About to move in with boyfriend but I have feelings for someone else

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Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I am 35 and have been dating a great man who is madly in love with me for 1.5 years. Our relationship is comforting, supportive, serene and loving. He is a great partner to me and wants to build a life with me. We talked about moving in together last March. Then after seeing a few places, I told him I didn't feel ready to take that step and he agreed to put the idea to rest for a while. He is now talking about seeing some places after the Summer to move in together in Autumn. I know he is eager to take our relationship to the next level.

However, I have a mad crush on a colleague I work very closely with. From the day we started working together 2 years ago, I felt like he and I had a one-in-a-lifetime connection, we are so alike and understand each other in ways no one else does. I cannot get him out of my head, I literally think about him 24/7 and fantasize about an imaginary future together. My feelings have intensified in the last 6 months.

He is single and to be honest I think he might also be attracted to me, just based on the vibes that I sometimes got from him. Of course none of us has ever crossed that line because 1) we work together and 2) I am not single. We are very friendly but absolutely professional at work.

So my conundrum is: what do I do? Do I move in with my lovely partner who wants to build a life with me? Or is the fact that I have this other crush an indication of the fact that I am not happy with my partner? I cannot make sense of my feelings, I don't want to be unfair to my boyfriend and I am so confused.

Thank you for your advice

I've been in a version of your situation, except that I did already have young and teenage DCs. It's the curse of the mid to late 30s single woman IMO, wondering if you should "grow up" and settle for the sort of guy you should want, versus running after the off-the-scale sexy colleague/acquaintance guy who's up for flirtation but (at the risk of projecting too much) will run a mile once he sees you've caught feelings. (Yes, a colleague won't literally run a mile from you, but he can treat you with such mortifying coldness and aversion that you'll wish he'd run many miles and not come back.)

Basically, a very very intense crush on an acquaintance was at least in part a result of having the Ick with my then DP, which I'd previously been in denial about. I handled the situation extremely badly - mentionitis before I was even consciously aware of the feelings for OM gave the game away and the relationship limped on for a few months before I ended it on a pretext. In reality, I had plenty of reasons to leave, but I couldn't have articulated them because I'd always been treated so badly in the past that I felt I should be grateful for someone who was fundamentally respectful and kind, and that I should try to smooth over the obvious incompatibilities. I'm not proud of how I behaved, and in the initial shock of alone-ness I regretted dumping him, while realising that it had been inevitable. However, once a few weeks or months had passed, I was thankful that I no longer had to pretend to be attracted to someone I wasn't or deal with his idiosyncrasies/chronic illness/rigid thinking/Faragist relatives etc etc. Sometimes a memory comes back and, rather than feeling guilty that I wasn't good enough for him (as I felt during the intensity of the crush) I wonder how I ever put up with that man, even given his genius level IQ and lack of any maliciousness whatsoever.

I never did anything about the OM. His gf picked up on something between us, read him the riot act, and then he wouldn't speak to me if she was around. Alone, he'd be polite but very guarded. This non-development of what most people would class as a non-relationship in no way makes me feel bad about leaving XDP. I left because the situation had become untenable, and if Crush Guy hadn't unwittingly forced the issue, some other crisis would have done. OP, do what I did - leave your DP, the Ick is present and will only get stronger - but please do it with more dignity and self-awareness than I did! Also, your crush may be more willing than mine was - or not - but I don't think this has much bearing on the viability of a relationship with someone you're not in love with/attracted to. If Hot Colleague had never existed, there would have been someone else, or some other crisis that made you re-evaluate your priorities. Leave now before it gets too messy and figure out how you can achieve your life goals without him. Good luck!

He makes me very happy in many ways sounds a bit lukewarm though!

I'd be asking yourself what the guy at work represents. It's something missing from your current relationship. Does that matter? Is it likely to get better, or worse, with time?

I’ve PM’d you ☺️

And if that’s the case then she shouldn’t be with either. There are more than two men in the world.

I've been in this situation op and I've been seeing my ex colleague for two years.

I don’t think anyone has mentioned limerence.

Which category would you place your crush and your boyfriend in?

Look limerence up. It sometimes can rear it’s head under emotional pressure - you said you felt a bit of emotional pressure about the next stage of your relationship moving in.

Could it be this?

End the relationship with your boyfriend because he is obviously not the right person for you if you are so easily distracted by another man.

Wether the other guy is interested or not is almost irrelevant, it is about the fact that you are obviously no that into your partner if you are that obsessed about someone else...your boyfriend deserves better than that.

Don't stay with a guy because he ticks all the boxes from a practical point of view if deep down you know that this is not the relationship/man you really want.

Oooooooohhhhhh!!!!!!!!

How did it work out?

Everyone's very keen to insist that the grass can never be greener. But can it?!

I once read, if you fall in love with two people, choose the second, if you really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second. Something to think about - appreciate you're not in love with your colleague though.

How would you feel if the new bloke was to do to you what you want to do to your current bf

Don't do it to him and put any future children first

@Alcemeg so far so good, I'm very happy

You've not moved in with your boyfriend, your colleague must know this. If he was really really into you he would be fighting for you, not running the risk of your other relationship escalating.
He's a waste of time but clearly you're not that into your boyfriend otherwise you would have jumped at the chance of setting up a home with him sharpish last year.