Are my needs over the top?

[JasonK]

Hi everyone,

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down.
She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now).
But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation.
Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved
PS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do.

You're doing that thing of thinking that if a relationship goes wrong, it's because someone is in the wrong.

But your needs are valid, as is her feeling that they're pressure to her.

Recognise that your purpose in life isn't to be her perfect partner. Her purpose isn't to be your perfect partner. You are meant to be you, as you are. She is meant to be her, as she is. If that means that your relationship isn't mutually satisfying, that's life, and you have to accept it.

Are you generally viewed as problematic, or just with her? That's a good way of working out where the problem is.

Is she worried about meeting YOUR needs OP? You seem to know and attend to all of hers, yet you feel like yours are unmet, so would you say she loses any sleep over that? Plus, as you say: I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her. Good communication is everything in a relationship, particularly in its early stages, and you don't have it.

You've been together for less than 2 years. Your relationship has been deteriorating for the last 6-7 months, which is roughly 1/3 of the total time you've been together. At what point do you think you'll be ready to acknowledge that you're flogging a dead horse?

@Watchkeys
But after two year we are not compatible? We've been good until march and even in march we were acceptable. Since August things are really not ok from my point of view because I expected a lot of sex and couple things in the holiday we had and instead we had small arguments.
I am not problematic, I am easy going, had only long term relationships in my life. She instead didn't, I am turning into her longest relationship.

@cheezncrackers
When I started the relationship, I knew what to expect: I knew she isn't someone who fits in, I knew she had some sex issues (very late managed to know herself sexually), her suicidal episode, her I don't want to call depression, but she never sits and just inhale/exhale and sees all the surrounding things that are good and her mind always races in different places.
I knew all of that and still felt in love with her. It wasn't infatuation, because I care a lot about her and when we make love, it's quite good, for the both of us.
I know all the issues that were there and I took a leap of faith.

And yes, she gave me the space I needed, gifts (I don't know, a choco bar, something small), even with all of this, I felt her caring for me, but is this barrier that is overwhelming at the moment.

All this navel gazing about needs but sounds like you just want more sex and other "intimacy"

It doesn't matter how long you've been together, or what your relationship was before. You, an easy going guy with a strong relationship history, are currently unfulfilled by your partner, who finds your needs overwhelming, so yes, you are not compatible currently, and if she isn't interested in meeting your needs, you won't be in the future either.

Things change. People change. She's gone off you, probably. That's her prerogative. But it's not on you to change to make her feel stuff she doesn't feel. Accept her as she is. Accept you as you are.

Couple of things.

Sounds like she has some background trauma going on. How much do you know about her childhood/ experiences that have shaped her, and sometimes cause her to feel sad/ on the edge of suicidal? It can be hard to understand someone's reoccurring and deep MH issues without having talked about stuff like that.

This has happened to me, has happened to my partner, has happened to my ex partner... I think many people go through stages like that when faced with serious struggles that maybe trigger some difficult memories or fears.

Try a few things:

• Give her space, some people work through stuff alone. If you feel like you are constantly messaging/chasing her, just stop, and let her reach out to you more, at her own pace. Nothing wrong wth leaving her be for a few days sometimes
• Don't try so hard on the intimacy. When your head isn't with it, it can go for months. You feel shit about yourself, you feel defensive, you don't want anyone touching you, feel unloveable. A warm hug maybe, but nothing in bed for example. Try to bond in other ways and make her feel safe. Sit close to her while watching TV, ask if she wants her favourite drink and make it for her, be a friend. Do little things that you know bring her joy. Show her that you're also her mate and care for her, not just a boyfriend. Once she gets over what's going on in her head, she will initiate. BUT. It can take months. The more you force it the worse it feels for you both, she feels guilt and you feel rejection. Just make her feel safe
• If you feel like things are at a real tipping point and she doesn't want to talk, you could try writing. When you write, think about the receiver, not just what you want to get off your chest. A time like this, hearing things like how much you care about her, or how you're not quite sure about how to support her but really want to try, and generally being consistent, safe and reliable go a long way
• Try opening up about your emotional life and experiences, but really dig deep, and don't make it about the relationship. Be genuine. If you open up and don't just talk about the superficial daily things, it might create a safe space for her to open up
• If she seems that way inclined, perhaps encourage her to seek therapy. But again, it's about how you put it across

I have been 'her'. And I know the above sounds like a lot of pandering to her every need, but it's not something she can just snap out of it. It happens, she can't really control it, and it's usually not related to how she feels about you.

Just be warned that as time goes on, over the years, it may happen again, and again. You need to be really patient and really love someone quite unconditionally to committ to that. Don't take that as a challenge though - if it doesn't feel right for you and you can't put your needs aside to that extent, nothing wrong with that, you've just got to be honest with yourself as it's not an easy journey.

@Antilope

Thank you for your amazing input:

1. I know a lot about her childhood. At some point, when she was a kid, her parents left her with her grandparents for a year or so to go abroad for a business I think and that took a toll on her. She felt abandoned. But that was about it, nothing else happened.
2. She is doing therapy, but from outside, I don't know it helps her or not. I don't see improvements when it comes her because she is at the same level of stress and semi unhappiness. I have no idea if she is doing the steps her therapist asks her to do.
3. Her suicidal act was a "youth in revolt" from what she told me. Was at a party, took some pills because she wanted to end it because of her unhappiness, the police found her, called her parents who took her into a rehab center

I've given her the space needed every time she asked me to do it and she gave me the same. I've never pressured her in doing anything or tried to be clingy.
I want to write her, but at the moment I feel I could come out exactly that: desperate and clingy. And the reason I feel this is that we barely communicate since yesterday. We are talking nonsense and she replies with 2-word sentences.

We are talking nonsense and she replies with 2-word sentences

Do you think she has the space she needs right now? It sounds to me like she's trying not to converse, and you persist, despite her short answers. Could you say 'Anyway, busy day ahead for me, lets chat later', and then wait for her to get in touch with you?

Do you live together/ how often do you normally see each other/ how far apart are you?

How often do you text/call in a normal day?

Sorry if you’ve said this before.

@Watchkeys

You are right.
And I will do that.

But it really does my head in because is not fair because I don't deserve this.

What is it you feel you don't deserve? Are you going to tell her it's doing your head in? What are you going to do about your feelings?

A question for you: What do you think your feelings are for?

@NudeLouboutins

Yep, we live together, we see each other during the night and in the morning mostly because of work, however, we usually have a day apart, mostly when she has therapy because she is doing it online and I want to give her the space needed and intimacy for that.
So on that day I am going to my empty flat. We did it since the beginning.

Also, another thing here about that. We are looking to move into another flat since march, a bigger one, we've seen a few but always there was a problem for her with them.
Not finding the one is another thing she said: puts pressure on her.

@Watchkeys
I think when there is love and I think there is from both of us, as you mention, communication is the key.

And as much as I try, for me it is hard to understand why someone would not try to talk to the loved one if there is something that bothers him, instead is doing this. I know it's utopic, but I think we owe this as humans out of respect.
"babe, I need a break from this relationship" or "I don't love you no more" ok, sure, but say that, don't annoy me with this attitude that ultimately is hurting me.

Yes, she's not behaving in the way you'd ideally like, that's understood.

What are you going to do about your feelings? What do you think your feelings are for? These are huge questions and if you can't answer them, you're going to struggle on and on. They are the basics of being healthy enough, emotionally, to have a good, solid, grounded relationship, which is what you currently seem to be missing.

@Watchkeys

I don't know. I genuinely don't know.
I want my feelings to be heard and if they will not I will walk away. That is what will happen.
Sadly.

I want my feelings to be heard and if they will not I will walk away

Have you told her this?

The last part, the walking away, no.

We just came back from the holiday, I am still in shock about the whole thing and I don't want to give her an ultimatum yet until I understand what is happening.

I want to give her the space you advised until tomorrow night when we are going to meet and sleep in the same bed and see how is the vibe in real life from her.

But until then I need to find a balance with myself and it's quite difficult because I am going out of my mind at the moment.

To answer your OP, Op, yes. Yes your needs are over the top

I was unpacking earlier and found something cute she wrote me on the plane on the napkin and a book she bought me with the intro from her to me.

So, of course I am confused, we didn't have a large argument there. But we had small discussion.

And the only thing we spoke today was:
Me: Morning
Her: Morning
Her: How are you
Me: Me, fine, you?
Her: So and so.
Me: Why?
Her: Woke up a few times, did not sleep well
Me: Why?
Her: Stress.

...

@anythinginapinch

Why? Can you go into details?

According to what rules?

I was made to feel my needs were over the top all my life. Then I met a compatible partner, and we're happy. Where are the rules that tell us what level our needs 'should' be at? Why would you know whether the OP's level of need is 'correct'?

I'm still wondering what you think your emotions and feelings are for, OP? Obviously there's no need to answer, but I'm wondering if you're deliberately trying not to answer. It's an important one to answer for yourself, even if just internally.

@Watchkeys
I am not avoiding it by any means, but I don't know what to answer.
I will try to say that I think I need to be in a place where my emotions and feelings are heard. And currently I am not.

That's like answering 'What is food for?' with 'I need to be in a restaurant' :)

Sure, to make me happy. To bring balance into my life.