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Original poster

Are my needs over the top?

123 replies

JasonK · 23/08/2023 10:55

Hi everyone,

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down.
She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now).
But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation.
Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved
PS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 10:55

PPS: We are both 36.

OP posts:
Mozzie1 · 23/08/2023 13:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 14:34

Anyone?

We are not gonna see each other until friday, I have some work to do and I can't get anything done. I feel like crap.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 15:51

Your responsibility isn't to have the 'correct' level of need.

Your responsibility (if you want a relationship) is to find someone who meets your needs.

You're not getting the intimacy you need. You're not getting the verbal communication you need. What are you getting, that you need?

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 16:08

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 15:51

Your responsibility isn't to have the 'correct' level of need.

Your responsibility (if you want a relationship) is to find someone who meets your needs.

You're not getting the intimacy you need. You're not getting the verbal communication you need. What are you getting, that you need?

But I had that, and I want to go back to having that.

What I currently have is a frustration that is growing and I want to fix it before it erupts and I can't do anything about it anymore because it is too late.

I reckon the ball is not in my yard, but how can I do things to make everything better?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 16:12

It's not your responsibility to make everything better. Tell her how you feel, tell her what you need. Ask her how she feels, and what she needs.

You're supposed to be in a relationship, so try to relate to her. Why do you think we'd have an answer about how to improve how she feels?

Cinai · 23/08/2023 16:14

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?

catsnhats11 · 23/08/2023 16:25

You're assuming the issues are result of how she feels about the weight gain and work stresses, when in fact they could be a symptom of the underlying problem (whatever that may be) rather than the problem itself.

Maybe this is the real her, and over time she has slipped back to default?

Maybe you aren't suited since you are a talker and she is not? These are quite fundamental personality traits.

Just some thought. Oh and talk to her, tell her what you have written above and see if there is a way forwards.

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 16:29

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 16:12

It's not your responsibility to make everything better. Tell her how you feel, tell her what you need. Ask her how she feels, and what she needs.

You're supposed to be in a relationship, so try to relate to her. Why do you think we'd have an answer about how to improve how she feels?

You are right, I agree. However, she is not very much talkative about her needs. She asked me about them, I've told what I think they are and she went on. (And all of those she is getting from me).

About the first part, I've told her my needs. And she told me because of her problems, this is another pressure on her.

I asked her why she called "pressure" my needs when I (think) am very flexible and easygoing. I didn't ask the moon. I found it odd and worrying.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 16:36

If your needs are a pressure to her, and she won't tell you her needs, then you don't have a relationship. I'm sorry.

What do you think a relationship is based on, other than understanding each other's needs?

Do you know about anxious/avoidant attachment styles? You sound like the classic pair of one of each, where the further away she pulls, the more desperate you are to 'fix' your actions to 'win' her back. Does that sound about right?

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 16:52

Sadly, lately yes, it sounds about right.
But I don't want to win her back because I didn't do anything to push her away when it happened.

About her needs: I think it got lost in translation there. She told me and confirmed them and her needs are respected by me.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 18:14

how can I do things to make everything better?

However you want to phrase it, you're trying to win her back.

What does she want? How does she want things to progress?

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 18:29

Well, her needs are of common sense and were from day one: understanding, support, love, space when needed etc. Things she had with me.

What does she want now and does not have from my part? I don't know. She didn't say anything.
How she wants things to progress? I don't know that also.

She's not saying I want a break, I want to break up, I want this and that. So I am just guessing.

Last night we were in bed and I was touching her, caressing her and tried to kiss her and it was forced. Asked her what is wrong and she said she is not in the mood. (was nothing sexual from my part, just kissing her and being intimate). I got annoyed, but did not say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 18:33

catsnhats11 · 23/08/2023 16:25

You're assuming the issues are result of how she feels about the weight gain and work stresses, when in fact they could be a symptom of the underlying problem (whatever that may be) rather than the problem itself.

Maybe this is the real her, and over time she has slipped back to default?

Maybe you aren't suited since you are a talker and she is not? These are quite fundamental personality traits.

Just some thought. Oh and talk to her, tell her what you have written above and see if there is a way forwards.

I did, I did tell her. She said about the weight and workstress, I did not assume anything.

And she responded, I feel pressure on myself that I don't fulfill your needs. And of course I fail to understand that when my needs are to stay more than 20 seconds in the bed kissing.

And don't get me wrong, she was like this since day one. But in the last 6 months it got really bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 18:35

I think also there is something important to mention: she doesn't have friends. Really no one. There are a few acquaintances, but that is about it.
I remember on Christmas Eve, we were in the bed and she burst out crying because those acquaintances did not have time (desire) to meet her and me.
Later on we usually meet them in her hometown, but after we are leaving, they don't keep track/talk.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 23/08/2023 18:36

OP " I got annoyed, but did not say anything."

if she's not in the mood for affection, don't pester her. Can you give her some space?

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 18:55

What does she want now and does not have from my part? I don't know

What does she say when you ask her?

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 19:02

@EmmaEmerald she never lacked space. I got annoyed because I was rejected for the 12312 that day and I wasn't doing anything offensive or sexual with her. Just staying in bed after our holiday ended.
Imagine being pushed away by your SO. It makes you feel like crap because we are human beings, we need that.

@Watchkeys
I think I had this discussion with her 4 days ago. I will try to replicate the chat:
Her: do you know my needs?
Me: Of course. (went on and mentioned all of the above).
Her: yes
Me: Are there any that I don't know about?
Her: no, I don't know any others.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 23/08/2023 19:07

This relationship sounds very hard work and the two of you don't sound very compatible. A lot of relationships are okay to start with, but very few turn into something serious and long term, because as two people get to know each other they find out whether they meet each other's needs, whether they communicate in a way that is acceptable to both, whether they work as a couple. It sounds like you don't, on all counts. I'd call it a day, if I were you. When a relationship is meant to be, it really isn't this difficult.

EmmaEmerald · 23/08/2023 19:10

OP "I got annoyed because I was rejected for the 12312 that day"

um...surely you leave her salone after rejection 1 and ask her tontell you, or approach you, if she's ready for affection?

I say this as someone who loves affection.

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 19:20

@cheezncrackers

I will admit it, I am afraid of letting go. Of starting over again at 36, of looking again for someone.
I don't like to settle, by all means, but I feel like I am in a quicksand, going down, and I don't know how I ended up here.
I feel like I owe it to myself to try. At least try.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 23/08/2023 19:29

JasonK · 23/08/2023 19:20

@cheezncrackers

I will admit it, I am afraid of letting go. Of starting over again at 36, of looking again for someone.
I don't like to settle, by all means, but I feel like I am in a quicksand, going down, and I don't know how I ended up here.
I feel like I owe it to myself to try. At least try.

None of the above are good reasons to pretzel yourself to someone else's needs

cheezncrackers · 23/08/2023 19:37

I feel like I owe it to myself to try. At least try.

You really don't. And actually that comment makes me think that what you really need to do, rather than staying in this relationship that's making you feel miserable and inadequate, is work on your self-esteem. But first, walk away from this unhappy relationship. You two are not meant to be.

Original poster
JasonK · 23/08/2023 19:49

@cheezncrackers
I understand what you are saying, but I think my self-esteem is ok, or how I sense it every day.

What I am trying to say is if she wants to stop it, I am ok with that. But I need to know what is happening lately with us and if it's me and what I need to work on, or is it her and her issues.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 20:12

So, you're meeting all her needs, but your needs are pressured to her.

Why do you feel it's you who needs to change? Your needs aren't being met. There is no correct level of need; you're just not compatible.

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