Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

I also note you said your low sex relationship were boyfriends, you didn’t marry them.

Who marries their teenage boyfriends? Not many of us. Not because of sex but because of other reasons.

Also, men have a higher sex drive for longer in relationships and are often much less inclined to accommodate very little sex early

I agree with that apart from those men that are ok/tolerate it. If they love the woman (and are maybe kind of drippy personalities?) some will go ahead and marry someone where there's not much sex. Love can spellbind us, especially when we're young.

I understand you had a religious background but OP has already said her religiosity is more like a form of meditation, perhaps try and see the situation without your religious experience imprinted.

I converted to Catholicism this year at 46, but my family were atheist socialist liberals and my spiritual background before conversion was 35 years of paganism

@Thisistyresome

In the case of people marrying in to dead bedrooms they don’t tend to be people who are at most very mildly religious, who got together at 18 and 20 who then choose to marry at 23 and 25.

The internet is full of stories of people who do. Full of them. And most aren't religious. And plenty are very young. Someone with a normal libido falls for someone who is asexual or some past trauma or a very common one is that the girlfriend/boyfriend is on antidepressants and they think that maybe that's the reason why they never had a libido.

Most dead bedrooms were not that from the start.

There's a LOT of dead bedrooms so even if most weren't like that from the start that can still mean that a lot were dead from the start.

I agree it happens, I was in a relationship in my late teens/early twenties where although not lacking in frequency the sex was AWFUL!! Not just for me also for him but if he had proposed I 100% would have married him. Although aware it wasn't good I/we lasted for nearly 4 years on a love will conquer all mindset. (Cute huh!?!)
If had got to that point of marriage.. we we're definitely heading that way I can see why friendship/loyalty/starting a family trumps feeling rejected.
Ops DH knew from the get go that she wasn't very sexual or attracted to him but married her anyway. I should imagine he thought it would improve and she thought it would simmer down to nothing, Nobody's actually done anything wrong here and I feel for both of them.

Why are you so desperate to label the poor bloke as some evil scumbag? What's your agenda? Genuine question.

Why are you so desperate to label the poor bloke as some evil scumbag?

I think he is, well maybe not 100% evil, but definitely grim.

People seem to have missed the bit where OP said he gropes her when he knows she doesn't want it. That's a crime.

I know what it's like to be pressured by men when you're not in the mood. Sometimes I'm in the mood, sometimes not, like virtually everyone.

No agenda except I don't like sex offenders and sexually pressuring men.

From the OP: Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me.

Your assertion that he's in any way a sex offender is utter horseshit and cements the idea that you do have an agenda. Do you just despise men full stop?

@JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain complete agree. Some people really seem to hate men.

"He makes me feel safe and cared for and respected and trusted.I don't need him to want sex with me on top of that."

He doesn't sound like a sex offender to me. A lot of men in this situation would try to coerce there partner into sex, he hasn't done that and has actually backed off.

Op definitely shouldn't have sex when she doesn't want to but she has stated she'd be happy if it could go back to once a month and that sex aside this is a very happy marriage.
Sexual crimes against women are are at a record high whilst convictions are at an all time low. That needs fixing.. Women have there rights taken away far too often by men who should be held to account. This isn't what's happening here though.

Exactly.

He doesn't sound like a sex offender to me. A lot of men in this situation would try to coerce there partner into sex,

@my82my He's not only constantly trying to pressure her into sex, he's outright sexually assaulted her, he's groped her non-consensually more than once. That's a sex offender, in black and white.

@Deedeeraaraa This thread is well depressing and people are ignoring that you've been sexually assaulted (which, sadly, you have) and that you're under near-constant pressure/awareness of the pressure to have sex.

I'm going to ignore this thread now and I suggest you do the same. All the best. x

To be fair the OP has had an awful time on this thread with people saying awful things about her. That will set the tone for some responses.

His behaviour could certainly be considered sexually coercive though and that should be acknowledged.

Good grief. The really amusing thing is you seem blissfully unaware of just how utterly idiotic you sound.

"His behaviour could certainly be considered sexually coercive though and that should be acknowledged."

Yet more utter nonsense.

WTAF?

Yes its strange that him not earning any money came out so late in the thread. Thats usually mentioned at least by page 2 .

@JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain and @BigButtons

Intentional or not, and like it or not, some of his behaviour can be considered sexually coercive.
https://www.sexualhealthdg.co.uk/sexualcoercion.php#:~:text=Sexual%20coercion%20happens%20when%20someone,easier%20just%20to%20say%20yes

Thanks for that. The next time my DP tries it on with me I'll scream sexual coercive behaviour.

Seriously, your desperate attempts to twist the narrative into something that it clearly isn't is borderline obsessional. It must be exhausting.

Do you and your dp have a healthy sexual relationship? If so then if your dp tries it on with you it generally won't be coercive.

Do you resist sex and tell your dp you don't want it? In that case attempts could be coercive. They could wear you down so you have sex you don't want.

There's no desperate attempt at anything. I think you're mixing me up with the other poster because I'm not twisting the narrative into something it clearly isn't at all. I'm saying it how it is.

The man married a woman who wasn't attracted to him and barely had sex with him right from the start. He CHOSE to stay and marry her. He's not a victim like you've tried to make him out to be.

They're sexually incompatible, and sexually incompatible couples often harm each other unintentionally.

And it's a fact that some of his behaviour is considered sexually coercive....so there's no narrative twisting. It should be acknowledged.

As I said earlier (to you I think)....if my partner had a very low sex drive and rarely wanted sex I wouldn't keep trying to grab his dick when he got into bed.

That would be sexually coercive.

To answer your first question, yes, we do. However, sometimes I'm not in the mood, and DP accepts that.

The OP has stated several times that she doesn't know when she's going to want sex, and if that's the case, how is her husband supposed to know? When it's clear she doesn't want sex he backs off, the OP has also stated that.

You are right about one thing, however. They are completely sexually incompatible. I've said several times that he needs to leave for the benefit of his own mental health.

She doesn't know when she'll want it, but she does know that she only wants it very infrequently.

HE knows she wants it very infrequently too, and has done since day 1.

If you know that the vast majority of attempts are completely unwanted then it's wrong to keep trying just in case.

The idea of trying to get someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to do it is just so weird and gross to me.

If my partner didn't want to have sex with me then as I said to you before I wouldn't stay, but if i did stay then I can't think of anything worse than having him go through with sex with me that he doesn't want 🤮....that's worse than no sex.

And yes you've said that several times, but I'm always picking up an undertone of The OP is to blame for his mental health, which just isn't fair.

Sex is important to him. Youve got a very selfish attitude to this, I'm not saying you should be having sex when you don't want to, but he is your life partner and you're asking him to live the rest of his life without something that very important to him and seemingly being quite flippant about it. If you don't sort something out between you (him being able to get sex elsewhere for eg) then he'll either leave or cheat eventually.

The key word here is "infrequently". It isn't "never". If the husband knew the OP never wanted sex then that would be a different matter. So, my point about how is he supposed to know when she might be in the mood still stands.

OP, do you ever initiate sex?

Oh come on, it's not completely different at all.

If I was in a relationship where my partner wanted zero sex or else was happy to have sex every couple of months/every 6 months there's no real difference at all.

That's not the kind of relationship where you go "Wayhay the kids are out, maybe my partner will join me in bed".

It's the kind where initiation attempts are preceded with "I know it will be a no" and they do it anyway. I've seen this time and time again when people share their stories.

I see it as a form of self harm, they often obsess over rejection and their low self esteem and see themselves as completely undesirable, they initiate knowing the extremely likely response and it proves their point about how undesirable they are.

And I think it's so harmful to both people in the dynamic when people tell them that it's ok for people to keep trying to get their extremely reluctant partner to have sex, keep trying...maybe he or she will be in the mood, maybe you'll get some on your birthday.....

Because it keeps people stuck in that dynamic, and they're not going to get any more sex anyway.

The best advice for anyone is his situation is "You need to stop trying to initiate because you know they don't want sex". People in his situation need to understand that the relationship is going to remain sexless or basically sexless forever........and it's only when they get to that point that a lot of them will leave.

The ones who keep trying over and over and over for years and decades getting a 100% or 99% rejection rate stay stuck. If it was considered less acceptable to keep trying to get a reluctant partner to have sex (which is as I said can be coercion) then hopefully less people will stay stuck in the situation.

You want him to leave for his mental health, but at the same time are condoning the very behaviour that keeps people stuck in those relationships.

”The best advice for anyone is his situation is "You need to stop trying to initiate because you know they don't want sex". People in his situation need to understand that the relationship is going to remain sexless or basically sexless forever........and it's only when they get to that point that a lot of them will leave.”

Then his wife needs to actually be honest instead of the constant stream we’re getting of oh I’m not in the mood because of x, I’m too tired, the kids will hear etc etc. Because it still doesn’t sound to me like she’s actually saying to him I don’t want sex at all, but keeps a little bit of hope dangling by just coming up with lots of reasons why not right now but maybe another time, when that clearly isn’t the case.