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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
WantingToEducate · 20/08/2023 10:52

FrippEnos · 20/08/2023 09:08

I find it interesting how many on the thread seem to believe that the women that do this are tricked, lied to or generally have no agency of their own to make the decision.

Absolutely.

I knew I was the OW from the start, I certainly wasn’t lied to, or deceived or vulnerable etc.

Women are not perfect and sometimes we do shitty things of our own choosing and not simply because we’re innocent and naive angels who have fallen for a Big Bad Man and his promises….

B3ttyM · 20/08/2023 10:55

Eaudesud · 20/08/2023 09:59

I think your argument assumes that one relationship is superior to other forms of relationship. It also assumes that any marriage is intrinsically valuable and worth preserving just because of the existence of a contract. We all know that that is an indicator of property relations and not the emotional health of a union.

To play devil's advocate, some marriages on their last legs are positively toxic, and do a great deal of harm to children (just take a look at the evidence base on relationships with a high level of verbal conflict). Precipitating the demise of those sorts of unions could be a moral good?

In some relationships, men may themselves have been repeatedly cheated on, and then take their own steps towards happiness.

Many relationships run their course and satisfy neither partner, but it is only when a new partner comes along that one side gains sufficient momentum to move on, ultimately freeing both to enter more fufilling unions.

We don't really know do we? Life is messy. Few people are able to act with genuine moral courage, which in this instance, involves calling time promptly on an unsatisfying union.

Show quote history

I think your argument assumes that deceit and betrayal are ok. It also assumes that infidelity automatically arises from relationship difficulties whereas people have multiple other options available other than abusing their partners in this way. Your argument also assumes that infidelity exists in one form ie someone finding a 'better' partner. In reality infidelity can and does include the use of prostitutes, multiple one night stands, repeated affairs, years of people leading double lives, faithful partners contracting STDs from unfaithful ones, women contracting cervical cancer from unfaithful partners. Above all much infidelity involves an unfaithful person exploiting the primary relationship and staying in that relationship because of the benefits of doing so while controlling their partner's perception of reality, removing their agency and blaming them for their own manipulation. I think your argument assumes rather a lot and misses a great deal more.

Daffodilwoman · 20/08/2023 10:55

I always find it strange that a cheater who cites the boring monotony of parenthood as a driving factor for cheating, then goes on to have more children with the affair partner, thus continuing the cycle of ‘boring monotony.’
I know someone who’s partner left her with a toddler claiming he wanted to be free. He went abroad wanting a carefree lifestyle. She was gutted. He then ended up with a woman with 2 dcs and has had 2 more dcs with her. They live in the same town as the cheated on partner, living a life he claimed he did not want.

Anxioys · 20/08/2023 10:58

Because these women are bums or have very low self esteem.

Why sugar coat it? What we all have to remember is that there are many women who don't. They have reasonable empathy skills; and that is not overridden by sex or a desperate sense of wanting to be the most important thing in a man's life. The more narcissistic she is, then the less she will care. And the women who do this are ime highly narcissistic, whatever their age.

EarthSight · 20/08/2023 11:03

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

Because they're stupid, selfish, or are so incredibly desperate for male validation or their self-esteem is so low that they're willing to do this.

EarthSight · 20/08/2023 11:06

Daffodilwoman · 20/08/2023 10:55

I always find it strange that a cheater who cites the boring monotony of parenthood as a driving factor for cheating, then goes on to have more children with the affair partner, thus continuing the cycle of ‘boring monotony.’
I know someone who’s partner left her with a toddler claiming he wanted to be free. He went abroad wanting a carefree lifestyle. She was gutted. He then ended up with a woman with 2 dcs and has had 2 more dcs with her. They live in the same town as the cheated on partner, living a life he claimed he did not want.

A lot of those men just want to dick about, literally, and find a younger woman who they think won't place as many demands on them (actually stand up for themselves, actually have emotional needs). Then they find out they actually do and just accept that this will be their lot.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 11:13

When my ex husband left me for a woman 12 years younger than him and his own family asked him what about about me (i.e me his wife) and our children his answer to them was "I wanted to be with a younger woman".
His own family of origin is so incredibly messed up and dysfunctional that they did not have any reply and they certainly did not challenge that answer.
I do think this type of trashing of families and serial cheating runs through the generations. Alot of people who participate in cheating (whether the married man/woman or the other man/woman) have come from families themselves and grown up as children in families where there is a lot of cheating, lies and divorce and broken childhoods.
They think its normal and there is nothing to answer.

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 11:15

ChoccyBickies · 20/08/2023 08:58

There seems to be this concept that men or women who are married can be taken away against their will.

If a marriage is happy and sound, no amount of 'come on' from another person will break it up.

(Having sex while married but with no emotional investment or a plan to leave is different - but that's not what the OP asked- she is talking about leaving for someone else.)

You can't 'steal' someone's wife or husband.
They choose to leave and most probably would have anyway. Sure, it makes it harder if they leave for someone else, but that person has not stolen them.

his head was just turned
No, he chose to turn his head.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 11:16

Some tired tropes on this thread
OW is an amoral low esteem tramp chasing husbands to steal and tempt the family man away
OW is naive and believes the lies of the husband in pursuit of love

people have affairs because they can, because they want to, motive and opportunity

men aren’t stolen or tempted away by an OW They go willingly. They make that choice . Men are responsible for men straying, responsible for their own actions

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 11:20

Anxioys · 20/08/2023 10:58

Because these women are bums or have very low self esteem.

Why sugar coat it? What we all have to remember is that there are many women who don't. They have reasonable empathy skills; and that is not overridden by sex or a desperate sense of wanting to be the most important thing in a man's life. The more narcissistic she is, then the less she will care. And the women who do this are ime highly narcissistic, whatever their age.

And what about the men?are they responsible for their own choices?
or did women make them stray
lets not make this all about women. It takes to to have an affair

FrippEnos · 20/08/2023 12:00

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/08/2023 11:20

And what about the men?are they responsible for their own choices?
or did women make them stray
lets not make this all about women. It takes to to have an affair

Show quote history

Yes the men are responsible for their choices. As are the women.

Sparrowandball · 20/08/2023 12:09

I think women often tell themselves that it's the other women's fault as they can't face the reality that it's their partners choice to cheat. Sure women who do so with someone they know has a partner are morally highly questionable, but so many men get off lightly because they were 'stolen' rather than choosing to cheat.

Thereasonidid · 20/08/2023 12:17

So apparently I'm

a bum
stupid
selfish
incredibly desperate for male validation
have self-esteem that is so low
have no empathy
lack morals
narcissistic
just not nice
spending years post MM trying to justify my actions

For the record, I'm none of those things. I've got a great group of friends who would laugh about those words being used about me, as they're so far from who I am. I've got a great job, which requires me to have an excess of empathy and self belief. I've got nothing to justify or reason to myself.

We were two adults having a great time together. It appears nothing in his home situation changed in our year together. He even said once that I made him happier at home, and a better husband and dad, as was finally having the amount of sex in life that he wanted.

When I ended things with him, I imagine he found someone else to fill my spot. Any consequences which may have occurred in his marriage were as a result of his actions. By being on a hook up site, he'd already made his choice.

But this name calling on MN doesn't surprise me tbh. I've read enough threads on this site to know how this thread was going to go.

CurlewKate · 20/08/2023 12:18

Actually, if you're going to have an affair, surely it's up to the person with the children to decide whether or not to go through with it? Neither are going to be stellar people, are they?

Anxioys · 20/08/2023 12:19

A highly narcissistic response

lupinlass · 20/08/2023 12:22

Not rtft. But yeah, my ex had an affair when we had a 2yo and I was 32 weeks pregnant with dd when he told me he was leaving me. That was fun!!

He married the bitch and I've hated her ever since. Don't speak to him much now but we co parented ok because the dc we're so young. They're 19 and 22 now so I have no need to talk to him.

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 12:25

I find it odd someone cheats then complains when their partner cheats on them

BlastedPimples · 20/08/2023 12:25

@Thereasonidid I find your post interesting.

It was absolutely your ex boyfriend's choice to cheat on his wife. And his risible statements about how he was a better father and husband as result. Did you not laugh in his face? Did it not strike you as pathetic at all?

I'm curious. Did you not feel a flicker of any sense that it was wrong what he was doing? And whilst you weren't married yourself, you were part of something skanky and toxic?

Also do you have plans to get married yourself? Will it be an open marriage? Or is fidelity important to you?

Dweetfidilove · 20/08/2023 12:27

Women have affairs with fathers for a variety of reasons known only to them, usually.

This sisterhood that often comes up on affair threads, never seem to appear anywhere else. Where is the sisterhood when:

*Woman becomes stepmother to another woman's children, but feel no affinity to them except as the offsprings of their husband / treat them poorly.
*Woman dislikes or is jealous of another woman because she has a good job / family / fertile/ career etc; and is told - you can feel how you feel and there's no need to care what others think or say.
*Women bully other women in the workplace/schoolgate...
*Countless other shitty things.

Women do horrible things to women and their children all the time - far worse than sleep with their menfolk - and there's never any mention of sisterhood.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 12:28

"If a marriage is happy and sound, no amount of 'come on' from another person will break it up."
ChoccyBickies · Today 08:58

The above is the perpetual lie which is repeated forever by the person who has an affair with a married man.

The truth is that a lot of people who if they asked about their marriage in all honesty would say they were quite "happy" but they were not happy with themselves and that was a big factor in why they cheat.

Its fairly breathtaking that a third party who comes into an existing relationship/marriage so confidently, even at the start/early days of their affair with the married man/woman in question adopts and repeats the idea that people who are unhappy in their marriage cheat and conversely people who are happy in their marriage do not cheat.

It assumes all kinds of thought processes by that third party coming into that situation with the married man/married woman

  • it assumes that that third party has decided ahead of time that the married person is unhappy with their spouse but will be happy with them
  • the person who is deciding to cheat with the married person is assuming that the married person just married the wrong person and if they were only married to them they would be happy i.e. the person who is cheating is making decisions and passing judgment on the compatibility of the married couple or, worse, deciding that the cheated on spouse is defective in some way that they are not.
Yes some marriages are good examples of incompatibility. And there are all sorts of reasons why people decide to stay in "incompatible" marriages and not leave.

However there something unique about relationships which start off as a cheating scenario and there is overlap. And the myths (see my bold type above) repeated always by the person cheating with the married man/woman are always perpetuated to justify what they do.

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 12:30

Dweetfidilove · 20/08/2023 12:27

Women have affairs with fathers for a variety of reasons known only to them, usually.

This sisterhood that often comes up on affair threads, never seem to appear anywhere else. Where is the sisterhood when:

*Woman becomes stepmother to another woman's children, but feel no affinity to them except as the offsprings of their husband / treat them poorly.
*Woman dislikes or is jealous of another woman because she has a good job / family / fertile/ career etc; and is told - you can feel how you feel and there's no need to care what others think or say.
*Women bully other women in the workplace/schoolgate...
*Countless other shitty things.

Women do horrible things to women and their children all the time - far worse than sleep with their menfolk - and there's never any mention of sisterhood.

I don't disagree with you except for the 'sisterhood' just because there are women does not make us one collective

People should be nice because we are all humans not as a female or male thing

BlastedPimples · 20/08/2023 12:33

@Walkaround you're assuming some people have a moral code.

There are many many who have no sense of right or wrong at all. And are utterly untroubled and dismiss their role in adulterous as not their problem.

Until it happens to them of course. Ooooh the outrage. 😄

Hawkins009 · 20/08/2023 12:37

BlastedPimples · 20/08/2023 12:33

@Walkaround you're assuming some people have a moral code.

There are many many who have no sense of right or wrong at all. And are utterly untroubled and dismiss their role in adulterous as not their problem.

Until it happens to them of course. Ooooh the outrage. 😄

That's also been on mumsnet a few of I had an affair now the other half has and how could they etc.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 20/08/2023 12:37

The only young woman I know (or at least know that I know) who had an affair with a man with young kids, couldn't have cared less about them.

Thereasonidid · 20/08/2023 12:48

@BlastedPimples He was never my boyfriend! Just someone I was having sex with.

I did laugh in his face at some of the things he came out with. Didn't judge him to be pathetic or not. He was just someone I was having sex with.

Did I feel a flicker that what he was doing was wrong? Not my place to judge others. His life. His morals. His choices and actions. He was just someone I was having sex with.

By using the words skanky and toxic, you're making your judgements about me. Of course it didn't make me feel skanky or toxic, else I wouldn't have been doing it. I wouldn't do that to myself. Who would? He was just someone I was having sex with.

I was married for 18 years. I was faithful to my husband from our first date. My choice to be monogamous and faithful to my XH. As you've asked, I have no current intentions to marry again any time soon.