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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your give you the silent treatment?

143 replies

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:16

My dh hasn’t spoken to me or our 17 year old since Monday. Not even to congratulate her on her as results today.

He yelled at her in the airport on Monday for asking a perfectly reasonable question. I defended her and told him not to speak to either of us like that.he Went off on one and drove at 125-130 mph on the way home. Has been banging doors, throwing bags about etc since.

Have had the silent treatment before from him but this is the first he’s directed it at her and done the mad driving.

we've been together 18 years.

any thoughts? I’ve tried to be as balanced as possible here

OP posts:
SweetAndSourChick3n · 17/08/2023 20:43

Never. Your DH is abusive, and even if you're willing to put up with that behaviour towards you it should be a dealbreaker that he's behaving abusively towards your daughter.

ScoobyG · 17/08/2023 20:44

Another NEVER.

My parents used to do that to each other though and to me.

I remember telling my DH, thinking he must have witnessed the same from his and been treated the same when 'in trouble', he was appalled and made me see that this kind of treatment is totally unacceptable in a spousal and a parent to child relationship. Get out.

Doyoureallyhavetoask · 17/08/2023 20:46

In over 30 years of being together, never.

It's not ok.

SpringleDingle · 17/08/2023 20:46

My ex husband - not once in 16 years. He wasn’t a great husband but he wasn’t an abusive dickhead. Current boyfriend - never and I would ditch his arse if he did.

Shortbread49 · 17/08/2023 20:48

Never I would either leave or this humour my mum did this to me on a regular basis the worst time was when I was eleven has been imprinted in my mind for 41 years she never apologised , was often when she was angry about her behaviour not mine

Oliack1417 · 17/08/2023 20:50

Never, honestly.

VelvetUndergrounds · 17/08/2023 20:50

You know the answer.

If my husband ever have our daughter the silent treatment he'd be fast tracking himself to the single life. It's ok to try and mess with my mind (I'm a strong character) but don't make an attempt on my daughter's.

violetcuriosity · 17/08/2023 20:54

My mum used to do this to me and I've never forgotten it. It makes you feel scared and horrible. Sorry you're going through this. My partner has never done this to me.

fireflyloo · 17/08/2023 20:55

Never.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/08/2023 20:55

Once, because I left after the first time it happened, fuck dealing with that shit.

In the nice adult relationship I've had since we talk through our problems.

Why are you putting up with OP? More importantly why are you making your daughter?

Mistymist · 17/08/2023 20:55

Never, but I know someone who used to give his wife the silent treatment as a form of punishment. At time, it went on for weeks and on top of everything he would brag about it. He was an emotional abuser who treated his family and his employees like crap so that they would fear him.

Original poster
Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:55

The question was honestly innocuous, bit long winded and niche to try and explain though! I don’t think it really matters what she asked him as his reaction was disproportionate

OP posts:
NewUserName23 · 17/08/2023 20:56

Driving at that speed is disgusting! I'd never forgive that.

millymoo1202 · 17/08/2023 20:57

Good few times in the 17 years we were married, started it with the kids, so for me it was see ya! He’s still like that with the kids and they’re 18 and 23 if they say something that’s not to his liking! Get out as soon as you can as it’ll not get any better

Newtrix · 17/08/2023 21:00

Not once in 10 years

CalistoNoSolo · 17/08/2023 21:00

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:55

The question was honestly innocuous, bit long winded and niche to try and explain though! I don’t think it really matters what she asked him as his reaction was disproportionate

You seem very unbothered about how it's impacting your daughter.

Lulu1919 · 17/08/2023 21:01

Never ...married 33 years !

HoldOnMiGenna · 17/08/2023 21:02

You say that this is out of character, but you also say that he has given you the silent treatment before.
And he doesn't know when he will deign to come down off of Self Absorbed Shame Hill in order to resume normal communication?
OP, it's one thing for you to tolerate this abuse, but enabling your daughter to tolerate it to the point that the primary male on her life hasn't seen fit to congratulate her on achieving a milestone....that is unforgivable and has a high probability of imprinting low expectations from a man as a recurring relationship pattern.....unless she is so strong and angry that she is planning her disentanglement from her father and you, since you seem to have normalised this abuse as an "aberration".
I'm not sacred and have wanted to give the silent treatment. But I don't live in a mansion, I have the ability to put peace above my need to be right and I love to chat too much and have enough of a sense of the absurd to know when too much is too much. Plus I know that when pettiness becomes a type of temporary joy/ salve/ deflection from a real sore in any type of relationship, the relationship is on the way out or on for a physical change ( someone moving out).
Spitefulness is not a good thing in any relationship.

Gobimanchurian · 17/08/2023 21:04

I'd be fucking furious about the AS level thing, never mind anything else.

Time to start giving out - tell him he's a disgrace and you're ashamed of him for not even congratulating his own daughter and prioritising his pathetic days long stropathon,

And if he doesn't fix up and grow up he can fuck off.

I think tiptoeing/placating/being nice are adding to the misplaced illusion that he's somehow the injured party. Push back. Hard.

Scottishskifun · 17/08/2023 21:04

He's not congratulated his own daughter on her exam results???!!!!

I have never had the silent treatment from my DH nor have I given it we have been annoyed at each other and had a bit of downtime but maybe for an hour then we talk it through.

That's abhorrent behaviour and not acceptable

Janieforever · 17/08/2023 21:04

Genuinely never. And neither of us would ever drive like that ti scare the other and put our lives at risk, and to do it to his daughter us abhorrent.

he’s also clearly given the silent treatment before. It’s not normal and it’s abusive. Why do you stay? Especially now he’s doing it to his own child.

Tisfortired · 17/08/2023 21:05

Never in 15 years. Your DH is a knob.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 17/08/2023 21:05

Never. My ex used to which is why he is an ex.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:06

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:36

If it’s any consolation to anyone he flew past a mobile speed camera van which gave me a great deal of satisfaction

Ok so you need to set some boundaries for yourself. How long are YOU willing to I've like this for? Or with him for like this? What will it take from you to stay in the relationship?

You need to let him know this. As it stands it seems that the ball is totally in his court. There is a lot within your control.

He might be depressed or stressed about work or something but until he communicates about it like a grown up that's not your problem.

(I am giving this advice because you say he has been
Loving and not abusive so far. If you think even a small chance of violence then get advice from refuge or women's aid helplines instead)

BinkyBeaufort · 17/08/2023 21:06

In 40 years?
Never.
Because he's not a knob.

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