Are my needs over the top?

[JasonK]

Hi everyone,

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down.
She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now).
But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation.
Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved
PS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do.

@Megifer

No, or maybe is my fault because I wasn't clear. The whole thing felt like a glass filling, slowly, each day, and the "13125 time that day" was that I've felt instead of enjoying where we were, she was going places like stressing: Did we made a mistake in choosing so many destinations?.

No, I've never did "some men think they can convince their partner by carrying on trying it on for a bit longer" thing and will never do that. It is wrong by my part, feels forced and totally unfair

@mewkins

But that is the whole thing.
I've Always been secure.
Is not point in lying this. Why would I spin this? For what purpose?
I was "on guard" at the beginning when we went on a three-week holiday together after we were dating for 2 weeks. I was thinking it might end after that, but instead it became really strong.
But clingy, needy and desperate, never. Until now, Until the last two days.
But now I feel that, because of the situation. And I fear it will only do damage because I am absolutely confused.

If you put yourself in a place where you don't have access to food, you will become 'needy' and 'desperate' for food. It's not because you're a needy or desperate personality.

This is the same. The only flaw in you is that you think you're flawed. You're not. You're having a perfectly ordinary response to not getting what you need. Put yourself in a position where you get what you need, and you won't be needy any more.

Many people will feel secure and confident when a relationship is going well. Again, it can change and when under stress you can become needy. It's pretty common. It feels like you're saying that because you come from a stable and secure family then you are sorted and know how to 'do' relationships. This isn't how the world works though. When tested, people can behave in many different ways. If you were my friend I'd advise you to move out for a bit, minimal contact, see how it pans out. For both of your sakes.

@mewkins

I think my background helped me to learn to be supportive. My parents were a team and I wanted that for myself. I think they were an aspiration.
The rest I've learned from being in relationships.
The last one lasted 7 years.
And I know you will ask me how it ended. I've lost my dad, he had a long battle and I wasn't there for my partner and, to be fair, she wasn't for me and we called quits.

Agree, I have no problem on moving out (if is the case).
But do you agree that I need to know why?

Ah ok sorry op maybe I did misinterpret some of your comments.

I still think this relationship is going nowhere. After just 2 years its like this? Its not going to improve. She clearly needs space and time and possibly someone a bit less intense while she has her own mental health struggles and you need something she very clearly can't give you.

@Megifer

I am not without fault, by any means, no one is, but again, the intensity comes from the current situation.It was not here.
Three and a half weeks ago we were visiting new apartments, on a list she made. So I think it's normal to be intense because of the confusion.

The reason I am here is to hear people that will not use gloves when they talk to me, that have previous relationships with similar situations/people and will give me a small input. Which I am getting.

But at the moment I am building up "knowledge" before the confrontation. Because I am between fences now:

1. One part is telling me she is acting like this because she wants to break up with me and I am not sure why.
2. The second that she is close to burnout because of the stress from work and she is keeping me out, instead of talking to me.

So loving her and wanting to be with her, of course it makes me very uncomfortable with what is happening.

In all honesty it does not sound like the relationship is working. You talk about caressing her in bed but not in a sexual way, to me, it would always feel like a preliminary to more and I feel tense for her when she's obviously not into it at the moment. I think she's really just not into it and the pushing the point about not having sex on a boat before would just make me cringe if I wasn't in the same head space. She is not matched with your energy on this at all and the more you suffocate her the worse it will be. Though you say you give her space, I feel suffocated reading your messages.
Also looking back at everything you've said - you say the issues began in March and at the same time in March you began looking for a bigger place and that she is picking fault with everything place you find. To me this has a big flashing sign over it that she doesn't want to sign up for a new flat that will have a fixed amount of time to commit to because she is not sure she wants to commit that time to the relationship. Could be wrong but I think she began feeling more trapped at that point.
The more you push the further she will retreat and to me there's no point flogging a dead horse, neither of you are getting what you want. What is the point in finding out what went wrong, you both have different needs that seem at odds.

I know it's tough but out there somewhere is a woman who will want affection on your level and will meet your needs without the need for big emotional discussions all the time. This lady is no longer it, even if she was once. I wish you all the best.

She may not be able to tell you why. Maybe she just feels a bit off and doesn't know why. You've every right to say 'ok then that doesn't work for me' but I don't think pushing someone who is work stressed and also seeing a counsellor to explain herself is going to get you anywhere and if I were her I really would run a mile.

@delphi13
Yep, the apartment thing went to my mind also. But I was thinking her work was the reason, but yes, I noticed that.

@mewkins
Then how do I approach this?

In a few hours I am going back home so any last advices will be much obliged.

I think I will try and gently ask her about what is wrong. Because I can't act normal, like nothing happens.
But if she is defensive and does not want to talk, I am between telling her I am going and she can call me when she knows what she wants or stay, but most likely, will be super awkward.

I don't know how to approach this exactly.

"But at the moment I am building up "knowledge" before the confrontation."

I'm starting to be a bit concerned for this lady and this "confrontation" What knowledge? Opinions from people who aren't her? Knowledge of how to grind her down into actually having to say "you're too needy" so you can argue back you've only been this way for 3 weeks because of her?

Maybe you need to put your big boy pants on and just deal with the fact that shes very clearly not into you anymore, and you might not get an explanation . I wouldn't be surprised if she does want to end it but she's worried you won't accept it without a reason that is good enough for you.

"I don't know how to approach this exactly."

Something like "listen we both know this relationship isn't working for either of us, we both want things we can't give each other. I'm not happy, you're not happy. Shall we call it a day? No drama and i promise I won't make it difficult or awkward" and see what her reaction is.

That sets out quite clearly that there's no pressure or awkwardness from your side at all so gives her the chance to either just agree (in which case you know she wants to absolutely end it) or if she's surprised, tearful etc. then there might be something still there to work with but you must give her space and time.

@Megifer

No, knowledge on how to approach her without shutting her down and understand what is going on. Knowledge and experience from people that had relationships with other people that have been similar to her pattern. Yeah, knowledge from people that aren't me and see it differently.

I think you have a very specific way of understanding words. If someone is preoccupied that things are wrong, you consider them needy, if you say to your SO that you miss sex and cuddling, then you are needy, if someone is trying to learn how to act with someone that is going into something bad, it's intense.

So, curious? How should I act? I have needs? I should go and fulfill them with other women? Or ignore them, not talk about them with my gf?

I think the first thing was to ask for help, which i did, in which I've learned some important aspects of what to do.

I think it's hugely unfair to say "needy" and "intense" to someone who is preoccupied of how the relationship he is in it's, at the moment, in an awkward place.

You're refusing to accept that the issues might be caused by you. I don't think you actually want advice or to consider things from her perspective or an outsiders opinion. I think you wanted your feelings validating so you feel more confident "confronting" this poor woman.

If you want advice on how to approach it then mine is to give her the option of taking an unpressured, amicable way out of the relationship without having to give you a reason that you feel is acceptable. However i suspect you won't.

I hope it all works out for both of you.

I don't think anyone should be engaging with this man now. There's a clear agenda in the tone and trying to build a case to 'confront' this woman with his 'evidence'.

Agreed, thanks for the sense check i definitely get the feeling there's an agenda here.

@Megifer
Thank you. I agree with that, because her feelings are important to me and I want the best for her. And if she is unhappy and she tells me that, of course I am gone.
I've never stayed and will not start now.

@fettuccini
I am sorry, what? That is absolute nonsense.
You call someone "very creepy" without even reading the full thing and without trying to understand both sides, then you "dream" of building a case. Sorry, but this is not Depp vs Heard.
Is just a man trying to get advices or opinions from people that will be blunt and are not throwing words out there without even reading or making a small effort to understand the whole background.

You wanted blunt? You got it. I have read every single world you have written i.e. the full thing. You are coming across as a creep, you have started this thread to build 'evidence' (these are your own world OP. Do not try to make out it's been invented by anyone but yourself) for nefarious reasons to denigrate a young woman with mental health issues and it has been reported the MN.

To denigrate? to build a case? What? Are you for real?!
Yeah, it would be nice for you not to reply here anymore. Hope there are mods that are seeing this and hopefully will react.

I hope the mods do react yes.

I think you need to accept that you don't know stuff that you need to know because she has chosen, so far, not to tell you.

You need to stop needing it, or she needs to tell you. As it is, you're 'between 2 fences' and you need to embrace that or leave, rather than trying to make her do something different.

You're the one with the problem, here. She's not 'causing' it. She's just being herself, and you don't like it.

Ok, she just texted me: Babe, you want to go tonight in my hometown to meet those acquaintances and spend the weekend there at my parents home?

I am officially baffled.

Hi everyone,

So there is an update here. We've left on Friday and I was my normal self, acted as usual and tried to find the perfect opportunity to discuss things with her. On saturday, after lunch, we were watching a movie and we started slowly discussing things, actually she did.
She opened up and said that she is basically close to burnout because of her job and because she is not well with herself. The pressure she is putting on herself is making her unhappy. She pointed out multiple times that this has nothing to do with me, does not want a break, does not want to break up, but what is she really afraid now, and focus on the word afraid, is to move in a bigger flat, because she said: "we might not have our independence anymore and with my current state of mind, with my unhappiness, I will ruin this and I don't want that"
So, of course, I asked her then why she acted like this and she told me she has no idea, she didn't do it on purpose, but felt sorry she didn't communicate.
So, after all of this, our weekend was full of sex and cuddles, like before march.

So, I will still need time to digest this, but I really understood what she was saying and I think she is completely right, moving to a different place now, being together EVERY TIME will do her harm. And that is the last thing I want.
I understand that is going to be a really, really difficult road in front and the situation might now end up how I hope it will, but I love her and I want to try and continue to make our relationship something she feels good and safe in it and to provide her a place where she is loved.
Don't know If I will make it, but I want to be fair with her, but with my feelings also and give it my all.