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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at MIL text?

119 replies

Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:19

Husband doesn’t have a great relationship with mother so DC photos have always been sent by me to MIL.

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

A week later, MIL messages me being very accusatory, saying that I’m upsetting her because she couldn’t visit on DC birthday (despite us already having plans), accusing me of not sending her any DC photos / cutting communications with her when she is the one who doesn’t respond after I’ve sent her messages and photos- which, in my opinion, is very rude but I just let it slide and forget about it.

She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter?? anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this.

This has really annoyed me, why would I know? If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL.
I used to send her photos of DC spontaneously but after not responding to multiple messages, I only send them when she asks now.
I also occasionally post photos on social media which she has full access to.

AIBU?

OP posts:

porridgeisbae · 21/08/2023 22:55

I think you're doing the right thing to just stop messaging her OP. She's upsetting you and it's also an implied criticism as you've said- you think it's bad for someone to treat their mum this way.

But now you've seen first hand how rude and annoying she is and how it makes you feel- imagine that but after having endured it and more for a couple more decades, including as a child.

Let him do his thing and don't get involved x

Gymnopedie · 22/08/2023 00:50

OP back off. My guess is that the relationship between DH and his mum is far worse than you really know. I would also hazard a guess that it's seeing you being a good mum to DC, and him becoming a father, that he's seeing how truly fucked up her treatment of him has been. Which is why he's now firmed up his feelings that he wants no more to do with her.

Whatever she did, it's been enough to cause him to feel that way. So I don't see her as someone you should be facilitating a relationship with your DC. What if she repeats her behaviour to DC?

Support your DH. He went through whatever it was, you didn't. So don't try to push your agenda that somehow you know better than him.

Original poster

Cloud992 · 22/08/2023 04:32

@Gymnopedie I think you are right, something has definitely changed in the way he is dealing with her now since DC has arrived- thank you for pointing this out, it may have been obvious but it hadn’t actually crossed my mind!

no doubt there will be drama again when Christmas arrives 🤦🏻‍♀️
DH has always chose to spend it with me and my family, even pre baby… will discuss with DH how to tackle the holidays!

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 09:22

Your DH is taking the lead on this. He has his reasons.
This has become more obvious to you since the birth of your child.

You asked your DH and he has said that he doesn't want his mother involved in his family any more and you must respect that. So, my honest advice, and you won't like this because you have been so open with your MiL is to actually block her number on your phone going forwards. She isn't like your own parents so she doesn't get the same level of interaction with your child as your own parents do. Your DH prefers spending time with your parents so when it comes to Christmas, if you've been going to your parents up to now, I see nothing changing with that. You just keep doing what you've been doing. No need for a conversation.

Drop the rope. If MiL contacts you say that all communication is now going through DH, her son. She will have to take it up with him. He won't want anything to do with her so the responsibility is no longer yours. Support your husband.

That's my advice.

ImABox · 22/08/2023 09:59

It’s great that you’ve had a chat and he’s told you. It was easy to read as an outsider by your behaviour and his that he wants to go LC or NC. Your relationship with DH will improve when you are on the same side as him and he doesn’t want to expose your kids to how he was brought up

ImABox · 22/08/2023 10:02

Gymnopedie · 22/08/2023 00:50

Whatever she did, it's been enough to cause him to feel that way. So I don't see her as someone you should be facilitating a relationship with your DC. What if she repeats her behaviour to DC?

Support your DH. He went through whatever it was, you didn't. So don't try to push your agenda that somehow you know better than him.

Agree completely that when you see another family interact, like theOPs or have kids of your own that you think how to e fucking hell could my parents do that to me as a child when I want to love and protect mine. It’s often then that you cut the contact, I know my DH did when he looked back and had not a light bulb moment but like a huge fucking lightning strike and went LC

Stormydayagain · 22/08/2023 13:02

Having a child can be the final push to go no contact, it was with me, so I don't think it is surprising for your DH to be the same. Looking at my tiny baby sleeping and reflecting on the way y my mother treated, was really tough. Years of denial that it wasn't that bad and that she might still change (at 70!!!) no longer cut it and the realisation that I had a responsibility to model health relationships (getting the hell out if your being emotionally abused and bullied) meant I finally went no contact when dd was 17 months.

I imagine your DH is quietly going through a really tough time right now, it's tough wondering why you, as a small child, weren't good enough to love our treat properly.

OP you need to apologise and show him that you believe him and support HIM on this, not your MIL. What you have been doing up until now (acting as a flying monkey for your DH abuser) will have been damaging to him and your marriage.

Talking to him yesterday was just one tiny step in the right direction.

Original poster

Cloud992 · 22/08/2023 22:00

@LookItsMeAgain thank you :)

OP posts:

Josell12345 · 15/09/2023 07:32

Maybe the issue is with the husband. Maybe she has a bad relationship with him over something hes done and is terrified it will result in not seeing the grandchild. Strange how so many assume its the mil at fault.

Hont1986 · 15/09/2023 14:14

MIL and FIL both live 1-2 hours away, they cannot simply just drop by in the morning and then in the afternoon

Slightly off-topic but why not? Fair enough that's a long way to travel if they were just dropping in for an hour, but it doesn't seem that bad if they were to come from breakfast to lunch - 8am to 1pm? Or 1pm to 8pm?

Original poster

Cloud992 · 27/09/2023 23:26

@Hont1986 MIL can drive but chooses to use public transport which takes up to 4 hours on way due all the stops and changes.

FIL would drive down for a couple of hours

My interpretation of "dropping by" is a swinging visit

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloud992 · 27/09/2023 23:30

@Josell12345

DH has done nothing.
MIL thinks the sun shines out of DH ass 😂

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 28/09/2023 00:16

Cloud992 · 19/08/2023 00:27

ordinarily this would be ideal but by the sounds of it DH is not messaging her (as I said not a great relationship between them) and she’s trying to blame me for this?

It is not your problem you only need it to be your problem if you choose it to be

Bluela18 · 28/09/2023 10:08

Any decent MIL would be understanding to the fact that you already had plans for your child on their birthday and therefore she could not visit and especially trying to arrange at short notice. I had an issue where my child s granny expected me to send my child ( Without me) to hers on childs birthday for the whole day because it fell on a day child would normally go to visit her. I invited her over on childs bday later in the day but she was not happy she didnt get my child to herself on her birthday and of course blame is pointed at me. Please try to not let her get to you, you are not being unreasonable. Certainly the relationship between your DH and MIL is their business so not your responsibility if he doesn't keep much contact

Original poster

Cloud992 · 29/09/2023 18:51

thank you all for your replies.

I have since spoken to MIL very honestly and bluntly. I will not allow her to blame me for the broken relationship she has with DH, and I will not tolerate her manipulative ways. Fuck it... I've stayed civil long enough , I'm putting my foot down😂

OP posts:

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 29/09/2023 19:02

I also tried to help dh navigate a better relationship with mil after an estrangement from before my time. Wish I hadn't. Stuff emerged post dc's arrival. . So glad she was uninvited from our wedding and that we have been nc for over 8 years now. Dh breathed a sigh of relief and by his own admission is so much happier she isn't around...

luckylavender · 29/09/2023 21:16

YoDood · 21/08/2023 08:43

Most people do a wider family thing for their young child’s birthday - especially their first birthday.

A 1st birthday is usually more about the whole family celebrating together, than doing something for the child themselves, who will have no idea what’s going on. I’ve never heard of parents taking a 1 year old for a weekend away for their birthday. You are effectively excluding someone who in most other cases would be part of the celebrations.

I bet she was waiting for you to invite her to the party, hence not making earlier arrangements or enquiries herself. And then was met with “sorry you feel that way but we’ve got other plans” - with no invitation or suggestion for a time when she can celebrate with her grandchild.

If you were going to have a “family of three” party, the kind thing to do would have been to tell her in advance (to avoid her building up an expectation that you would take the usual approach) and to suggest a time she could see her grandchild to say happy birthday.

Did you tell your own DPs in advance that there would be no family celebration?

I think you/your DH have been unkind. The “family of 3” thing may be easier on you but does exclude people who love your children and will damage relationships. I would reflect on whether you will be happy to be similarly excluded when you a grandparent.

Absolute nonsense & exactly the drama I remember when my DC was 1. We wanted to celebrate as a family of 3 too. DC was too young to realise and other people had more to say than they needed to. We did it our way, but I've never forgotten how tainted it felt and how much I resented that.

HoneyBadgerMom · 29/09/2023 23:37

Sounds like you made the best choice. Clearly, your husband had good reason to have a limited relationship with his mother. You can't negotiate with an emotional terrorist. If she wants to create drama and make everything all about her, she can sit in front of the mirror and do it, you don't have any obligation to tolerate her nonsense. There is no excuse for deliberate cruelty, and causing all that drama is deliberate cruelty.

Maddy70 · 30/09/2023 00:08

Sgecis upset with her sonn. He needs to deal with this. Why is he ghosting her?

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