Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

I don't think you need to sext or send photos if you dont want to-that's not my bag either- but you need to compromise somewhere.

Bold of you to assume your views are everyone's and just because you've decided something isn't important to you that it must apply to everyone

Sex is important to me and I certainly wouldn't stay in a marriage where we were only having it a few times a year and my spouse was admittedly not attracted to me, that sounds utterly miserable and depressing.

If sex is so unimportant why don't you suggest opening your marriage so he can seek it elsewhere? Then everyone is happy.

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?

How on Earth can you decide on his behalf that sex isn't important? Please do the honourable thing and let the poor fella go.

Sex isn’t important to you,doesn’t mean it isn’t important to him, he’s already stopped touching you because you push him away, at some point he will decide the whole relationship isn’t worth the effort and find someone else, perhaps that is actually what you want

You’ve expressed exactly what I wanted to say.

I think sometimes if you're not having a lot of spontaneous sex, scheduling it in can help. You might not suddenly be horny on a Thursday night or whatever but when you make the effort and start kissing/ foreplay you might get horny and end up enjoying it. The less sex you have, the less you want and it might reignite the spark between you both. I wouldn't suggest doing it if you really don't want, but I think you could compromise. He's your husband and you don't get to shut down his sex life just because you don't want it.

Omg no. No one should have obligation-sex. That's horrific for both parties but especially for op.

I think separation is the only answer

Well it’s not important to you and that’s your right

but it is to him and that’s his right

So don’t be surprised if he has an affair or leaves you for someone who want to have sex with him

I could quite happily not have sex for weeks and months if I had my way
I do like and enjoy sex but as I’ve gotten older it’s not as important to me

but sex is important to my husband and when we met we were having sex every day for a long time

I love my husband find him very attractive so I put in the effort at a min of 2-3 times a week and we have a good sex life .

so he is happy and I’m happy cos he’s happy
i love him and I want to make him happy and sex is one of the ways I know makes him very happy 😂

you need to decide what you want to do before he decides for you

Also, you say you have a far lower sex drive than him but it sounds like you have absolutely none whatsoever. I can't see how this can last without you both agreeing to having an open marriage.

Why did you marry him if you prefer women and don't find him attractive? The poor man! If I were in his position I'd probably get a divorce. You're being completely unfair to him. Let him go so he can find someone who actually finds him attractive and we love him like he deserves. You sound like you love him platonically not romantically.

I call reverse.

I don't think what she's describing is normal for women. I want sex at least once or twice a week.

Why would the dh reverse this, if it is a reverse? Does he want permission from us to go have an affair?

Op whether you're the dw or the dh, the solution is the same, you need to just separate.

Poor guy, it’s awful when one person takes sex off the agenda, he must be in a lot of pain.

I guess it’s just a case of waiting for him to look elsewhere.

Have you spoken to your Dr about your lack of libido? Do you fancy other people and have stirrings, do you masturbate?

Just a suggestion:

I began to feel a bit like you once the menopause hit, even after starting HRT I still didn't get the urges. But now we set aside our weekend evenings for US. We have a few drinks, play music, sometimes dance together with no intentions of having sex, so no pressure but we do usually end up getting intimate at least once over the weekend.

This is terrible advice. Having sex when you don't want to is not something anyone should do. She'll hate it and end up resenting him and it's really unfair to him when he wants his wife to want him as much as he wants her.

Well OP it is a big deal because sex is important to most people, clearly including him.

No one should have sex when they don’t want to, but equally no one should string someone along, so you need to have an honest conversation with him and say you are simply not interested in having sex.

It’s not likely he’s going to accept this so you could talk about having a open marriage, or agree that you will separate, or if he says OK that might mean he will have affairs on the side, but that might not bother you. You can of course also try couples counselling, but there’s no point going down that route unless you have some interest in changing your feelings about sex, which I don’t think you do?

This

The OP has said she prefers women and he knows that, so I don’t think there’s any fixing this one.

Why did you marry him poor bloke. You don’t fancy him, you think sex isn’t important and he does.

He sounds really fucking decent and frankly I’m going to say it sounds like you married him to settle and have children, possibly knowing all along sex would stop and then lead to separation and then you can go back to women. Use him and ditch him basically plus the added bonus of oh poor me he left me because of sex.

Poor guy - you have never found him attractive, you prefer women, and you just want him to be happy without sex for the rest of his life.

He's trying to create situations where you would be interested in sex with him, but you won't have any of it - have you been honest with him that you just don't want sex with him full-stop, or do you always put him off with an excuse?

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?

You could try kicking him in the nuts on a regular basis. He might get the hint then...

This is tough for both of you. Neither of you are in the wrong. You can’t be expected to have sex if you’re not in the mood but you also can’t expect him to live with a sexless marriage .

To me, he is trying everything he can to make this work but he can’t win, sex at night time is a no go because you’re tired, you don’t want to bed earlier, you don’t want to have sex when the children are home so he suggests a time when you’re home along and you also say no. He’s suggested a weekend away clearly trying to be romantic but you say no again. Sorry but if you weren’t attracted tk him then why did you marry him?

Of course don’t have sex if you don’t want to but you keep saying you won’t because you don’t know how you’ll feel but you’re already shutting down times when you don’t actually know how you’ll feel.

I think you need to be honest with him and allow him to think about whats important to him.

Oh gosh, that all sounds rather one sided. What on earth do you mean when you say you need him to understand that as long as you love each other no/infrequent sex is fine. For most people it isn't. I'm really confused though when you say you don't find him attractive and you prefer woman. You also say when things were 'good' you used to have sex just once a month. I'm baffled how you ended up married. You might care for and respect one another, you might brush along well but do you really think it's fine to stay in a sexless marriage when it's hurting one partner?
I understand how you can't just switch things on to schedule and how life gets in the way but there's no sign at all of you saying you wish you could improve your sex life. Sounds like your preferred option would be for him to just ignore his needs.
Have you discussed the possibility of an open marriage. My hunch is though that despite the jokes around men and sex most donlike intimacy and connection. I think if he met a woman he enjoyed being close to he might leave you.

Sit him down and tell him you don't find him attractive and wish he'd accept no sex ever again with you. Then let him make up his mind.