Are my needs over the top?

[JasonK]

Hi everyone,

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down.
She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now).
But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation.
Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved
PS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do.

What happened is she’s had a bit of space and she is trying.

She sounds like she’s close to opening up a bit more and is trying to find her way back to you, and has realised she’s been acting ‘off’.

If you let her come back to embracing your relationship at her pace now and don’t push her too hard about what’s up/ try to have an intense conversation right away, you could find yourself back on track.

Imagine a snail retreating to her shell, and then slowly poking her head out again when she feels safer/ calmer. That’s her. What happens when you poke the snail right away? And what happens when you let her emerge fully first and feel comfortable, and maybe talk about what scares them into their shell in the first place? Which outcome would you rather?

You aren't having good conversation flow. Something isn't right. You can't make her tell you or be pushy, but if you have very different ways of processing or communicating then this will be hard. I think you need to back off and have time seperare

@NudeLouboutins
Yep, agree on that. With everything.
I am just confused because at the moment I am inclined to think is not about us the reason she is acting like that.

And also, I have no idea how should I act tomorrow when we are going to meet at our place? Try to be normal, try to see what is happening with her?

She sounds in a bad place and its unrelated to you. When you're supporting someone like that, you need to take care of yourself which is again, going back to the "be your own man" thing.

It's all about your communication here. So tomorrow, its going along the lines of appreciating her effort and just acknowledgement that things are a bit off, but you're not going anywhere, you're giving her some space and you'll be there.

You're basically playing the waiting game, and a cat is exactly what you're dealing with. With a cat, you let it come and go, but you do your own thing and keep yourself emotionally secure by knowing you'll be OK if she doesn't come back.

Vis-a-vis, the whole point about your self esteem.

You will 100% need an outlet/other social interaction to keep yourself sane during this, so if you haven't got a weekly hobby, now is the time to get one.

No, I don’t think the reason why she is acting like this is about you. Sounds like she just has multiple things getting her down.

I’d advise try to be normal, and let her come out of her shell. Just make her feel loved and supported. Imagine how you’d be around someone who’s just had some bad news type of vibe.

My bf is like that sometimes and pushing and probing never gets me anywhere. Usually he opens up and shares at his own pace and we feel more solid afterwards and like I understand him better. But the in-the-shell period can be tough.

I’ve learned to internalise that it’s not about us (unless I know we’ve had a little tiff) and keep myself busy with other things while he’s feeling feelings and isn’t the best company.

Really like this advice and comparison.

Thanks @Vretz and @NudeLouboutins for your wonderful input and I will try to do that today.

The annoying thing is she is acting out on me, so of course my mind is thinking I am the reason.
We chatted a bit last night and I've sent her a video with something on Instagram and saw she didn't react on it (she does it every time) and I asked her hey did you see that video? And her reply was: I saw it. Then radio silence. Then "Thank you". It feels odd, you know? She never reacts like this.

Then this morning, nothing. No good morning message, nothing so far. And I don't want to do it, I don't want to be the one that initiates this.

I really want to tell her today that this attitude is hurting me.

You're just not compatible anymore. There's nothing more to it imo.

The "I've never had sex on a boat" comment was a bit revealing I think, especially as most of your earlier posts centered around lack of sex and pestering 13125 times and wondering why it doesn't work. You need to find someone who doesn't mind "I've never had sex in <insert name of wherever you happen to be at that moment" type comments. Tbh id find that vagina sealing but I'm sure some women would find that interesting.

@Megifer
But we've been together 2 years. It would have been better to keep my desires just for me?
Imo, It's honest and healthy to tell your SO about what your desires are. When she asked me something, in the past, I tried my best to fulfill her need.

Of course it is, if its reciprocated and welcomed. If its not its just seen as sex pest behaviour unfortunately. She clearly has some issues she needs to work through and needs space to do that without having to think about your desires to have sex all day in a hotel bed or on a boat.

Like a lot of pp have said, you're just not compatible and you cant force that. That's fine. Time to move on for both your sakes. At this point just 2 years in? Its not worth it.

At the moment, I am trying to make my strategy for tonight, but I am fuming because of her lack of contact this morning.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive to the way she is/isn't responding to a message. I'm wondering if you are actually quite insecure in the relationship and she is finding that hard going. She doesn't have to respond exactly the same way to every video you send. Give her a break!

@EducatingArti

Of course, I totally agree with that, but I find it just odd this is now when she is acting out. Like the oddness of not sending a morning text or ignoring me when is something going on. Is too much of a coincidence and adds fuel to the burning fire.

But it's not my insecurity, but the relationship security is what is making me very intense.

This woman is clearly struggling with her mental health and you are being way too intense for this situation. She has told you several times she's struggling. And it reads here like you're making this all about you and her lack of 'affection' and intimacy with you. It's not even 9am and you're 'fuming' at a lack of communication? 'Acting out'? She's an adult, this is a really disrespectful line aimed at children misbehaving! That's a completely over the top reaction. Maybe the conversations you need to have should be revolving about what help and support she needs from a medical aspect rather than how you want more 'affection' from her.
I would advise this woman to run a mile if she was asking for help on MN. You're starting to sound very creepy.

You do sound pretty high maintenance tbh.

The comment where she looked sad and you asked if it was you.....obviously im guessing but i suspect you're a bit like that in general- needing reassurance, making things about you, your needs, your desires etc etc (while of course saying you care about her too). But honestly op, that's draining for a partner. Add on what sounds like continued references to sex when shes clearly not in a good place mentally isn't being a very good partner at all.

Let her go, she needs to sort herself out before she can take on someone else's insecurities and issues and you can be free to find someone more in tune with your personality and sex drive

@fettuccini
It's a different time-zone here, it's a 3 hour gap.
"Acting out" I agree, might not be the word needed here, but please consider that english is not my main language and some words might get lost in translation.
I don't know how to have a conversation about her mental health. I really don't. I mentioned at a time that maybe she should look for other therapist options because this one keeps on cancelling her and she became defensive.
I don't think it's fair to say I am starting to sound very creepy when I am trying to understand what is wrong with her when she is not communicating. I am not a mind reader.

@Megifer
I am not, I am really not. I just want honesty. That is all.
I made that comment because I was trying to understand what is going on because her behavior these days is very-very different and I never had this in my relationship so far.
I have received some amazing advices here which I am trying to follow, but put yourself in my shoes, do I really demand that much? Her honesty?
Reassurance is the last thing I need. I need honesty because we were happy and tried to build something together.

And like Watchkeys asked me, I think my needs and emotions came on surface, finally.

PS: About my sex drive. I think I need to go into details with this because I don't want to sound like a sex addict. We do it 1 per month now, that is not the problem. The problem is her reaction when I initiate it at times. Just throws my hand away like it's garbage. She is not saying I am not in the mood, which is normal, no, throws my hand or pushes me away.
And this is what I've told her, I feel like shit when you are doing that, please stop.
And I agree, is not me, she had her sexual issues in the past, I accept that, but don't you think at some point I stop and tell her that I have needs too?
She initiated three weeks ago and I was really not in the mood and tried to swing it. She got upset.
And of course it's annoying.

So what is better, not talk about this things and have them in the open? Or ignore them for the sake of it?
Then where is the honesty? Even from my part.

Sorry I am being blunt but honestly you both sound absolutely draining for different reasons and, sorry again, you are coming across on here, just in the written word (and even with your own positive spin you'll be putting on) as a very needy, insecure, confused individual.

You're not good for each other. This relationship is a doomed car crash in progress. Find someone more matched to your needs and let her go.

@Megifer

I am, at the moment, I am exactly that. Needy, insecure and confused. I can't deny that.
And it's the situation. The fear of the relationship ending without trying to save it.

Some relationships SHOULDN'T be saved. If you 'save' this you are potentially setting both of you up for years of misery.

@OrlandointheWilderness
Totally agree with that. In my opinion, a relationship that needs saving is doomed already.
But I need closure, I need to know I did my best and I will not look behind and think I didn't.

And im not surprised she throws your hand away. You've already revealed you dont always accept shes not up for sex so she probably just tenses up knowing that the first "no" (verbally or implied) won't be enough so has to be more assertive. Good for her.

It sounds like you have tried, I'll give you that to be fair. Trying doesn't need a label as in "babe i want to try and save us" or to be a certain one action - its ongoing. You've done that in your own way. Time to rip the plaster off and go and be happy with someone else. Lifes too short.

No way. Wait a minute.
A no means no. Don't know where you got that idea. That she is saying no and I refuse to accept that then she has to become more assertive.
Yeah, it's not a nice feeling, but a no is a no. And I've never gone any further.
Always was and always will be.

Agree. Op, you're stressing ME out and I don't even know you. Some don't want the forced discussing the relationship, constant analysing, checking the other person is ok. It becomes really wearing. Your GF may just be stressed with work or she may be finding you way too intense and feels stifled. I wouldn't blame her. It's also really weird to say 'well we were compatible last year so we must still be compatible now.' People constantly change- that's why relationships end, not always because someone does something wrong. You could sit down with her and have an honest discussion. And even if she says she still wants to be in this relationship right now, it doesn't mean she won't change her mind in the next month, year, whatever. Both of you are free to leave at any time.

Just a feeling I'm getting from the rejected for the "13125 time that day" and the caressing/kissing that felt forced (from her side) comments and just generally. I accept i might be wrong but as I said given you'll be posting this with a positive spin on it from your side, I don't think I am completely wrong.

I'm not suggesting for one minute there's anything non-consensual going on, just the usual "some men think they can convince their partner by carrying on trying it on for a bit longer" thing.