AIBU to be annoyed at MIL text?

[Cloud992]

Husband doesn’t have a great relationship with mother so DC photos have always been sent by me to MIL.

MIL recently asked to visit on DC birthday (- she asked a day or two before) but we already had other plans arranged in advance so I explained that visiting wouldn’t be convenient for us around that date unfortunately.

A week later, MIL messages me being very accusatory, saying that I’m upsetting her because she couldn’t visit on DC birthday (despite us already having plans), accusing me of not sending her any DC photos / cutting communications with her when she is the one who doesn’t respond after I’ve sent her messages and photos- which, in my opinion, is very rude but I just let it slide and forget about it.

She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter?? anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this.

This has really annoyed me, why would I know? If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL.
I used to send her photos of DC spontaneously but after not responding to multiple messages, I only send them when she asks now.
I also occasionally post photos on social media which she has full access to.

AIBU?

Who said I was joking? @Cloud992‘s dh makes seemingly zero effort toward his mother, I doubt he’s going to suddenly start now.

I see no reason why the OP should continue to make effort with someone who has repeatedly shown they don’t respect her.

Not all the older generation are good at text etiquette.

Did your parents see your DC for their birthday?
Does your DC know their grandma wanted to see them?
Did it not occur to you to facilitate family being part of your DC’s birthday?
Did you offer an alternative date close to the birthday?
Would it suit you to have a fall out with your MIL?

There is a lot of MIL hate on MN, you will get a lot of people here supporting you in your belief she was unreasonable and you did nothing wrong. I don’t agree with them. Try and look at this from your MIL’s perspective. She had a child she loved and cared for, he married and now barely bothers with her. She loves her grandchild(ren) but feels unimportant in their life (lives). How would you feel if in a few short years that was the situation between you and your DC and any grandchildren? You have all the power in this situation, unless there’s something you haven’t told us your MIL doesn’t deserve how she’s being treated and her son is very lazy and uncaring towards her. Poor woman. I hope you will go forward with more compassion.

Yes it's a very odd way to answer anyone other than a business you would just say you were out at a birthday treat and suggest a day or two later not just the passive fuck off in that text.

DGM asked before the birthday if she could come ,She was met with a cold reply of it being inconvenient but yet no alternative date arranged. Surely between the 2 parents they could organise a later day and time ! But they didn’t . Out of spite . That’s what upset DGM . Basically they told her to take a hike . Wonderful behaviour.

If you really did respond to your MIL in such a manner I can understand why she is upset at having been dismissed to abruptly. At the time you explained it was not convenient for you around that date did you put forward any alternate dates that you could possibly fit her in?

Of course she messaged you if her own son doesn't bother to message her because you are her normal line of contact. If she suddenly messaged her son to express her dismay you would probably complain that she had gone off to complain to him.

Why not just say that it was unfortunate you hadn't realised she wanted to visit earlier and had made other plans. Are you free to visit on x date and we can make that a little family celebration.

Is it really worth a big fallout because she is disappointed about not seeing her GC when you hear of so many grandparents on here who don't want anything to do with GC?

How you deal with this will potentially set the tone of the relationship going forward.

And now you know why your dh doesn’t bother with her don’t you?

Classic mistake, her own ds doesn’t want much to do with her so you decided to keep communication open and now your the bad guy.

I don’t see my parents, if my dh had kept in touch I would’ve felt undermined. You dont have to text your mum if you don’t want to.

Drop the rope and stop trying to be a peacemaker.

But I expect you have a more regular relationship. And you would probably agree something more than 48 hours in advance.

I always try to include MIL around birthdays

Whether it's the day or weekend preceding or following

They don't necessarily need to disrupt plans

To me it sounds like she has no idea that dh “doesn’t have a great relationship with her”. It’s time for him to do some talking and find a way forward

Tell your husband to deal with HIS mother as you do not need the stress of it.

Stop being forced into a wife role that you have zero interest in.

Do not accept his refusal.

HIS mother is giving you grief about him.

TELL him to deal with it.

My ils never had my phone number.. Made for a simpler life. Forward her texts to dh then block her.

Was it really not possible for her to see dc on their birthday even for a short while? You couldn't possibly have worked something out?

Other than that, I'd just let dh deal with her.

"If anything I try to encourage a better relationship between DH and MIL"

Why given that your H does not get along with her anyway?. There are reasons why that is the case but this has never been your problem to fix; not that you have managed to do this anyway. He's also known her far longer than you have and knows full well what she is like. You've probably also come from a nice and importantly, an emotionally healthy, family; your DH has not been so lucky.

As FormerlyPathologicallyHappy wrote-
"Classic mistake, her own ds doesn’t want much to do with her so you decided to keep communication open and now your the bad guy".

Block her?

🤣

I didn’t read any passive fuck off 🤷‍♀️

We’ve also no idea what the actual text said or how it was constructed, we just know OP explained it wasn’t a good time and granny kicks off. She could have offered a better time, but then so could granny, she didn’t need to launch into a tirade about woe is me you’re stopping me seeing the kids etc. This is a woman who doesn’t even reply when OP sends the updates she’s so incredibly desperate for, but yes paint her as the victim 😂

I don't have MIL's number. I do not need another job when DH is perfectly capable.

Dh therefore arranges all MIL's visits. All of them.

I can't believe some posters are blaming you when you have gone above and beyond.

Clouds

re your comment in your initial post re your MIL that i have separated out

"She goes on to say that she doesn’t understand why my DH is not messaging her… why is she blaming me for the latter??

She knows full well why her son has cut her out. She is blaming you because she can and apart from anything else you've gone and put your own self in her firing line. You now need to distance yourself from her too. The road to hell is paved with good intentions after all. Not all relatives are nice and kind by any means and you're seeing another side to his mother that she kept well hidden from you till now.

"anyhow, Ive kept calm and suggested she should message DH instead of me for more answers regarding this".

She in all likelihood will not do this. Have you and your H actually sat down and had a frank conversation about his mother at all?. Where's his dad here; I ask only as he is not mentioned.

If my DMIL had attempted to make arrangements to visit her DGC on their Birthday and we'd arranged something else I would have suggested other dates. Surely it goes 'Oh sorry, we're going to the zoo and leaving really early that day and won't be home until late. What about coming for tea the day before?'

I broadly agree with this, depending on how your interactions go generally and what the (spoken or not) deal is about the GC. I have an awful relationship with my parents and would reply to something like that with “The day itself is looking really busy, I’m sorry. Let’s meet in the park on (next day) for an hour?” Or whatever. I’d rather have control and an exit.

Completely agree with others.

Why are you sticking your nose into your husbands relationship with his mother?

Nothing to do with you.

You have brought this on yourself.

Tell him it is on him to sort out any contact from now on.

Can I come over and bring X a birthday gift? No it's not convenient.....with no follow up how about we meet up next ....is a passive fuck off I'm not interested ....if you don't know the person fair enough but family no not right ....it's also really formal shut you down stuff like your doing a business call unless your lady so and so nobody talks to family that formally.

“Did your parents see your DC for their birthday?
Does your DC know their grandma wanted to see them?
Did it not occur to you to facilitate family being part of your DC’s birthday?
Did you offer an alternative date close to the birthday?
Would it suit you to have a fall out with your MIL?

There is a lot of MIL hate on MN, you will get a lot of people here supporting you in your belief she was unreasonable and you did nothing wrong. I don’t agree with them. Try and look at this from your MIL’s perspective. She had a child she loved and cared for, he married and now barely bothers with her. She loves her grandchild(ren) but feels unimportant in their life (lives). How would you feel if in a few short years that was the situation between you and your DC and any grandchildren? You have all the power in this situation, unless there’s something you haven’t told us your MIL doesn’t deserve how she’s being treated and her son is very lazy and uncaring towards her. Poor woman. I hope you will go forward with more compassion.”

This.

Why are you even bothering to message her if your husband doesn’t? She’s his mother. It’s not your job to facilitate contact

I left plans for ils to dh. He wanted to see them. I gave no fuck if I did! They came over every Monday. At 8.20 am. If they turned up ohwjr days I kept to may plans. Taking dc with me if they figured in those plans. Dh could explain why we weren't in if he had arranged it.

Perhaps there's a reason DH doesn't have more contact with his mother.

Surely that's a lot more likely than him just deciding he won't bother with her and will leave all comms to his wife, if she's a lovely mother and MIL.