Are my needs over the top?

[JasonK]

Hi everyone,

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down.
She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now).
But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation.
Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved
PS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do.

They're signposts. Not to make you happy, but to stop you being in unhealthy situations.

Saying they're there to make you happy is like saying 'Food is there to be steak'. Happy is just one of the feelings. Zoom out. A good life is one with little negative stimulation. She is really stimulating you in a negative way.

As long as you recognise the signposts, and follow them, you'll be fine. They are not signposts to tell you that you need to change anything about yourself, or the way you do things, unless you universally have a problem with your behaviour. So, if one person says you are too angry, then have a think about how people generally feel about you? Does everyone think that? Then consider looking into amending something. Does just one person think that? Stay away from them.

I was thinking at our arguments during the trip:

1. in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me.
2. Arrived at an accommodation and she went without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.
3. Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion"
4. And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shrugged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

You can't have a relationship with someone like this. It's too stressful. You're stressed at trying to make her happy and she's stressed because of her issues and the pressure she feels that you are trying to fix things.

She needs to heal and work things out herself without being in a relationship.

Go and find someone who is just happy and where your relationship is a positive rather than a negative with regards to their mental health. You won't be hurting her, although it may feel like that initially, you'll be helping her in the long run.

If she carries on with the counselling and is in a place to have a happy healthy relationship you can try again but no relationship is worth this much stress.

I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me

You are dismissing her feelings.

Arrived at an accommodation and she went without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that

She is dismissing your feelings.

If she didn't want your help, you're meant to respect that, not tell her to feel differently.

If she cared how you felt, she wouldn't have left you to deal with the luggage.

You don't even respect each other, let alone love each other. You're not trying to relate to each other. It's going downhill, and until you learn to respect her feelings, and she yours, it will only get worse. It sounds like you're willing to try, and she's not.

I think the fact that your approach is 'Am I over the top?' is belying that you think there is a right and a wrong way to behave. Outside of laws, there isn't.

@Watchkeys

At the moment I am not thinking straight and lucid, and I think it's normal. Like I said earlier, I feel like I am fast forwarding towards the pit of quick sand.

A billion ideas are in my mind.
In four hours, after the work shift ends, I am going on a long walk to try and decompress.

Have you had a look at the anxious attachment style? Spiralling into a pit of quicksand is redolent of that.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

You don't have to approach this by thinking you need to fix it. You don't have to spend the next few hours until you see each other turning it over and over in your head. You're not at fault. You are being who you are. If that doesn't make you happy with her, then change your relationship. Don't change yourself to fit your people; change your people to fit you.

Take a break from it.

@Watchkeys
Cheers for the link. I grew up in a healthy environment and always wanted what my parents had.

Is not my low self-esteem here, I don't believe I have that, but rather my fear of being thrown away and starting over again, again date, again look for someone else.

As a kid I was thinking at 25 I will be married and having kids soon after that. I am 36 now. In this situation.

You are defining low self esteem in that post.

A person with healthy self esteem in your situation would say 'This isn't working. I want a partner who makes me happy, so I'm leaving this one and going to find what I want.'

There would be no 'fear'. That fear you mention is the fear that you don't have what it takes to get what you want. And that's why you've posted here too. You're not taking care of your own feelings.

always wanted what my parents had

What does that have to do with anything? Do you think that always wanting what your parents had means you can't have an anxious attachment style, or that you can't be insecure?

OP, this relationship is causing you to feel unheard and unhappy. The way that you describe it your partner sounds closed off, not wishing to confide in you or change.
She obviously has her own reasons for this and maybe you should leave her to work through these on her own. You mention you have your own flat, l would consider moving back to give her space. At the moment you are not meeting each others needs and too be honest it's just causing you stress and frustration.

And I will if after I put everything on the table she will not be interested in my feelings and my happiness.

"I am not problematic"
This jumped out at me rather. How do you know you are not problematic? In real life none of us is perfect and relationship issues are hardly ever only one sided. No other person can meet all our needs.

My advice would be to relax and not try to change the situation for the next few days. Give her the space she is wanting.

In the meantime, rather than thinking about her and why she is behaving in a particular way, maybe have a relaxed non-judgemental look at yourself. Where might you have flaws that contribute?

The other thing I'm wondering is if you both just have very different expectations of what you wanted from a holiday. You wanted it to be a time of increased physical intimacy which isn't wrong. However, if she has been doing therapy ( which is extremely hard work) and also finding work stressful, she may have just needed a time to totally rest/recuperate and chill out. That is also not wrong. Just different.

@Seaoftroubles

Thank you for your input.
Yes, I reckon that is the case. She is like that.

I will put everything on the table, but I don't believe in a break. If she wants space, but the kind of space in which we don't see each other, I am gone and not coming back.

But I want try to hear her say what the problem is because I love her and I need closure.

@EducatingArti

By problematic, I mean:
I am not the type of person who is checking your phone, looking to see who you are talking with, asking what you did all day long. If you need a trip with the girls, you'll always have my support and so on.
By easy going, I mean I am not complex on my demands, and I am not controlling and will never be.

Sure I have my flaws, but I am there when you need me as a partner.

Now you said something about the holiday that opened a light bulb in my head:
When we came back, we stopped at her parent's home because it was her dad's b-day. And during the dinner they were talking about trips and her mom was arguing, but in a funny way, with her dad about how it is normal when a couple is on a trip they should spend all the time together, while the dad was saying no and she was agreeing with her dad.
And I noticed that and realized maybe she needed some time alone in that trip?
She didn't ask for it, didn't give hints, but she wanted that, from what I understand.

Question:
Tomorrow should I open with this after we meet or see how the waters are?
(sure, a lot of things can happen until then).

I am not the type of person who is checking your phone, looking to see who you are talking with, asking what you did all day long. If you need a trip with the girls, you'll always have my support and so on
By easy going, I mean I am not complex on my demands, and I am not controlling and will never be

This is your definition of 'not problematic'. What you're saying is that you're respectful. That's the absolute bottom baseline for anybody who might consider a relationship with you. There are millions of people just like you; decent, respectful, kind. Do you think she's compatible with them all?

What is her definition of 'not problematic'? You don't seem to consider this. Everything is about you: what you do right, what you do wrong, what you can fix. This isn't about you, it's about your relationship. It's about what you're doing right for her, what you're doing wrong for her, what you need to fix for her. But as soon as a thought even comes into your head about something that she might like that you might not like (some space), you decree that you'll be off like a shot.

If she wanted a trip with the girls, you'd be all support, but if she wants some time to herself, no chance? Why is that?

And if you can't decide for yourself when to talk to her about this, you ought to be single. You're too vulnerable to being hurt by rejection if you're not capable of taking the risk of making a decision that basic. You decide when to talk to her about it based on how she's responding to you, and how you feel, not based on advice from strangers on a forum.

@Watchkeys

Not problematic, it means I am easy going, I am not controlling by any means and of course I have my qualities that made her fall in love with me.
Is not my definition, is just mentioning a few things.

And about the space:

• Mentioned a few times, she had all the space in the world she needs in the past two years. Her independence is her independence and I am fine with that.
• But at this moment, in this situation, I feel the need to communicate with her, to understand what is happening, not to be distant with each other. That is why I need to reach out.

I agree, this is a flaw of mine. If things are wrong, I want to make it better and I don't know how to give space, or better said, it's really hard for me to give space.

Mate, you're not easy going. The amount of intensity in this thread is evidence of that.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on being your own man, do your own thing, and just letting her know you're there for her and be attentive/supportive. The push/pull dynamic of a relationship means if you do everything a woman asks and be submissive to her, she will leave you. Youve changed the dynamic of the relationship.

She needs space, so she can chase you. That's how relationships play. If you're doing all the chasing, which you are here, then it's not interesting or fun for her.

@Vretz

At the moment I am not easy going, yes, and I mentioned why and I think it's somewhat normal considering the circumstances.

And I feel I am very intense now and I know is not healthy, but it's because of the situation of how things are.

PS: After 2 years we still chase each other? I just want to settle, both of us, no chasing, be in the middle.

100% you should be chasing her, and vice versa. That's the spark of a relationship.

When I say chasing, I mean building sexual tension and attraction. Where you're at, you're going to drive her away with what you're doing.

@Watchkeys has given you some really solid advice there about focusing on what she wants/needs, and she's telling you she needs some space. You might not like it, or agree with it, but that's what she needs.

Her feelings are valid, and whilst you might not think you are, objectively it's easy to see how you could be coming across and seem insecure to her here.

The idea of focusing on yourself and giving her space, is about showing you respect her feelings (and you're still allowed to disagree internally) and you're prioritising what she had said she needs.

If you step back, she'll value you and respect you more, and your words about what you need will carry more weight. Currently, you're just annoying to her.

After reading some of your responses i'm not so sure this is going to work.

This sounds like she is internally unhappy, feeling low about herself, and something has triggered her into a prolonged depressive episode, where really she would like to either go to her safe place or crawl up into a cocoon.

It also sounds like commitment is a concern for her, not because there's anything wrong with you, but probably because she feels she'll make you unhappy. That might be what the flat thing is about.

It's a stab in the dark but when I sort of act like this, that's how I feel. For example in the past I'd refuse to get married or buy a home with my partner because I'd feel they are making a mistake committing to me and leave me anyway. Or that I'd want to own my issues, and me alone.

That kind of internal happiness that occasionally manifests itself is super hard for a partner to deal with. Yes, she could try an be less of a dick about it, cos it sounds like she's obsessed with the dark place that she's in, and forgetting about how you might feel. She'll say things that can be hurtful now, and probably says something much more positive when she's doing better.

If you've not been through something similar yourself it'll be pretty hard for you to really understand what she's feeling, and have the patience to deal with this.

You sounds pretty broken up or you wouldn't be posting on here. But also, you sound a bit like this relationship is a way for you to achieve your life goals, and you don't have a lot of patience for this kind of drama.

Is it really her that you want and are committed to, or is it the idea of a the ideal relationship, and a future? Cos even if you can get through this one, you are likely to have future episodes like that, considering her MH history.

this is a flaw of mine

No! That's my whole point. You are not flawed. But you don't fit her. In another relationship, this could be viewed as an asset. Find someone who finds your traits to be assets, rather than trying to 'fix' things about you to suit another person. She doesn't want you as you are. Your needs are too much, but only for her, it's not a judgement about you. It's a statement about her preferences. If she doesn't like broccoli, would you say broccoli is flawed?

@Vretz
But how to do that when I am asking her how she slept and she is telling me bad because of the stress or when I call her to join me on the couch, she stays 1 minute then goes in the other corner?
She is really like a cat.
I am genuinely asking because I am out of ideas.

@Antilope
I am pretty broken up, to be honest. But I am writing here to seek advice, to hear people's opinions. Yeah, they are not with me in this relationship, but there is a pattern here many saw in their own lives, had previous experiences with this and see things I don't at the moment because I am getting more annoyed by the minute because of her being silent.

@Watchkeys
I understand what you are saying and I agree. What I mean by flawed is that instead of giving the space needed, I am turning myself inside out.

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!