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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being controlled?

108 replies

BaronessKareness · 20/08/2023 23:03

Posting for advice and opinions, please…
been with partner (M59) for 4 years now, we get on great, really
‘clicked’ from the start, loads in common etc. He moved in with me last summer as he works away Mon to Fri and there was no point keeping 2 homes running. Since around May/June, he’s been suggesting I give up my job (part time hospitality) as he earns very good money and could easily cover my wages. I’m tempted as I’m sick of my job and finding it hard-going the older I’m getting (very late 50s), and also I love being at home. He is now in the process of getting us a joint vehicle, so we would each sell our own car and share the nice new one. I would have it with me all week. Starting to feel a bit 😳 over the weekend as he’s suddenly suggested I wear less make up as
‘I don’t need it’ and he likes my hair tied back or up- as I look ‘prettier’….. (I really don’t!!)
im starting to feel a bit like an Amish housewife… I’m just waiting for him to arrive home with a bonnet for me!!
Soooo… am I right to feel a bit odd about this - or am I reading to much into this?

OP posts:
Rainrainrainagain1 · 20/08/2023 23:34

I would say it depends on how he is with other aspects of your life? Is he ok with you visiting friends and keeping a social life? If so then he’s probably just being nice by saying you don’t need to work in a job you don’t enjoy and we as a team don’t need to run two cars when he doesn’t need it all week.

but, I wouldn’t be giving up my job and car if I felt controlled by any means, in-fact I would probably do the opposite to prove how independent I am

Verymodestmouse · 20/08/2023 23:42

I think each of these has to be taken on it’s own merits.

  1. job - talk through what arrangements would be, joint account? Separate savings? Could you pay into savings? Keep paying your national insurance? Could you switch to something part time and cover more of bills? Whose name is the house in? Who pays the bills at the moment.

  2. car - it doesn’t feel comfortable for you to give up your car, so don’t! Maybe wait a year and see how you feel? Think through each time you use your car and what would happen if you have one.

  3. hair / beauty, I think it’s normal for partners to express what styles they prefer. You don’t have to listen to him. There is a big difference between saying “ your hair looks great when it’s up” to saying “why do you wear your hair down when you know I don’t like it?”

Lookingoutside · 20/08/2023 23:52

You’re right to feel odd about it, yes.

He isn’t going to try and isolate you from family and friends just yet as he’s still testing your boundaries and gauging what you will put up with.

Have you continued to do your hair and make up the way you like it? What happens if you decide not to take his advice?

I know the thought of leaving your job to be home and driving a nice new car is extremely appealing. Is it a good idea to become financially dependent on him? You don’t go into detail about your financial situation but say that his wage will ‘cover’ you.

Even if he isn’t starting a cycle of abuse, (I think he is) what if he wakes up one morning and doesn’t love you anymore, or what if he meets someone else, or dies? Can you support yourself?

Be very careful OP. Keep your eyes wide open and watch and listen to him closely.

cccarol · 20/08/2023 23:53

certainly wouldn’t give up your car as its your main independence
you must keep it .

JanglyBeads · 20/08/2023 23:55

Red flags, yup, especially as it's making you feel uncomfortable.

I'd start planning to extricate myself pretty quickly. You could ring women's aid for some advice or just to talk it through with someone objective. They are objective!

Merapi · 21/08/2023 00:02

So far he wants you to give up your job so you lose financial independence, and he wants both your cars to be sold and replaced by one that he owns.

He'll be talking about selling your home next, and moving to one that he owns.

The words 'boiled' and 'frog' spring to mind.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 00:02

Thanks for your replies.
As regards the car, mine is coming to the end of its days and would either need a good overhaul or moving on in the next year or so. He has a decent car, but the new one is one we both like and I would have it all week.
The house is owned outright by me, he’s not interested in the house/buying jointly or moving.
Work has become very toxic in the last year or so, I honestly hate it, and had a meltdown about it about a month ago, when I blurted it all out to him. That’s when he suggested I pack the job in.
I still feel confused by the situation. Half the time I think “yay!” lucky me…. But then I worry about some of the points you guys have raised. Please keep advising… I need your thoughts!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 00:05

@Merapi

please could explain the boiled frog metaphor… I don’t know what it means?

OP posts:
Merapi · 21/08/2023 00:18

BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 00:05

@Merapi

please could explain the boiled frog metaphor… I don’t know what it means?

Put a frog in hot water and it will jump straight out. Put it in cold water and slowly heat it, and the frog doesn't notice. It is a metaphor for gradual change, and you don't know what's happening until it's too late.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/08/2023 00:28

Don't give up your financial independence ever. Get a different job or go part time but never give it up completely. I assume your pension contributions are at the maximum?

Don't give up your freedom. I take it the new car will be in his name as you can't legally both own a car, it's lent to you but owned by him. He could take it away at any time and there'd be nothing you could do.

Hair, makeup etc what do you want to do? Does it make you feel better, more glamorous or would you be relieved to stop?

He moved in last year and now he's turning your life upside down...and for what reason? He might be good but he might also be starting to turn the cooker knob up to see where your boundaries are.

Justleaveitblankthen · 21/08/2023 00:38

Have you ever passed similar comments on his own appearance OP? 🤔

How would he react if you did?
Today's 'compliments' could be tomorrow's negging.

I'm not you, but I would run a mile to be honest.
It feels suffocating.

Mari9999 · 21/08/2023 00:46

@BaronessKareness
Quitting a job and relying on another person to support you is a dicey position in which to place yourself willingly.
What happens if the relationship goes South ? How easy will it be for you to find another job?
I would be less concerned about being controlled and more concerned about unwisely surrendering control.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/08/2023 00:50

I think the update changes things.

You cried about hating your job so he suggested you quit it.
Your car needs to be replaced soon.

The makeup is different. I had an ex who loved me with no makeup. That was his preference. I didn't look amazing without but to him I did because he liked that look.

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/08/2023 00:51

Lookingoutside · 20/08/2023 23:52

You’re right to feel odd about it, yes.

He isn’t going to try and isolate you from family and friends just yet as he’s still testing your boundaries and gauging what you will put up with.

Have you continued to do your hair and make up the way you like it? What happens if you decide not to take his advice?

I know the thought of leaving your job to be home and driving a nice new car is extremely appealing. Is it a good idea to become financially dependent on him? You don’t go into detail about your financial situation but say that his wage will ‘cover’ you.

Even if he isn’t starting a cycle of abuse, (I think he is) what if he wakes up one morning and doesn’t love you anymore, or what if he meets someone else, or dies? Can you support yourself?

Be very careful OP. Keep your eyes wide open and watch and listen to him closely.

I agree with this.

AbraKedavra · 21/08/2023 00:51

BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 00:02

Thanks for your replies.
As regards the car, mine is coming to the end of its days and would either need a good overhaul or moving on in the next year or so. He has a decent car, but the new one is one we both like and I would have it all week.
The house is owned outright by me, he’s not interested in the house/buying jointly or moving.
Work has become very toxic in the last year or so, I honestly hate it, and had a meltdown about it about a month ago, when I blurted it all out to him. That’s when he suggested I pack the job in.
I still feel confused by the situation. Half the time I think “yay!” lucky me…. But then I worry about some of the points you guys have raised. Please keep advising… I need your thoughts!

With the added context, I don't see any red flags. At least in what you've posted.

Alcemeg · 21/08/2023 00:59

Maybe don't overthink things? if he's generally kind to you (is he?).

Begsthequestion · 21/08/2023 01:01

I think you should listen to your gut, not the reassurances of people on here who don't know you, or your situation.

Take note of how you really feel about giving up your car, your income, your style.

You don't have to do any of those things, no matter how "practical" they appear to others. If you want to keep your independence, that's fair enough.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 01:09

In answer to the question of if he is kind to me… yes, he’s lovely to me, always has been over the 4 years we’ve been together.
We are both 60 in the next 6 months, so we feel quite settled together, I just wonder if my outburst about hating my job so much prompted him to say ‘well, leave then, I earn more than enough for us both, you don’t need to be miserable there’ Likewise, the car thing, it does make sense to just share one in our situation… but I guess there is a tiny part of me that is nervous about it.

OP posts:
Ahwhatthehell · 21/08/2023 01:34

Is it ‘a tiny part’ of you that’s concerned though, op?Or do you have a feeling of general uneasiness? I’d listen to your gut either way tbh. If it feels wrong, it is wrong I think.

Do you know much about any previous relationships he’s had?

Namechange666 · 21/08/2023 01:49

Can you change jobs just so you have some security? Do you have a pension?

I would never advise anyone to rely on one person, especially where money is concerned. Partner or not. Always have your own.

Zanatdy · 21/08/2023 04:50

I’d be hesitant to rely on someone else financially, but I had an ex who hated me spending money when we had a joint account (I worked full time time) and we had to go back to our own bank accounts. The fact he’s suggested it as you’re stressed and very unhappy in your job is a bit more reassuring as it wasn’t out of the blue, and I guess when he’s away all week and your car needs changing, does make sense to just have one. The car is less of an issue as if you split you can get another pretty quickly. The job is different, its obviously harder to get a job as you get older. Is it just a casual job you could soon get another if need be? How is he in general around spending money? My ex seemed really generous but that all changed once we were living together.

Autieangel · 21/08/2023 06:30

The car sounds sensible although if you want two cars that's fine too. Does he keep track of you? Want to know where you are (in a demanding way)? Try to suggest friends/family aren't good for you? Try to stop you going out?

You need to clarify what finances would look like, would you need to ask him for money or is it a shared pot?

Also does he pay rent to live with you?

OhamIreally · 21/08/2023 08:31

I often read threads where it's suggested that such and such a thing "makes sense". 99 times out of 100 the thing that "makes sense" ultimately benefits the male in the relationship.

Don't do what makes sense, do what you feel is right for you would be my advice.

On another note it's horrendous when you hate your job - colours everything in your life. If it's a part time hospitality job is there no chance of getting something else?

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 09:30

@OhamIreally

thats a really good point about
joint decisions being often the man’s suggestion…hmmmm
We are in a tourist area so a lot of work is seasonal… you can really see the cost of living starting to bite too, hence hours being cut at previously busy times of year. Work is not that easy to find as it used to be.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 21/08/2023 09:34

I think if he’d suggested quitting when you were happy but I think it’s rather shitty to suggest you’re being controlled when you were whinging about working. And the car you’ve agreed to, benefits you and in your own mind is sensible.

so Really it’s appearance, many folks tell their partner, male or female, what they think looks nice, it’s not like he’s demanding you do it. So tell him you no longer will accept comments on your aappearance.