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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
Confessiontimes · 21/08/2023 15:45

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 15:36

@Confessiontimes People are often led by their sexual desires, leading to them make what is seen as a selfish decision.

If people can't control themselves sexually then they shouldn't be signing up for monogamy.

I believe it is fair to expect monogamy.
After talking and discussing and listening. If your partner tells you he/she is not interested in monogamy then you have no right to expect it. If you have not talked about it, you have no right to expect it. If you have not made any explicit agreement, you have no right to expect it.

So in that situation you would let that person go, to be with someone more suitable for them.

Honesty is the issue here being true to yourself and your partner, not this woolly thing called 'societal expectation'.

But it is a societal expectation because we associate marriage with fidelity. If society didn’t push towards monogamy then having sex with someone other than your wife and husband wouldn’t be seen as selfish or immoral.
With regards to sexual desire, do you think if a man or woman that had been in a sexless marriage for years and was unexpectedly given an opportunity to have sex again, they’d be selfish if they enacted on those sexual impulses?

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 15:53

applesandmares · 21/08/2023 15:34

@Thereasonidid interesting! I was thinking about why this issue is so offensive to me seeing as I've never been victim of it and am not married (yet), and I think it's because I have such respect for marriage after watching my parents have such a wonderful marriage. I wondered if it was different for you. Do you think your own marriage has clouded your view of it?

I can understand the question.

My marriage came to a natural end. I don't believe it had an impact.

I didn't set out to be OW. I set out to find decent NSA sex post divorce. The hook up site I joined was filled with married men and dodgy single men. The two non hook up sites I joined, all the single men talked about was relationships and dating. Didn't want that. I had many conversations, clicked with a few men online, met up with a couple. Ended up with a MM, as he was the best match in many ways for what I was looking for.

roses321 · 21/08/2023 16:09

Perhaps I can help answer this because I "had an affair" with a married man with children when I was a lot younger than I am now.

Firstly it's one of my biggest regrets and I would never EVER do it again. I'm disgusted by it to be honest now that I look back.

Secondly, I did it because of a few things.

He gave me attention when I was having problems in my life, he approached me not me approaching him. I wasn't interested at first but he kept showing up and "helping me" at work and was extremely supportive so I started to become attracted to what I felt I wasn't getting elsewhere I suppose.

I was selfish and only thinking about myself and I could tell myself that it was his choice to cheat and I was nothing to do with it.

I had no idea what was going on with me emotionally, these days there are a lot of resources out there about trauma and healing but back then there weren't and I was clueless about my own state of mind and just doing things to "fill a void" which were selfish, wrong and asshole-ish.

It's the same reason anyone cheats, they do it because of themselves and what is going on with them and the fact they don't have enough emotional insight or moral standing to NOT do that, and at the time neither did I.

There was also the fact I lived with a perpetual fantasy mindset about romance and true love and any attention from a man must mean those things are real. I do not have that mindset nowadays.

I'd also add that whilst there is no excuse, men can be very manipulative and they will tell you that their wife is a horrible awful person and go for the victim mentality. No excuse though but at the time I believed it.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 16:19

DrSbaitso · 21/08/2023 08:38

So the OW must hate herself, but the MM can't. Affairs are debasing only to women.

It was ever thus. Or rather, there will always be people who want it to be ever thus.

Show quote history

Where did I say that? Can you actually read?

Read my posts and you will see that is so far from what I believe, which is that some women who have affairs with MM are colluding with the patriarchal oppression of women - including themselves.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 16:28

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:25

No @ChefMike . You believe it's a competition. It's really not.

If you think a dildo is as good as sex with a man, then it explains an awful lot of your opinions.

Again, you're presuming about my only having sex with the MM. I may or may not have had other partners when I was seeing the MM. MM and I discussed it. He told me he was only sleeping with me and his wife. I told MM that if I did have sex with someone else, then I wouldn't tell him as it was none of his business, like it's none of yours, but that I wouldn't have sex with MM again until I'd passed an STI check. Safety first.

Well @Thereasonidid you keep referring to decent sex, not great or fantastic or mind blowing, which many people do have with a dildo so I am actually wondering if this MM was worth it.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 16:37

@Confessiontimes "But it is a societal expectation because we associate marriage with fidelity

Do we?"

Who is "we"?

I have known of swingers who got married.

Porn stars get married.

Prostitutes (male and female) get married.

Some cultures allow a man have several wives.

I think it would be more fair to say that "some people associate marriage with fidelity"

Confessiontimes · 21/08/2023 16:41

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 16:37

@Confessiontimes "But it is a societal expectation because we associate marriage with fidelity

Do we?"

Who is "we"?

I have known of swingers who got married.

Porn stars get married.

Prostitutes (male and female) get married.

Some cultures allow a man have several wives.

I think it would be more fair to say that "some people associate marriage with fidelity"

But open relationships are not the same as infidelity, where the two are mutually monogamous, they’re two separate things.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 16:43

Confessiontimes · 21/08/2023 16:41

But open relationships are not the same as infidelity, where the two are mutually monogamous, they’re two separate things.

Show quote history

Sorry, but I don't get your drift.

DrSbaitso · 21/08/2023 16:44

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 16:19

Where did I say that? Can you actually read?

Read my posts and you will see that is so far from what I believe, which is that some women who have affairs with MM are colluding with the patriarchal oppression of women - including themselves.

Show quote history

Can you read? Can you read your own words?

You think men have the "upper hand" and any woman who thinks she's in control or doing any using is deluded; you call it "the saddest thing" and laugh at the very idea.

You don't think that equates to a statement that affairs inherently debase women but not men?

MaxTalk · 21/08/2023 16:49

Stability and fun rarely exist. The same person can get boring but you want the comfort.

Confessiontimes · 21/08/2023 16:53

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 16:43

Sorry, but I don't get your drift.

Show quote history

In an open relationship monogamy is not practiced, in non open relationships monogamy is expected. Just because the relationship isn’t open, it doesn’t mean that those two partners aren’t going to be monogamous to each other for the rest of their lives. It’s very doubtful people openly marry with the intention of having affairs, they happen for a variety of reasons.
I still do believe that most humans aren’t wired to be monogamous and only follow the values, norms of monogamy because that’s how we are socially conditioned. We are sexual beings much the same as animals and it’s clear infidelity plays a role in modern relationships which also leads me to think that giving yourself sexually to one person for the rest of your life isn’t sustainable.
I’m also not expecting you to agree with my views.

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 16:58

MaxTalk · 21/08/2023 16:49

Stability and fun rarely exist. The same person can get boring but you want the comfort.

Quite!

One of my married friends has been with her husband since they were 16, so almost 35 years together.

She will quite openly say that although she loves him she is really bored sexually as after 35 years of doing the same thing with the same person, it’s hardly exciting anymore.

I can understand that.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 17:36

Confessiontimes · 21/08/2023 16:53

In an open relationship monogamy is not practiced, in non open relationships monogamy is expected. Just because the relationship isn’t open, it doesn’t mean that those two partners aren’t going to be monogamous to each other for the rest of their lives. It’s very doubtful people openly marry with the intention of having affairs, they happen for a variety of reasons.
I still do believe that most humans aren’t wired to be monogamous and only follow the values, norms of monogamy because that’s how we are socially conditioned. We are sexual beings much the same as animals and it’s clear infidelity plays a role in modern relationships which also leads me to think that giving yourself sexually to one person for the rest of your life isn’t sustainable.
I’m also not expecting you to agree with my views.

Show quote history

OK fine, I don't agree.

I hope you can find yourself someone who thinks the same way as you do.

"We are sexual beings much the same as animals "

Well, we have a randy 'ole Muscovy drake down on the river who mates with any ducks he can in the spring. He jumps on their backs, (nearly drowning them) holds the scruff of their neck in his beak and basically rapes them.

Like animals huh?!

Walkaround · 21/08/2023 18:31

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 17:36

OK fine, I don't agree.

I hope you can find yourself someone who thinks the same way as you do.

"We are sexual beings much the same as animals "

Well, we have a randy 'ole Muscovy drake down on the river who mates with any ducks he can in the spring. He jumps on their backs, (nearly drowning them) holds the scruff of their neck in his beak and basically rapes them.

Like animals huh?!

Show quote history

It is true there is exceptionally little that is natural about modern life. One theory is that a tendency towards monogamy, or at the very least, serial monogamy, is what enabled human primates to develop bigger brains. So you could argue that those incapable of monogamy at the time their offspring most need their input are…. a bit thick.

DrSbaitso · 21/08/2023 18:35

Walkaround · 21/08/2023 18:31

It is true there is exceptionally little that is natural about modern life. One theory is that a tendency towards monogamy, or at the very least, serial monogamy, is what enabled human primates to develop bigger brains. So you could argue that those incapable of monogamy at the time their offspring most need their input are…. a bit thick.

Show quote history

That made me laugh!

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 18:36

lovemycbf · 19/08/2023 23:00

Women do it because they can,and knowing they have children just makes it even worse especially if the children are teenagers and know full well what's going on .
And before anyone comments yes the men are to blame too but it just seems so much worse that a woman can willingly do this to another woman

This is assuming the woman knows. OP has assumed too that the woman is aware. I don't think it's as simple as that. As others are saying who ever has the kids/marriage they need to be questioned firstly why they are stepping out of their marriage vows and jumping into bed with someone else

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 18:58

watyawant · 20/08/2023 16:47

I think if you're on the receiving end of this kind of treatment it might help to think of it this way: she does not think about you, or your children. She doesn't care. When they're together they don't talk about you, he acts single and she accepts it.

It's not about you or the children. It's about him and her, both being selfish. Both being subpar humans.

If a man is going to cheat, he will. You can have five kids or none, it does not matter to someone who thinks it's acceptable to cheat.

This is what it comes down to. No amount of slagging the woman off as a bunny boiler or sugar daddy man is going to change society's set up. In fact attitudes like that enable this further. Some women are hell bent on accepting that whilst the woman plays her part.... the man likely pursued the whole thing from the off and WILLINGLY whipped his Dick out. I can't get on board with this whole bunny boiler woman forcing the man to have sex against his own will please. Men are pursuers in general!

Jackienory · 21/08/2023 19:11

Men are pursuers in general! - Internalised misandry.

MysteryBelle · 21/08/2023 19:17

Both cheaters are lacking in personal integrity. Nothing to do with gender. The one who is married with children has an even higher duty to be faithful to the spouse and potential family for which vows were taken. But both have a a duty to do what’s right.

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 19:35

XiCi · 20/08/2023 08:19

I'm married and wouldn't have an affair because I know the devastation it would wreak on my husband and my child. That is my choice, my responsibility. If a married man has an affair the blame lies with him.

If I was single and a married man was pursuing a relationship with me I don't think I would consider the wife as I would know that their relationship was absolutely dead in the water anyway for him to be pursuing someone else in the first place.

This is an interesting take. I don't think men and women have affairs for the same reasons. I wouldn't assume the man's relationship is dead in the waters... the man obviously loves his wife but he wants to have sex with someone new/exciting.

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 19:38

Jackienory · 21/08/2023 19:11

Men are pursuers in general! - Internalised misandry.

I personally have never asked a man out on a date or for a drink. I know some people do it however it is the man that is the pursuer. When you start dating its us women who are waiting to get "picked" most of the time. If you deem that as usual or sexist in your world.... well that's your perogative in life!

Jackienory · 21/08/2023 19:56

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 19:38

I personally have never asked a man out on a date or for a drink. I know some people do it however it is the man that is the pursuer. When you start dating its us women who are waiting to get "picked" most of the time. If you deem that as usual or sexist in your world.... well that's your perogative in life!

Show quote history

When it comes to having an affair women are not the helpless victim with limited ability to think and act for themselves, and are almost always aware he has young children. That somehow you are excusing women from this is your worldview. But in reality, they know exactly what they doing.

ChefMike · 21/08/2023 20:05

Nobody is immune to being involved in cheating behaviour. Any of us could have an affair.

What I find worst of all, is the unrepentant and quite smug attitude that some affair partners have. Your not immune from being betrayed either, it just makes no sense.

Why is it so hard to admit that's it's poor behaviour? How I'm the bloody hell are we at 650 posts on the topic

Next up: hurling insults at strangers is fine because I don't owe them anything and it's not illegal

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 20:09

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/08/2023 10:14

My partner left me , when we had a three month old , for an American woman he had met online! She came to the uk , they married and had another child , he has had no contact for 18 years with the child we had . I hate the both of them , but her especially.

Sorry there's a few stories similar on the thread. If a man ups and leaves his newborn child like this you didn't really know your partner as well as you thought and it was only a matter of time. He obviously is an A hole! I don't know how you can be angry with the online woman. You have no clue what story he sold her she likely didn't even know about you. She might never know he even has a child to you!

Redpepperss · 21/08/2023 20:16

@Jackienory look you seem to be struggling my view point. I'm just sharing my experience with the forum. I never said it excused anyone however like I said I can't get on board with slating down the OW either and this is where our opinions differ. The person who is married has a moral obligation to you the most.