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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your give you the silent treatment?

143 replies

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:16

My dh hasn’t spoken to me or our 17 year old since Monday. Not even to congratulate her on her as results today.

He yelled at her in the airport on Monday for asking a perfectly reasonable question. I defended her and told him not to speak to either of us like that.he Went off on one and drove at 125-130 mph on the way home. Has been banging doors, throwing bags about etc since.

Have had the silent treatment before from him but this is the first he’s directed it at her and done the mad driving.

we've been together 18 years.

any thoughts? I’ve tried to be as balanced as possible here

OP posts:
somethinghastochangesoon · 17/08/2023 21:30

Ex DH used to do this to me. I left once he did it to dd.

He's being a prick

TMess · 17/08/2023 21:34

Never. Exactly 0 times.

and I’ll add that one of my parents was a phenomenal parent in every other way except being prone to the silent treatment and it still damaged me. My first few boyfriends were emotionally abusive and I still get nervous when my husband is quiet (due to tiredness or simply not having anything to say at the moment) and start scanning the past few hours for what I “did wrong” even though my logical brain knows he would never behave like that. You need to show your dd that this is unacceptable behavior.

NualaG · 17/08/2023 21:40

Emotionally abusive man. Not to congratulate his child. Out the door mate and take your shitting 8 year old personality with you.

foolishone · 17/08/2023 21:42

If your husband insists on continuing with this pathetic behaviour, I'd insist he does it elsewhere. He's not welcome in the house until he can stop being a twat.

To answer your question, my partner has never done this and wouldn't because it's childish at best and usually abusive.

Original poster
Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 21:44

Thanks for your responses everyone

OP posts:
samqueens · 17/08/2023 21:45

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? (You can download - read discreetly)

then you’ll know what you’re dealing with…

NovacDino · 17/08/2023 21:46

Never. Not once. We barely have cross words with each other and we know how to disagree kindly. I wouldn't stand for that behaviour personally.

truthhurts23 · 17/08/2023 21:49

your dh is a narcissist , please read about narcissistic abuse so you can learn his behaviours, silent treatment is their favourite weapon,

I recognise the crazy driving thing too, its all about control ,
he's drives fast to scare you into submission
whenever you assert yourself or have boundaries, he will tear them down because it offends him

Weapons of Narcissist Pt 3: The Silent Treatment

Narcissists use the silent treatment to regain their authority and take back the control in the relationship that they think they've lost. The result is very...

https://youtu.be/WGjqkkig3p4

DiaNaranja · 17/08/2023 21:52

Never... because he's not a stroppy, hormonal, 12 year old girl.

FoodFann · 17/08/2023 21:56

Never. And driving at 130mph would be a quick way to divorce in my house. I wouldn’t stand for DH risking mine and my child’s life

TheDogsMother · 17/08/2023 21:57

Never ever. It's a form of abuse.

doodleZ1 · 17/08/2023 22:00

Could he be trying to get you to be the bad guy here, to leave him? Hes not spoken to you in 3 days and hes not congratulated his daughter on her exam results. Thats hardcore stuff and not normal from a loving spouse. It will also stay with your daughter for the rest of her life. Dont doubt that. Ive never had the silent treatment from my husband and yes it is abuse. You say this started at the airport so were you on holiday and were there no signs of issues during that? Honestly if my husband ignored me for 3 hours I would be out the door, let alone 3 days. He should need you and love you as much as you need and love him. This guy is trying to teach you a lesson and the speeding is him trying to make some point even quicker. Look what you made me do. If your daughter married someone like this what would your advice be to her? You know its not normal dont you?

Greenfishy · 17/08/2023 22:03

MBailey99 · 17/08/2023 20:21

Silent treatment is abuse.
Driving fast to scare you is abuse.
Being aggressive with inanimate objects is abuse.
All of the above are common tactics used by abusers.
I advise speaking to women's aid as I'm sure your list is a lot longer than what you've just told us.
We are all here for you.

All of this.

And to answer your question - never. My abusive ex did though.

Squishmallowy · 17/08/2023 22:04

My partner used to give me the silent treatment from time to time after we had been together for a while. I think it’s behaviour he learned from his mother who has form for not taking to people for months on end and has done it to him before.

It came to a head and I explained to him that i couldn’t be with him anymore because of it.
and sent him some links to info on stonewalling and how abusive it is. Anyway he said he’d change and we did get back together and have been together years and to be fair he hasn’t lapsed so I guess it must be possible to change if you really want to 🤷‍♂️

Driving at that speed is totally out of order and put you all at risk. Maybe it’s time to separate?! Especially if he’s now stonewalling your daughter that’s awful!

Viewfrommyhouse · 17/08/2023 22:06

Never.

Thelonelygiraffe · 17/08/2023 22:07

Never. Your h is an abusive, selfish, immature dickhead. His rage driving could have killed you or others on the road. He sounds like a massive bully, and I'd leave him.

dressedforcomfort · 17/08/2023 22:09

Never. We've been together 17 years. It's not how grown ups behave.

And not speaking to your daughter on the day she gets her A Level results is bloody awful....

jellybe · 17/08/2023 22:24

Never.
Your DH is a dick.

iamenough2023 · 17/08/2023 22:30

My ex used to give me silent treatments all the time. Once it lasted almost three months. I was not sure if that was the reason but I developed insomnia right around that time. One night I walk up in the middle of the night and started crying. This woke him up and he gave me a hug to console me. I will never forget how insincere this felt. Made me feel so bad. Last time he did it was weeks before I finally worked up a courage to tell him I wanted to separate. He did not talk to me for two weeks. He then sat me down and asked me if I noticed he did not talk to me (as if I was stupid) and if I knew why. He was talking to me like I was one of his children, possibly a toddler at that. Of course I was pissed but I also found it funny, found him funny, I thought the whole situation was hilarious. By that time, of course, I was getting ready to leave him and so I did not care anymore.

Abuse comes in different shapes and sizes and is often disguised, so we cannot recognize it as such. I lived with my ex for 25 years and it was not until I got into therapy that I learned that I was being abused (quite literally). All I knew was that his behavior made me uncomfortable, but I kept thinking it was because I was a super sensitive person.

JibbaJab · 17/08/2023 22:36

Silent treatment, including other forms, can make you extremely sick with unexplained illness after years of experiencing it too.

Winnipeggy · 17/08/2023 22:43

Very rarely does he give me the silent treatment and for very short periods, never longer than a few hours. Maybe 3 times in 10 years.

I nearly died in a car crash because of an idiot driving recklessly, and I would have told him at the time that if he didn't slow down he would never drive my daughter anywhere ever again.

SeriouslyStressed · 17/08/2023 22:44

Everyone can get angry and be unreasonable at times but I think the worst thing about this is that he has had three days to calm down and self reflect and he is still behaving like this!!!

This is no longer a "flying off the handle" thing, this is a psychological war that he is choosing to subject you and his own daughter to.

Absolutely unacceptable and totally abusive.

My exDH did the driving fast thing and the throwing objects thing. I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

If you stay with him you are telling your teenage daughter that this is an acceptable way to be treated. You are imprinting your relationship model on her.

I would pack up and go somewhere, just the two of you (hotel? Friend? Relative?) until he will behave respectfully again.

ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken · 17/08/2023 22:47

Never, nor do I give him the silent treatment - married over 40 years. Your husband is very stupid to be carrying on his tantrum 4 days later. What an arsehole to not congratulate your daughter.

AllllTheQuestions · 17/08/2023 22:47

Never. I couldn’t live like that.

I had years of my father doing the exact same things as your DH as a child and it’s made me anxious, clingy and insecure. I know it, I’ve had therapy for it, but some things are deep rooted.

BarrennessHarrison82 · 17/08/2023 23:01

my exh would give me the silent treatment about every 5 weeks. sometimes for something I'd done ( like falling asleep in bed when he was telling me a story) often I wouldn't know the reason I was being ignored. or if he had a bad road rage incident I'd be ignored. It would always last max 5 days and then he'd start talking to me out the blue like nothing ever happened. it was frustrating and I would tell myself that every time he did it I liked him less and was one step closer to leaving him.
I did leave him in the end when he cheated with no remorse. I didn't miss him when I left as I'd had so much practice with his silent treatment. As they say, He taught me how to live without him.
I say get out before he gets worse.