Why do women have affairs with men with young children

[Thegreenpotter]

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

This, every word. The age old double standard is propped up by married women who want to protect their marriage by making 'other women' so loathed by society they don't dare step out of line. Then they accuse young women of 'insecurity' for shagging men.

Nope, no insecurity here. Just sowing youthful wild oats like men are cheerfully expected to. I didn't knowingly shag anyone who was married but it wouldn't have stopped me back then. Unless his wife was in the room then why would I care if he didn't?

The insecurity comes from married women who think they'll be fine unless one of those unspeakable women comes along and wrecks their marriage.

My ex cheated when our DD was 8 weeks old. She knew he was taken and had a newborn baby at home from before they slept together that first night and still did it, despite the lovely family pictures of our DDs first Christmas on his Facebook. She pursued him hard after that first night and she was like the cat that got the cream when I discovered the affair and kicked him out. She lived the other end of the country but travelled down to stay nearby whenever she could. When I kicked him out he said he wanted to be single and sleep around. She lured him up North with her by getting pregnant, proposing and offering him an open marriage so he could have his cake and eat it. Once he was up there with her and married with another baby she went back on the open marriage and took it off the table. He cheated again and she's now a single parent. I hated her for a very long time (don't get me wrong, I hated him too, he didn't get off Scot free) Now I actually feel quite sorry for her. I confronted her when I found out and she said she's just a really broken person. She saw what she wanted and didn't care who she fucked over to get it. The worrying thing is she's an intelligent woman who was a junior dr at the time. Karma did it's thing in the end though. I just hope she's learned from the whole experience and is teaching her DD a better way to be.

I am astounded at how you could centre her so much after your ex dumped you and your newborn baby, got her pregnant and ran after the opportunity to carry on screwing around with or without his new partner's blessing. That you could think the lesson of this is that mothers must teach daughters to be better people.

Married men who choose to have affairs are to blame for choosing to break their vows and have an affair. The OW is not to blame for his choice to do this. The MM has made a morally repugnant choice. He is doing something he knows will devastate people he knows and has made promises to. Everyone seems to agree with this point.

It seems to me, on reading it all here, that where posters stand with how they view OW/ being an OW hangs on whether or not they think that knowingly entering into any kind of relationship/ having an ONS with a married man/ man who is in an agreed, committed, monogamous relationship is a morally wrong/ repugnant thing to do.

Views seem to depend on whether or not you think it is wrong to do and conceal something that you know, if discovered, will devastate somebody else, including strangers.
Interestingly in a lot of posts from those who have been OW in the past, there is a common thread that with hindsight, they deeply regret what they did and don’t like that former version of themselves at all, but at the time when they were OW, they did not feel that way.

Most posts from current OW seem to show very little (if any) guilt about their relationship with the MM, or empathy with the wife. They don’t seem to think it’s morally wrong at all to be an OW, hence they are fine with their choices.

Unlike the MM, the OW possibly does not personally know the wife and children, has made no promises to them. So they are people to whom she has no obligations and they are strangers. Therefore they consider it unnecessary to consider them when choosing to continue the relationship and view them as the MM’s ‘problem’ and not theirs.
The MM and his family are in one box, when they are together, and the OW and the MM are in another when they are together. One world has nothing to do with the other so why feel guilty? It thus makes sense to them and it’s absolutely their right to have these viewpoints and beliefs.

I can only conclude then that if you can answer the question “Do I feel ok deliberately participating in something which, although I didn’t initiate it, I definitely know might cause terrible harm to others, including strangers?” with “Yes” , then you’ll be fine with being an OW.

@DrSbaitso I hold both of them equally responsible. The reality is men and women both have the capacity to do morally repugnant things. This thread happens to be about women and why the do some of the things they do, hence why my post revolves around her. And yes, I think if she's learned anything from the whole awful experience then she absolutely should be teaching her children that moving forwards. Part of the reason I kicked him out and never looked back, which was still one of the hardest things I've ever done, was so that when my DD is older I can look her in the eye and tell her with confidence that she doesn't have to put up with that and that once someone shows you the kind of person they are and what they are capable of, you need to take them at their word. I'd feel the same way if either of our DC were boys by the way.

@DrSbaitso

Men shit on their families, people hand wring about women.

When a man shits on his family, nobody asks why. We know why, even though we don't like it. Because he enjoyed the sex/attention. A woman has an affair with a MM, even if she's not committed to anyone, and suddenly it's a huge mystery and she can't have any reason for it, because shit, women don't enjoy sex and attention, do they? And even if his family means nothing to him, it should still matter overwhelmingly to her, right? She's more responsible for his commitments than he is?

It's fucking misogynistic bullshit and I am so, so sick of seeing it vomited up on here all the time. If you won't reframe your thinking for the sake of sexism, double standards and woman-blaming, reframe it because you are enabling male infidelity. Because if you did ask the right question - why men shit on their families - you'd realise that it is in huge part because they don't get blamed if they do. No, the question is all about how the woman could do it, as if she's obliged to care more about you and your kids than the sexual incontinent you married. And who is now laughing while you go after someone else.

*

100% this.

And it’s always the OW who is hated the most, not the arsehole husband who had an affair and abandoned his children.

I think both parties are to blame when an affair occurs but every husband has the option to either say no to a woman’s advances (if she is the one pursuing him) or stop chasing other women himself.

Men don’t say no though and we all know why and his reasons are just accepted…

But Jesus Christ, what a vile and disgusting piece of work the OW is, let’s all hate on her and blame her and come up with as many ridiculous theories behind her motives as possible rather than actually direct the anger where it should be : the married man who made the decision to cheat on his wife and children.

@MorrisZapp kind reminder that to knowingly and proudly shag a married man indicates massive flaws in one's personality and insecurity.

Not the kind of insecurity where you are shy and wear baggy clothes - I believe lots of OW aren't like that. The other kind where you try to convince yourself that you're somehow better, and need the validation of a married man to feel desirable. You were chosen. You are exciting. Your are more sexy and fun.

And then the need to bash the woman who's been victimised by calling her insecure. Are you joking? You wouldn't be insecure if your partner was cheating on you??? So yes, you're right, I guess. That's a normal response to this king of trauma. And yes, it is trauma.

How can anyone who wasn't married to you nor the parent of your baby ever be equally responsible to the one who was? What's the point of the commitment if you're not fully responsible for it? If any old random is equally responsible?

The thread doesn't "happen" to be about the woman, as if that's just pure chance. It's always about the woman, even and especially when it's about the spouse and children who weren't hers to betray. We don't even get this level of woman blaming when she cheats on her own husband. She's literally more responsible for some other man's marriage than she is for her own!

I don't know why I bother. The misogyny and double standards are too ingrained. I am sorry your ex was such a sexually incontinent piece of shit and treated you so badly but I'm just stunned that he could be such a total fucker and somehow still not be totally responsible.

And it’s always the OW who is hated the most, not the arsehole husband who had an affair and abandoned his children.

You don't know the innings of other people's relationships. There are people who stay with the man and harass the woman. That's stupid but it comes from a place of hurt.

Most people aren't going to think what a vile and disgusting piece of work the OW is, let’s all hate on her and blame her unless she is a nasty person and rubs it in the female partners face. You might feel jealous or angry, but she's background noise.

And again, if you choose to be involved in an affair, you've got some nerve to be complaining about how the wife perceives you. As long as she's not harassing, she's welcome to hate you and think you're vile!

Heh!
I can not agree with the general idea of monogamy but still practice it myself. I am simply answering the question that made up the thread.
We are here to discuss and give our view of why people commit infidelity.

@DrSbaitso did you not actually read what I wrote? I said I blame them both equally. They both entered into it knowing what they were doing was wrong. It doesn't matter that she didn't know me or owe my children anything. There are things that are just plain wrong and most people don't do, whether they know the people or not. If it helps, I still hate him and will hate him to the end of time. Thankfully he's long since fallen off the planet and I very rarely give either of them a second thought these days. But the reality is, male or female, single or married, the threshold for whether or not we do something that we know is wrong and is likely going to hurt many people in the fallout can't be whether we owe them anything personally. If a person is prepared to enter into an extra marital affair, whether they're the cheating spouse or the OM/OW should be prepared for their share of the blame and hate.

All this talk of “luring him” and “trapping him with talk of an open marriage” sounds like it came from him not her. She did not “lure” anyone. He chose to have an affair with her.

I don't really understand the take down the male patriarchy thing whilst simultaneously taking down other women (namely married women) at the same time.

Sexual liberation for women yes but at the expence of your fellow woman.

These women will include your mother and daughters, what delights they will endure for your strange tactic of beating the patriachy.

If someone could enlighten me on that one.
What is your objective ?

It’s about not blaming women for men’s behaviour. That’s a feminist issue. It’s not other women’s fault if your husband cheats on you and it’s not for women as a whole to ensure your husband stays faithful.

I was talking about how society as a whole tend to view the OW, not about how the wronged wife individually feels about the OW.

This thread clearly demonstrates the double standards, the misogyny and the ‘woman blaming’ ethos when it comes to men having affairs.

If a man doesn’t care about his marriage vows, his wife or his children, then I think it’s really naive to expect an unknown woman to care about those things when they’re aren’t even her responsibility and who she has absolutely no relationship with or any commitment to.

There’s no such things as a “Sister hood” where all the females should be looking out for each other etc and it’s very unrealistic and child like to think such a thing exists or should exist.

Men screw women over.
Men screw men over.
Women screw men over.
Women screw women over.

Sadly it’s a fact of life.

I certainly don’t feel morally responsible to have the back of all the l other women across the world and I don’t expect them to care about me either. Just because we are all females that doesn’t mean we are all united in some special way and therefore we should never wrong each other.

But that doesn't beat the patriarchy it helps them, they want, cheap easily accesible sex without any conditions.

It is ultimately helping to devaluate women, whereby no protection or respect through union or marriage is protected, you are actively going against your own sex.

By believing you are in control by having no standards towards other women makes men deleriously happy. They do not wish for women to support one another, they devide and conquer and pitch women against women.

The ultimate objective for them is to not be bound by rules which help women.

@SueVineer but that's exactly what she did, she admitted as much herself. She never wanted the open marriage she offered him, she just wanted him and didn't care how she got him. In fairness, it served him right and I had zero sympathy for either of them when it all fell apart. She should be as much to blame for her wrongdoing as anyone else, they both chose to do what they did, nobody was under any false pretences. I find it completely bonkers that as the person who was wronged in all this I'm repeatedly told that I'm not allowed to be angry at her. I was angry at her for a long time. I was even more angry with him, but she knew what she was doing

*There’s no such things as a “Sister hood” where all the females should
be looking out for each other etc and it’s very unrealistic and child
like to think such a thing exists or should exist.

Men screw women over.
Men screw men over.
Women screw men over.
Women screw women over. *

Do you really believe that, have you lived a life whereby no woman, be it your mother, sisters, aunts, daughters and female friends have not had your back?, maybe even more supportive than the male figures in your life.
Or maybe ask how the women in Kabul feel towards one another, female solidarity does exist, I can think of many ways in which it does, you just choose to ignor those factors for your own selfish ends.

So make your mind up you all want to beat the patriarchy yet insist that female solidarity doesn't exist.

Take that excuse off the table, that you wish to be as equally decadant as men to beat the patriarchy, it's a silly excuse.

The fact is you want what you want at any cost.
There is no thought for others, there is no thought of the future and the impact of your actions, there is no empathy towards anyone but yourselves, and you are probably having sex with someone who wouldn't necessarily choose you as a primary partner.

They may be better looking, they maybe more physically desirable, they maybe older so you feel more secure in yourself and your attractiveness or they maybe older and more financially secure than men your own age.

There is a long list of why you do it, the list stands for any woman in society but there is one defining difference.

Many women, do not wish to harm other women and their children, it is an inate thing that clearly is missing in certain people.

Now whether that's due to nature or nuture is an interesting point, I know for a fact when I was younger if a man had picked me up for a night out with a baby seat in the back I think I would have literally thrown up.

The fact is you are different, it's not a question of right time, right place anyone could have an affair, no it's not, you are different.

It's those differences that need sorting out, it would make life so much easier if we knew there was a specific genetic code for weedling out the cheaters.
Can you imagine.

But they’re my friends and my family, of course they’d have my back, just as I would have theirs.

That doesn’t mean I have to have the back of every single woman on the planet, including those I don’t even know or have never met, purely just because I’m a female and so are they.

If my husband made a pass at another woman and she fancied him then I doubt for some women that me and the children would make any difference as to whether she enters an affair with him or not - she doesn’t have any responsibility or duty to do the right thing by me just because we are both women.

It would be my husband’s responsibility and duty to do the right thing by me because we are the ones who are married.

Of course I would be angry towards her but I wouldn’t be holding her responsible or blaming her for what my husband had done.

All husbands have the ability to say no and if they don’t, we’ll they’re the ones who are committing the betrayal.

They still need someone to help them betray the wife, however - wanking is not generally considered a betrayal 😉.

*If my husband made a pass at another woman and she fancied him then I
doubt for some women that me and the children would make any difference
as to whether she enters an affair with him or not - she doesn’t have
any responsibility or duty to do the right thing by me just because we
are both women. *

But would you believe it, there are women out there that would not go there with your husband if he suggested it.

Yup there is an empathy chip missing in you, you even expect all other women think as you do, they don't, they really don't.

"Of course I would be angry towards her but I wouldn’t be holding her responsible or blaming her for what my husband had done."

And I think you're the first ow to admit you would be angry at the ow.

And there we were thinking ow believe they should never be admonished ....

only the men.

I personally would never use words like debased. Certainly not about other women. That’s your word not mine. I am not judgemental in that way.

The point I am making is that when a woman is cheated on, the other woman - whether knowingly or unwittingly - has been made collusive in abusing her (because I see cheating as abusive). Both women are set against each other and he is in the middle as a “prize”.

like a pp I think there is a huge difference between cheating and open relationships. I honestly don’t get why people who want casual sex don’t get into throuples or the like

He told me he was in an open relationship and that his girlfriend was sleeping with other people too, so then it was not an affair. I believed him and by the time I learned the truth I had also been told about her being abusive and saw what I felt was adequate proof.