Page 11 | Why do women have affairs with men with young children

Thegreenpotter · 2023-08-19T21:52:20+00:00

As the title says. Why? Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship? How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family? This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

angela99999 · 20/08/2023 09:49

Dwappy · 20/08/2023 09:37

I was the other woman when I was 23. I'm autistic and was very very naive. I'd been badly bullied when younger and struggled making friends and I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I'd only had one boyfriend before then who cheated on me and left me for her.
He approached me and at first I had no idea he was married with 2 young children. I think he told me after a few dates. But obviously everything he told me about it was complete rubbish. He said he was separated, and lived mainly at his parents house. Only staying at "his wife's house" when he was seeing the kids. But apparently even before that they were sleeping in separate rooms for the year before. He told me his second child was an "accident" and they'd only had sex once that year and that was when he was conceived. He used to text me all evening/ night so I had no reason to not believe he didn't live at home. (Now I think he either slept in a different room claiming he needed to sleep and not be woken by young kids or maybe his wife was so knackered she was fast asleep early). He flattered me so much. Told me everything young me wanted to hear. As a 40+ year old, I can now see what rubbish it all was. And I can hardly believe I fell for it. But all I can say is I truly truly believed him at the time. I really thought he was separated, I thought he loved me and we would be together. I know it sounds ridiculous to believe that anyone could believe it but I did.
When I found out it was all lies I was absolutely devastated. Firstly because I'd lost what I thought was the love of my life, and secondly because my feelings of worthlessness came back with a vengeance. Also as with experience i can see now that him telling me "no one else will ever love you like I do" wasn't actually the romantic thing I thought it was. It was actually coercive to keep me thinking I needed to stay with him as no one else would love me as much. It was actually keeping my self esteem down.
It took me years to recover.
I'm very glad it ended now. And from what I've heard he's now divorced. And I'm happy for his wife that she's away from him and from what I've heard she got to keep the house and I really hope she got the maximum she deserved.
So do I regret it? Of course. But I was young and wanted to be loved. I never thought I was hurting the wife or kids as I believed him when he said it was over anyway.

Sadly I think that what happened to you is pretty typical, his stories, his flattery, you didn't fall for it because of your autism or even naivety but because he knew how to manipulate women. I'm guessing that you were by no means his first affair. I fell for stories like this when I was much older (though he didn't have young children) and wonder to this day why I didn't see through him.

JudgeJ · 20/08/2023 09:50

Whatsthepoint1234 · 19/08/2023 22:53

Men either lie or they are selfish.

Because women are never in the wrong, are they?

Xiaoxiong · 20/08/2023 09:51

I don't think anyone on here is presenting low self esteem etc as an excuse, but just as one possible explanation, as per the OP's original question. Of course it's possible to say no, but the OP asked why some women don't.

When I think back to what I was like as a late teen/early 20s, there is definitely a "there but for the grace" feeling about some of the situations I found myself in and I was in no way a crazy teen. If I had been in a situation where I had to say no I don't know if I could or would have. Now, with age, maturity and motherhood, of course - but the past is another country etc...

AnxiousSandwich · 20/08/2023 09:51

For me personally I was lied to. Told they were divorced and that he still saw the kids. When I did eventually find out about his wife it had been so long, I'd fallen in love and then discovered I'd become pregnant despite having an IUD.

If I'd have known in the first place I would never have gotten involved. All it's done is cause drama.

Purpleboat · 20/08/2023 09:52

@DameCurlyBassey so sorry. What a toad. Such a shame he didn’t realise it was the chase they were after, not him at all.

desperatelyseekingnoone · 20/08/2023 09:57

Spywoman · 19/08/2023 22:54

You're asking the wrong question.

The right question is, why do men with young children have affairs.

Why and how can they do that from a moral perspective.

This!!

Eaudesud · 20/08/2023 09:59

Walkaround · 20/08/2023 09:38

If you have an affair with someone else’s husband, you know they are married and it is not an agreed arrangement with both parties to the marriage, then of course you bear some blame for any harm done. You will have entered (or continued) your relationship in full knowledge of the dishonesty involved. It’s sociopathic to argue only he bears any blame for the harm done to his family, because only he has a contract. Sensitivity to the potential effect of your actions on others is governed by empathy, not contract law. It’s about how narcissistic you are when you analyse situations. It is deeply narcissistic to shrug your shoulders and say it’s all his fault, because you owe nothing to his wife and kids.

I think your argument assumes that one relationship is superior to other forms of relationship. It also assumes that any marriage is intrinsically valuable and worth preserving just because of the existence of a contract. We all know that that is an indicator of property relations and not the emotional health of a union.

To play devil's advocate, some marriages on their last legs are positively toxic, and do a great deal of harm to children (just take a look at the evidence base on relationships with a high level of verbal conflict). Precipitating the demise of those sorts of unions could be a moral good?

In some relationships, men may themselves have been repeatedly cheated on, and then take their own steps towards happiness.

Many relationships run their course and satisfy neither partner, but it is only when a new partner comes along that one side gains sufficient momentum to move on, ultimately freeing both to enter more fufilling unions.

We don't really know do we? Life is messy. Few people are able to act with genuine moral courage, which in this instance, involves calling time promptly on an unsatisfying union.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 09:59

my ex husband did what the OP described.
The other woman he was having an affair with (12 years younger than him) clearly did not mind my two children at the time (what she thinks of them now they are teenagers is another matter tho).
My guess as to why she did not mind when my two children were 4 and 5 years old when he first left was

he wasn't seeing them very often at all (every other weekend nothing inbetween) so it did not make much difference in terms of the amount of time she did end up spending with them when they were with my ex
he has a lot of money and that was the main thing she wanted (eg to go on lots of luxury holidays or for him to buy her whatever she wanted) so the majoirty of the time my kids were not there she was getting exactly what she wanted in the first place anyway
i might be bias but my kids were (and I think still are) very cute aged 4 and 5 and very compliant/well behaved so I think she thought it was a novelty to have them around. Since my daughter has turned into a teenager she enjoys talking to her about teenage stuff (even tho she is 38 years old she does act like a teenager)
However I would say that since she has now had her own child with my ex husband my own children often report that she finds them irritating. Tough luck with that one.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 20/08/2023 10:02

Most women wouldn’t think ‘oh look there’s a man with lots of baggage including young kids and a wife, I’m definitely going to persue him and enjoy all of the drama that comes with it’.

If a man cheats on his wife (or vice versa) then he is obviously not happy at home.
I have heard countless times where men have spun a story about how he’s officially separated from his DW but they just live together for the kids sake etc.

I was the OW for 2/3 years.
I regularly met his family and spent holidays together etc and all the while he had a gf at home who had a child and was pregnant with his second when I found out.
I only found out because his friend told me.
I didn’t believe it at first because I still don’t understand how it’s possible to live such a double life and neither of us knew about it.

I ended it straight away but she is still stayed with him but I understood how easily it was to become the OW and not realise.

YogaHurts · 20/08/2023 10:04

Why do men with young children have affairs? Is the question!

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 10:05

Youdontsay87 · 19/08/2023 23:00

Because they're just not nice women are they.
My friends husband had an affair when she was pregnant with their second child. He left her when their baby was just 2 weeks old.
The women knew all about his marriage, his children and the new baby.
She had kids of her own. He moved in and became steps dad and never saw his kid after that. He's not together with the women anymore but he's gone on to have more kids with someone else.
Basically all round scum of the earth.
If I was in charge I'd make it a punishable offence.

Wow. That is a savage scenario.

Someone once told me that in Victorian era UK there was a law that protected engaged women from being abandoned by their fiancé. If this is true then a modified form of this law could be re-introduced.

it’s strange that we have hate laws which are to do with harm caused by prejudiced behaviour but no law against the harm caused by cheats.

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 10:07

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 20/08/2023 10:02

Most women wouldn’t think ‘oh look there’s a man with lots of baggage including young kids and a wife, I’m definitely going to persue him and enjoy all of the drama that comes with it’.

If a man cheats on his wife (or vice versa) then he is obviously not happy at home.
I have heard countless times where men have spun a story about how he’s officially separated from his DW but they just live together for the kids sake etc.

I was the OW for 2/3 years.
I regularly met his family and spent holidays together etc and all the while he had a gf at home who had a child and was pregnant with his second when I found out.
I only found out because his friend told me.
I didn’t believe it at first because I still don’t understand how it’s possible to live such a double life and neither of us knew about it.

I ended it straight away but she is still stayed with him but I understood how easily it was to become the OW and not realise.

Wow!

This thread is amazing. What a story. So sorry you experienced that. It must have been a huge shock. I hope you got over it.

GnomeDePlume · 20/08/2023 10:08

With work affairs there is a lot of compartmentalisation. The wife isn't a real person, these days she probably isn't even a photograph on the desk.

For the OW, if she is a junior colleague, she may perceive herself as improving her status by having an affair with a senior colleague. Power can also be an aphrodisiac.

If both colleagues are at the same level it can be just a 'bit on the side'. If she isn't in a relationship other than the affair it can be just a way of meeting someone without needing to go on online dating.

If she is senior and older it may be a way of demonstrating power: attracting a younger upcoming man.

Of course it could all simply be sex.

B3ttyM · 20/08/2023 10:11

Hating someone who has knowingly and deliberately caused you and your family significant harm is perfectly reasonable and not remotely similar to the lack of empathy shown to you by the other person. If someone burgled and violated your home would you not hate them? Criticising people who have been subjected to infidelity for their hatred of one of the people involved is victim blaming I'm afraid.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 10:13

I find it interesting which of the women who have affairs with married men spend a lot of time, energy and headspace, sometimes for years afterwards justifying it to themselves and others (eg "men don't leave their wives unless they are very unhappy" etc, "I was just the consequence of the fact their marriage was already over" or even "his wife was a bitch"etc)

By contrast you have some women who have affairs with married men and can reflect much more evenly on what happened and their part in it and admit to themselves and others the enormous consequences of their actions which shape the future and lives of so many people.

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/08/2023 10:14

My partner left me , when we had a three month old , for an American woman he had met online! She came to the uk , they married and had another child , he has had no contact for 18 years with the child we had . I hate the both of them , but her especially.

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 10:15

I haven’t read the whole thread but would be interested to hear from women who are conventional “homewreckers” (if any such women exist) but I guess they will only make an appearance if we make a pact to hear them out and not bash them.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 10:16

Take Eaudesud · Today 09:59 for example.
That poster is very much in the camp of having an affair with a married person and breaking up a family/changing the lives of the children involved forever is very much justified.

1dayatatime · 20/08/2023 10:31

@TomatoSandwiches

"It's a shame any woman still ties their self worth to the attentions of men.
It doesn't have to be that way."

++++

Thank you thank you - this perfectly sums up my view and is what I constantly tell me DD.

Dwappy · 20/08/2023 10:33

1dayatatime · 20/08/2023 10:31

@TomatoSandwiches

"It's a shame any woman still ties their self worth to the attentions of men.
It doesn't have to be that way."

++++

Thank you thank you - this perfectly sums up my view and is what I constantly tell me DD.

I think it's easy to understand that when older. I certainly wouldn't have believed it or listened when younger. Because you're surrounded by friends and tv shows that imply otherwise. It's very sad and it's hard to convince young people that it's true.

Notamum12345577 · 20/08/2023 10:35

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 23:11

Really interesting reading the replies.

i absolutely agree the man is 100% at fault. Just more curious why a women would even go there if she actually knew he was a man in a relationship with a young family. what could possibly be attractive about a man who cheats, lies and is willing to not think of his children and wife.

it’s something I could morally never do but perhaps because I am a mother?

Surely the blame would be shared? If the woman hasn’t got kids and/or a partner I would say that the man is the more guilty party, but if they woman also has partner and kids, why is her guilt any less than the man’s?

Walkaround · 20/08/2023 10:38

Eaudesud · 20/08/2023 09:59

I think your argument assumes that one relationship is superior to other forms of relationship. It also assumes that any marriage is intrinsically valuable and worth preserving just because of the existence of a contract. We all know that that is an indicator of property relations and not the emotional health of a union.

To play devil's advocate, some marriages on their last legs are positively toxic, and do a great deal of harm to children (just take a look at the evidence base on relationships with a high level of verbal conflict). Precipitating the demise of those sorts of unions could be a moral good?

In some relationships, men may themselves have been repeatedly cheated on, and then take their own steps towards happiness.

Many relationships run their course and satisfy neither partner, but it is only when a new partner comes along that one side gains sufficient momentum to move on, ultimately freeing both to enter more fufilling unions.

We don't really know do we? Life is messy. Few people are able to act with genuine moral courage, which in this instance, involves calling time promptly on an unsatisfying union.

Show quote history

Bollocks. I pointed out it’s about empathy, not a contract. The exact same empathy applies to an unmarried couple with children. If you embark on a secretive relationship, you know there is something wrong with the situation. All parties have a role to play in the failure of a relationship and the disruption of a family and the “other woman” is never “blameless.” Yes, of course that doesn’t make them the most to blame, and certainly they are less blameworthy than the man, but it’s ridiculous and, frankly, offensive to claim the only fault lies in the man. All marriages have stronger and weaker times - they are often most under stress when children are small - so it takes a real narcissist to argue that they had no role in the mess created by a liaison behind the other partner’s back. Friendships don’t work that way any more than marriages or romantic relationships do.

millymog11 · 20/08/2023 10:43

Walkaround · Today 10:38 I agree.

My conclusion many years on is that some women simply have no morals/conscience and basically do not care how their actions might affect other people.

Of course there are men like this too, but here I am just suggesting an answer to the question "why do some women have affairs with married men knowing there are young children involved?"

porridgeisbae · 20/08/2023 10:47

I was 18 (he was 27) and I didn't entirely know about things like that then.

Although, when he first moaned to me 'I suppose I have to accept my marriage is over' because he was getting no sex at home, 6 months after she'd given birth and only a few months since she had an operation to fix some complications, even I inwardly thought that was a bit much.

But I was obsessed with him.

They did split up a few years later.

porridgeisbae · 20/08/2023 10:49

I don't think they split up because of lack of sex though.