Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

This idea that after a certain age men loose the dire is a silly myth some people like to push because it allows them to rationalise circumstances. Men’s dive always drops after one event, death. But other than that there is normally a very slow decline. What you also see is medical reasons for significant drops in older age, or men accepting that their partners have lost interest and adapting.

But certain people want men and women to be the same and be able to read across between the two. It is individual ridiculous as it gives a misleading idea of general trends that can cause bad decision making. But in the widest situation it can be dangerous, which is something that most people should have woken up to in the last few years.

That is the better of the two possibilities I can think of.

Not that the story seems sort of mapped out but with some weird gaps. I asked a question about ages earlier, which she avoided. The sort of error that you would get if you quickly mapped out the situation in your mind but didn’t work it through as to what it would really mean.
Note the contradictory statements to say certain things that will bait a response but then try and contradict them. The disgust with sex but also not a disgust.
The lack of a real response to the house work question. No sign of he is actually a Stay at Home Dad, or a complete bum.
Note that one solution to her issue is to set up separate beds (either in the same room or separate rooms). Much less chance of him “trying it on” from the other side of the room. But also it would be a clear sign it is not happening anymore. He also would probably find it less frustrating. But no she wants to keep the same bed and get annoyed at him every night…
Her total lack of capacity to empathise, but also lacking the capacity of conceptualise which you would find with someone with ASD.

I hope this is a piece of creative writing, the natural holes in the story are to be expected. If it isn’t that is worse.

@my82my
Is not strange they got married, to be honest. I've been a few years back with someone that I really loved and wanted to marry, but man the sex was so bad and rare. Never cheated, not even once, what drove me was the love. The relationship ended from other reasons, but sexually, even if it was horrible, we made it work.

OP

• was your sex drive always like this?
• were you, at some point, all over him? Or this was the same from the start?
• did you two consider sexual therapy?

Read all OP replies , she is more attracted to girls , she refused therapy too .

If you read the OPs posts she answer (kind of) your questions:
Says it was always like this, but then the version fluctuates.
He went to therapy which she wanted to remove his sex drive, she refuses therapy.

Work back from the ages given and you will see the story sounds less and less real. When they married he was 23 she was 25. Given how young that is to get married you are looking at them dating (given we are talking early 2000s not 1940s) from him at 18/19/20 and her at 20/21/22. She also claims they “had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.” Taking us back earlier. Of course, this is after her previously only having dated women.

It looks more like creative writing so don’t expect the details to stack up.

Every relationship I've had has started out developing from a friendship so that attraction has always been on a personal level rather than physical.
Friendships to the point where you love develops and you never want to be away from that person.

I did think Elijah Wood was cute when I was about 12 but i watched Flipper a lot before I started to think that.

I'll look into asexuality. Thank you.
I don't think it is that because I do get aroused and I do enjoy sex. I just have to be in the right frame of mind.

Asexuals do sometimes enjoy sex. Apparently asexuality means not to experience sexual attraction. Might seem like a splitting hairs thing, but anyway:

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual#facts

I'm really sorry I missed your questions. I have chosen to ignore certain posts that I've been confrontation(?) if I've misread yours like that I'm really sorry. I'm sure you'll agree that many others have been and perhaps I've had my guard up when I've read yours.

I've not seen the suggestion of separate beds. I really like that idea. It would give a clear show. My husband may be against it because it is a very obvious sign and he'll complain that the kids would see (or, more likely, because it does stop him from trying his luck)
Thank you.

Thank you for this.
I was under the impression that asexual meant you didn't have sexual urges at all, including no pleasure from sex.

That timescale isn't impossible though, and if anything being friends for years as teens would add weight to the story and show why they overlooked the sexual incompatibility.

All over the internet with these kinds of dead bedrooms there are many of these stories, where very young people get into relationships based on strong friendship and overlook the fact that there was no lust and passion right from the start......probably partly because they don't have the life or relationship experience to know and probably partly because their friendships are so important and special to them...I'm sure there are lots of reasons.

It doesn't read like creative writing to me because I've seen these stories told over and over again all over the internet.

I'm sorry the relationship ended.
Its becoming very obvious that sex is a total deal breaker for most people here so it's nice to see someone who understands.

Before children we had sex more often. Once or twice every month or so. After kids every few months. As they've grown up and I've been doing more with work or groups I'm involved with, plus keeping on top of things at home, it's become less. I've got so many plates spinning now that I don't have time or energy most of the time.

No, I've never been very forward like that. With anyone (despite the hyper focus on my "preferring women" comment I've never been all over a woman either.)

I don't know how helpful therapy will be. Therapy isn't going to give me more time or energy. It's not going to prevent the kids from hearing us.

I'm not making excuses not to have sex. I'd be fine if we did go back to sex once a month. I just want him to understand why it isn't like that and to be OK with that. I love my husband band and I want him to be happy.

You're not compatible. Sex in his marriage is clearly very important to him (as it is for most men). Your husband may adhere to your wishes eventually, he may 'give in' and you'll be happy, but he won't - I think imposing your will on him to that extent is very unfair (I think it's cruel, actually).

It's a tough one.. I firmly believe that nobody should feel pressured into sex when they don't want to but from the way you are describing your husband he's not coming across as coercive (if he is I'm sorry and that's not okay.)
Do you feel you can't be affectionate without him presuming it will lead to sex?
I also find that irritating. BUT It's also perfectly normal for him to want a sex life.
You also sound very worried about your DC hearing you. I completely understand this, it's harder to find the privacy when they're teens especially if they're like mine.. weird sleeping habits. We sometimes have to accept if we want a quiet moment without the threat of anyone hearing it has to be very early morning. So maybe if it doesn't feel coercive make a plan that say once a month you have a date night that will eventually lead to you wanting to have sex and in between he stops pressuring you and can meet your wants (affection and friendship without expectations) you'll be able to find a balance.

the he's a writer but hasn't actually ever had anything published

Losers like that do exist. I've self published some books that would never have got published by a publisher as the subject was too niche. But I wouldn't imply I was a professional writer.

@Deedeeraaraa Him not working can't help your opinion of him. And he is a sex offender, creep, and pest. I empathise with what you describe as I've been with one or two men like that.

the way you are describing your husband he's not coming across as coercive

@my82my Sometimes he outright grabs her sexually when he knows she doesn't want to be grabbed.

Yet again you use the expression “ try his luck “. This is your husband!

We did maybe rush into marriage but we had that strong base to build our relationship from and we loved each other and wanted to be a family.
We'd known each other for 5 years and been a couple for about 3 when he proposed.

I'm sorry you find that phrase offensive.

I absolutely feel like I can't be affectionate without him assuming that means sex. I know that if I cuddle into him on the couch in the evening he's going to think that means I want to have sex. Sometimes it's just nice to be held without a hand ending up on my breasts or bum.

Sleep schedules are a mess. The kids are so much still on holiday mode. I'll go to bed about 2am and they are still awake, despite being sent to bed at 11.

I find scheduling things like that really difficult. Sometimes the day will come and I don't want to have sex but he's been building up these fantasies and accuse me of breaking a promise to him.

The thing is OP you say you wouldn't mind going back to sex once a month but you haven't been in the mood for months.

Tbf re: the date nights, I don't like scheduled sex either so I can understand you not wanting to do that.

This isn’t sounding any more credible. Based upon that answer (assuming an engagement of 1 or 2 years engagement for people in their early 20s 15 years ago, I remember one couple from around that time having 3 years as planning on a budget for staring life).
Married: him 23, her 25
Engaged: him 21/22, her 23/24
Dating: him 18/19, her 20/21
Met: him 16/17, her 18/19

She has a history of dating women prior to this point.

And in this version of events an 18/19 year old guy was happy with sex every 2 months, to the point where he chose to marry the woman who was so disinterested. And she is supposed to be horrified that a man would wany sex 2 nights in a row? She was with him from being a horny teenager and is horrified at a level of sexual interest of a couple of times a week?

He doesn’t work or bring in any money (unclear about housework, children etc.) but mum as sole provided is doing over 6 trips away a year?

The lack of clarity of certain details really makes this sound like creative writing. Moving stories and the odd way the details come out just don’t make it credible.

@Deedeeraaraa

im not sure you husband will go for the idea of separate beds OP even if you would love it.
You basically want a flat mate to co-parent with

@Thisistyresome
It sounds like my husband's first marriage.They were just out of there teens at (him 21) ) (her22) They were together 12 years and had sex maybe twice a year max. My DH was a virgin when they met and had very low self esteem. She also earned a lot more than him (he works very hard but she is millionaire rich) She also traveled all. She always said she had no sex drive and that it was how most couples were, his lack of experience meant he stayed. In the end it transpired she was having an affair for years and this ended there marriage. So OPS post is plausible and does happen.

And in this version of events an 18/19 year old guy was happy with sex every 2 months, to the point where he chose to marry the woman who was so disinterested.

Maybe he loved her as a person. I had a couple of boyfriends in my late teens who were not into sex much. But I loved them.

And she is supposed to be horrified that a man would wany sex 2 nights in a row?

@Thisistyresome It is the trying it on when he knows OP wouldn't want sex as she's had it the night before and that's her libido, that's the problem with that example.

@Thisistyresome

And in this version of events an 18/19 year old guy was happy with sex every 2 months, to the point where he chose to marry the woman who was so disinterested. And she is supposed to be horrified that a man would wany sex 2 nights in a row? She was with him from being a horny teenager and is horrified at a level of sexual interest of a couple of times a week?

It happens a lot more than you think. People will marry into an already dead bedroom.
I don't think he was 'happy' with sex every 2 months as she said he would try the next night and the next night....but obviously happy enough in the relationship to stay and marry her. She most likely wasn't 'happy' with him trying it on more than she wanted, but was happy enough in the relationship to stay and marry him.

And yes if someone has no libido then they'll be 'horrified' or whatever way you want to put it, if a couple of times a week, every week, every month, every year, they are still having to say no. That's a normal reaction to that situation.

People on the OPs side of the dynamic stay in a situation where they have to constantly reject sex they don't want, the other person stays despite constantly being rejected and keeps trying to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them....for years. It's strange behaviour on both sides, strange but also extremely common behaviour in a dead bedroom or when there was a sexual incompatibility from the start.

History of dating women.....I assume she meant girls.

And trips away I assumed were work trips but maybe that's wrong.

@LuckySantangelo35
Separate beds would probably be nest for him. It would make clear what the real situation is. Probably less frustrating as well.

@my82my
I will give you that if he met her at 16/17 and they got together you could be looking at a situation where he could be gaslit in to staying by being told that her behaviour is the norm and he is defective in some way, as your husband was.
However, that is exceptionally rare most of the time a horny teenage guy is not going to stick around. For example, was it twice a year for your husband from the start? Or did it start at close to a normal level and rapidly drop? Getting a horny guy to commit with the expectation of sex six times a year from age 18 seems rather far fetched, much more likely to start relatively normal and drop.

Also note how his lack of earning anything didn’t turn up in the first post (as in these stories it normally would be really high up) it seems to first come out in her after several pages of her posts. She also avoids the references to contribution in the house when someone else assumes that he does nothing, another item that genuine posters tend to clarify as they many people to understand the emotional impact on them of this (even if it has none).
These details that are so normal in posts of this nature, being absent gives a feel of fan-fiction about them.

@porridgeisbae
“It is the trying it on when he knows OP wouldn't want sex as she's had it the night before and that's her libido, that's the problem with that example.”

You missed the point, my point is that if this were real this would have been 15 years of this while married and 4/5 years of this in dating before. I suspect this would have become more of an issue far earlier if the story was real.

I also note you said your low sex relationship were boyfriends, you didn’t marry them. Also, men have a higher sex drive for longer in relationships and are often much less inclined to accommodate very little sex early, especially marrying particularly at 23. I understand you had a religious background but OP has already said her religiosity is more like a form of meditation, perhaps try and see the situation without your religious experience imprinted.

@MumGMT
In the case of people marrying in to dead bedrooms they don’t tend to be people who are at most very mildly religious, who got together at 18 and 20 who then choose to marry at 23 and 25. People who have been together ages and the marriage seems like the next thing on the list, or they are approaching 30 (the weird crunch date), or have kids and people keep highlighting it.
Most dead bedrooms were not that from the start. In the 2000s very few people were looking to lock themselves into that situation in their early 20s.