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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 21/08/2023 07:05

I guess for a single woman, if she is only in it for date nights and sex, they never get off the first page of a relationship. A married man is ideal, he probably doesn't want more as he already has his other needs met with his wife and children.

But it seems vacuous to me.

Perhaps because I am looking at it from the perspective of a long marriage and middle age. There is no past or future just the present. There is no playing 'remember when' or looking forward to the future.

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 07:26

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 04:16

But why did you behave this way
with a married man you had just met? Were you very young? Was it the drink? Did him being married not matter to you at all? Did you have any thought for his wife and kids?

Show quote history

Behave in what way with a man I’d just met? Give him my number? I actually think that’s pretty tame compared to what some women do with men “they just met” 😂

I was 23 when I met him and he was 28. So yes, I guess I was young and I imagine the drink played a very big part in why I gave him my number. However he was sober when he first text me and I was sober when I replied, so when it came down to the actual creation of the affair, alcohol wasn’t involved.

And no, him being married didn’t matter to me at all. It was just a word, it didn’t mean anything to me. He didn’t have children but no, I didn’t give any thought to his wife because again she want anything real to me.

For the entirety of our relationship his wife was never mentioned, it really was like she never existed. I never asked about her and I felt no need to ask him about her. I didn’t know her name, her age, what she looked like or what she did as a job etc. I knew absolutely nothing about her and I had no interest in wanting to know about her either because it was all irrelevant. It really was like she didn’t exist.

Someone up thread said that a woman’s own experience of committed relationships and having children will change their mindset in terms of whether they’d be an OW or not and I do agree with this somewhat. I’m married now with two young children and the thought of either having an affair myself, or being an OW to a married man (with or without kids) is something I just can’t ever imagine happening.

Back then I was young and the word “married” conjured up images of being old and boring so at the time I probably assumed that he was trying to escape that persona when he was with me. That’s just a guess though, I never once asked him why he was having an affair with me because again, it was irrelevant to me.

MaxTalk · 21/08/2023 07:34

Because it's fun and people want fun.

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 07:38

This reply has been deleted

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Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:01

@Thereasonidid "How is being able to make your own life choices, getting what you want and desire, being perfectly content and happy mean oppression in your understanding?"

Because women are being robbed of informed choice.

If you are married to a cheating man or being on OP to a cheating man, he is lying to both of you.
Ipso facto, you don't have the full picture of the situation and therefore have no informed choice.

Knowledge is power, and the man has all the power in this scenario.

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:05

Someone up thread said that a woman’s own experience of committed relationships and having children will change their mindset in terms of whether they’d be an OW or not and I do agree with this somewhat. I’m married now with two young children and the thought of either having an affair myself, or being an OW to a married man (with or without kids) is something I just can’t ever imagine happening.

I find this fascinating @WantingToEducate . I was faithful to XH from day 1. Never wanted to stray. Had children. No energy/time from either of us to have an affair-didn't need to consider it, as we had a great love life, family life and sex life at that time.

When the marriage ended and I wanted NSA decent sex, I went on a hook up site. It shocked me how many married people were on there. My eyes were suddenly opened to just how many people had affairs, as it hadn't been in my vocabulary for my entire marriage. I did a bit of catfishing and found 5 people (4 men, 1 woman) on that one website that I knew, one of which held a prominent position in the local community. From the outside, all portrayed very happy marriages. And that was one website of many.

The single men on there...well most of them have a reason they're still single and on a hook up site. Slim pickings and then some.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my life experience of a happy marriage and wonderful children didn't factor in my decision to meet up with a MM. I was in a good place for decent sex on my terms. I found it with a man who'd chosen to play away from his wife and child. It was his risk to take, not mine. During my marriage, I didn't even consider taking that risk as I was very happy. Essentially, he was offering what I wanted when I wanted it.

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 08:07

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:01

@Thereasonidid "How is being able to make your own life choices, getting what you want and desire, being perfectly content and happy mean oppression in your understanding?"

Because women are being robbed of informed choice.

If you are married to a cheating man or being on OP to a cheating man, he is lying to both of you.
Ipso facto, you don't have the full picture of the situation and therefore have no informed choice.

Knowledge is power, and the man has all the power in this scenario.

How is the married man lying to her?

She knows he married - so what has he lied about?!

But the reasonidid IS* making an informed decision. She choosing to date a man that she knows is married.

Yes he’s lying to his wife but I’m not sure how you think he’s lying to the poster?

ChefMike · 21/08/2023 08:10

Just because you, and the majority of people on this thread, seek/have a "forever" man to have the "elevated" status of wife or girlfriend that he confers on you by his power (wtaf?!), don't presume every woman does.

The whole status as a mistress is about competition! Competing with the female partner. You don't even fancy him, it's all an ego boost.

You seemingly get nothing out if it that a dildo and couldn't do, since you and others have no emotional attachment (to this man that you have sex with on a long term basis and can never have hmm). It's nothing that another single man could t offer.

Still unclear why any of the mistresses on this thread only have one man who they have sex with ( the MM). You can a shag around if you just want sex and to prove how sexually confident, strong + empowered you are?!?!?!

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:13

If you are married to a cheating man or being on OP to a cheating man, he is lying to both of you.
Ipso facto, you don't have the full picture of the situation and therefore have no informed choice.

How was I being lied to @Bluebellsandharebells ? I'm really confused.

MM told me he was married. He told me he had a daughter. He told me he didn't want to leave them.

I had an informed choice.

What more should he have told me? What was he lying to me about?

There's a massive distinction between casual sex and relationships which I think a lot of people on this thread have no awareness of. Tbf, I didn't either until I got divorced.

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:25

No @ChefMike . You believe it's a competition. It's really not.

If you think a dildo is as good as sex with a man, then it explains an awful lot of your opinions.

Again, you're presuming about my only having sex with the MM. I may or may not have had other partners when I was seeing the MM. MM and I discussed it. He told me he was only sleeping with me and his wife. I told MM that if I did have sex with someone else, then I wouldn't tell him as it was none of his business, like it's none of yours, but that I wouldn't have sex with MM again until I'd passed an STI check. Safety first.

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 08:25

MaxTalk · 21/08/2023 07:34

Because it's fun and people want fun.

Not much fun for the wives and kids. And really not fun to be constructed as the boring one as a result of your husband’s awful shenanigans.

ChefMike · 21/08/2023 08:27

There's casual sex, then there's casual sex with someone you feel complete ambivalence towards apparently and don't fancy at all. No emotional connection. Some of us struggle to see the fulfilment in that.

How is that worth the fractures it causes to another woman and her children? Why get involved in some man's sleazy business? For that...?

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 08:28

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:35

I agree. So many men have such low self esteem .

Show quote history

Hardly. They have the upper hand - as this thread is a reminder. The saddest thing for me is those women who think they are in control and getting something great out of “using” (hahaha!) married men.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:29

@WantingToEducate "How is the married man lying to her?"

Well, she'll never know will she?

He's prepared to lie to his wife who he promised to love honour and cherish. So why would he not lie to someone he made no such vows to?

Do you really believe he would lie to his wife but not to the other party? There is no such thing as a 'selective liar' - they are either a liar or they're not.

The man has already shown what calibre he is by lying to his wife. Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity, as has been mentioned before. Deception and lies shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral and is abusive.

OW, OM always think that their cheating partner would never lie to them. They think they are special, that they are a 'team'.

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:32

Some of us struggle to see the fulfilment in that.

And there's the nub of it @ChefMike

You struggle to see it. Some of us don't. Some of us have very fulfilling lives in a different way to you.

I accept yours, but you seem unwilling to accept anything outside of yours.

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 08:33

I am thinking it is about possession a man wants a trophy for other men to look at a women wants to own a man to say to other women, maybe, they have a man

None of it is right unless everyone is single or open relationships but it is some weird ownership thing

DrSbaitso · 21/08/2023 08:35

The whole status as a mistress is about competition!

As long as you truly can't understand that it isn't, you'll always be confused. It can be, sure, but it's not inevitable or inherent. It's entirely possible, and very common, for the OW not to want anything more from the man than she's got. Never heard of the MM ditching his wife, only for OW to send him packing too?

You literally can't conceive that it's possible for a woman to have an affair with a married man for any reason other than spitting, catty, female competitiveness, and you also think sex with a man is no different to using a dildo. I don't know who you're insulting more, men or women, but you're wrong on both counts.

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:37

@Thereasonidid "What more should he have told me? What was he lying to me about?"

You never will know will you? All you know for certain is that he was capable of lying to his wife.

And why does it matter to you anyway?

If I have read your posts right, the affair is over, you got what you wanted and went on your way. So it's only academic isn't it?

DrSbaitso · 21/08/2023 08:38

DameCurlyBassey · 21/08/2023 08:28

Hardly. They have the upper hand - as this thread is a reminder. The saddest thing for me is those women who think they are in control and getting something great out of “using” (hahaha!) married men.

Show quote history

So the OW must hate herself, but the MM can't. Affairs are debasing only to women.

It was ever thus. Or rather, there will always be people who want it to be ever thus.

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 08:38

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:05

Someone up thread said that a woman’s own experience of committed relationships and having children will change their mindset in terms of whether they’d be an OW or not and I do agree with this somewhat. I’m married now with two young children and the thought of either having an affair myself, or being an OW to a married man (with or without kids) is something I just can’t ever imagine happening.

I find this fascinating @WantingToEducate . I was faithful to XH from day 1. Never wanted to stray. Had children. No energy/time from either of us to have an affair-didn't need to consider it, as we had a great love life, family life and sex life at that time.

When the marriage ended and I wanted NSA decent sex, I went on a hook up site. It shocked me how many married people were on there. My eyes were suddenly opened to just how many people had affairs, as it hadn't been in my vocabulary for my entire marriage. I did a bit of catfishing and found 5 people (4 men, 1 woman) on that one website that I knew, one of which held a prominent position in the local community. From the outside, all portrayed very happy marriages. And that was one website of many.

The single men on there...well most of them have a reason they're still single and on a hook up site. Slim pickings and then some.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my life experience of a happy marriage and wonderful children didn't factor in my decision to meet up with a MM. I was in a good place for decent sex on my terms. I found it with a man who'd chosen to play away from his wife and child. It was his risk to take, not mine. During my marriage, I didn't even consider taking that risk as I was very happy. Essentially, he was offering what I wanted when I wanted it.

Absolutely.

A few years ago a friend of my husband found out his wife has been having an affair for over a year. He and his wife had a 4 year old daughter.

It sent absolute ripples through our friendship group and everyone was horrified about how could she could do it. There was no anger towards the other man, there wasn’t vitriol aimed towards him in the way there has been towards the OW in this thread.

Nobody was saying the OM was the scum of the earth or that he was a naive idiot, or that he was pathetic and under her control, or that he’d sought her out for an ego boost or that he was a psychopath etc because that doesn’t fit the narrative of “manhood”.

It was like a witch hunt where all the anger was directed at her and how nobody could believe she had done it. Especially when she had a child too……….

For some reason, as is demonstrated on this thread, the women are always the one in the wrong who are painted as the “Bad Guy” who are desperate l to break up marriages etc.

Its purely about the fact that women are viewed as some kind of paragons of virtue, we are angels, we are nurturing and loving, we are kind and caring, the gentle sex, those who can never, ever do anything selfish.

God forbid a women enjoys some thrill, danger or sex! Good God, the horror.

Women are just as capable as affairs as married men are - I think they just have less opportunity which is why when we do hear of women with children having affairs it’s seen as scandalous.

I think men have much more opportunity to have an affair and it’s actually quite common now. But of course it’s the OW who is in the wrong, she is evil, she’s disgusting, she’s desperate, she has low self-esteem, she’s vulnerable, she’s swallowing up lies, she’s a prostitute, she’s being controlled, she‘s pathetic, she’s got past issues, she’s a psychopath, she’s a home-wrecker, she’s a slut. God the list is endless….

Yet the men are quite simply “in it for the sex.”

Why is it so hard to believe that a woman enters an affair with a married man for exactly the same reason?

Sometimes women just meet a guy they really like and want the fun that comes with male company but with none of the commitment and none of the hassle and responsibility that can occur when involved with dating single men.

Sometimes married men are the perfect candidate for a woman because it ensures that the relationship remains superficial (for want of a better word), it is mainly sex related whilst also being easy and uncomplicated, and the woman retains her independence and freedom as she’s not emotionally tied to someone. That responsibility just isn’t there and that’s what some women want.

I broke it off with the man I was seeing when he said he wanted to make it more serious because that wasn’t what I had ever wanted.

For some reason though it just cannot be accepted that women would ever want to be with a married man for her own reasons and ones that don’t involve a desire for the “happy ever after”.

Theres a whole scope of reasons why women have affairs with married men and it’s not quite so black and white as they’re either weak and pathetic with low self esteem OR they’re a scummy prostitute.

People don’t want to believe that though because it doesn’t suit the narrative of what “being a woman” is.

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 08:52

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:37

@Thereasonidid "What more should he have told me? What was he lying to me about?"

You never will know will you? All you know for certain is that he was capable of lying to his wife.

And why does it matter to you anyway?

If I have read your posts right, the affair is over, you got what you wanted and went on your way. So it's only academic isn't it?

But you seem certain he was lying to me. He may or may not have been. I had enough truth to make my decision to see him or not.

Of course he was a liar, and selfish too. I told him both things on several occasions.

It really doesn't matter to me that he was a liar. But it clearly matters to you.

Walkaround · 21/08/2023 08:54

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 08:38

Absolutely.

A few years ago a friend of my husband found out his wife has been having an affair for over a year. He and his wife had a 4 year old daughter.

It sent absolute ripples through our friendship group and everyone was horrified about how could she could do it. There was no anger towards the other man, there wasn’t vitriol aimed towards him in the way there has been towards the OW in this thread.

Nobody was saying the OM was the scum of the earth or that he was a naive idiot, or that he was pathetic and under her control, or that he’d sought her out for an ego boost or that he was a psychopath etc because that doesn’t fit the narrative of “manhood”.

It was like a witch hunt where all the anger was directed at her and how nobody could believe she had done it. Especially when she had a child too……….

For some reason, as is demonstrated on this thread, the women are always the one in the wrong who are painted as the “Bad Guy” who are desperate l to break up marriages etc.

Its purely about the fact that women are viewed as some kind of paragons of virtue, we are angels, we are nurturing and loving, we are kind and caring, the gentle sex, those who can never, ever do anything selfish.

God forbid a women enjoys some thrill, danger or sex! Good God, the horror.

Women are just as capable as affairs as married men are - I think they just have less opportunity which is why when we do hear of women with children having affairs it’s seen as scandalous.

I think men have much more opportunity to have an affair and it’s actually quite common now. But of course it’s the OW who is in the wrong, she is evil, she’s disgusting, she’s desperate, she has low self-esteem, she’s vulnerable, she’s swallowing up lies, she’s a prostitute, she’s being controlled, she‘s pathetic, she’s got past issues, she’s a psychopath, she’s a home-wrecker, she’s a slut. God the list is endless….

Yet the men are quite simply “in it for the sex.”

Why is it so hard to believe that a woman enters an affair with a married man for exactly the same reason?

Sometimes women just meet a guy they really like and want the fun that comes with male company but with none of the commitment and none of the hassle and responsibility that can occur when involved with dating single men.

Sometimes married men are the perfect candidate for a woman because it ensures that the relationship remains superficial (for want of a better word), it is mainly sex related whilst also being easy and uncomplicated, and the woman retains her independence and freedom as she’s not emotionally tied to someone. That responsibility just isn’t there and that’s what some women want.

I broke it off with the man I was seeing when he said he wanted to make it more serious because that wasn’t what I had ever wanted.

For some reason though it just cannot be accepted that women would ever want to be with a married man for her own reasons and ones that don’t involve a desire for the “happy ever after”.

Theres a whole scope of reasons why women have affairs with married men and it’s not quite so black and white as they’re either weak and pathetic with low self esteem OR they’re a scummy prostitute.

People don’t want to believe that though because it doesn’t suit the narrative of what “being a woman” is.

Show quote history

What “people”? I’m perfectly ready to believe women can behave just as badly as men. I think both men and women who behave in this way just for no strings attached sex with a married person with young kids are behaving reprehensibly.

Any successful relationship is based on trust - once trust is gone, the relationship becomes transactional if it can continue at all, continued through necessity not mutual trust and affection. Young children are vulnerable and anyone caring for them by consequence becomes more vulnerable, so trust at this point becomes particularly important for all concerned, and any breach of trust is actively harmful to all concerned. If you are actively participating in an affair which you will know is deceitful and a breach of trust, you are behaving badly. You know how much damage can be done from prioritising your desire for sex, avoiding responsibility and not being the vulnerable one.

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 08:55

Bluebellsandharebells · 21/08/2023 08:29

@WantingToEducate "How is the married man lying to her?"

Well, she'll never know will she?

He's prepared to lie to his wife who he promised to love honour and cherish. So why would he not lie to someone he made no such vows to?

Do you really believe he would lie to his wife but not to the other party? There is no such thing as a 'selective liar' - they are either a liar or they're not.

The man has already shown what calibre he is by lying to his wife. Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity, as has been mentioned before. Deception and lies shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral and is abusive.

OW, OM always think that their cheating partner would never lie to them. They think they are special, that they are a 'team'.

Lie about what though?

Give me and actual example of what the MM is lying to the poster about that would have any impact on their set-up?

You can’t just say “they lie to the OW” in relation to thereasonididit’s set-up but not give an actual example of what he’s keeping from her that she’d actually care about it?

Thereasonidid · 21/08/2023 09:02

👏👏👏👏👏👏 @WantingToEducate

Agree completely. Sadly men and women are held to very different standards by the majority. And a lot of them can't even see they're doing it, as it's so ingrained.

Superfood · 21/08/2023 09:10

boobot1 · 20/08/2023 21:50

Ive worked with a few women like this

Show quote history

I've known two women like this where the fact that they knew and were supposedly friends with the wife was 100% a motivating factor in them having the affair.

In both cases, the betrayed wives attempted to kill themselves. They had been betrayed not only by their husbands, but by women they thought were their friends.

Truly disgusting human beings.