Is it me or is everyone splitting up?

[CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease]

Or at least that's how it seems.
In the last few weeks I've known 6 couples to split up, all long term relationships, all with kids and a mortgage etc.
Some of the couples were people I genuinely thought would be together forever although nobody knows the ins and outs of someone's relationship.

I don't know anyone that's splitting up - I'm 41 but the youngest of my friendship group who are 43-50.

My friend is a relationship counsellor and says all of her clients are 45-55. So I reckon this is the marriage danger zone.

We all got married later though, mid-30's onwards.

I can absolutely see why, if I'd married anyone I'd been in a relationship with prior to (at the very earliest) 28 would be a divorce waiting to happen.

In my experience, when couples suddenly decide to have a big/destination wedding after they've been together for years with kids, it usually means they break up within 18 months
Similarly, vow renewals usually mean there's been an affair 🤷

😂😂

I think that the forced togetherness of COVID brought some people closer together but for others made differences glaringly present. My friend said that she could or would probably easily have limped along with her partner for another 10 years were it not for COVID. After 6 months of then both working from home , she awoke one day and realized that they no longer had anything other than bills and children in common. They talked it over and realized that they had both stopped expecting to be happy and had settled for polite indifference. They were linked by children and history but neither looked for or expected personal happiness or pleasure from their marriage.

They are now divorced and co parenting well. They live 3 apart, and the kids were able to remain in the same schools and with the same. friendship groups. Interestingly enough, they now spend time together as friends in ways that they had long stopped doing during the marriage.

Neither would ever consider getting together again, but enjoy being friends. Both have new partners, but both say that they will never marry anyone again.

Surprised you know 6 couples who have split up in the last few weeks! I don’t any that have split up in the last 3 years. You must know a lot of couples.

I don't know many couples splitting up and am in the 40s category. That being said, I appreciate that you never know what's going on behind the scenes.

It’s this.

💯 agree with this

I agree with the age thing, all of the couples I know are early to mid forties like pp said some of them had big extravagant weddings too.

I don’t expect most couples to stay together anymore. The marriages I imagine will work are ones where couples are older and don’t have dcs together.

My intelligence could be wrong but a couple I know of, the marriage is pretty much on the rocks, two kids too, 15+ years sunk in the marriage too.

Same here!! 38 this year and wondering if this shit is meant to be for the rest of my life.

Or, more self-centred (which is the trajectory of the world in general...)

I love that.

And that ..

No, I don't know anyone in real life separating right now.

The transfer window is genius 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I agree that the danger zone seems to be 40-50s. I also wonder if there’s a degree of contagion: people quietly feeling dissatisfied feel a bit more empowered or motivated if they see others breaking out and doing well (whatever ‘doing well’ may look like.). When I separated, I had a few people (women) approach me quietly to get some advice, and all went on to separate. I was very neutral but practical in my comments, and o only answered questions, never asked, as you never know if people will get their relationships back on track and try to forget they ever voiced their questions out loud.

Yep at around mid forties loads of couples I knew split up probably a quarter. Now we are hitting mid fifties and two more I know are splitting up. Each time it’s been when kids are hitting the age they leave home. Of the two currently one was the man having an affair, he was actually my friend, he is now dumped as a friend. The other is my woman friend who is just bored of her DH, he hasn’t done anything wrong as such except be dull. He was always dull she just panicked very late and thirties and married someone she never should have. She managed to have 2 children at 40 and 42.

"Because one person thinks the grass is greener" is an important phrase there: it only takes one person forgetting their vows to end a marriage. The other 50% of the couple doesn't have a choice in the matter. They can remember their vows and stick it out as much as they like and it makes no difference.

I'm now in my mid-50s and at this age, there is definitely an element of "If I don't get out now then I'll be stuck with this person in retirement and old age. If I leave now I have time to find someone else". In people's 40s, mind, it sometimes felt more like they were seeking out a younger partner before their looks went.

We do all have to look out for ourselves, but it would be cynical to assume that people are motivated entirely by their own self-interest. "Transfer window" is the cynical outlook :) Other factors do come into it: people waiting until the children are older, people simply growing apart by that age as they have been together so long.

After my exh and I separated, my next-door neighbour and one of my closest friends also broke up - it did feel like he'd planted a seed in their minds! And I've had the same experience of people coming to me to talk about how they are thinking of breaking up, to hear about the pros and cons.

Smug. You don't have all the answers. I gave it my best shot for 22 years. The last 8 or so were extremely tough going and I reached the point where I just could not carry on any more. I called it a day. It was intolerable.

It was intolerable.
When people have come to me to talk about why they were splitting up, the question in my head has not been "why are you doing this?"; it's been "why on earth did you stay so long?" Some really nasty stories.

It's a bit sad really isn't it?

The amount of children I teach in my class who have separated parents. Granted, their parents are probably a bit younger but still.

I don't personally know anyone who has split but my husband has a few friends who are divorced. Often very messy divorces as well with children involved.

I reckon alot of people split due to boredom or the challenges kids often throw at us with money or balance of housework and parenting.

For the former, people think they've met the man of their dreams in their, say, mid 20s, have all the lovely dovey feelings and the big lavish wedding, lots of sex, but then 15 years down the line with kids, they're 40 and settled down, and they get bored. What's next?

😂