08/2023 12:52

I don't know whether everyone is splitting up.

I do agree that 40s/early 40s etc is a common time which can be sad as it is not necessarily to do with the marriage being wrong but the person getting out having decided the grass is greener - time will tell.

What I do know is having been left by my husband with two small kids (age 4 and 5) whilst it was incredibly hard at the time and is still a struggle, every day I thank the Lord for my current situation and stability - that I am not having to post threads about "is my husband cheating?" (yes he most likely is by the way!) "my husband has cheated on me" "my husband is a sex addict" or general abuse, physcial emotional sexual whatever.

It might be hard, it might be lonely but I am in control of my situation, I know where I stand, absolute bliss.

I also smile to myself when I see people bin off their marriages (and sometimes kids) and then fail horribly at some point in the following decade or so in the relationships they go onto have.

Its a kind of satisfying karma for onlookers to see people take non abusive good enough marriages and trash them and then pay the price later down the line.

Non abusive relationships, especially marriages with children are not dispensable.

howmanytimes34 · 24/08/2023 13:03

Literally no one I know is splitting up - except me! I'm mid 40s.

Not that I want others to be unhappy in their relationships, but I do feel like I stand out like a sore thumb.

Not moral disapproval as such, more shock that I am actually going through with it. Also a lot of awkwardness and a 'picking a side' mentality

RoachFish · 24/08/2023 13:04

@millymog11 Why do you enjoy misfortunes for those who have left marriages? What would be the point in staying if you aren't happy, even if you are not abused or the marriage is good enough from an outsiders perspective?

I left my husband after 20+ years even though he hadn't abused me and from the outside I am sure we looked perfectly fine. I would hate to think that my friends would smile to themselves if my life goes horribly wrong just because I chose to not remain married. Life is too short to just get by and settle, I want to have actual fun. Preferably every day.

PeggyPiglet · 24/08/2023 13:10

@RoachFish am I misunderstanding or are you basically saying you can't have fun every day while married?
What do you mean by 'have fun everyday'? Just interested.

howmanytimes34 · 24/08/2023 13:13

@RoachFish I thought that was a harsh comment too, but it also sounds like that poster has gone through a hard time and has some healing to do.

It's good you are happier out of your marriage, I hope to be too, just a long hard slog to get there...

RoachFish · 24/08/2023 13:16

@PeggyPiglet Sorry, no, you can absolutely have fun every day when married:) What I meant was, why would you want someone to stay in a marriage they don't want to be in and spend life slightly unhappier just because they aren't abused or the marriage isn't horrible.

I think it's a shame to judge people who leave marriages and then feel happy when something bad happens to them.

gogomoto · 24/08/2023 13:16

@80's Grin

I was 45 when I split, seems really common in mid 40's- early 50's.

cocksstrideintheevening · 24/08/2023 13:18

Weddings and christenings done, divorces starting, waiting for the second marriages.

I'm 45. In a group of ten couples 3 have split, two I know of are likely to and who knows what goes on behind closed doors in the others.

gogomoto · 24/08/2023 13:22

I've also got friends who have confessed that they think I'm lucky to be divorced, they either can't afford it or basically are staying for the lifestyle - going through the motions of being a couple but they openly admit there's no intimacy, and one knows of affairs (she just loves her house, her lifestyle etc)

PeggyPiglet · 24/08/2023 13:24

RoachFish · 24/08/2023 13:16

@PeggyPiglet Sorry, no, you can absolutely have fun every day when married:) What I meant was, why would you want someone to stay in a marriage they don't want to be in and spend life slightly unhappier just because they aren't abused or the marriage isn't horrible.

I think it's a shame to judge people who leave marriages and then feel happy when something bad happens to them.

It's a bit more complicated when kids are involved though. If you're a bit unhappy, but you have kids and shared finances, I'm not sure some people realise, until they divorce, how hard it can be to suddenly become a single mum. I think the poster you were replying to earlier was sort of making that point.

Instead of being a bit unhappy in a stale but stable marriage, you're a single mum juggling probably more fragile finances. It's a different kind of unhappy. Obviously it's worth it in the long run for many, but I think she was making the point that some people end up on their arses thinking the grass was greener.

BounceyB · 24/08/2023 13:25

Tapasita · 24/08/2023 12:45

You're into the transfer window.

But what is it about the early 40's onwards (into early 50's it seems) that seems to attract a higher divorce rate? It does seem to almost naturally occur during this 10/15 year window. I wonder what that's all about? There must be common reasons why.

Once your in 40s children are growing up and career is back on track. Apparently 80% of divorces are initiated by University educated women. I can believe it. If you can afford to be happy why wouldn't you be?

HamishTheCamel · 24/08/2023 13:26

I'm late 40s and I hardly know anyone who's divorced. My brother and one or two friends. Not sure if my friends are lucky or if it's still to come?!

Beurla · 24/08/2023 13:29

People are getting stronger and smarter. No one wants to take anybody's bulshit any more.

I actually disagree with this.

I think our obsession with social media and our phones being like an extension of our arms, getting technology to do everything for us that humans used to be skilled in, giving up freedoms like cash, and general me me me individualistic culture, is actually making us weaker.

I think we peaked in the 1990s - early 2000s. 😅😅

Shahira78 · 24/08/2023 13:29

iamenough2023 · 23/08/2023 19:12

People are getting stronger and smarter. No one wants to take anybody's bulshit any more.

100% THIS.

I know a few couples who have split up over the past 6 months. All have been women to leave. Women do seem to be getting stronger and no longer putting up with what their mums did.

Moonlightdust · 24/08/2023 13:34

I’m surprised

Moonlightdust · 24/08/2023 13:34

That was in response to Hamish

Shahira78 · 24/08/2023 13:39

FoodFann · 24/08/2023 12:50

I’m 32 and no separations amongst my friends or family for a long time. Everyone is v settled at the moment 🙏🏻

You're v still young. Usually happens later on when kids are older so 40s. Not saying it will happen to you!