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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being controlled?

108 replies

BaronessKareness · 20/08/2023 23:03

Posting for advice and opinions, please…
been with partner (M59) for 4 years now, we get on great, really
‘clicked’ from the start, loads in common etc. He moved in with me last summer as he works away Mon to Fri and there was no point keeping 2 homes running. Since around May/June, he’s been suggesting I give up my job (part time hospitality) as he earns very good money and could easily cover my wages. I’m tempted as I’m sick of my job and finding it hard-going the older I’m getting (very late 50s), and also I love being at home. He is now in the process of getting us a joint vehicle, so we would each sell our own car and share the nice new one. I would have it with me all week. Starting to feel a bit 😳 over the weekend as he’s suddenly suggested I wear less make up as
‘I don’t need it’ and he likes my hair tied back or up- as I look ‘prettier’….. (I really don’t!!)
im starting to feel a bit like an Amish housewife… I’m just waiting for him to arrive home with a bonnet for me!!
Soooo… am I right to feel a bit odd about this - or am I reading to much into this?

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:01

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He gets wages paid into his own bank, then puts random money into my account for me to squander spend on myself, or the dog /the house, whatever - he’s not hiding money fgs!

OP posts:
Bansheed · 21/08/2023 19:03

I can see why your antennae are twitching as these decisions can make you financially vulnerable and unattractive ( in your eyes). So, with that in mind, I would think about how you mitigate against that?

Maybe new job and continuing to keep your own style? I would also keep two cheaper cars as you may need one for work?

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:03

This seems to have spiralled into him money laundering through my bank, having to report to him when using the car, and “daring” to answer him back!!!!
Wow😮

OP posts:
category12 · 21/08/2023 19:05

I notice you're not responding to the what will you do if it does go pete tong and you're jobless and carless.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:09

@category12

buy another car, 🤷‍♀️
get another job🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
category12 · 21/08/2023 19:10

Why not find a job you like then, if it's so easy?

RaininSummer · 21/08/2023 19:11

I would be wary of giving up work as it is really not easy to get a job once you are over 50 in some industries. Make sure, if you do, that you have some decent savings as if you split up and have to claim benefits you won't get much more than 300 pounds a month. What will happen at the weekend if you both want the car? Is there public transport available for one of you?

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:24

@RaininSummer

we don’t get a huge amount of time together at weekends so we are always out and about together
( hence the idea of a shared car… his car sits at my house all week, and mine is knackered so one car will be enough)

@category12

maybe I will.. maybe I’ll just see how this situation goes…

OP posts:
randomusernam · 21/08/2023 19:40

What was the context of the makeup hair up comment? We're you complaining about not feeling attractive or commenting on appearance or was it completely out of the blue random comment?

Duckingella · 21/08/2023 19:47

Don't give up work;find a new job.

Have a car fund just in case.

Out of interest;has he moved out of an rented property into your mortgage free one?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2023 19:56

He’s paying money into your house, a home he has moved into. He can show payments being made into your account so he’s being clever about that as well.

You are now seeing who he really is. What happens to you when you say no to him?

Do not give up your job before getting another one in its place.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:56

The hair comment was about me taking ponytail out to tidy hair before going out… make up comment has been said to me before by both males and females (that I look younger)

He had been renting his own place for years when I met him. When he started working away, I pointed out the wasted money paying for a house he was never in.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2023 20:02

What’s his relationship history?.

MrLbz · 21/08/2023 20:03

Holy shit he can’t win here can he 🤣

Should he be asking you for money and telling you that you need makeup to look good?

In any case, only do what you are comfortable with.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 20:05

@AttilaTheMeerkat

It was me who asked him if he wanted to move in with me as he was paying for a place he was never in. We debated it for 4 weeks before going ahead!

Nothing happens to me when I say no to him… what on earth do you think happens to me????

You were the poster who thought he was laundering money through my account…
Fgs, it’s not a bloody movie!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 20:12

@MrLbz
Thank you!! He really can’t win, can he, poor sod!!😁

I expect him to be arrested at any moment for various ‘crimes’ some posters are cooking up for him!!

All I wanted was a little advice on what you lovely lot thought of my little reservations going forward with this situation. It’s turned into a bit of a pile-on, sadly.

Thanks to those of you who raised some good points I hadn’t thought of, and made me think about different scenarios that may or may not crop up along the way.💐

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2023 20:14

I never mentioned the words money laundering, you inferred that from my comments wrongly I might add.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2023 20:20

He’s gone from renting for years seemingly quite happy to do that into moving in with you. A big leap upwards for him. You’ve never had to say no to him and you’ve gone along with him quite happily. You should be wary when it comes to his comments about any aspect of your appearance because that’s controlling behaviour.

Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 20:26

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You asked why he was “paying money into my account rather than his own… “ I had already said he earns enough money to more than cover my part-time wage.
what exactly were you inferring , then?

You seem to have issues with my posts for some reason? Several of your comments have insinuated stuff that I should be wary or fear of. I cannot understand where you are coming from with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 20:29

He did indeed rent happily for years - whilst he lived locally.
Then he got a new job that involves working away all week… therefore still paying for a house he was rarely in.
And I frequently say ‘no’ to him!!!

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 21/08/2023 20:42

It does look like he wants a lot of change. You've spotted the flags, keep a watchful eye on his other behaviours.

OhTheSilence · 21/08/2023 20:52

BaronessKareness · 21/08/2023 19:01

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He gets wages paid into his own bank, then puts random money into my account for me to squander spend on myself, or the dog /the house, whatever - he’s not hiding money fgs!

The "random" money comment has got my attention. Have you made an agreement with him on what his financial contribution is? Or has he been deciding on his own to donate generous amounts? As others have said, if someone is controlling, generosity can be used to control as it creates a false debt. Be watchful if he has a transactional way of thinking and is mentally keeping score.

category12 · 21/08/2023 20:55

I can understand that it seems very attractive to stop working, especially if you're unhappy in your job, but it seems like a big risk to me.

I mean, if you're out of the workforce for a while and need to go back, how attractive a prospect are you going to be at 60-odd in the job market, having lost up-to-date experience - especially you're already said work is hard to find in your area?

Maybe it's not as pressing in your situation with your home paid for etc, but it would worry me.

Presumably you work because you can't afford to retire yet.

Becoming dependent on a man, however lovely he may be, is a big risk.

Whattodowithit88 · 21/08/2023 21:00

Nothing wrong with any of it apart from the car, I would only be happy to give it up if the new joint car went into your name. With regards to financial independence, you don’t have kids and won’t be getting a mortgage anytime soon as you own the house so I don’t think it’s a problem giving up the job, you can just get another if it doesn’t work out.

category12 · 21/08/2023 21:00

Also, you must still be paying into a pension. If you stop now, what will that mean for your pension fund? Is he going to top it up?

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