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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at MIL text?

119 replies

Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:19

Husband doesn’t have a great relationship with mother so DC photos have always been sent by me to MIL.

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

A week later, MIL messages me being very accusatory, saying that I’m upsetting her because she couldn’t visit on DC birthday (despite us already having plans), accusing me of not sending her any DC photos / cutting communications with her when she is the one who doesn’t respond after I’ve sent her messages and photos- which, in my opinion, is very rude but I just let it slide and forget about it.

She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter?? anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this.

This has really annoyed me, why would I know? If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL.
I used to send her photos of DC spontaneously but after not responding to multiple messages, I only send them when she asks now.
I also occasionally post photos on social media which she has full access to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2023 00:23

Let dh deal with his mum. Saves you any hassle.

Original poster
Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:27

ordinarily this would be ideal but by the sounds of it DH is not messaging her (as I said not a great relationship between them) and she’s trying to blame me for this?

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 19/08/2023 01:40

You could try the trite message "I'm sorry you feel that way ", and/or tell her she needs to discuss her issues with her son.

Why are you in the middle of this?
She sounds manipulative, be careful!
If her son is maintaining a distance from her, maybe he has very good reason, and stepping in front of him to appease his mother may not be wise.

Grendell · 19/08/2023 01:46

If your DH doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother why would you engage with her? She sounds nuts.

Maxiedog123 · 19/08/2023 02:10

It sounds like your DH has good reason to lit contact with his mother, I would not be going out of my way to encourage a close relationship between your child and MIL

Tourmalines · 19/08/2023 02:17

So when can she visit DGC for birthday?

Newestname002 · 19/08/2023 02:44

Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:27

ordinarily this would be ideal but by the sounds of it DH is not messaging her (as I said not a great relationship between them) and she’s trying to blame me for this?

I agree with other posters - take yourself out of middle ground between your MIL and your husband. Don't try to encourage him to contact his mother - he's perfectly capable of doing so himself if he wishes. Maybe he actively doesn't and has his own reasons not to. If she tries to blame you be as bland and non-committal as you can be. 🌹

TomatoSandwiches · 19/08/2023 02:49

I would text her back and say her text has really annoyed you since you are the only one in your marriage that has been putting the effort in to facilitating contact and photos but obviously since your efforts are not appreciated you will leave it up to her and DH to sort these things out and to please not bother texting you to pass on messages.

Autieangel · 19/08/2023 05:55

I agree with poster above. You are the only one making a effort and without you there would be no relationship

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/08/2023 06:02

So why couldn't mil visit day before /after birthday

Assume your child loved granny /has a relationship with her

readingmynightaway · 19/08/2023 06:08

Dh needs to use the phone not text and sort it out.
Or send the photos himself.
Pathetic.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/08/2023 06:11

I mean, just leave them to deal with each other.

But this:

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

Really? I just can’t even imagine saying this to a grandparent… Confused

WandaWonder · 19/08/2023 06:14

Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:27

ordinarily this would be ideal but by the sounds of it DH is not messaging her (as I said not a great relationship between them) and she’s trying to blame me for this?

She can blame you all she likes it is not you so why take this on? She can't force you to that you need to own that yourself

rwalker · 19/08/2023 06:15

Your the only open line of communication so it makes sense she ask you I wouldn’t read to much into that

but she need to ring him instead of texting or failing that just turn up to see him ( I know MN hates unannounced visitors that haven’t booked an appointment to see them but it’s his mum )
by all means pass messages on but keep a distance from it
its between them

Twiglets1 · 19/08/2023 06:19

Sounds like there are good reasons your husband has distanced himself somewhat from his mother.
Don’t get dragged into her emotional dramas.

sandgrown · 19/08/2023 06:20

I can’t imagine my children saying I can’t see my grandchildren on their birthdays. I usually celebrate with them .

Twiglets1 · 19/08/2023 06:22

sandgrown · 19/08/2023 06:20

I can’t imagine my children saying I can’t see my grandchildren on their birthdays. I usually celebrate with them .

Maybe you have a better relationship with your children than this MIL does with her son? Maybe you’re an easier person to have around.

user1492757084 · 19/08/2023 06:30

I think she was hurt not to see her dear GC on the birthday.
I think it rude of you not to have facilitated a visit close to the actual birthday given that she asked and given that it is very meaningful for your child regardless of how well her own son is behaving.

I agree that only your DH can address the issues his mother raises but you should prioritise communication between your child and it's grandparents. (Your DH is childish to not sort out a pleasant relationship with his mother; one that his child can witness)

Send a picture once per month or join her to Tiny Beans with you. Allow child access to grandparents around their birthdays and at Christmas, Mother's Day etc. It won't always work out but you should be ready to negotiate an alternative date.
The grandparent - grandchild relationship is special and also very useful.

It is easy to post a real photo, a finger painting or a note to Granny and your child will love being the recipient of real mail.

AuntieSoap · 19/08/2023 06:31

It sounds like cares about her DGC and is hurting because she hasn't been able to see them. Did you offer an alternative date when she asked to visit or did you just say no?

She's probably also hurting because her relationship with her own DS has broken down. You're the only person she can take that out on and she trusts you.

She's expressing herself poorly, but I wouldn't take that personally OP. It sounds like she's sad, I don't agree with other posters that she sounds nuts.

You haven't said why her relationship with your DH is poor, but I can imagine she's full of regret about that. You obviously know the back story, but unless there's something you haven't included in your OP, I'd be inclined to show a little understanding. I feel sorry for her from what you've said, those messages to you sound a bit panicked.

ChubbyMorticia · 19/08/2023 06:31

Tourmalines · 19/08/2023 02:17

So when can she visit DGC for birthday?

After her tirade? When her son makes the arrangements. Probably for September 31st

winteriscoming2022 · 19/08/2023 06:38

If my DMIL had attempted to make arrangements to visit her DGC on their Birthday and we'd arranged something else I would have suggested other dates. Surely it goes 'Oh sorry, we're going to the zoo and leaving really early that day and won't be home until late. What about coming for tea the day before?'
You sounds antagonistic

ChubbyMorticia · 19/08/2023 06:47

I’m genuinely confused why all the responsibility is being put on you, @Cloud992 both by your MIL and some previous posters. Your husband knows his mother best, and if he has a strained relationship with her, there’s probably a reason. I don’t see how it’s yours to fix.

I also don’t understand how anyone calls a day or two before a kid’s birthday and then gets upset when plans are already made. Talk about short notice! If spending time with a gc for their birthday is so important, I’d expected her to have asked about it earlier.

You’ve been kind, and have been treated with disrespect. You deserve better.

Tourmalines · 19/08/2023 06:59

ChubbyMorticia · 19/08/2023 06:31

After her tirade? When her son makes the arrangements. Probably for September 31st

Show quote history

Poor failure of wit@ChubbyMorticia .

rayraymck · 19/08/2023 07:02

You say 'around' that date? So was it not just the birthday she couldn't visit ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/08/2023 07:05

What did you do for dc birthday? Assume out for the day

So why couldn't mil come over before /after

How old is your child