Am I being controlled?

[BaronessKareness]

Posting for advice and opinions, please…
been with partner (M59) for 4 years now, we get on great, really
‘clicked’ from the start, loads in common etc. He moved in with me last summer as he works away Mon to Fri and there was no point keeping 2 homes running. Since around May/June, he’s been suggesting I give up my job (part time hospitality) as he earns very good money and could easily cover my wages. I’m tempted as I’m sick of my job and finding it hard-going the older I’m getting (very late 50s), and also I love being at home. He is now in the process of getting us a joint vehicle, so we would each sell our own car and share the nice new one. I would have it with me all week. Starting to feel a bit 😳 over the weekend as he’s suddenly suggested I wear less make up as
‘I don’t need it’ and he likes my hair tied back or up- as I look ‘prettier’….. (I really don’t!!)
im starting to feel a bit like an Amish housewife… I’m just waiting for him to arrive home with a bonnet for me!!
Soooo… am I right to feel a bit odd about this - or am I reading to much into this?

Maybe I am weird but I can't see what he has done wrong.
You have known him for 4 years and say he has always been kind, why would this be different?
Just make sure you will have access to money, really discuss how you not working will work for both of you and keep a clear head and I think you will be fine.

The asking you to change your hair/makeup/clothes is often a first step to test someone's compliance.
If agreed to, bigger things get asked and as in the boiling frog analogy the water temperature starts to rise.

Listen to your instinct. Do you want to leave financial independence behind and need to ask him for cash to go do your shopping etc? What if he begins to sour over this. Is he telling you give up your job because you’ve been complaining about work? If so, maybe he’s just trying to be kind to you and get you out of a bad situation. Just look for other red flags, as everyone else has said, is he going to want you in the house 24/7? Has he started commenting on who you meet, or what you say to others? The appearance thing is a red flag, the way you wear your hair is up to you. I’d be annoyed if someone said this to me as it’s a backhanded compliment , look out for stuff like that

Thanks for your messages, I am digesting all that you’re saying…
I can’t see money being an issue really, he’s always paid for our food shop, meals out, bought me unexpected stuff etc, long before we started living together.

He puts money in my bank for no reason and always has done, again, long before we were more “permanent”
We’ve spend hours discussing the pros and cons of situations ( the living together took 4 whole weeks of debate!) likewise the car, we sent each other photos of different ones til we both said “ooh!” to the same one.

I guess I’m just asking if I should be aware of anything that is flagging up with Mumsnetters that I may not have thought of?

My miserable work situation seemed to catch him by surprise, as I had not really said anything to him. The first thing he said was, “why are you staying there, Jack it in, stay home if that’s what you want, we don’t need you to work, and be in that state, the place is not worth it.”

So not something he would have thought of, if I had not had such a meltdown🤷‍♀️

I don't know about "controlling" OP, sounds more like generosity? Or are you worried about feeling in his debt somehow, like it would give him the edge over you? What has given you that feeling?

Personally if a bloke offered to pay for me to give up work, I'd be happy if he kept me chained in the cellar and fed me cat food 🤩

@Alcemeg 😂😂

it’s dog food, not cat food!😁

Perhaps it’s just generosity, and it’s caught me unawares? 🤷‍♀️
I do support him a lot, particularly with regard to his job and being away from home all week, and also with his parents and he really appreciates it, so maybe that’s a 50/50 that I hadn’t noticed?

It's really hard to call.

Sounds like he's been consistently generous, so it's not exactly out of character if you're really upset about work. Is he proposing to pay you an amount? Or will it be a joint account?

And the car kind of makes sense if he's not there. Who's name is the vehicle/finance in?

But the timing of the makeup comment... I dunno, what happens when it's 'his' money that you're spending on makeup he feels you don't need? And... why are you having your hair cut when it looks so much better up? I'd ignore this 'advice' and pay close attention I think.

I also think you're right to listen to your gut. You're losing a LOT of your independence in a very short time here. Any idea if he'll have a claim to the house if you're unemployed & he's now paying all the utilities etc?

If you're tempted, do a dry run over the quieter off season & see how it goes with intention to go back to work when the season reopens if it your dependence on him gets uncomfortable.

I dunno, I'd be twitchy too OP.

If you do decide to throw him back after 4 years OP because he seems to be over generous you’ll probably see a queue to take him off your hands 😃 (Meant light heartedly.)

I think you are absolutely right to question his motives, even if it turns out they are not sinister. If only more women would!

It sounds like he made the suggestion for you to give up work as a knee jerk reaction to you saying you hated it without actually thinking about the details rather than as a premeditated way to control you.
You should sit down with him and discuss it in detail, including that it makes you uneasy to be reliant on him. You need to think about pensions, and make it cast in stone that he can't take your house. eg , does he contribute to repairs or upkeep which could be counted as having a stake in it. Would he be expecting you to take on more of the housekeeping if he is paying for everything? What happens if he falls ill or dies and leaves you without an income? Will he just transfer an amount every month into your own bank account?

Asking if he would agree to the car being in your name would be a good test of what he is thinking.

If he is a decent bloke then he will understand that it is a big step and that you have concerns.

@Taxiii

Thank you - i really agree, it’s so hard to call!! I’m currently on a ‘dry run’ of a few weeks off work (they need my hours, it’s that bad at the moment😱) and things are fine but at some point in the next month, I’ve got to make the decision…
No call over house - I’ve owned it outright with no mortgage for many years, everything is in my name only (he’s not bothered at all)

I've picked up on that you 'support him with his parents' (cynic that I am)
by doing what exactly? if he is 60 I'm assuming they are 80 ish

in giving up your job, does this mean you will have more time to do this?

don't turn yourself into a carer.

As I said in previous posts, we have discussed - at length, the ins and outs of the car/work/ money situation… for hours and hours!
I was just asking you lovely folk to help me check if I’ve missed anything or wether I’m being foolish to go ahead. Sometimes people unconnected can see something that the people involved can’t see.

What happens to you financially if you give up work and

• he fucks off, or
• loses his job, or
• dies, or
• won't give you any money after all, or
• or leaves you short?

Do you have a pension or income you could survive on?

What happens if he takes the car after all and you're without one:

• could you buy another one, or
• are public transport links good enough

I wouldn't make yourself dependent on a man without having a really strong back-up plan.

And yeah, him making comments about what you should wear sets off alarm bells.

No work but use of HIS car while he's away, you can go care for his parents. Living on HIS money, surely you won't begrudge caring for his parents......

Telling you you look better with hair tied up and less make up may be him ensuring you start to feel dowdy and lose a lot of confidence, to his advantage.

Be wary.

Why would I be prioritised over his sister regarding caring for his parents?

Just saying be wary of expectations regarding care duties.

Control is very subtle.

By having a joint car it means you need to notify him about your use of the car.
The car will be a 'shared' space. Therefore all your spaces are now 'shared'.
Just notice that.

Just notice how good it feels to have your own car to hop in into with your mess and your stuff in it. You'll no longer have that.

He feels he can comment on your make-up because he is slowly increasing ownership of you.

If he's giving you money without you asking him, that's control as well.
He's blurring the boundaries so that your bank account now has him in it as well.

He buys everything and you just let him.

He may be doing all this unintentionally. But there's a part of him infiltrating all your private spaces.

I'd be very interested to know what happens when you challenge this.

Then he can say 'but after all I did for you this is how you repay me??'

Would you dare say something like 'don't tell me how much make-up I can wear thanks. I'll decide that for myself!!'

Honestly it seems like you're looking for red flags where there aren't any. To me it sounds like a symptom of spending too many hours on MN. You read enough about other people's issues, and suddenly innocent, everyday interactions, appear malicious.

I disagree, it seems barmy to me to give up her job and independence.

If OP can afford to effectively retire even without his input, great, and if she could manage without a car or buy one if it came to it, great too - but if she'd be in a mess financially if the relationship went south or he died, then she really needs to think about that scenario. How easy would she find it to get another job?

@Seaweed42

Wow, that’s a bit of a jump isn’t it?

why would I need to ‘notify’ him about me using the car… he’s away at work 5 days a week! My car is a wreck and it certainly doesn’t ‘feel good’ to hop in to it… more like ‘will I bloody get where I’m going?’
I don’t ask him for money into my account, he just puts it there… he’s ‘in my account’ cos he wants to be.

He doesn’t buy everything and I’m just letting him… it’s more like, he gets shopping, I’ll pay gas bill etc.

Of course I ‘dare’ to answer him back, he’s not a bloody monster!! When he said about hair and make-up, I asked him what he meant and he just said you look lovely and nowhere near your age when we’re sat together in the evenings ( had a shower, no makeup on etc) much as I comment to him if he suits a particular colour etc.
I am quite strong-minded, and he has already given up his house, sold his stuff to come and live with me, it’s not a one-way street, we both compromise.

@AbraKedavra

Thank you, you may have a good point about reading too much MN!! 😁

The car wouldn't bother me too much.

With regard to work, I'd think carefully about giving up, or consider looking for something else (I know you said there aren't many jobs, but you can take your time). Definitely discuss finances, whether there will be a joint account, before you decide.

You say you own the house outright. What about if it needs repairs in future? Do you have savings for that? I'd be hesitant about allowing him to spend any large amounts on the property so that he has no grounds for a claim if you split up.

As for the hair and make up - sounds like you don't agree with his comments so just politely say you appreciate his opinion but you'll continue doing what you feel suits you. Don't be pushed into making changes you don't want to just to make him happy.

He does sound lovely and just generous though OP, so hopefully none of these are a sign of control. Just keep doing what makes you happy.

A concern here re yourself is that you did not previously recognise the boiled frog analogy.

What’s your own relationship history been like?.. I would ask the same question re him. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I think he is testing your boundaries and has done throughout this relationship and you must not ignore nor minimise the red flags re your appearance and your car. What is his reaction when you say no to him?.

What are your boundaries like when it comes to relationships?. What is and is not acceptable to you here?.

I would not quit your job either without having another one in place as I feel his offer is not as generous as it appears.

Why is he paying money into your account rather than his own?.

He is now showing you who he really is and I would fully expect him to further ramp up the power and control here by degrees further as he has already done.

Been happily married, then widowed.
He’s not bothered when I say no to him.
with regard to what I get out of the relationship… he makes me laugh every day, he’s kind, thoughtful, hardworking, good with any housework, caring, and we can talk and talk for hours. I’m never bored, we have a lot in common, music, sport etc