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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often does your give you the silent treatment?

143 replies

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:16

My dh hasn’t spoken to me or our 17 year old since Monday. Not even to congratulate her on her as results today.

He yelled at her in the airport on Monday for asking a perfectly reasonable question. I defended her and told him not to speak to either of us like that.he Went off on one and drove at 125-130 mph on the way home. Has been banging doors, throwing bags about etc since.

Have had the silent treatment before from him but this is the first he’s directed it at her and done the mad driving.

we've been together 18 years.

any thoughts? I’ve tried to be as balanced as possible here

OP posts:
TeeBee · 17/08/2023 21:08

Never. Mines a decent adult.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:08

Mainly I would LTB though

SkaterGrrrrl · 17/08/2023 21:08

My DH would never do this.

It is really, really bad.

I would leave him.

VeridicalVagabond · 17/08/2023 21:08

Not once in 17 years.

And I would never stay with a man who behaved in this way, I would particularly not wish for my teenage daughter to think this is an acceptable way for a man to treat her.

You're setting your child up to be in an abusive relationship, you do realise that don't you? You're telling her and showing her that it's ok.

Scottishskifun · 17/08/2023 21:08

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:36

If it’s any consolation to anyone he flew past a mobile speed camera van which gave me a great deal of satisfaction

He's probably also blaming you for that one too as he knows he will be in significant trouble especially if he was over 100mph

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/08/2023 21:10

My dh will sometimes go quiet as he needs time to process stuff.

But he's never called me names such as arsehole
He's never driven at 100+ mph to scare me
He's never shouted at our teenage dd
He's never thrown stuff or banged stuff about

Your dh is being a bellend and an abusive one at that.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 17/08/2023 21:10

Never

Why do you leave this boring man baby?

PlumPudd · 17/08/2023 21:11

My dad did silent treatment to my mum and us when I was a kid and it damaged us all. He still does it now, (once didn’t speak to me for eight months) and I think it’s abusive but I also think it’s to do with his attachment style and how he was parented. In other ways he’s a loving dad, (a complicated man) but the silent stuff was very scarring.

What kind of relationship did your DH have with his parents @Loadofoldshart? Was he loved unconditionally and securely? My dad wasn’t and I think that’s why he is the way he is.

That said, I would try to put a stop to it ASAP if you can at all. My mum didn’t and she’s been ground down by it and other things he’s done and now their relationship is very unequal because he’s prepared to hold grudges and be mean for much longer than her and doesn’t have much resilience left and placates him a lot

BobbleForAHat · 17/08/2023 21:11

You can be angry and upset at a situation but still communicate. Silent treatment as confirmed above is considered to be abusive behaviour. That he has extended it to his daughter and not spoken to her about her exam results is seriously messed up.

Dh and I have been together 27 years, never done the silent treatment to each other. You have to learn to communicate effectively without name calling or silent treatment.

Driving at that speed is what caused a man to kill a pregnant woman and seriously injure others

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-66530387

That alone would be a deal breaker for me, putting my life and my child's life at risk because he is angry.

Frankie Jules-Hough

Pregnant crash victim's family welcomes sentence review

Adil Iqbal was jailed for 12 years after he hit Frankie Jules-Hough's car while speeding.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-66530387

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/08/2023 21:13

Not congratulating your dd on her exam results is unforgivable.

When he does decide to talk you both again, I hope you don't just brush it under the carpet.

Not congratulating your dd is something she will remember for the rest of her life, and it can't be undone. Awful behaviour

elsbelsx · 17/08/2023 21:14

He sounds nuts - my other half has never given me the silent treatment and he certainly doesn't go around slamming doors or driving dangerously if he's pissed off!

fugly1 · 17/08/2023 21:15

Never.....because its pathetic and childish

googledidnthelp · 17/08/2023 21:15

Never, not once in 6.5 years.

bakewellbride · 17/08/2023 21:16

To answer your question- never. Dh adores and respects me and the kids.

But I was in your daughter's shoes growing up and it was truly awful. My mother never left him and always prioritised him. Many years of no contact now. Don't make the same mistake she did and put your daughter first.

YnysMonCrone · 17/08/2023 21:16

My ex used to do this. It was one part of his psychological abuse arsenal.
He also used to drive fast to scare us.
I don't want to scare you OP but he ended up in prison for arson (he tried to burn down the family home to punish us)
He blames me for his criminal record (just as he'll blame you if he gets a driving ban).
Even though he never hit me,
I've had a lot of support from the local DV teams and I now recognise what an abusive situation I brought my dc up in. It was thanks to them (now adults) I managed to get out.
Leave now, the support is there if you ask for it.

JibbaJab · 17/08/2023 21:18

Multiple times a month for over a decade, however it was abusive, though.

Put a stop to it, it's not right, normal or nice for anyone living with it.

peanutbutter00 · 17/08/2023 21:19

Never, if we are upset angry or frustrated with something we talk about it like adults. The silent treatment is abusive.

bakewellbride · 17/08/2023 21:20

"Not congratulating your dd is something she will remember for the rest of her life, and it can't be undone. Awful behaviour"

@BanditsOnTheHorizon yep. I got told I didn't deserve to graduate and was yelled at all night. Couldn't take it any more so spent the night before my graduation sobbing my heart out in a hotel toilet.

I was 21 then and I'm 33 now. Trust me op it truly does lasting damage. I remember the angry driving too.

Leave this man asap otherwise what sort of message does this send out to your daughter?

AubadeIsIt · 17/08/2023 21:21

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:36

If it’s any consolation to anyone he flew past a mobile speed camera van which gave me a great deal of satisfaction

So you will also help pay a fine and he'll be miserable about that too. Why didn't you tell him to slow down?

Doggymummar · 17/08/2023 21:23

Never, and if he did I would leave, domestic abuse is not to be tolerated

Tiqtaq · 17/08/2023 21:23

Silent treatment is abuse
I wouldn't stay in a relationship which had this toxic dynamic OP.

PurpleChrayne · 17/08/2023 21:25

Never.

But my abusive narcissistic parent did many times when I was growing up. We are no longer in close contact.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/08/2023 21:25

Never in 20 years' marriage. Your husband sounds like a truly horrible person.

BlueKaftan · 17/08/2023 21:26

He has massive anger issues and should be dumped. I’ve dumped two husbands/bf for this sort of behaviour.

keffie12 · 17/08/2023 21:28

Loadofoldshart · 17/08/2023 20:16

My dh hasn’t spoken to me or our 17 year old since Monday. Not even to congratulate her on her as results today.

He yelled at her in the airport on Monday for asking a perfectly reasonable question. I defended her and told him not to speak to either of us like that.he Went off on one and drove at 125-130 mph on the way home. Has been banging doors, throwing bags about etc since.

Have had the silent treatment before from him but this is the first he’s directed it at her and done the mad driving.

we've been together 18 years.

any thoughts? I’ve tried to be as balanced as possible here

Silent treatment IS emotional abuse