Why do women have affairs with men with young children

[Thegreenpotter]

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

So, basically, he was just someone you didn’t care about emotionally, only physically, and for whom you had no actual empathy. He satisfied your sexual needs for a while. And of course, you had no empathy for his partner, either, because you weren’t even having sex with her.

So basically the Borg style philosophy, a tool for your usage.

Now that's something I've always wondered about.

I know of three women who's DH/partners cheated on them repeatedly. Two of them kept taking them back and having more kids with them. After the 4th child in both cases DH left for the OW.
The other woman had no kids with her man. After a string of affairs he left their 7 year relationship for the OW.

They must have had very low self-esteem and the man was able to 'have his cake and eat it'.

When I met the man to whom I would be the OW too he was very off-ish with me.

I was out with my mates, he was out with his, we were all very tipsy, we all got chatting and I fancied him immediately. He was very wary of me though, almost like he didn’t know to react to me and I kept asking why he was acting so nervous. At one point I said jokingly, still tipsy and laughing, “Oh my God, this is your Stag Do isn’t it?”

Thats when he told me that he was married and had been for almost 5 years.

I remember laughing about it but it had no bearing on me and therefore didn’t change anything.

Despite his admission, he still came back to my hotel room (without his mates) but absolutely nothing happened between us (as me and my friends were all sharing one huge room) and we didn’t even kiss or hug or anything - we just sat up and chatted and had a few drinks. We hadn’t had any kind of physical contact before he’d come back to my room either so technically he hadn’t cheated at all. During our conversations he said although he was attracted to me he’d never cheat on his wife.

He had to leave after a few hours to get back to his mates and as he was leaving I picked up my eyeliner and wrote my phone number on his hand. I remember saying to him (still drunk) “This is in case you ever change your mind!”

He then left and I went to bed.

Two days later he text me and it went from there.

The circumstances made me think about a line you see spouted out all the time: “Any man will cheat if given the opportunity.”

I really hope this isn’t true but I’m not 100% convinced.

Many many moons ago, on a dating app a man pretended he was single, unmarried and childless. I went on 2 dates with him until something didn't add up and I found out he was married with 3 kids and he was in London working while the rest of his family were in Spain.

Another time I met a guy in a professional context at a conference and we connected on LinkedIn. We then met up, still professionally or so I thought, for a coffee after work. Instead of shaking my hand, he kissed me on the cheek and then was a bit too touchy feely (an accidental hand here and there). I met him because I was trying to break into his sector and wanted advice for an interview coming up (and also mentioned company name etc). Anyway, after that evening I decided I wasn't going to meet up with him anymore because I felt like he was being flirty and didn't want to mix work with that etc. A few days later, I got an email specifying who my interviewers were... The head of department was a lady that shared his last name (it was an unusual Scandinavian name). I really hoped it was his sister or something. After a bit of LinkedIn stalking it was clear it was his wife. At the interview, she was so lovely and spoke about her husband and kids and she was generally so badass at being head of a department in an amazing sector. Just such a pity her husband was so pervy. I never mentioned it to her but feel sad for her whenever I see her pop up on LinkedIn. She writes articles about making it to the top as a woman but needing a good support system etc.

My first question is, why do women always blame other women?

I mean, if your partner cheats on you, he's the despicable one. He entered into a committed relationship with you. The other woman? Unless she's one of your friends, she owed you nothing.

My follow up question is, why do women think men with healthy sex drives will be happy to stop having sex for years?

If you had sex with your partner regularly and then suddenly stopped, doesn't it make sense he will still want sex? As a woman, I think it's perfectly reasonable for a woman to go off sex when she's pregnant, has recently given birth, or even is a good few years postpartum. Women go through enormous physical and emotional changes, some which are incredibly traumatic, painful and/or dent their self-esteem. Their bodies change. The way they think changes.

Men? Well, they don't go through any of that. I suspect a lot of them don't believe how horrific it can be, because they physically cannot go through any of that. I think they justify cheating to themselves because they're not having their physical needs met in their existing relationship, even though it's not reasonable for them to expect those needs to be met at that time.

As a woman, love and sex are intermingled for me. It's the way my brain is wired. I think a lot of men can compartmentalise those two things, and can see seeking sex outside of the relationship as not impacting on their emotional connection with the relationship.

I don't condone any of it, but OP, you didn't ask about whether I agreed affairs were OK. You asked to understand why they happened.

I think ultimately, it all boils down to men thinking they're owed a shag by someone. Anyone.

PS My ex ran off with another woman. I've reframed my thinking now and I understand that she didn't owe me anything. She probably didn't even realise I existed. All of my anger and hurt should have been towards my ex. Not that I care anymore now, because I've moved on. But I am absolutely zen-like when thinking about her. Women need to stop blaming women for the shitty things that men do.

"My first question is, why do women always blame other women?"
Everyone always blames women. Especially men.

“Unless she's one of your friends, she owed you nothing.” I find this a toxic mindset. I don’t think I “owe nothing” to others unless they are my friends. Friends or strangers, it is less sociopathic to treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. Damaged people, on the other hand, treat others as they expect to be treated themselves - ie badly.

@Walkaround

We made our boundaries clear, yes. Physical primarily, but I cared for him a little over time.

I understood his reasoning to himself, but it was illogical in my book. So there was very little empathy with him. I still can't understand how someone can claim to love their wife and lie so fundamentally by cheating on them.

I could understand that he was very unhappy with the level of sex in his marriage and how he and his wife couldn't find a happy middle ground after 10 years. I've read enough threads on here from women getting cross with their husbands for wanting sex more than they do, and then being supported by the majority of MN telling the women they shouldn't feel forced to have sex.

He knew I thought he should be honest with his wife about his solution to the problem and discuss it with her, even if it meant the marriage ending, as it was her marriage too. And towards the end of seeing him, he said he was beginning to have conversations with her about opening the marriage up and he was surprised to hear she was far more open to it than he thought she'd be. Who knows if he was telling the truth or not?

Two separate questions obviously!

It's what fuckbuddys are, yes.

I think I am saying let's be realistic. In the real world relationships run their course and beome dysfunctional. It is messy. People are not very brave at calling time. Some people need another person before they are able to move on. Would it be better to leave before involving a third party. 100%. Does it always happen like that - no. Should people be able to leave unfulfilling relationships and form new ones - yes.

And are the men who want to stay cosily married in ostensibly monogamous relationships, but also secretly screw around, reprehensible? Absolutely.

@Thereasonidid it is skanky and toxic to be involved in adultery. More on him than you. it's better to not be part of that kind of behaviour.

Would you mind if your exh had committed adultery?

I don't get those who aren't married not being to blame at all for being involved rank deceit.

Even if you're not married to someone, is it not better to be a decent person who doesn't get involved in and enabling acts of betrayal?

I agree with @Spywoman and those mentioning that post on here.

The answer is that men who have young children are having an ego boost on the side.

We can't know whether the women know about the man's true situation. We can know that he is the one breaking his vows and the common decency of looking after the children and the mother of those children.

And yet, the question is still formed to indicate that it's not the fault of the menz. Pah.

Then we shall agree to disagree @BlastedPimples

His marriage, his choices, his life.

Completely agree.

I think what I am finding interesting is the suggestion that you can 'reserve' a mate as though you were putting a towel on a sun lounger.

People are alive, their feelings change, they are only 'yours' for as long as that feels right to them. It's heartbreaking when someone you love moves on before you are ready, but if you want marriage based on freely given love, that sometimes happens?

I cannot help but wonder if the 21 year old who constantly texted my H , looked at me like I was a piece of shit and boosted his fragile ego somewhat would feel quite so blasé about it 16 years later with her 2 young kids and husband of 7 years - so do I blame him for going along with this emotional affair- 100% - but yes, she was a hypocritical total cow too . She fully knew the score as she worked casually for us whilst a student.

@Thereasonidid i agree with you that he was the one in the relationship, but had I of been in your situation I would have found someone single for a sexual relationship.
It clearly wasn’t that you had fell head over heels for this toad, so why couldn’t it have been someone else. This would partially be for my own sexual health, he still would be sleeping with his wife. It’s clearly a marriage with problems, so she could be having an affair too.
Horses for courses I guess, if all women turned married men down they would find someone by lying I’m sure. Blame is definitely with the toad for me.

I disagree.

The person who owes you something is your partner. Blaming other people for his indiscretions only spreads the blame around when it should all fall squarely on his shoulders.

It's a way of letting men get away with even more than they already do.

I don't know but I've never met an ow who has justified their actions openly in real life, only on musnet are they willing to admit or excuse themselves from blame.

Real life is completely different.

One thing I have noticed is that birds of a feather flock together whether male or female.

If all those who cheated on their wives ended up in jail, the BoJo government would have been holding cabinet meetings behind bars. The same could be said for many previous governments.

However, a nasty rumour has being spread in the Tory party that Rishi Sunak is faithful to his wife. It probably explains who so many of the party faithful don't quite believe that he is 'one of them'.

Some narcissistic men are just really good at convincing women their current partner is a loon they need saving from. I used to fall for it, now I know it’s a red flag

I have been the OW. I was young and stupid and I am deeply ashamed. I helped to break up a young family by chasing a man who I knew was in a relationship. I wanted his wife’s life. He had young children, a lovely home and seemed a doting and lovely guy. Knowing what I know now and just how hard and testing having young children is on a relationship it simply makes me feel worse for what I did. We lasted 18 months before I realised I did not want to raise another man’s children and I had created this dream scenario in my head of our life together.

His ex was understandably so angry at me, but at the time I did not care. I saw it as justified after all he had picked me. He was clearly unhappy is what I told myself.

Five years later when moving house with my then husband and small child I found the letter she had wrote to me and I could finally understand the pain.

I really do hope she is happy now. I am so ashamed of all the hurt and pain I caused.

Sisterhood is made up nonsense that women like you ONLY want to use to benefit yourself (no other woman can touch ’my man’, that’s the law of the sisterhood🙄).

My feminism goes way deeper than worrying about someone’s marriage.

Marriage IS a status symbol, doesn’t matter if you see it or not.