Is it me or is everyone splitting up?

[CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease]

Or at least that's how it seems.
In the last few weeks I've known 6 couples to split up, all long term relationships, all with kids and a mortgage etc.
Some of the couples were people I genuinely thought would be together forever although nobody knows the ins and outs of someone's relationship.

You're middle aged, parents are dying, maybe some of your friends have sadly died too young. You're thinking about mortality and the fact that you're halfway through your life. You're thinking 'am I happy where I am?' 'am I meant to be with this person for the next 40 years?'.

If you believe in horoscopes and movement of planets, there is some sort of mercury retrograde on at the moment which is causing people to re evaluate life choices and why there is a surge of relationship breakups, all over tik too 😂

We're in our sixties and I'm not aware of any of our friends who are breaking up at the moment. Most of our friends married in their early 20s and have been together ever since.

In my (cynical) experience, any men getting married in their 20's, tend to get to about 35/40, and it hits them like a brick, that they haven't had sex with enough women.

This happened to me and all of my friends. All married young. Every single husband wanted to sow their wild oats as they got a bit older. Devastating.

We are now in our 50's and most of us have gone on to get married for a second time (after having some time being single and shagging around), and this pattern has not repeated itself.

Me and DH know a lot of couples from his work, that are younger than us, and on their first marriages, and just recently so many of the men have had affairs and the couples are splitting up. 4 couples this year, in fact.

I almost wish it was mandatory, to shag 10 people before you're allowed to get married.

howmanytimes34 · Today 13:13 it might sound harsh but in my experience peoples decisions to leave a marriage "because they are not happy" is definitely judged by people around them family, friends acquintances.
I don't feel sorry that they are being judged, if you leave for a reason other than abuse then you are a fairly thick skinned person who in a lot of cases is going to be quite resilient and prioritising your own happiness, you will not care either way whether people are judging you or not (and often whether people have got hurt in the process) so what diffference does it make and who cares what people think of you? Do what makes you happy is a very very common mentality.

I don't think "everyone" is but well, I am! 39 here. No kids and not married but going through a messy as hell breakup which is more or less a divorce in all but paperwork.

I think that overall people are much more aware these days of emotional abuse and whilst previous generations may have though it was "normal" these days social media is full of people talking about narc abuse and other types of abusive behaviour and women are a lot more independent.

There are also forums like this to come on and gauge viewpoints which was never the case in the past - so if you're going through something you can easily ask and people will give their experiences and opinions. That is certainly what happened for me.

I'm not saying I broke up with my partner because people on the internet told me to, but I related to what they were saying and realised that how I felt wasn't normal and that I wasn't going completely mad after all - sometimes peoples behaviour does make you think you're at fault, and I think that women are conditioned by society to take on a lot and always think they're "asking too much" and "don't rock the boat".

A lot of us these days have good jobs, careers and independence and we just don't see the need to put up with shit off men that we don't have to put up with - if they aren't adding to your life what the eff is the point in having them around?
I think it's a very sad state of affairs overall to be honest. Seems harder than ever to have a good relationship with someone.

@millymog11

you seem pretty bitter about the end of your marriage , perhaps understandably so.

But there are a lot of generalisations and assumptions in your post which I do not think are correct

i wish you well in future

It's your age. I'm 44 and in the last few years lot of people I know have split in the last few years. Lots of people assessing relationships as kids get older and Covid and cost of living has probably had an impact too

I'm 36, pregnant and with one DS3. My DP has just turned 40. I don't think we're that unusual in having kids later these days. I'd be really interested to see if the 'transfer window' shifts with the shifting demographics, IYSWIM. Perhaps our transfer windows, and those of our peers who have kids at roughly the same time, will shift upwards too.

In my friendship group of 6, 3 couples split in their forties. In their cases it was because they were hardworking career women married to unreconstructed men who had been raised to think it was a woman’s job to do all the domestic drudge work and childrearing. Women don’t need to put up with that shit anymore.

I will take one group of friends, 6 married couples (all in our 40s and with children), as an example:

• two already divorced (including me when I was 39).
• two in dead marriages (no sex, lack of compatibility, cheating in secret).
• two in seemingly rock solid marriages.

The two who separated (incl. me): the woman left. The two in dead marriages: men who have confided they don't leave their wives because the wives make less and they struggle financially; however both men are actively cheating/looking to cheat. I fully expect their situations to unravel in the forthcoming years, but then again who knows... they may prefer to stay unhappy for the rest of their lives, just for the lifestyle, however fake it is in reality. I am glad I am out of my own difficult situation and thankfully doing v well.

I am not bitter.

I (along with others) believe in the saying "pride comes before a fall".

I agree with this 100%, particularly re the emotional abuse, which wasnt "a thing" for our parents. I recently left, after having a year of therapy to realise my "perfect" husband may not be perfect at all. My gut feeling disappeared completely as i took on everything he said as true. I dont think ge meant to twist my mind, it wasnt intentional but it did happen. I dont want a divorce, the grass isnt greener as most men are a threat in one way or another.

Not everyone but definitely a lot more than I be ever thought, and the ones I thought were the most stable and happy.

This is really interesting. Why would it be a good thing for a high value man (good looks, career, lifestyle etc) to date a woman who has a good career and independence? What's she bringing to the table that he doesn't already have?

The question is intended to provoke a thought, but on the flip side, a lot of men are making similar complaints about women's expectations being unrealistic and entitlement.

At the end of the day, no opposite sex relationships are going to happen or last if men don't like women, and women don't like men. And that might be the answer to the OPs question!

I've noticed this too, but known two married women who once they hit 40 decided they were gay and wanted to divorce to be with a woman!

To be honest I agree with you completely - if a guy has all the independence then he's looking or a supporting partner right? Not necessarily someone to carry him.

My point was discussing about why women wouldn't want to stay with men, not why men would want independent women.

In my case the guy was abusive, he had a career, nice car, we own a house but his behaviour was far from high value in terms of how he conducted himself and how much respect he showed and frankly I don't GAF how much a guy earns or how hot he is, I'm not going to put up with that shit anymore now that I know better.

The same is of course true the other way around!

I don't dislike men (I know you weren't saying that I did) but I do want a man who is respectful and kind and knows how to treat a woman. I think a heck of a lot of women are super entitled, I see it all the time where women are upset because a guy wants to meet on a first date for coffee and she's completely flabbergasted that he's not taking her to dinner and I find that incredibly rude and entitled to expect a guy to take you for dinner when you haven't even met and he doesn't even know if he likes you.

It all works both ways not just one, but there seems to be a lot of bs online about the patriarchy and the feminist movement. According to the feminists I'm a fucking hero, according to the patriarchy I'm a has been who is bargain basement value and should be replaced with a 20 year old.

Both sides need to grow the fuck up in my opinion.

In my relentlessly miserable marriage there was no smooth just endless, crushing rough.

I'm 40 and so are all my friends, don't know anyone who is splitting up (yet!).

We are 20 years older (early 60s). Virtually none of my friends around our age have split up (though a couple of the husbands were married before my friend met them) and neither have the (generally a bit younger) parents of my children's friends (though again some were previously divorced or single for as long as I've known them).

Mostly we met late 20s and married in our early 30s so had 'played the field' before settling down which probably makes a difference. Also getting divorced wasn't quite so accepted when we were younger maybe.

The pandemic did make me rethink my marriage though. I never really questioned it until mid my 50s when we had a landmark anniversary and I wondered what exactly we were celebrating. But seeing my DH fuss over the pandemic made me very irritated with him and wanting to avoid him as much as possible. Luckily I was able to work in my usual place of work throughout, apart from the first couple of months.

Our 30s (mine anyway) were blighted by infertility so when we had kids in our 40s, I was just happy to be getting on with being a parent. DH is a great hands-on parent and with the needs our kids had there was no way I wanted to be a single parent. But we did neglect our relationship a lot. They are young adults now but still living with us. Youngest has mental health issues so their needs still take priority over ours to an extent, though things are improving.

We have made more conscious effort to do things together for ourselves recently and my feelings fluctuate - sometimes it feels fine, sometimes I feel bored and irritated again. We are planning a major piece of work on our house and I sometimes find myself thinking, why bother when we could sell up and buy our own separate places.

But I don't really want to be alone, can't imagine dating at my age etc. DH and I enjoy a lot of the same things, talk non stop when we go out alone together and he is a good person. I suppose we should go to relationship counselling as I do feel there is something to salvage. But if I was 30s / 40s now and childless, I'd probably just leave.

I would ignore responses like this by smug clearly "better than everyone else" people who really have no idea what miserable situations can be like.

There's having a rough time, and there's having a rough time. We don't live in a world where you have to tolerate shit with no end in sight anymore. It obviously depends on the situation but it is a shame people who make their partners lives utterly miserable don't remember THEIR fucking vows... to love and honour I think they are?

The grass may not always be greener, but it's certainly a lot fucking greener than being trampled into the pavement constantly.

Tbh i think your relationship sounds like it has the core foundations to survive. I bet with MC it would be incredible and one which i would be envious of

I am in my 40’s and I don’t know many people my age that have stayed together, most of my friends are single/divorced/separated.

I think it’s no longer frowned upon to break up when you have kids, people no longer put up with being miserable in a marriage, people no longer except the abuse and they don’t feel like they have to stay. A lot of women now work full time and are capable of supporting themselves without a man.

I don’t think 36 counts as ‘older’ these days, to be fair. DP and I are 33 and virtually none of our peers are even thinking about babies yet.

I do wonder the same thing as you’re wondering though - whether having met each other later in life (by which I mean after 30) will mean that our relationship will survive through our 40s at least?!

Perhaps we'll all be breaking up in our 60s instead? Which could make 60 the new 40...