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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 23:00

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 22:47

acquisition of consumer goods and engagement in human relationships are not comparable

Show quote history

A friendship resulting in peddling of drugs is an engagement in human relationships

The person dealing the drugs is obviously without blame

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 23:08

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 23:00

A friendship resulting in peddling of drugs is an engagement in human relationships

The person dealing the drugs is obviously without blame

Show quote history

Perseverance and commitment to throwing any poor example and hoping it stick 10/10
Actual linked comparables with relevance nil points

applesandmares · 20/08/2023 23:08

RandomForest · 20/08/2023 22:58

Who in their right mind would want to share a man ?

Well that's the irony isn't it. The type of OW that wants the MM to leave his partner was happy to share him when the affair started, but doesn't tend to be so happy with polyamory once she's 'won' him and he starts looking elsewhere again 🙃

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 23:08

You’ve stopped making sense @WellPlaced 😂.

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 23:10

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 23:08

You’ve stopped making sense @WellPlaced 😂.

You never did @Stoopidi 😂

applesandmares · 20/08/2023 23:11

@Zone2NorthLondon I think @WellPlaced's point is that just because you aren't the person who commits the act (stealing the goods/betraying your marriage vows) doesn't mean that you are blame free if you are complicit (buying the stolen goods/shagging the married man)

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 23:15

applesandmares · 20/08/2023 23:11

@Zone2NorthLondon I think @WellPlaced's point is that just because you aren't the person who commits the act (stealing the goods/betraying your marriage vows) doesn't mean that you are blame free if you are complicit (buying the stolen goods/shagging the married man)

You’re paraphrasing for someone else? Very gracious of you
OK I get what you’re saying and I actually agree in a OW and MM relationship both have degree of culpability

@WellPlaced is making enthusiastic but lamé comparisons

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 23:16

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 23:10

You never did @Stoopidi 😂

Show quote history

Touché - it’s pretty late after all!

Nepmarthiturn · 20/08/2023 23:48

I suppose she sees the same things that attracted his wife.

Errr.... no. Presumably at the time his wife found him attractive he had no proved himself to be a liar and a cheat and disloyal to his own wife and family, i.e. a scumbag.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:12

CCHHH · 20/08/2023 05:39

I did it when I was 22. He was in his 40s, older and semi successful. I just lapped up the attention from the older man who was obsessed with me. It didn't bother me that he had a wife as I had no kids or a real relationship at that point so the reality of the destruction I could have caused wasn't real to me, I couldn't understand it. We never actually had sex, but sexual stuff had happened at work. It was more of an emotional affair if anything. He ended up really badly burned though, he started talking about leaving his wife just at the time I got a real boyfriend and used to get picked up by my young good looking boyfriend. Affair man ended up leaving the job a couple of weeks later, apparently it was cruel of me to parade my new bf around when I knew how he felt about me. I now understand the implications of what I did, it was disgusting. But for me that was the explanation, I came from a one parent household and didn't have children, I just didn't understand or care about the devastation I'd caused. I was just consumed by self.

You didn’t cause any devastation. He did. A man in his forties pursuing a young woman in her early 20’s…. Good for you for getting out of it and getting a boyfriend of your own age. He got what he deserved. Hope his wife was okay.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:16

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 13:05

When I met the man to whom I would be the OW too he was very off-ish with me.

I was out with my mates, he was out with his, we were all very tipsy, we all got chatting and I fancied him immediately. He was very wary of me though, almost like he didn’t know to react to me and I kept asking why he was acting so nervous. At one point I said jokingly, still tipsy and laughing, “Oh my God, this is your Stag Do isn’t it?”

Thats when he told me that he was married and had been for almost 5 years.

I remember laughing about it but it had no bearing on me and therefore didn’t change anything.

Despite his admission, he still came back to my hotel room (without his mates) but absolutely nothing happened between us (as me and my friends were all sharing one huge room) and we didn’t even kiss or hug or anything - we just sat up and chatted and had a few drinks. We hadn’t had any kind of physical contact before he’d come back to my room either so technically he hadn’t cheated at all. During our conversations he said although he was attracted to me he’d never cheat on his wife.

He had to leave after a few hours to get back to his mates and as he was leaving I picked up my eyeliner and wrote my phone number on his hand. I remember saying to him (still drunk) “This is in case you ever change your mind!”

He then left and I went to bed.

Two days later he text me and it went from there.

The circumstances made me think about a line you see spouted out all the time: “Any man will cheat if given the opportunity.”

I really hope this isn’t true but I’m not 100% convinced.

But why did you behave this way
with a married man you had just met? Were you very young? Was it the drink? Did him being married not matter to you at all? Did you have any thought for his wife and kids?

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:39

CurlewKate · 20/08/2023 13:20

"My first question is, why do women always blame other women?"
Everyone always blames women. Especially men.

I don’t actually think this thread is about blaming women. It poses a really interesting question. What has come out of this for me is that affairs demonstrate how downtrodden women are - both the mistress and the wife and that an affair is one of the ways in which men exercise their power. There is a kind of divide and rule concept to all this, that affairs set women against each other each vying for the prize of the power conferred by the status of being a wife or girlfriend. It is depressing because most of the affairs described blow the concept of love out of the window. Many of the men - at least on this thread just seem bent on pursuing the next more attractive* (in their eyes ) object. Very few describe being in love (which can be a trap for women anyway).

And what exactly are women fighting each other for? If MN is anything to go by the prize is to work as the often unpaid skivvy and nanny (to him and the kids) of some bloke.

This thread makes me value a choice I took a while ago to remain single. If I met a man with whom I could experience total equality I would give up this freedom but I haven’t so plan to remain happily single for the rest of my life.

  • attractive means that which promises an easier, more carefree life without responsibility or one with a younger woman whose age disparity means the man rules the roost.
DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:45

Thereasonidid · 20/08/2023 13:45

Then we shall agree to disagree @BlastedPimples

His marriage, his choices, his life.

Yes, and for all that you see yourself as some kind of carefree lover of sex you were just enabling his sexism of which you and his wife were both victims.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:52

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 16:02

I’ve been having an affair for nearly five years with a married man, his DC are older though (19 and 23). Why do I do it?

  • he stays here 3 or 4 nights during the week, so I get company and sex on the days I’m working, then the weekends to myself
  • he’s sweet and very kind but not my responsibility.

Eventually I’ll pack him off back to his wife, if she’ll have him still. I don’t want him long term and certainly don’t want to marry him - what’s mine is mine and that’s how it’s staying. I’ll never be a wife again. I would never have done this with a man with young children as that would be stressful for both of us. This is very chill.

For a younger woman having an affair with a man, I imagine it’s something to do with not wanting to be a wife with all the responsibility that entails, but getting to shag a man who appreciates you yet can’t tie you down?

From your side the situation sounds wretched, joyless and lonely. You don’t sound as in control as you think you are. For him it sounds like a different story. He must be on cloud 9.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:03

Thereasonidid · 20/08/2023 16:28

I'm actually laughing out loud at this!

You obviously have never experienced how liberating it is to have good sex when you want it, and not have to put up with the chores of life that come with a partner.

Your own bed to yourself. Your own choices over decorating your own house. Having what you want for dinner and at the time you want it. Going where you want, when you want, how you want. Not having to compromise as your partner wants something different when they want it. It is unbelievably freeing. I now wouldn't have it any other way.

One day you'll grow up and realise not everyone is like you. That some of us women love having sex but really don't need the man permanently in the life that comes with it, like some women seem to need. Some of us are very very happy being single. I imagine @Stoopidi is very comfortable and confident in her own skin. And that she could easily "get someone who doesn't just want causal sex". Some of us just don't need or want them.

cry when the man you're emotionally invested in goes home to shag his wife. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

As if! I make the bed, have a cuppa and turn on what I want to watch on the TV. Thanks for the giggles!

Show quote history

I still don’t understand why they have to be married men though. You said earlier that single men always want more from you well there is no guarantee that a married man won’t want more, which would just lead to mess.

A strong woman would be able to articulate what she needs from a situationship with the (unmarried) man of her choice. The need to be furtive that comes with an affair means that you haven’t advocated for what you want at all but have acquired it by stealth. True freedom looks very different to what you now have.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:18

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 17:19

I think women who believe a married man will leave his wife for her, and wants that to happen, is quite sad and desperate.

But for women like thereasonidid - I think she’s got quite a good set-up that suits her and one she’s genuinely happy with. There’s nothing desperate about that.

Not all women want to be rescued by a man in shining armour, some of them are quite content being single and using men for company and sex in any way they see fit.

Show quote history

And yet the men remain at the centre of all these scenarios having their cake and eating it.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:20

Pissedoffandcovidy · 20/08/2023 18:23

@Noizettely surely in many cases it is the wife that is more like a prostitute as so many stay in marriages for financial reasons ie exchanging services for money?
whereas the women you are speaking to are having sex for pleasure. Most definitely not for money - so in no way equivalent to a prostitute. Or do you struggle with the concept of women enjoying sex for its own sake?
which is not to say I condone affairs, I do not! But comparing it to prostitution is weird (except where perhaps the OW is trying to snare a monied man).

It wouldn’t surprise me if the men experience it as a form of prostitution - they must be rubbing their hands with glee at the thought that they haven’t even had to pay for it.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:31

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 19:19

If these posters truly believe that Stoopidi et al are not actually happy, and in reality cry themselves to sleep every night because their APs don't leave their wives...why are they clearly trying so hard to insult and goad them into feeling terrible? I thought you already believed them to be dying of heartbreak and dissatisfaction?

It says a lot about the world we live in when many women feel they can only have that sort of freedom and happiness by furtive means. It has to beg the question of whether it actually is freedom.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:37

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 19:39

Consensual adult sex, however illicit, is not comparable to assault, battery, murder, child abuse and all the other false equivalences people on here always try to make to justify the misogynistic act of holding a woman responsible for a man's commitments.

Show quote history

But has the wife consented? The gaslighting that goes with an affair, the lowered self esteem as part of that and all the while being told that you are imagining things until the truth comes out, and the awful consequence of that when you feel that you have been such a fool to not have realised. Affairs can do real psychological damage. That is why they are abusive.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:41

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 18:38

Or do you struggle with the concept of women enjoying sex for its own sake?

This is exactly what people struggle with. That's why they are truly puzzled when a woman has an affair with a MM as to why his having a family didn't stop her. They can and do immediately understand that the man enjoyed the sex but they're properly scratching their heads at what the woman could get out of it. And of course, the immorality of it should stop her sex drive completely - she shouldn't even desire him if he's married with kids. But naturally, it doesn't work the other way round even when he's the one with the family.

If the existence of his own family doesn't stop him from getting his end away, why on earth would it stop someone else?

I honestly don’t believe that women can’t get their heads around the idea of other women enjoying sex.

Most of us want women to be free to have great uncomplicated sex. We just don’t want that to occur at the expense of other women who also deserve to be happy.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 05:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/08/2023 19:58

My ex husband ran off with a woman who demanded he cut off our 2 year old entirely. She was a mother herself, indeed her own child has lost his father in an accident at 6 years old. She didn't give a flying fuck about our son, she just wanted another daddy for hers.

Unsurprisingly, when told to choose, my ex chose her. He no longer has contact. The mental toll on my child is huge. I will never ever come to terms with that. They are both utterly awful people and I hope they have the life they both richly deserve 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh no. This is the saddest story on this thread. I have no words. So sorry.

bozzabollix · 21/08/2023 05:58

I know someone who did it to another woman she knew well. In that case, he’d spun a lot of guff about how awful it was for him within his marriage and how terrible his life was, and how this miserable home life was terrible for their child.

Her relationship history was appalling with four relationship failures within her ten year old son’s life, so didn’t have much idea of what constitutes a good relationship. No importance given to a stable home life for children as that wasn’t what her son had had. She’s had the benefit of living in a stable household growing up but just didn’t see the importance when it came to her son and the kid who suffered his father walking out.

Basically has massive self esteem issues where it was probably a bit of validation, but also has zero emotional intelligence and empathy. The entire thing was a shit show where both of them have destroyed anyone’s trust and faith in them. It made me see how shit they both are.

It’s not something you do when you can foresee consequences, the consequences were totally unexpected for her and were a massive shock.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 06:27

@DameCurlyBassey "The gaslighting that goes with an affair, the lowered self esteem as part of that and all the while being told that you are imagining things until the truth comes out, and the awful consequence of that when you feel that you have been such a fool to not have realised. Affairs can do real psychological damage. That is why they are abusive."

This is right on the mark.

When I found out my ex'D'H was cheating the relief was almost euphoric. I realised that I wasn't losing my mind, there was something going on, and most importantly, I was now in a position to do something about it (that began with a trip to a solicitor.)

Eaudesud · 21/08/2023 06:54

Jonti23 · 20/08/2023 22:48

They view them as overworked and easy prey. The ladies looking to break up a family as a result of a hook up are pure psychopaths. Men rarely want to leave let alone break up another family. They are in it for sex.

Plenty of married people fall in love with other people. It's tough on the other partner. It happens. Human relationships are living, dynamic things. People grow up, their feelings change, both men and women move on with their lives.