Why do women have affairs with men with young children

[Thegreenpotter]

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

I suppose one thing that I have got from this thread is to encourage women - especially young ones - not to collude with men in the oppressive abuse of another woman. An affair may be described as fun, just a bit of sex etc but somewhere there is a woman who is either being played for a fool or is being taunted with the fact that she is just not enough for her husband. I would hope that most women wouldn’t want to support a man who did that.

Of course I know all women aren’t like me.

But I’m not the woman now that I was back then.

You can look down on me and sneer at me all you like for something I did 20 years ago when I was 23 years old but it doesn’t change anything

I was young, selfish, I wanted to enjoy myself and no, I had absolutely no understanding of the responsibilities that comes with being married and therefore I showed no regard for theirs.

Would most women my age now have an affair with a married man? Of course they wouldn’t. Would a lot of 23 year olds enter an affair with a married man if it made her feel good? Most likely.

At the time I saw no problem with it, but now as a married woman with children I can understand why what I did was wrong.

All I wanted when I was at that age was a good time, someone to have fun with, someone to have good sex but also still having my my freedom and not feeling tied to someone else or weighed down with any sense of commitment. He just happened to fit the description of what I wanted pretty well and I felt no responsibility or duty towards his wife.

You can berate me all you like for something stupid I did 20 years ago but it still doesn’t change how I felt at the time.

@WantingToEducate

I'm not berating you, and I do understand that age definitely comes into play with how women are duped, hoodwinked or even feel peer pressure by their friends to live it up and abandon their morals for a story to tell.

You have learnt that as you have become older you realise you woudn't like it happening to you, if your h had an affair with a 23 year old would you understand her niavity ? I doubt it because when it does happen it's one of the most devastating things that can happen.

*Would most women my age now have an affair with a married man? Of course
they wouldn’t. Would a lot of 23 year olds enter an affair with a
married man if it made her feel good? Most likely. *

A word of warning about that paragraph, yes there are many women your age that enter into affairs, it's probably one of the most pronounced age groups for having affairs, men who enter mid life crises need willing partners and believe me women in their 40's are the age group that chuck everything in for a new promised love.

A very predictable pattern emerges when women enter the menopause, arround 50, the men seem to go awire and aquire a younger model for fun.
This usually doesn't work out but the affairs do their damage and rip families and marriages apart.
So the men continue to try to find a suitable replacement because the wife don't love him anymore and there's no chance of sex even if they do stay together. They still aim for the same age group but eventually have to submit to upping the age range.

This carries on till their about 65 if they're energentic enough and then they slow down, get prostate problems and all the other health problems as they age and are basically unloved, uncared for and utterly bewildered by the time they hit their death bed as to why nobody gives a shit.

Tale as old as time.

Ops question was specifically about women who have affairs with married men with small children. Most people have answered that question, me included. But, that does not mean that the married man isn’t to blame. He is, obviously. He is doing something he specifically promised not to, to someone he is supposed to love. It’s abusive and often totally devastating to the wives and children involved. You can’t move on here without yet another thread from a traumatised woman who has discovered her “d”h whom she never, ever thought capable, is shagging someone else. Of course, if he was going to do it, he was going to do it, and it could literally have been with anyone and I think it would be….naive in this scenario to blame “an evil temptress ow” . The married man has taken the vows and has agency to chose how he behaves. If he decides to shag someone else, betray and lie to his wife, that’s on him. That is his selfishness, need for validation, cake eating shitty morals.
And no, of course it is not the job of women to police men and ensure they stay faithful, that is up to the men involved. But, I haven’t rejected the advances of married men out of some form of “sisterhood” I’ve done it because personally, I can not find men who are deceitful, dishonest liars, attractive.
All that said, I find the “I never made any promises to anyone” line trotted out by lots of ow, to be an extremely flawed argument. I never promised not to take a shit on your living room carpet, but if I did, I think you’d be, quite understandably, pissed off?
Personally, I could not partake in an affair with a married man, knowing it would cause massive pain and distress to his wife, whether I knew her, or not. That is simply not how my own moral compass works and my behaviour is dictated by that. That doesn’t make me any better or worse than anyone else, it’s just what I chose to do. As shown on here, others, men and women, married or single, chose to do it differently. So be it. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own actions.

It's the wife that must be insecure. Why MUST the OW have a terrible character and be terribly insecure and not the husband here? This is what I can't get my head around that the FAULT seems to stop with the OW on this thread. How delusional can one be it's likely the husband character is severely lacking more than anyone's here. It's funny how it's easier to focus on OW. It sure as hell is a man's world for sure.

Not sure what you all think about this.

A family member's husband left her and their five year old son. He'd been seeing another woman for about four months. He mixed in seeing her with his weekly boys night out. He met her on such a night when she was out with her friend. She'd left her abusive husband and he was at the end of his tether with his wife. Apparently they'd had a child to appease her, she was obsessed with the little boy and there was lots going on in the marriage that wasn't good. I was just a kid at the time but I know about it all.

They got married as soon as the divorce came through and are still together and happy 37 years later. They've been together longer than their original marriages.

The (ex)wife still says now that the ow is a slapper and a whore and she'd never have her husband back as she'd never trust him. She tried to get him to go to counselling but he said there was no point. She asked why he didn't tell her he was unhappy instead of jogging off with someone else.

She's had another marriage since though he died. She's calling the other woman all the names still, is so bitter, but hooks up with married men on apps and doesn't give a stuff.

@Drsbaitso I shouldn’t have included your quote when I sent that post. My comment was meant as a personal opinion. I was riffing on your ideas but I really don’t see this as an argument just an exchange of ideas so with due respect I won’t respond to this (haven’t even read it to be fair), as that isn’t the point for me. For me this is neither a question of standing up for the ow nor bashing her.

It's the wife that must be insecure. Why MUST the OW have a terrible character and be terribly insecure and not the husband here?

Because she is partaking in abuse? Do you not comprehend that?

Please tel me these posts come from 1-2 posters who haven't worked out how to name change properly because are you actually alright?

IT IS TERRIBLE to knowingly engage in this.

It sure as hell is a man's world for sure.
The OW is happy to enable the abuse of another woman to have this MAN. the OW is happy to see another WOMAN downtrodden and betrayed, inflicted with trauma and financial worry for her children. Isolated and alone if she has few family/friends.

All for the attention of a MAN. That's what the OW wants.

Isn't there enough blame in an affair scenario to be distributed between the husband and the OW (if she knows the guy is in a relationship and had children)?

Husband gets full blame, but OW isn't blameless either (at least in my opinion).

Don't do to others what you don't want done to you

Anyone want another woman to shag their partner/husband (not talking about open relationships)?
No?!
Here we go.

I think this discussion is getting a bit pointless now.

I feel.like often OWs and OMs wash their hands off any guilt by saying that they aren't the ones who made the vows..

Yeah, I guess so... Still shitty behaviour

the misogynistic double standards and stereotyping, and answered the question, loaded and leading and sexist as it is.

Let's campaign for respect for OW. Champions of women's rights, they are.

Listen to yourself. People have the right to think people I'm cheating scenarios are dicks. And it's none of your business how somebody else feels about their own life, although they should leave someone who is emotionally abusing them.

Men who cheat are horrid. I can feel the anger when I hear about this happening to other women. But nobody disputes that the man is wrong. Nobody says he has no blame!!!!!!

If you are heavily invested in a long term relationship that is suddenly revealed to be not what you thought it was, attaching the third party, is a way to be angry whilst also not having to face up to what has happened inside your union, including making choices and taking action that you might prefer not to be confronted with at that point (an understandable reaction). It is emotionally easier to think a bad woman took something away from you, than accept your life partner has rejected you, and that you are not in the relationship you thought you were in.

Isn't there enough blame in an affair scenario to be distributed between the husband and the OW

No. It's his responsibility. He made a promise, he had kids. Yes, it's an awful thing to do. No, there's not "so much blame" that it must spill over to the woman who isn't committed and yet somehow always gets the worst of it.

If a random stranger is equally responsible as your husband, what's the point of the commitment?

*attacking

If a random stranger assists in hiding a body they're still culpable though to a lesser extent. Not difficult to understand.

I never said that the OW/OM is equally as responsible as the husband.

My husband had an affair with a friend whom I know too.

Do I blame my STBXH ? Yes, totally.

Do I still think she's a shit for sleeping with him knowing he had a wife and children?

Yes, absolutely.

Is it the word "blame" that you struggle with?

Ok, I blame.my husband, but I still think she's an asshole for knowingly having an affair with a married man and father.

He broke the vows, but that doesn't absolve her behaviour...

Can't we just be angry at two people in that scenario whilst firmly blaming the spouse?

I'm pretty good at that😅

This is it, isn't it? The crux of it.

And I suppose that if you've swallowed society's line that women don't have any sexual desires that aren't completely virtuous, it makes it truly puzzling as to what the OW got out of it.

And it makes it much more palatable if you do decide to stay. He didn't shit on you, he was a puppet with the deviant OW pulling the strings. Since we don't understand her motives, we can displace all his shittiness on to her. And then you can stay and reconcile your anger and feelings of rejection because you're projecting them all on to her. As you say, he didn't crap on his wife. It's just that the OW stole a good thing.

I'd say, for the men it's the lack of attention at home (from wife being busy with baby). The men seek attention and show attention to other women who reciprocate. The man is happy that someone is interested in him and puts his attention in to this new woman as the wife "obviously doesn't care about him anymore".
For the woman who are usually single with no dependents, are happy they are getting attention and someone that seems like they are ready to settle down with them... Where as single men aren't interested...they like the play the field and not ready for commitment.

So this is what I imagine happens!

The name change thread rules changed a while back. Do keep up. Of this is aimed at me there's no way I could be commenting as 2 people under different names on the same thread.

Look the OW obviously couldn't give a dam about the wife, life happens and I know this seems harsh but you really should expect these things from your husband!

Another false equivalence. Murder isn't comparable to a personal vow of sexual fidelity. You don't have to promise not to collude in murder, that one binds you automatically. Choosing your adult, consenting sexual partners and whether you wish to be committed is not up to society. Like I said earlier, this isn't comparable to murder, child abuse and so on.

Man starts a new job and signs a contract saying he won't give his building entry pass to anyone.

If he goes and gives it to someone, who should the boss hold responsible?

And no, perhaps it wasn't honourable of the person who took it, but what's the boss going to do? She doesn't work there and there's no law that she can't have the pass. Just the employment contract where the man agreed not to pass it on.

It sounds cold, but at the end of the day, infidelity is about breach of contract. That's not limited to the legal marriage contract; it can include the personal promise made between two people. But either way, it's about breaking the contract/promise.

People who don't make contracts aren't bound by them. And no, you can't equate it to actual crimes which bind us all and aren't a matter for opting in or out. Unless you do think affairs should be legal crimes.

This!!!

I really think this poster is being deliberately obtuse and twisting our posts to make us look as though we are more supportive of the male. For me this is horrible because I was cheated on and didn’t know any of the women and have never really thought about them because as far as I was concerned the person who desecrated the marriage was exh.

However I find op’s question fascinating and it has been interesting to explore things from this angle. My exh inflicted a lot of pain and damage and the question makes me wonder how ow would feel if they knew that they had (perhaps unwittingly but in some cases knowingly) played an active role in his cruelty. I don’t quite get why this poster can’t understand this nuance.

My husband was a serial cheat and I had no idea until I stumbled upon the fact.

But nobody disputes that the man is wrong. Nobody says he has no blame!!!!!!

It is exactly what you're saying when you endlessly vilify the OW with nary a mention of him, and when the questions and outrage are overwhelmingly in one direction. The whole "oh, we only save our vitriol for OW because it's so obvious we hold the same level of anger for the men who shat on our families" schtick doesn't fool anyone.

Anyway, what are you going to do with this OW blame? Take her to marriage counselling? Ask her to work with you in ensuring your husband keeps it in his pants? She's not part of your marriage. You and he are, that's it.

It's on him. You knew there were other women out there and that's literally the only reason the commitment was made.

@DrSbaitso good post this is how I view things too. You can't compare sexual infidelity to murder.

Yes! This is exactly it! I've said all along in my scenario that they both knew what they were doing, she wasn't lied to, she just didn't give a fuck. People who don't give a fuck and intentionally screw other people over deserve some blame. I keep getting other people (mainly women) telling me that I'm wrong for how I felt about her and that my hate was misplaced towards her. I've never said I don't blame him. It takes 2 to tango and shitty decisions tend to have shitty consequences. It's crazy that in a lot of ways, women will look out for each other and have each other's backs, but in this there's this weird opinion that the OW is never at fault and absolved of all responsibility for her shitty behaviour that she knew damn well was wrong and would cause devastating hurt and upheaval for a family