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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 20:47

Idontbuyit · 20/08/2023 20:46

Then why not an unattached man. I don’t think it’s a valid excuse to say because a person enjoys sex. There are plenty of people you can have a connection with and go to bed.

Because it gets messy with an unattached man - he starts wanting more.

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 20:49

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 20:47

Because it gets messy with an unattached man - he starts wanting more.

Show quote history

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Really? You hung around with the wrong men.

Idontbuyit · 20/08/2023 20:49

There are so many men that are happy to just sleep around. I think it’s far more complicated should you get found out. The devastations and pain that brings is not something I would want to be on either side of. I guess I would feel immense guilt in the shoes of the other women though. Regardless of the fact the man was 100% in the wrong.

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 20:50

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 20:36

Oh of course he does.

In that case it looks like you’re his partner and he’s cheating on you at the weekends.

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I honestly don’t care what he does at the weekends, I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me - that’s my point!

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 20:50

I absolutely believe it’s a self esteem issue which is so very sad.

You are worth it x

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 20:51

Idontbuyit · 20/08/2023 20:46

Then why not an unattached man. I don’t think it’s a valid excuse to say because a person enjoys sex. There are plenty of people you can have a connection with and go to bed.

Some people do get off on the person being attached. Not excusing it, just acknowledging it.

Some people don't want the commitment and just want the fun bits. They are pleased

Some people are in a bad place and fall in love with the wrong person. They feel bad about it but not enough to stop.

Etc etc. It doesn't make it right but at the end of the day, the bloke gets some sort of benefit from it that he places over the risk to his family. This is wrong, of course, but nobody is puzzled by it. We get that men do this.

And yet we will ask the question forever about why a woman might do the same thing, despite the family and commitment not being hers to crap on.

If you understand why men do it - and people do understand it even though they don't approve - there's no reason why it should be such a big mystery for women. The man is the committed party, his reasons are far less understandable.

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 20:53

Stoopidi · 20/08/2023 20:50

I honestly don’t care what he does at the weekends, I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me - that’s my point!

Show quote history

And my husband doesn’t ‘own’ me and I don’t own him.

That’s not how healthy relationships work and it’s sad that you think this is the only option for you

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 20:54

Eaudesud · 20/08/2023 09:59

I think your argument assumes that one relationship is superior to other forms of relationship. It also assumes that any marriage is intrinsically valuable and worth preserving just because of the existence of a contract. We all know that that is an indicator of property relations and not the emotional health of a union.

To play devil's advocate, some marriages on their last legs are positively toxic, and do a great deal of harm to children (just take a look at the evidence base on relationships with a high level of verbal conflict). Precipitating the demise of those sorts of unions could be a moral good?

In some relationships, men may themselves have been repeatedly cheated on, and then take their own steps towards happiness.

Many relationships run their course and satisfy neither partner, but it is only when a new partner comes along that one side gains sufficient momentum to move on, ultimately freeing both to enter more fufilling unions.

We don't really know do we? Life is messy. Few people are able to act with genuine moral courage, which in this instance, involves calling time promptly on an unsatisfying union.

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Life is messy but what I never hear in these
cases is that the cheaters try to take care of the cheated upon. Most of the time
they behave with abject cruelty - taunting and gaslighting and deceiving. That is what is so disgusting about it.

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 20:55

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 20:51

Some people do get off on the person being attached. Not excusing it, just acknowledging it.

Some people don't want the commitment and just want the fun bits. They are pleased

Some people are in a bad place and fall in love with the wrong person. They feel bad about it but not enough to stop.

Etc etc. It doesn't make it right but at the end of the day, the bloke gets some sort of benefit from it that he places over the risk to his family. This is wrong, of course, but nobody is puzzled by it. We get that men do this.

And yet we will ask the question forever about why a woman might do the same thing, despite the family and commitment not being hers to crap on.

If you understand why men do it - and people do understand it even though they don't approve - there's no reason why it should be such a big mystery for women. The man is the committed party, his reasons are far less understandable.

Show quote history

I think you’re the only impartial person who speaks any sense on this thread.

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:02

Noizettely · 20/08/2023 18:13

But that’s not very savvy. I imagine he’s in a good job and has a comfortable home set up, so why not charge some money for it? It’s an easy way to make a bit on the side so why not?

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Why do you imagine that? It's just as likely that she is in a very comfortable situation and he is hoping to get his feeit under the table.

Abfab63 · 20/08/2023 21:05

I know someone who's last three relationships have been with married older men. I don't think that's purely coincidence.

Samlewis96 · 20/08/2023 21:05

User63847484848 · 19/08/2023 23:02

Sorry I’m talking about why men with young kids have affairs rather than from the female perspective

Maybe because their wives have become kid obsessed and the marriage has changed?

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 21:06

Thereasonidid · 20/08/2023 12:48

@BlastedPimples He was never my boyfriend! Just someone I was having sex with.

I did laugh in his face at some of the things he came out with. Didn't judge him to be pathetic or not. He was just someone I was having sex with.

Did I feel a flicker that what he was doing was wrong? Not my place to judge others. His life. His morals. His choices and actions. He was just someone I was having sex with.

By using the words skanky and toxic, you're making your judgements about me. Of course it didn't make me feel skanky or toxic, else I wouldn't have been doing it. I wouldn't do that to myself. Who would? He was just someone I was having sex with.

I was married for 18 years. I was faithful to my husband from our first date. My choice to be monogamous and faithful to my XH. As you've asked, I have no current intentions to marry again any time soon.

She never said you were skanky and toxic but implied that the behaviour was. I am inclined to agree.

Eaudesud · 20/08/2023 21:06

Samlewis96 · 20/08/2023 21:05

Maybe because their wives have become kid obsessed and the marriage has changed?

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Biscuit
DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 21:07

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 20:55

I think you’re the only impartial person who speaks any sense on this thread.

Show quote history

Thank you.

Abfab63 · 20/08/2023 21:09

...I should add to that. From what I can gather she gets a thrill from the man choosing her over their wife and life at home. She tells us it's because she loves the man and his life at home isn't good etc but clearly becomes incredibly controlling and wants them to show their adoration and preference of her including belittling their wives "she's old, boring, doesn't want sex anymore, not as good looking as you". She thrives from it.

Interestingly they don't ever leave their wives and she ends up heartbroken.

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 21:17

Abfab63 · 20/08/2023 21:09

...I should add to that. From what I can gather she gets a thrill from the man choosing her over their wife and life at home. She tells us it's because she loves the man and his life at home isn't good etc but clearly becomes incredibly controlling and wants them to show their adoration and preference of her including belittling their wives "she's old, boring, doesn't want sex anymore, not as good looking as you". She thrives from it.

Interestingly they don't ever leave their wives and she ends up heartbroken.

In my case, I ended it because he did want to leave his wife. He told me he loved me (we had never said those words during our time together) and that he wanted to tell his wife about us and be with me.

This was the complete opposite of what I wanted and so I ended it. I thought he and I had been on the same page and that what we had was just about having a good time, but it was clearly more than that for him.

I was genuinely horrified when he said he wanted to come clean as I had never, during our time together, expected or wanted us to become a real couple.

Not every OW wants a “happy ever after” with the man in question.

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:26

His wife is what he wants, the practical family car that suits him and his life.

The OW is the impractical red Ferrari that is fun to drive occasionally, completely impractical and a fantasy world. Slight uncomfortable.

The Ferrari will always believe it’s the better option. We all know different

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:29

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:26

His wife is what he wants, the practical family car that suits him and his life.

The OW is the impractical red Ferrari that is fun to drive occasionally, completely impractical and a fantasy world. Slight uncomfortable.

The Ferrari will always believe it’s the better option. We all know different

And yet so many men leave for the Ferrari. I wonder why .

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:30

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:29

And yet so many men leave for the Ferrari. I wonder why .

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They absolutely don’t!

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:31

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:29

And yet so many men leave for the Ferrari. I wonder why .

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Or they do and realise they’ve been a complete dick 😂

WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 21:32

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:30

They absolutely don’t!

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I’m pretty sure the Relationship discussion board will give you another view….

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 21:33

The Ferrari will always believe it’s the better option. We all know different.

Must be nice to have such perfect insight into the mind of every Ferrari, and also to be an expert on Ferraris. What do you think of the drivers?

Why do women have affairs with men with young children
WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 21:33

And we all know our thoughts on middle aged men who drive Ferraris

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 21:35

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 20:50

I absolutely believe it’s a self esteem issue which is so very sad.

You are worth it x

I agree. So many men have such low self esteem .