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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 19/08/2023 23:04

If the woman is fairly young herself and is not married or a mother I just don’t think she would have much empathy for his kids. Why would she? She would have no concept of the impact an affair would have.

FiddleLeaf · 19/08/2023 23:04

FloweryName · 19/08/2023 23:00

They do it because they fancy the man involved. They have no interest in or obligation to the children.

Agreed. In a lot of cases it’s really that simple. OW/OM doesn’t consider or think about the ‘happy family’. I don’t blame them either. It’s not like they’ve forced their way into this situation.

The blame is squarely with the attached party.

lovemycbf · 19/08/2023 23:07

Homeww · 19/08/2023 23:04

For me it was I wanted him and I felt gutted that the wife had beaten me to it. I was sad that I couldn’t have him but enjoyed making him want me anyway. I liked being the greener grass on the other side and I played on it. Turns out he wanted me that bad that he left. I didn’t really feel bad because I told myself it happens all the time and the kids would be ok. I had no kids of my own so didn’t understand. Now I do have kids I know what I did was wrong but I also think he was gross for allowing himself to be led by his dick. I had low self esteem and it was nice to be chosen over someone else. I’d never stolen a someone’s man before. I liked it.

Just better hope someone doesn't do the same to you one day huh

Dentaldrama · 19/08/2023 23:08

Homeww · 19/08/2023 23:04

For me it was I wanted him and I felt gutted that the wife had beaten me to it. I was sad that I couldn’t have him but enjoyed making him want me anyway. I liked being the greener grass on the other side and I played on it. Turns out he wanted me that bad that he left. I didn’t really feel bad because I told myself it happens all the time and the kids would be ok. I had no kids of my own so didn’t understand. Now I do have kids I know what I did was wrong but I also think he was gross for allowing himself to be led by his dick. I had low self esteem and it was nice to be chosen over someone else. I’d never stolen a someone’s man before. I liked it.

Are you still with him?

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 23:09

I don't think its the wrong question. My XH betrayed me and my very young children in the worst way. I despise him for it and they have now seen him for who he is. But he didn't do it alone. The woman he did it with laughed about me possibly discovering it and wanted me to find out. She later married a more prominent (and married at the time they met) member of his profession - she clearly was not a feminist and played them for professional advantage.

1daughterand3sons · 19/08/2023 23:10

My question would be why do men cheat. They can leave their not being held hostage

Homeww · 19/08/2023 23:11

lovemycbf · 19/08/2023 23:07

Just better hope someone doesn't do the same to you one day huh

Show quote history

My punishment has been that I’ve worried about that ever since and can’t trust a man. Also that particular man did attempt to cheat on me too. I caught him before it even happened. I wasn’t so special after all.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/08/2023 23:11

By asking this question OP, you are absolving the man of any responsibility and implying that the women have the power to stop men doing it...
It's on a par with the age old...
If only women didn't dress so "provocatively"
If only women didn't drink
If only women didn't walk down dark streets alone

No - if only (some, not all) men would have the decency to not insert their penis into someone else while their partner is at home with their children

Original poster
Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 23:11

Really interesting reading the replies.

i absolutely agree the man is 100% at fault. Just more curious why a women would even go there if she actually knew he was a man in a relationship with a young family. what could possibly be attractive about a man who cheats, lies and is willing to not think of his children and wife.

it’s something I could morally never do but perhaps because I am a mother?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 19/08/2023 23:12

Forbidden fruit is attractive. They don't think of his family life (neither does he when with her). Neither do they necessarily want to break up his marriage, a lot are content to keep it discreet until it becomes boring.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 19/08/2023 23:13

I ask myself this all the time. The OW was someone at his work she knew he had a partner and two toddlers at home. She would stalk my social media and when I finally msged her was as sweet and kind as you can be and blamed the stalking on her kids accidentally looking me up lol and that they don't even know how social media works yet there was so many deleted MSG's between the both and things that happened and all I can think is that she must have no morals or believed a pack of lies and somehow felt sorry for him which is pathetic given she was older you think she would of seen that old as time storey. She was just a bored housewife with four kids and he worked for her and I guess they both just lapped up the attention. It was pathetic really she would keep randomly msging letting him know her bedroom was toasty and about her gym routine wanting any breadcrumb of attention.. it ruined my family unit and she now probably doesn't give it a second thought.

RudsyFarmer · 19/08/2023 23:14

I think no one is thinking beyond their genitals at the point of an affair. Nothing is stopping people once the tipping point is reached. Not kids, or money, or feelings or jobs. It’s just free fall.

my82my · 19/08/2023 23:15

I've been the other woman. I had insane self esteem issues and it felt good to be the one he was choosing. I didn't give his wife a second thought really other than to tell myself she must be to blame in some way. Then one night while he was with me she called him, he was in my bathroom and had her on speaker and I stood ear against my door and she became real.
I stopped after that.
Looking back now I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. He was older than me.. 43 to my 24, that felt kind of powerful and was very confidence boosting. Still gross to look back on, I was so pathetic with men throughout my teens and early twenties. I'd never do anything like that now.

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 23:17

Put it this way, I've always sent married men away with their tail between their legs when they've propositioned me. Really it's not hard - if you have principles. I've heard the sob stories 'you don't know how hard it is to be in a loveless marriage' etc and I've been clear 'you don't know the heartbreak you will bring to your wife and your children'. How hard is that?

Wellitjustgetsworse · 19/08/2023 23:18

I think the other thing is these women think wow they picked me over their partner , kids job whatever it is and they have no idea that they often aren't the only one and there was nothing special or Romeo and Juliet about it. I really regret not sending her screenshots of the other women a few weeks before. There is a saying I heard recently that I really like.
It goes no one can take your man just your problem and with that maybe we should be grateful 😂😂

ifyougochasingrabbits · 19/08/2023 23:19

Homeww · 19/08/2023 23:04

For me it was I wanted him and I felt gutted that the wife had beaten me to it. I was sad that I couldn’t have him but enjoyed making him want me anyway. I liked being the greener grass on the other side and I played on it. Turns out he wanted me that bad that he left. I didn’t really feel bad because I told myself it happens all the time and the kids would be ok. I had no kids of my own so didn’t understand. Now I do have kids I know what I did was wrong but I also think he was gross for allowing himself to be led by his dick. I had low self esteem and it was nice to be chosen over someone else. I’d never stolen a someone’s man before. I liked it.

This makes sense

I have been the OW and the man left his wife for me. I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children and completely understand the devastation it causes where as I did not back them and also did not care. A lot of it was about "winning". I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed and regret it til the day I die

Are you still with him ?

Xrays · 19/08/2023 23:28

I had an affair with a married man when I was 19 and he was early 30s with 3 young children. Now I’m in my 40s, with a lot of life experience (in my second marriage after my first dh cheated on me with an ex) and a dd the same age as I was then and I am really embarrassed by myself. I think in my head I just didn’t connect the dots, he was mine when he was mine and I just didn’t really care about his time when he wasn’t with me. I didn’t want him to leave his family. I was a very troubled teen though. Abusive family background and I spiralled into alcoholism. I guess I was looking for an escape. Not an excuse I know but I can see that’s what I was doing. Eventually I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I met the person who went on to become my dds dad and I wanted to be with them. (Although that was a shit show for other reasons). The married man carried on being married, no one found out. Years and years later (after my own divorce) he contacted me on Facebook and he had got divorced many years after our thing. I don’t think as a childless, young 19 year old I had any real understanding of the gravity of what I was doing.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2023 23:29

I'm afraid it's a combination of some men's egos and thinking 100% with their dicks and certain women who seem delighted to 'get one over' on another woman and piss on their strawberries.

villamariavintrapp · 19/08/2023 23:40

Well, I think for the same reason as any other men. They fancy them, they get on well, they enjoy their company etc.. and then they just decide that the wife and kids aren't enough of a reason not to have a relationship with someone they like. It's easy to convince themselves that his relationship isn't working anyway, when he's pursuing a relationship with other people..

Mansplained · 19/08/2023 23:42

Ready for the flaming, but here is my version:

Wife unilaterally enforces celibacy one month after conception of the last child.

Other woman is initially happy that the man being besotted with his child(ren) means that she can leave the the relationship if the novelty wanes, but he is unlikely turn up on her doorstep with a suitcase.

Does the wife know? Maybe, maybe not. He is supportive, pays the bills, provides.

Are there consequences? Absolutely, in my case the other woman wanted me to live with her - which was appealing - but on competitive terms that would have 'punished' the wife and child(ren) for losing. Unless you are extremely selfish (I have seen some) there is a guilt that one has to bear that can only be shared with two or three carefully chosen people at most.

Decades later, I am still supportive, pay all the bills and provide for the family. No sex inside or outside the relationship for nearly twenty years, but daily access to my child(ren) over that time.

I neither want nor expect any sympathy, but my advice to anyone embarking on a long-term relationship - shameful or not - is that they should outline their wants, needs and expectations at the outset, review them at regular intervals and assert their right to considerate treatment from their partner.

Deargodletitgo · 19/08/2023 23:43

I cheated as a parent of small children, and the man I cheated with had children the same age. Kids don't come into it, or the other spouse because you go into it with the express intention to not get caught or to leave that main relationship so you believe there's no impact on the children from your actions. Most affairs aren't to leave the marriage

Xiaoxiong · 19/08/2023 23:45

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter I knew someone like that too, and in her case I think she had deep issues about only wanting to be with men that were unavailable. And having a child and being married is much more unavailable than just being in a relationship so I think it felt "safe" to her, like he'd never leave his kids and wife to be with her so it would just remain hot steamy attraction and sex rather than progressing to a real relationship (scary, vulnerable etc).

There is a forbidden fruit thing going on for some people too, where someone is more attractive the more "wrong" they are.

And there are some (like a few posters on this thread have bravely admitted) who are young, thoughtless, have zero self esteem and appreciate any attention but particularly from an older man who seems sophisticated and has cash to splash impressing her, and have no real grasp of what the fallout could be for the man's wife and kids. I never slept with a married man but I certainly fit the above profile for a while at university and can definitely see how it might happen. I feel very differently now I'm married with kids myself and have that understanding.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2023 23:47

@Thegreenpotter because there are some women for who it's a bit of a game. Makes them feel important , gives them a buzz - in some cases there's a big jealousy aspect to it too -wife has a life they quite fancy themselves

beenwhereyouare · 19/08/2023 23:47

Homeww · 19/08/2023 23:04

For me it was I wanted him and I felt gutted that the wife had beaten me to it. I was sad that I couldn’t have him but enjoyed making him want me anyway. I liked being the greener grass on the other side and I played on it. Turns out he wanted me that bad that he left. I didn’t really feel bad because I told myself it happens all the time and the kids would be ok. I had no kids of my own so didn’t understand. Now I do have kids I know what I did was wrong but I also think he was gross for allowing himself to be led by his dick. I had low self esteem and it was nice to be chosen over someone else. I’d never stolen a someone’s man before. I liked it.

@Homeww

Thank you so much for your honesty. You answered truthfully what your motivation was, without minimizing or sugar-coating your actions.

The OP didn't ask why a man with young kids would do this. She probably knows the answer to that- lust and entitlement, aided by compartmentalizing. Op wanted to know the reasoning that an OW might use to justify her actions. You shared yours and I admire the way you did so.

Although it was disturbing, someone reading your story may find some comfort from it. I know it did so for me.

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 23:49

I love how this topic went from women knowingly going after men who are in relationships with children... to being it's the men's fault...

When we've JUST had a massive topic where 75% of women just told a married woman with kids who had an affair "don't worry about it, lie to your husband, you don't want to break up a family unit."