Why do women have affairs with men with young children

[Thegreenpotter]

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

This is what I find happens with these discussions, people put their views and thoughts forwards and then a poster will shut down their thoughts.
If there is no ‘reason’ then why does infidelity continue in modern relationships?

*Poster seemed genuine to me, although of course I can't know for sure.
But if they weren't, I don't think it's an impossible scenario. Plenty
of women go off sex but don't want to split up. *

I think you are being niave if you think women just go off sex for no reason.

There is always a reason.

So you beileve a betrayed partner's benefits are always financial basically, do you think they benefit emotionally in any way ?

Or do you think it hurts.

I literally said in that post "not judging, there are reasons".

But you asked when a wife might benefit from a husband's affair. That's one possibility and I don't think it's never happened.

Like I said, people who ask these questions don't actually want the answers.

What they mean is, there is no reason that will satisfy them. Obviously. Of course there isn't.

But these are the reasons. I can get that people don't like them, I'm not mad keen myself. But there was a question and those are the answers.

@Confessiontimes "If the majority of men/women said, I’ll marry you but I can’t guarantee I will be monogamous, then the likelihood of marriage would be low and so would securing family units."

So why would that be a problem?

If people were more honest then it would ensure people were aligned to start with.

The world is overpopulated so having fewer 'family units' wouldn't be an issue.

How many of the ow would be upset if they found out they were not the only ow.

Would that hurt, or would you be just as pragmatic about sexual needs as you are towards your sexual needs trumping any truthful disclosure.

In other words would you be happy if you were in an unknown harem of women having sex with the same man.

And if you were not happy would it be the lying aspect or the worry about your sexual health, maybe it would be an emotional hurt for those of you who are not in it just for the sex.

@RandomForest "How many of the ow would be upset if they found out they were not the only ow."

I put a similar scenario to another exOW upthread. I said that if he was lying to his wife then he was probably lying to her.
She refused to accept it, demanded to know why I said this, etc etc.

She already said that she was "OK with him being a liar". What she should have said was that she was OK with him lying to his wife, but couldn't entertain the idea that he was lying to her.

Because people want the marriage and family units, I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking about the future and how their feeling may or may not change.

'The women' aren't being blamed.

The married man and other woman are blamed, for the pain they cause to the wife (also a woman).

Why do people on this site think women should never be criticised? A woman can quite literally kill her child and people will make excuses so I shouldn't even be surprised

So people want marriage and family units. OK.
However, marriage is a monogamous arrangement, but not a jail sentence.
If people change their minds about monogamy, fine, but be honest and leave.
There is no excuse for cheating>

Quite, it's about power, they don't like being left out of the loop, they are the ones who have the facts and the betrayed are just the idiots in the background.

It's a bullying culture, to allienate someone and when they suspect or ask for answers they are met with gaslighting and darvo, it really isn't a harmless passtime.

It's a very cruel scenario that relies on basic human sadism, most of them plead ignorance, yet are the types that would instantly recognise any harm being directed towards them.

Unfaithful people and knowingly other affair partners are not safe people and it's human nature to know who they are and for people to keep their distance.

If people have the capability of harming or damaging others most sane people will steer clear.

@Bluebellsandharebells

It's also rediculous to think that an affair's mm would remain faithful to her.

The very things you find appealing, the same talk, the flirting, the admiration you have for his body, he's using that on someone else.

It never stops at just the one fling, they run simultaneously, they laugh behind your back because you believe you are in on the joke.

This is what players are.
I wish sometimes ow would open their eyes.

Try re-reading the posts again @Bluebellsandharebells

I accepted he was a liar and asked what you thought he was lying to me about, which is only fair. You refused to give an answer.

I'm still ok with him being a liar. I said what I meant to say. Please don't put words in my mouth.

How many of the ow would be upset if they found out they were not the only ow.

I'd have been fine with it @RandomForest

It's how the world of casual sex is.

You're ok with your ex being a liar.

What aren't you ok with? What boundaries of morality do you have?

@Thereasonidid How do you know 'you'd have been OK with it' when it didn't happen or it did and he lied about it?

(It's called a lie of omission BTW)

Do you have a crystal ball?

Exactly this @DrSbaitso You wonder why @RandomForest asks the question if they don't like the answer you've offered.

If my MM was to be believed, the benefits to his wife is that he was happier in himself at home, as he was getting the level of sex he wanted.

He said they'd tried to resolve their mismatched sex life for over 10 years and had not been able to find a conclusion either was happy with.

You read countless threads here on MN about mismatched sex lives and women, and sometimes men, being rightly told not feel forced into sex because their partner wants more than they do. So what's the answer? As it's not fair for one partner to decide the other doesn't have sex for years. That's the part that gets rarely gets discussed on MN. What is the partner who wants to continue their sex life supposed to do? For some, it's divorce. For some, it's an open marriage. For some, it's an affair.

Some partners turn a blind eye to the affair which they know is going on, as they are happy with their home set up and don't want to break the family unit. And they don't want sex, so are at no risk themselves. You just don't see many of those sorts of posts on MN, as people in those situations have made their decisions and don't want the hoards crying LTB.

You seem to have a deep insight into the the ins and outs of affairs.

That isn’t a criticism, just an observation.

Has a partner of yours once had an OW?
Or are you a researcher / author in this kind of field?

Or are you just giving opinions on something that actually you’ve never experienced for yourself?

You just seem very angry and unwilling to accept what the women on here are saying (who’ve actually been the OW) or you completely dismiss what they are saying. You seem absolutely desperate to tell these women how wrong they are and you seem to believe you know more about their situations, and more about what it means to be an OW, than they do.

Again this is just an observation and usually this kind of attacking nature in the responses that you (and others) give usually comes from somewhere.

I know I'd have been fine about it because I know me. I don't need a crystal ball to know how I respond.

I didn't own him. He made his own decisions. He sleeps with who he chooses, as do I. He may well have been shagging his way around the lionesses for all I know. I had what I wanted on my terms.

I appreciate you may find this hard to understand, as it's different to your thinking. But it's how it is.

@C1N1C I read that thread too. Still scratching my head about it, if it had been a man I doubt he’d have got the same advice or reception.
Re this thread, I just think there’s compartmentalisation on both sides. I don’t think OW are to blame for the affair but I do think once they know that the man they are with is married/ has a partner with or without children of any age, (kids don’t have to be little to be devastated, often teens or even adult children are traumatised) then they are making a conscious decision to do something selfish that they know will deeply harm others. Speaking personally I would never want to do that, or help anyone to do that, even to strangers. Too easy to say ‘his wife/ family are his business’. Once you choose to step into the triangle and actively know you have, it becomes your business, his business and his family’s business too.

@Thereasonidid did you miss this?

I did, sorry.

Yes, my parents were married. A long and happy one until my dad died.

Good question about the aftermath. I'm not on social media. My work would do nothing about it if she contacted them. I won't speak for how my children would have reacted, but guess neither would let it rule their lives for long.

I’m not excusing it, people are asking ‘reasons’ for cheating, I’ve given some reasons and explained the whole monogamy thing. People are often led by their sexual desires, leading to them make what is seen as a selfish decision. If monogamy wasn’t a societal expectation, it would never be seen as immoral or selfish.

@Thereasonidid interesting! I was thinking about why this issue is so offensive to me seeing as I've never been victim of it and am not married (yet), and I think it's because I have such respect for marriage after watching my parents have such a wonderful marriage. I wondered if it was different for you. Do you think your own marriage has clouded your view of it?

@Confessiontimes People are often led by their sexual desires, leading to them make what is seen as a selfish decision.

If people can't control themselves sexually then they shouldn't be signing up for monogamy.

I believe it is fair to expect monogamy.
After talking and discussing and listening. If your partner tells you he/she is not interested in monogamy then you have no right to expect it. If you have not talked about it, you have no right to expect it. If you have not made any explicit agreement, you have no right to expect it.

So in that situation you would let that person go, to be with someone more suitable for them.

Honesty is the issue here being true to yourself and your partner, not this woolly thing called 'societal expectation'.