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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

About to move in with boyfriend but I have feelings for someone else

62 replies

NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 18/08/2023 14:47

Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I am 35 and have been dating a great man who is madly in love with me for 1.5 years. Our relationship is comforting, supportive, serene and loving. He is a great partner to me and wants to build a life with me. We talked about moving in together last March. Then after seeing a few places, I told him I didn't feel ready to take that step and he agreed to put the idea to rest for a while. He is now talking about seeing some places after the Summer to move in together in Autumn. I know he is eager to take our relationship to the next level.

However, I have a mad crush on a colleague I work very closely with. From the day we started working together 2 years ago, I felt like he and I had a one-in-a-lifetime connection, we are so alike and understand each other in ways no one else does. I cannot get him out of my head, I literally think about him 24/7 and fantasize about an imaginary future together. My feelings have intensified in the last 6 months.

He is single and to be honest I think he might also be attracted to me, just based on the vibes that I sometimes got from him. Of course none of us has ever crossed that line because 1) we work together and 2) I am not single. We are very friendly but absolutely professional at work.

So my conundrum is: what do I do? Do I move in with my lovely partner who wants to build a life with me? Or is the fact that I have this other crush an indication of the fact that I am not happy with my partner? I cannot make sense of my feelings, I don't want to be unfair to my boyfriend and I am so confused.

Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

Poppyblush · 18/08/2023 19:30

End it with the boyfriend as you’re being really unfair.

TotalOverhaul · 18/08/2023 19:33

Split up with your boyfriend. Ask out the crush. Behave with a bit of moral decency and agency. You are not twelve.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2023 19:35

NP101 · 18/08/2023 16:52

If you want a family and loving relationship I would stick with your current boyfriend. What makes a long lasting relationship is often not the same things that attracts us initially.

So she can just keep imagining the other dude when they're having sex on their wedding night and TTC? Until the works do with too much sambucca and she ends up on a cupboard with the work guy.

Sorry OP, not fair to keep stringing him along in case he's your only chance of fresh sperm.

MNetcurtains · 19/08/2023 08:18

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 17:04

Kinda obvious you and @MNetcurtains are the same people but changed username 🤣

Show quote history

Nope. Don't know why you would think that.

OnlineExxxcitement · 19/08/2023 08:27

I feel like you're getting bad a rep OP. You're allowed to have a crush, it's not something you can help? What is your gut telling you to do? It is a big risk that this new guy may or may not be interested. If work guy wasn't around would you be satisfied - long term - with your current partner? Someone can be perfect but just not full what we need and that's OK. You don't have to settle or feel grateful for what you have.

Chickentikka567 · 19/08/2023 08:33

Irrelevant but you can no longer change usernames on the same thread.

Sarah5q · 19/08/2023 08:35

One thing that stands out for me is that you say your partner is completely in love with you, not that you're completely in love with my partner.

When I think about it, I'd be devastated and leave my partner if I happened to come across a post in which he simply says "she is completely in love with me", but doesn't express his love.

If anything, it highlights the power imbalance - that you have more power and control over this relationship than him as he has no idea that he is in competition with another man.

Sarah5q · 19/08/2023 08:35

*completely in love with your partner

Didimum · 19/08/2023 08:41

I think you’re deluded about your colleague crush, but you should definitely break up with your boyfriend ASAP. The poor man deserves so much better – why would you even consider taking away his chance of being with someone right for him? You’re completely thinking of only yourself.

abyssofwoah · 19/08/2023 08:54

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here OP, it’s not your fault you have these feelings, it happens. But you are in an untenable situation and it’s not fair to your partner. You have two options:

End it with the partner and pursue the work guy. Accept that it might not happen, but big risk, big reward.
Fully commit to the partner and end the working relationship, avoiding all contact - whether this means getting a transfer or getting a new job. You can’t have your cake and eat it. This may lead to regrets, or it may lead to a deepening of your relationship and space to think about building a future and a family together, if things work out over time.

You do have to make a decision though, and it’s not just whether or not to move in with your partner.

Wouldyouguess · 19/08/2023 08:55

The dude from work is probably- you fancy him because you dont have him. Life together, eating, cleaning, may not be that exciting.
But it is unfair to continue your current relatioship if you dont love your partner.
I thi nkyou want to have your cake and eat it, so you dont want to be single and would prefer work guy to make a move so you will not end up with nothing, so you want all options open. But it does not work that way,if yo uwant to tey worg guy, you need to rosk it, break it with your boyfriend and then may end up with nothing- or something, who knows.

Alcemeg · 19/08/2023 09:24

Sarah5q · 19/08/2023 08:35

One thing that stands out for me is that you say your partner is completely in love with you, not that you're completely in love with my partner.

When I think about it, I'd be devastated and leave my partner if I happened to come across a post in which he simply says "she is completely in love with me", but doesn't express his love.

If anything, it highlights the power imbalance - that you have more power and control over this relationship than him as he has no idea that he is in competition with another man.

I agree with this, up to the bit where you say it shows the power imbalance. To me, it sounds as though OP is letting her current partner call the shots, and only just asserting herself in terms of delaying living together etc.

Might have got the wrong end of the stick, but I got into a lot of trouble over the years being hardwired to give people what they seemed to expect from me. So if someone declared undying love for me, even if they were a wanker, I kind of rolled over and thought "OK then, so I'd better do my best to put him on a pedestal for the rest of my life." The decision was made: he was my partner, because he told me he was.

I exaggerate a bit, of course. But not much!

OP, in your situation I'd close things with your current partner. Then maybe have a fling with the guy at work, if available. See how it works out. Might be great, might not be. Have another job up your sleeve just in case!! 😜

Sarah5q · 19/08/2023 09:30

@Alcemeg but I'm sure if a man wrote the same about having a huge crush on his colleague and how his partner is completely in love with his, you wouldn't be quite so blase' about it?

I don't see how he's calling the shots by asking to move in with her? My partner and I moved in together last year. He had wanted to move in much earlier than I did but I just told I'm not ready yet and we waited until we were both ready.
There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to move in together, it's not as if he's holding her at gun point and forcing her to buy a house, he's asking and she can easily say no. Which I hope she does as she clearly does not love this man very much.

Alcemeg · 19/08/2023 09:37

@Sarah5q but that's my point, really! She talks about his feelings for her, as though that trumps everything. It's very passive. No mention of her feelings for him, like it's sort of irrelevant.

Of course I'm probably projecting way too much of myself into this 😜 only OP can tell!

Original poster

NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 19/08/2023 09:42

Alcemeg · 19/08/2023 09:37

@Sarah5q but that's my point, really! She talks about his feelings for her, as though that trumps everything. It's very passive. No mention of her feelings for him, like it's sort of irrelevant.

Of course I'm probably projecting way too much of myself into this 😜 only OP can tell!

You are right, I didn't word my OP very well. Of course I love my partner, he is a wonderful person and partner. He makes me very happy in many ways.

My feelings for him may be less passionate than my feelings for colleague, but possibly more conducive of a long-term life partnership? That is what I am trying to clarify in my head.

OP posts:

Roselee1 · 19/08/2023 09:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 19/08/2023 09:43

Thank you everyone for your advice so far. I clearly have a lot of thinking to do

OP posts:

TroysMammy · 19/08/2023 09:46

Why did you start a relationship with your boyfriend 6 months after developing a crush on your work colleague?

Sandra1984 · 19/08/2023 09:51

You need to decide what’s more important to you: your boyfriend and all the things that come with it or exploring things with colleague. What I’m getting from your post is that your BF looks great on paper but is not exciting, at least you don’t sound excited about him, you’re moving in because he ticks the right boxes and is madly in love with you but you sound bored as a fish 🐠

MilkofMagnesia · 19/08/2023 09:51

Your boyfriend deserves better, do not do this to him.

Sort out your head and if you can’t then break up with him.

Blottingpaperscript · 19/08/2023 10:42

I think you are getting bashed here rather unfairly- you are human and can't help having feelings. Anyone even in a long term successful marriage can catch feelings for someone else. It's biology after all- natures way of keeping the species going. It's what you do with it that counts. Also depends on your upbringing. I was raised with the idea of romance and Disney style fantasy in relationships as my mother married her first love. But it's not real and I had a hell of a shock when my first true love relationship ended and didn't transform into married bliss. It's a hard thing to shake off and has affected me for a long time. Eventually I met DH who is like your boyfriend- totally different to the fantasy style relationship I was brought up to believe was it. But it's stable and loving and great. I think a lot of MN is caught up in modern views of romance in relationships which in my view doesn't match up to reality. The world would grind to a halt if we were all as head over heels in passionate love with our spouses as MN would have you believe we should be. (And DH is totally on board with my realistic view and shares it!). I think your boyfriend sounds like the healthiest choice - love is a decision and actions not feelings, so if your choose to love him then I don't see any issues. It sounds like he's in the hormonal rush stage at the minute where you are concerned!

Chickentikka567 · 19/08/2023 10:53

This is AIBU so unfortunately you will get torn to pieces by many posters.

yellowsmileyface · 19/08/2023 11:04

It's normal to have crushes and be attracted to other people whilst in a relationship.

However, it sounds like what you're feeling is more like limerence than just a crush. You've built him up in your head as being someone who's perfect for you, even though you couldn't possibly know that just as colleagues. This suggests to me that there's something missing in your current relationship, and your mind is sort of overcompensating by fantasizing that this colleague could give you whatever's missing.

My feeling is it isn't fair to your boyfriend to continue the relationship. If you're obsessively thinking about someone else during the moving in stage, it doesn't bode well for your future. Even if you got a new job and got over your current crush, I suspect you'd find someone else to crush on, because I don't think it's really about the colleague, I think your heart just isn't in your current relationship.

Namechange666 · 19/08/2023 11:04

Dump the boyfriend try with the new guy.

Blunt I know but you're getting cold feet moving in and you have feelings for som else. He isn't for you clearly.

Original poster

NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 19/08/2023 11:42

Chickentikka567 · 19/08/2023 10:53

This is AIBU so unfortunately you will get torn to pieces by many posters.

I thought I posted in Relationships?

OP posts:

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