AIBU to be annoyed at MIL text?

[Cloud992]

Husband doesn’t have a great relationship with mother so DC photos have always been sent by me to MIL.

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

A week later, MIL messages me being very accusatory, saying that I’m upsetting her because she couldn’t visit on DC birthday (despite us already having plans), accusing me of not sending her any DC photos / cutting communications with her when she is the one who doesn’t respond after I’ve sent her messages and photos- which, in my opinion, is very rude but I just let it slide and forget about it.

She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter?? anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this.

This has really annoyed me, why would I know? If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL.
I used to send her photos of DC spontaneously but after not responding to multiple messages, I only send them when she asks now.
I also occasionally post photos on social media which she has full access to.

AIBU?

If OPs parents saw her children then it's because of OP.
They are her side.
If MIL isn't seeing Her sons children then that's between her and her son. She may well have raised him but clearly the relationship wasn't good enough to last the years.

OP message her stating the above.
From now on you will be dealing with your side of the family and he will be dealing with his. Including her.
So she needs to direct all questions and requests to him and leave you completely out of it.

Our plans involved a family trip away from home over the weekend hence why It wouldn’t have worked out.

Also, DC birthday was on a Friday, MIL messaged me Thursday evening which was also too short of notice

FIL and MIL are separated. Another reason why we didn’t do the usual big family celebration. They don’t see eye to eye.

for those asking, it was DC’s 1st birthday so we just wanted to celebrate as a family of 3 - is that so bad?

To those asking why MIL couldn’t visit days before/ after- we actually stayed away for the weekend, so we were not home.
MIL is not local, so she would have to stay over which is a bit difficult when we are not there.

Also, when I replied , it did read “I’m sorry you feel that way , but we already have plans made in advance for DC bday weekend”

I should add that MIL did not call or drop a happy birthday message on DCs actual birthday day. I find this odd if she really wanted to see DC.
she Didn’t ask if DC had a good birthday, didn’t ask what plans we had for DC birthday because she was obviously interested. In fact when I sent her my apologies for having alternative plans she ignored my message nd didnt reply.

she just brought up the whole thing a week later, expressing how it affected her, how it made her feel and accusing me of not including her enough. As other posters have said, there would be no relationship at all if I did not send her these updates because my DH keeps any communication with her to the bare minimum.

@Cloud992 so she messaged thur asking to come over next day Friday (birthday)

You were away for the weekend fair enough

But you could have said we are away and not back to Sunday , come over then

Or Monday

Tuesday

Etx whatever day you were back

Did you miss the part where the MIL didn’t respond to the OP until a week later? How would you have her offer an alternative time when MIL ignored her for a week after being told no?

Honestly, I feel like if your AC barely communicates with you but your CIL makes an effort, you should, as a bare minimum, be civil with them, not blame them for everything you don’t like.

Then again, the blowing up might be what caused the rift between MIL and her son in the first place.

@Cloud992 what has your husband said about all of this?

Op said no but could have said come when we are back

Mil would have then hopefully said see you then

Instead op said no and nothing else

Guess we all read and reply to things differently

Most people do a wider family thing for their young child’s birthday - especially their first birthday.

A 1st birthday is usually more about the whole family celebrating together, than doing something for the child themselves, who will have no idea what’s going on. I’ve never heard of parents taking a 1 year old for a weekend away for their birthday. You are effectively excluding someone who in most other cases would be part of the celebrations.

I bet she was waiting for you to invite her to the party, hence not making earlier arrangements or enquiries herself. And then was met with “sorry you feel that way but we’ve got other plans” - with no invitation or suggestion for a time when she can celebrate with her grandchild.

If you were going to have a “family of three” party, the kind thing to do would have been to tell her in advance (to avoid her building up an expectation that you would take the usual approach) and to suggest a time she could see her grandchild to say happy birthday.

Did you tell your own DPs in advance that there would be no family celebration?

I think you/your DH have been unkind. The “family of 3” thing may be easier on you but does exclude people who love your children and will damage relationships. I would reflect on whether you will be happy to be similarly excluded when you a grandparent.

I wouldn’t engage with it at all. It’s up to DH.

And it’s not unreasonable for the parents to say no to the grandparents on the birthday. It’s about the child, not the adults.

MIL and FIL are divorced.
FIL remarried.
they cannot be civil in each other presence - we learnt this the hard way at our wedding.
Hence when we decided not to do a big party, but also, not everyone has to have a big birthday party

By the way, I did suggest another date (next week) but she did not respond

I didn’t mention a big birthday party. Just a family gathering with wider family including grandparents.

If MIL and FIL can’t get on, then the natural thing would be to ask one of them to drop in in the morning, the other in the afternoon.

If you have decided to have a weekend away instead, then at least I would have told MIL (and FIL and your parents) so they know you are departing from the norm.

You have not addressed this. Nor the suggestion that you/your DH might have let them know when they could come to say happy birthday to their GC.

That’s quite a drip feed.

I assume that that invitation was extended only after you’d told her (a) you had other plans which excluded her; and (b) it was inconvenient (!!) for her to visit.

She was probably pretty hurt at that point. It would have been so much kinder to have made the invitation ahead of time, rather than treating her as an (unwelcome) afterthought.

Just continue doing what you feel is reasonable and fair OP.
For me, in your position that would mean I'd carry on sending pictures (very little trouble to me) and I'd agree to the visits that fit in with our plans. I wouldn't expect responses, nor would I let it bother me if I were 'blamed' as I couldn't control what she thought, so why bother.
I'd not be making a point about it being her sons responsibility or withdrawing my contact because of the principle, as in truth I'd not want another woman to lose out because her son didn't do what he should. But that's just me. I get the other side to that.
If you do what you feel is right, it doesn't matter what she thinks. You'll know you're not in the wrong.

I'm no contact with my mother (for good reason) my DH supports me in this whole heartedly. MIL on the other hand communicates with my mother and sends on photos. I don't say anything much on this, but I do censor the conversations I have with MIL, it does feel like a betrayal but don't like to dictate other people's choices and relationships to them (no prior friendship or association between my mother and MIL - they live 4 hours apart).

If you're DH doesn't want a relationship with his mother then he will have some very strong reasons, as his spouse you should have his back on this and not undermine him and interfere. I'm surprised your DH hasn't had words with you about this.

Your need to step away, leave things to your DH and except that he may choose no relationship between his mother and his child. Then you can support your DH with the inevitable difficulty conversations with DC when they ask why their DF doesn't see their mother anyone, and why was she 'mean' to their DF, did she love him etc. (My DD is 5 and these questions come out randomly in the car sometimes and catch me off guard.

MIL and FIL both live 1-2 hours away, they cannot simply just drop by in the morning and then in the afternoon.

the alternative date I recommended was in the reply I sent to her after telling her we had plans.
she then ignored this and didn’t respond until a week later

Yes, but that doesn’t address why you didn’t proactively invite her to come and celebrate your child’s birthday in some form before you told her she was an inconvenience.

Obviously you’re defensive about this but if you try to stand back and be a bit more dispassionate the truth is that your MIL was treated like an afterthought and is hurt.

I agree that it should be your DH’s responsibility to manage this relationship but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t justified in feeling upset. It could and should have been handled more kindly.

You need to step back from this relationship, leave it to dh. Your MiL ignores you until she wants something, if all the communication is one way until she wants something then she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get it you need toblock her.

What happened at the wedding between her and fil

Drip feed reply !!!

@YoDood

Based on knowledge of this kind of dynamic ...

MIL and FIL separated, he moved on she didn't and they cant be civil and need to one up eachother. She must be the favourite. You don't play favourites and she had this grand plan of messaging day before to come over so you don't have the chance to extend invitation to FIL or your parents so she can turn up and take loads of pics to plaster around about being the only grandparent to spend 1st birthday with grandchild and staying over etc. She feels big fancy and important. You didn't go along with her plan, you offered a date she didn't want so she's sulking.

Just disengage there is a reason DH has. If she messages you tell her she needs to arrange with her son. If she says he doesn't reply, tell her you're the DCs mother not his so she needs to take that up with him too.

What a load of tosh @YoDood grandparents are not entitled to spend time with GC when it suits them. Why should OP bend over backwards to accommodate disorganize MIL who has zero respect for their wishes/time. It's not OP or GCs fault that GP are divorced and can't be in the same room together. I wouldn't be having 2 parties one morning & one in the afternoon - either GP get along like adults for the sake of GC or don't bother coming. Most kids can't handle 2 parties/gatherings in a day, that's not fair.
MIL asked at very short notice - OP had already made other plans on advance - completely reasonable. She also suggested am alternative day. What more could she have done. We took our 1 year old away for his birthday. As his parents that was our choice, we had a lovely time. I don't feel obligated to throw a family gathering, PIL do not live close by so it would mean hosting which would detract from having quality family time with my son.

Also agree with @ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen i have a MIL like that, divorced 15 years ago, can't be in same room as FIL. Makes everything about her and the GC, ultra competitive about being 'top GP' - at kids parties she spends all the time trying to get as many photos of her with the kids to prove she's "top GP", the kids get fed up with it. She has to be involved with everything, every outing. On the odd occasion she's bumped into ex H she's made a point of using the kids against him, "I see the kids all the time, they stay with me etc" it's so pathetic. And BIL have had to accommodate both sets of parents at parties morning & afternoon, complete faff.

I'd be interested in hearing from your h about why he doesn't contact his mother because you created this situation by doing the opposite to him.
By contacting her when he doesn't, it sounds like you think that he is unreasonable not to contact her. Are his reasons unreasonable or do you think that you know better than him? Sometimes there are good reasons why people don't contact their parents and would rather that they weren't in their children's lives. I am no contact with my mother and it's brilliant that my kids haven't been negatively affected by her behaviour like I was. They are happy, confident young adults.
I know that this your child's first birthday but MIL isn't unreasonable to expect some sort of family celebration or slot to see her grandchild. I know that you can't do a party because MIL and FIL don't get along but you need to consider how you're going to do this next year onwards. Once your child is old enough to have and enjoy parties, how will that work ? You're not unreasonable to go away but of course the grandparents wants to see their grandchild around the birthday. The fact that they didn't feature in your thinking (you and your h) makes me wonder if your sending photos etc has given them the wrong impression that you and your h are closer to them than you think. Maybe your h keeps her at arms length because he knows what his mum is like. You put yourself in the middle by contacting her when he does not.

Lots of odd replies. I'd just let your husband deal with her now, if she contacts you you can reply politely but I'd not be facilitating her relationships anymore. Your husband presumably knows her well and has decided he'd like to keep the relationship quite distant, I'd say he has good reason and just let it be.