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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your give you the silent treatment?

143 replies

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:16

My dh hasn’t spoken to me or our 17 year old since Monday. Not even to congratulate her on her as results today.

He yelled at her in the airport on Monday for asking a perfectly reasonable question. I defended her and told him not to speak to either of us like that.he Went off on one and drove at 125-130 mph on the way home. Has been banging doors, throwing bags about etc since.

Have had the silent treatment before from him but this is the first he’s directed it at her and done the mad driving.

we've been together 18 years.

any thoughts? I’ve tried to be as balanced as possible here

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 17/08/2023 20:29

He's kicked off and been in a mood but never given the silent treatment.
Stone walling is abuse.

Okki · 17/08/2023 20:29

He sounds a right knob by the way.

ChampagneCommunist · 17/08/2023 20:30

Sometimes. I hate it.

ShitImPregnant · 17/08/2023 20:30

Never. In all the years (10 plus) we've been together we've not once given each other the silent treatment.

Original poster
Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:30

@Malificent1 she said he was an asshole 🤣

@CrazyArmadilloLady i do not like his behaviour - I do actually like him, like I say this was a bit nuts.

can people turn abusive do you think after 18 years of being a kind, gentle and loving father?

OP posts:
Itisallgoingtobeok · 17/08/2023 20:30

I'm currently separated from my husband, he would give me the silent treatment and also drive at speed or aggressively. It took me a long time to recognise that as abuse. Then it started to escalate. Then I left. He wasn't always like that, something changed in him but I doubt I will ever know what it was. Please look after yourself and your DD. I doubt the situation is going to get better.

jays · 17/08/2023 20:31

Never. But my father did this frequently to me throughout my childhood and teenage years and it’s abuse. It caused me a great deal of damage.

crackfoxy · 17/08/2023 20:31

Never! That's awful I would not be staying with someone who wilfully put mine and our daughter at risk driving like that, nor someone who can't communicate. You deserve better and your daughter needs to see that this is not acceptable. Sending hugs OP

FiddleLeaf · 17/08/2023 20:32

Never. Sorry OP, he’s attempting to manipulate you.

Original poster
Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:32

@Okki i haven’t made him dinner - I’m not about to cater to someone who isn’t speaking to me!

I’ve said morning to him every morning and he’s grunted. Tonight I asked how much longer this is going to go on for and he said he didn’t know

OP posts:
TossieFleacake · 17/08/2023 20:33

It sounds like this is unusual behaviour for him, but that doesn't make it ok.

If I were in your situation, I would draw my line in the sand right here and let him know that you are not prepared to put up with this kind of abusive behaviour.
I would do that by either packing him a bag and sending him to stay elsewhere for a few nights, or by taking DD and going away somewhere yourselves.

He needs to know that this is not something you will ever put up with because if he gets away with it this time, chances are he will try it again.

CatandSpoon · 17/08/2023 20:33

Dh - never
My mother - often.

multisurface · 17/08/2023 20:34

I wouldn't have tolerated his abuse of your DD

Moneybegreen · 17/08/2023 20:35

Men do this when they're ashamed and embarrassed by their own behaviour but they can't handle admitting it to themselves.

So they deflect onto those around them to convince themselves they're pissed off with others, not themselves.

ThePoetsWife · 17/08/2023 20:35

He's an abuser - just nasty and vile. As for the driving - you and your DC must have been petrified.

Your poor DD.

The best thing you can do is to bin him - you do not want her to think this is normal and for her to model future relationships on this one.

plumtreebroke · 17/08/2023 20:36

What was the reasonable question?

You need to get him to discuss what has upset him so much. Sounds like you have missed some big trigger.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2023 20:36

So what happened on holiday or what was the qn that started all this? Honestly sounds like he's waiting for you to have enough and dump him
I assume he's not actually 15

Original poster
Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:36

If it’s any consolation to anyone he flew past a mobile speed camera van which gave me a great deal of satisfaction

OP posts:
Ozziedream · 17/08/2023 20:38

to answer your question - never in 17 years of marriage.

all of the other behaviour sounds revolting and abusive (and incredibly dangerous). What a horrible man. if this is so incredibly out of character like you say, could there possibly be any medical reason for such a dramatic personality change? Recent concussion? Any other new medical issues?

MillWood85 · 17/08/2023 20:38

Your poor DD, that must have been really frightening for her.

I'm sorry but I think you need to be setting an example here to her. That behaviour is never OK, and if he's still being an arsehole 4 days on, he needs to leave.

IamSaved · 17/08/2023 20:39

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:36

If it’s any consolation to anyone he flew past a mobile speed camera van which gave me a great deal of satisfaction

Great. Hopefully it was 100MPH+, that's an instant disqualification and a hefty fine.

Littleme2023 · 17/08/2023 20:40

I’m prone to going silent when I’m angry/hurt/upset. It’s not to “punish” the other person though.

I usually announce why, I will say to my husband something along the lines of “I’m absolutely furious with you and I don’t want to speak to you until I feel calm enough. Please leave me alone” So he knows why I’m being quiet and I’m letting him know there will be an end too it.

I have issues with my anger sometimes and I am working on that, I know it’s better I’m quiet and that I calm down first. Otherwise I have in the past been prone to say some nasty things and then really regret it and make things 10 times worse.

What I don’t do is stomp about, slam doors or behave in a way that can quite literally kill my family.

Your husbands behaviour is disgusting. He could have killed you all. That would be the end for me. My ex used to drive like a lunatic to frighten me and my young children - hence he’s now an ex.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/08/2023 20:40

Never and its not something I would tolerate towards myself. But if it was targeted towards my daughter, then that's heading into deal breaker territory as a one off. Coupled with the stupidly dangerous driving then its far more serious. He's put your daughter's life in danger by his own deliberate actions. I'm not sure I could get beyond that tbh.

WingedHermes · 17/08/2023 20:41

Absolutely never. And I would not tolerate this behaviour by him to my child. I'd have lost my shit at him by now.

multisurface · 17/08/2023 20:42

IamSaved · 17/08/2023 20:39

Great. Hopefully it was 100MPH+, that's an instant disqualification and a hefty fine.

Show quote history

I know someone was radared at 108 and went to court with a good barrister and got a huge fine and mega points but no ban (which is disgusting but they definitely did not get banned)