Why do women have affairs with men with young children

[Thegreenpotter]

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

Very few people are comfortable with deceit and use denial,obfuscation and cognitive dissonance to explain and blur their behaviours
The notion of the OW strumpet who wantonly pursue the MM to steal and ensnare it’s a cautionary lazy stereotype. I know this will probably be challenged by x,y and z examples
We all have propensity for selfish and driven characteristics in personal life and this for some folk manifests as affairs. Others may not have affairs as it crosses a line. There is a choice. People chose affairs, it doesn’t surreptitiously creep up. A choice is made. Usually with negative outcomes for more than the initial two

But no one is being conditioned by society, we all make an agreement on the terms of our relationship with the other person, whether open or exclusive, it can be whatever 2 people decide. If one person then chooses to break this agreement & lie it's on them not society, it's on their lack of integrity & not wanting to face difficult conversations as an adult

Why do people always say we're not meant to be monogamous instead of facing their own last of integrity & ability to take responsibility for their actions

IME employers can be surprisingly intolerant if an affair comes to 'official' notice. Both occasions of directors having affairs with junior colleagues have ended with the director losing their job. Which surprised me at the time.

Affairs can get messy. The super cool mistress may be rather shocked if the wronged wife arrives at her desk/door with MM's clothes in a bin bag. One of the directors above had to be hurried out of the door when the husband of the OW was heading to his office swearing bloody murder.

Confessions: I have a feeling you're referring to non-monogamy rather than cheating when you talk about a single partner being unhealthy.

It since we're on this topic, it you shack up with another person's mate, you'd most likely be ostracised if not killed by your rival. I don't think cheating is especially natural.

If you want to practice non-monogamy, you do it ethically.

Monogamy in the animal
kingdom doesn’t exist, apart from a small minority.
Marriage is a way to enforce monogamy but it doesn’t seal our desire to remain monogamous, that is social influences (infidelity is wrong etc).

So monogamy in the animal kingdom does exist then. Medical care doesn't exist in the animal kingdom, nor do clothes or iPhones.

It exists for humans and the majority of people globally choose to practice it. If anyone doesn't want to, that's okay. You do that in a way that isn't awful for another person.

I do not understand the faux naivety. Everyone knows why. Men lie.

My wife doesn’t understand me, I’m leaving her, we live separate lives, we are together just for the kids is commonly known.

No woman shags some married man who says I love my wife and we have a great relationship. None.

if anyone needs to rely on other women saying no, to keep their husbands faithful, then the marriage is already over, because the sort of man who cheats, has no issue lying to both women.

If ever the OWs would be in the position or could put themselves in the position of the betrayed spouse, they wouldn't do, what they did.

Some OWs were betrayed wives. This is what they did afterwards.

Off course we have been conditioned, marriage pretty much seals the deal to monogamy, yes we sign up to those
conditions but realistically I don’t think it’s natural to only want sexual experiences with the one person for the rest of your life which is why ENM (ethical non-monogamy) has become recognised as a differentiation to the norm but it’s evident on various threads and in the real world that infidelity happens in a lot of marriages and relationships which leads me to believe it’s a social misconstruct.

But no one is being conditioned by society

Everyone is conditioned by society, one way or another.

A small minority, again it’s social misconstruct, norms, values, and expectations of our society that have an effect on how we think about love and the nature of our relationships. I’m not excusing it, I’m explaining reasons for why infidelity plays a role in many relationships.

OK,
So if someone doesn't want monogamy then don't sign up for it !

In todays society there are more types of non-monogamous relationships then ever before ; 'open' relationships, 'open' marriages, threesomes, polyamory, gay, lesbian, bi, BDSM non monogamy, DADT (don't ask, don't tell), soft swap swinging, - so plenty to choose from!

No-one is forced into a monogamous relationship.

What is totally unfair is when someone signs up to monogamy and let's the other party believe they are fine with that, and then cheats. That robs the other party of a choice in the matter.

If someone decides that they no longer want to be in a monogamous relationship, then the mature and sensible course of action is to tell the other party, to give them agency in the relationship.

Sneaking around behind someone's back with A.N.Other doesn't resolve anything.

Having an affair to solve relationship problems is like firebombing your house because the kitchen tap's leaking.

I also wonder about the myths the OW tells herself about the husband.

"His kids are young so he can't leave them... yet."

"His wife trapped him with the kids"

"His wife is controlling and she will punish him if he leaves."

"He's so infatuated with me I must be special if he's choosing me over his usual faithfulness."

"It's true love."

"It's right man, wrong time."

There will be so many variations.

I think it's human nature to seek out known threats in life, we keep people at arms length if they do not conform to societal norms, I suppose we've advanced enough not to be dragged into caves and shagged senseless by some sex crazed male.

That's what an evolving, advanced society does, it evolves.

If certain spheres do not evolve beyond basic sexual needs then we become wary, we hunt out the base and weak and they become ostracized, it's a very real concept.

For those of you that only need the sexual aspect of having an affair with a married man and explain how it benefits them and their affair partner.

Could I ask if you can see any benefits for the betrayed partner ?
I know you don't think about their benefits but but can you actually think of any benefits ?

I've posted before how I was the OW to a guy I actually fell in love with and still love to this day (affair ended nearly 6 years ago and I haven't seen him since).

I made the initial approach, not realising he was married. He told me immediately and I backed off but he continued the chat and I reciprocated. His children were 16 and 18 at the time. He would happily talk about them. He spoke fondly of his wife. There was no, "We lead separate lives/we're only still together for the children/we don't have sex". Nothing whatsoever like that.

He would never have left her and I never would have asked him to. God knows how I thought things were ultimately going to turn out but turn out they did, in the only obvious way possible, with my heart getting spattered all over the county.

If the majority of men/women said, I’ll marry you but I can’t guarantee I will be monogamous, then the likelihood of marriage would be low and so would securing family units. It’s all gravitated towards social expectations. Society conditions us to what we should and shouldn’t accept, it doesn’t mean it’s right or normal.

The super cool mistress may be rather shocked if the wronged wife arrives at her desk/door with MM's clothes in a bin bag

The "super cool mistress" wouldn't be under any obligation to house her AP. In fact, if the cheating husband owns part of the house the wronged wife has no legal right to remove him for an affair.

Could I ask if you can see any benefits for the betrayed partner ?

Well I wasn't going to say this because I don't want to be offensive, but since you've asked...

Some women lose all interest in sex (plenty of MNers say they'd rather read a book). Not judging, there are reasons, but it happens. But they don't want to split up the family, lose the lifestyle etc.

In those situations, while I don't condone it, I can see why the man might reason "this way everyone gets what they want, I don't have to live like a monk and nobody gets hurt".

There was a woman on here a few years ago who clearly didn't give a shit about her husband, didn't have sex with him, but enjoyed the lifestyle (she hadn't worked or had sex with her husband since their son was born 15 years ago and had a cleaner, gardener and dog walker). Husband had tried to talk about it, she shut him down. Husband had affair. She didn't want to split up but she also didn't want to either work or get rid of some of the home help, and her husband wanted her to do one of those things so he didn't feel completely exploited. She didn't feel she should have to do anything because He Cheated. She didn't care about him, she just wanted her life to carry on as before.

I think she actually benefited from her husband's long term affair because she got everything she wanted. Given her priorities, I don't know why she didn't turn a blind eye. She didn't love him and she wasn't hurt, she was just worried about staying rich and idle.

@DrSbaitso

You actually believe this nonsense ?

Just another belief system put in place to absolve guilt.

Do you not believe disparity’s in men and women’s sex lives exists? There’s plenty of evidence on MN to confirm this.
Do you not understand that the lack of sex and intimacy could cause one person to seek that with another?

Poster seemed genuine to me, although of course I can't know for sure. But if they weren't, I don't think it's an impossible scenario. Plenty of women go off sex but don't want to split up.

The problem with these sorts of questions is that people don't actually want an answer. Every response is met with "but that's immoral!" And yes, usually it is, but that's not what you asked. People have asked why women have affairs, or how they might benefit from one and, well, these are the answers.

Why did you ask if you didn't want to know?

*I made the initial approach, not realising he was married. He told me
immediately and I backed off but he continued the chat and I
reciprocated. His children were 16 and 18 at the time. He would happily
talk about them. He spoke fondly of his wife. There was no, "We lead
separate lives/we're only still together for the children/we don't have
sex". Nothing whatsoever like that. *

See in a situation like that I would have automatically assumed the man was married having two teenage children.

From there on he would be an aquaintance, there would have been no initial approach of laying myself on a plate for him.

Both of you were predatory, going on percentages I would say you were more predatory than him, he saw an easy lay, both of you were in the wrong.

"Your heart getting spattered all over the county" what does that mean ?
Does that mean it became common knowledge ?

Why blame the women? Surely, the question is - why do men with young children have affairs?