AIBU to be annoyed at MIL text?

[Cloud992]

Husband doesn’t have a great relationship with mother so DC photos have always been sent by me to MIL.

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

A week later, MIL messages me being very accusatory, saying that I’m upsetting her because she couldn’t visit on DC birthday (despite us already having plans), accusing me of not sending her any DC photos / cutting communications with her when she is the one who doesn’t respond after I’ve sent her messages and photos- which, in my opinion, is very rude but I just let it slide and forget about it.

She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter?? anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this.

This has really annoyed me, why would I know? If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL.
I used to send her photos of DC spontaneously but after not responding to multiple messages, I only send them when she asks now.
I also occasionally post photos on social media which she has full access to.

AIBU?

Why are you sorting this stuff out with mil? She has a ds he can do it. I wouldn't be playing go between for their shit relationship. Let them get on with it, she doesn't sound particulary nice any way.

A Lot of you asking why I maintained a relationship behind my DH back.

so when DC was born, MIL kept asking DH to send photos of baby (which is understandable). DH asked me to send pictures as naturally I had taken more being on mat leave.
I would also send photos to FIL at the same time so that it was fair. This has been the arrangement this whole year- no issues up until now when MIL Is saying that I’ve not been sending her updates which I suspect is triggered by us having alternative plans for DC birthday. Her reply is very accusatory and I did not appreciate it. In fact she’s made DC celebrations all About her and her feelings. Again, not once did she ask if DC enjoy time away- I get DC is only 1, but you can tell if they’re happy /excited about being away from the norm.

DH is aware of the situation, and he has told me not to bother replying to her anymore.

At the end of the day, she is DCs GM and I think it’s harsh to completely exclude her from DC life. I empathise , especially as I am a mother myself now, I would be completely heart broken if my DC didn’t speak to me which is why I suggest DH to just drop a simple “how are you” message. Short and sweet. I guess this is why her message has really annoyed me because she would have no relationship with DH or DC at all if I didn’t keep some sort of communication.

OP it's still unclear why he doesn't text her. He might not have photos but he can still talk to her? Or is he fully aware that she's very entitled so doesn't text as a coping mechanism?

It sounds like you and your h need a plan about how to tackle Christmases, birthdays and other special occasions. It also sounds inevitable that someone is going to have to tackle the tricky conversation about FIL and MIL having to suck up their feelings if they want to be included on special days.

In all honesty, when I ask DH about it he ends up getting annoyed and asks me not to talk about her.
they’re relationship has never been great but in the last 6 months I would say he’s been more assertive and adamant that he doesn’t like her being bright up (E.g your mother messaged me today saying x, y, z).
As he is my DH I have respected his decision

Don’t force your DH to have a relationship. It sounds like there is some issue he doesn’t want to engage on with her, so let him lead the contact and go LC if that’s what he wants. I regret trying ti make my DH have a relationship with his (I now see abusive) parents when he wanted to go completely NC.

Just read your updates your DH wants to go LC or NC for his own reasons. Please support him in that and don’t force his contact with her.

At the end of the day, she is DCs GM and I think it’s harsh to completely exclude her from DC life. I empathise , especially as I am a mother myself now, I would be completely heart broken if my DC didn’t speak to me which is why I suggest DH to just drop a simple “how are you” message. Short and sweet. I guess this is why her message has really annoyed me because she would have no relationship with DH or DC at all if I didn’t keep some sort of communication.

As a daughter yourself, how bad would it need to be to voluntarily make yourself motherless by going no contact with your mother. As a mother yourself would you ever treat you child that way?

I look at my DD sometimes and can't understand how and why my mother behaved the way she did towards me, it's so bizarre and abstract, and I was the one who experienced it. You will never really be able understand what went on between your DH and your MIL, but disregarding what your DH feels and the decisions he makes based on his experiences will not impact well in your marriage.

You need to step back.

@YoDood Norm for who? I have 3 children and didn't have a family 1st birthday for any of them -nothing is the norm! You are obviously not reading the thread at all! There are some very odd comments on here - Grandparents are not always nice and loving!!!

If he doesn't want to engage with his dm that's fine, if you want the dc to have relationship with her then you'll have to sort it out, but tbh I'd do the very least I needed to.

The offer of another day should have been made on the first reply saying it wasn't convenient though that's normal and polite....sorry where away until Sunday can we make it.....days...

So is it really that they don't get on or that oh is happy to dump the job on you....I'd explain to mil now he's growing I don't seem to take so many pictures and the days fly past.

If he doesn't want to contact his mother but you do, then you have volunteered to be the person in the middle passing on messages etc
I'm going to guess that you have a great (normal) relationship with your parents so don't understand why your h is happy to be distant from his mother and think that you can bridge that gap. By any chance do you believe that kids should know their grandparents no matter what too? It's hard to explain to someone with a good (normal) parental
relationship why it might not be for the best that your mum is closely involved.

My personal experience of a difficult mother is that I accept that she will not change and does not see the need to change so I need to take her or leave her as she is. After a lifetime of crap I have left her and no regrets. No contact ends the cycle of abuse and dysfunction with my generation.

@Cloud992 I’d put my husband’s feelings first and support him over his mother. Drop the rope, and follow his lead on this one. He knows her better than you.

@Cloud992 - I honestly think that in the situation you find yourself in, your damned if you do and if you don't.

Fair enough, you didn't mention in your opening post that an alternative had been suggested to your MiL but even with that on the table, she didn't reply to your message except to make your DS's birthday and your trip away for that all about her.

My honest suggestion would be to follow your Dh's lead when it comes to his parents and communicating with them. Send your MiL a link to some photos of your DS but your under no obligation to send her any of you or your DH with your DS.

If you wanted to, on your own time (I don't think I'd involve DH on this) you could arrange to have a set time where you and your DS and your MiL get together. That's entirely your choice.

I don't think you did anything wrong in relation to your DS's birthday though.

Some of this is on you. Your husband has put boundaries in place with his mother, but you keep trying to force something that he doesn't want. Back off. Stop putting yourself in the middle and you won't be in the middle. When she texts you, tell her she needs to discuss it with dh. Do not elaborate, just use the same words over and over until she gets the message.

Sounds like classic blame the DIL because MIL can’t have everything her way. If you let her blame you this will be the pattern of your life, believe me, I know.
Let your DH deal with her from now on, if he want to be low contact with her then respect his decision. I wish I’d been led by my DH sooner, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

thank you for all the replies

I just want to clarify that I do not force my DH to do anything. I have not gone behind DH back because he has asked me to send his DM photos.
As @BoohooWoohoo has correctly pointed out, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and always have done. So to see my DH ignore MIL just makes me empathise and feel sorry for her, which is why I suggest causally “drop her a quick message”

MIL has involved me in this by asking why DH is not contacting her, so placing the blame on me.
In the past , she has cried, continuously messaged and tried to continuously call DH on the phone (one time it was at 3am before we had SC- who does this? We had work the next day). The pattern is, the more DH ignores her, the more needy she becomes.

@LookItsMeAgain is right , I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

But this is exactly the problem. You have a good relationship with your (probably fairly normal) parents so you don't understand your DH. As you said yourself "who does this?" She does. Your parents wouldn't in a million years but she does. This is why he doesn't contact her because its full of guilt tripping, hysterics and drama. This treatment she is giving you he's had his whole life, and he doesn't want it anymore so he doesn't speak to her.

They get more needy to a certain extent then they sulk silently, but the silence is golden after the neediness. If you don't contact it stays quiet. You reopen the door and you have to go through the full cycle again. You realise you wish you hadn't bothered and maintained the silence. Your DH has done the cycle too many times, he's done. He ignores her. As you realise what she is like you should do the same.

She may be your childs grandparent, but being related to someone doesn't give you the right to treat them badly. She has treated your DH badly, now you. She hasn't even asked after DC and their birthday, it was all about her getting what she wanted. No card. Your DC is only 1 so they're too young to understand and get hurt, they won't be forever. No relationship or a very limited one is better than a bad one.

Just drop the rope and stay out of it entirely.

Your Dh has clearly communicated his relationship with his dm to you.
And you continue to 'casually tell him to message'
Nope. Stop 'casually telling him to message'

And tbh if she were a better mum she'd know how to be a better grandma. Stop putting yourself in the middle. I wouldn't reply to someone who treats you the way she has. And this is why your Dh isn't interested.

Ask Dh what relationship he wants with her, and what he wants for the dc. Then follow his lead

Thank you for your advice and opinions everyone.
its great to get a different perspective from all of you :)

I don’t think you’re reading some of the replies @Cloud992 Yoi have a great relationship with your parents and want your DH to be the same. But he’s been telling you he wants LC and is putting boundaries in place and your MIL is showing the behaviour why. For whatever reason he doesn’t want contact support him in this. You’ve ignored all the posts saying this as you want the same wonderful relationship you have. She sounds toxic

I haven’t ignored the posts, I’ve actually had a chat with DH tonight to see what he is trying to gain by ignoring messages/ contact and it’s the first time he has told me he wants to cut her off.

I will be taking on advice that if MIL messaged me, I will direct her back to DH and keep out of things, especially as my efforts have not been appreciated - so as some of you have said, why bother

whether these posts are critical or non critical of my original post, I see it as a way to gain perspective from others which is good to use to self reflect :)

It's good that your h opened up to you and that you're listening to what he's saying.