Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

@LolaSmiles It sounded like you were going to call OP 'a tease.' Women are allowed to change their mind about wanting sex.

As to 'intermittent reinforcement'- it'd be rare to find anyone who was up for sex every time their spouse wanted it. That's not 'intemittent reinforcement' it's someone not wanting sex at all times, which is normal.

That's bullshit.
He CHOSE to get into the relationship with her even though she had a low libido and wasn't that attracted to him.

She wants him to be happy and ok if he doesn't get much sex.
He wants her to want more sex than she wants.

There's no coercion/manipulation unless they're both doing it to each other because both went in knowing that there was a difference in libido and both want the other to change to some extent.

^I've told him I don't mind if I never have sex again. I've told him I'm not going to sleep with him when I don't want to. He knows these things but still tries.
I'll come to bed at 2am but unless I'm extremely quiet he'll wake up and try touch me up. Sorry, it's just frustrating.^

This is sexual assault @Deedeeraaraa as he knows you don't want sex but is still groping you. If any posters try to say that's ok, that's disgusting of them.

Please leave this marriage OP. He's sexually abusing and pressurising you.

I promise you'll feel so much more free by yourself.

He doesn't really have a share of the bills as he's not bringing any money in.

Wow. I bet that helps you feel horny, too (not.)

She wants him to be happy if he doesn't get any sex. The poor bloke needs to get out of the relationship as soon as possible for the sake of his own mental health.

The OP has also stated: "If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me."

How is he supposed to know?

It still stands whether she wants him to be happy with very little or with none.
They both want the other to change......what she wants is detrimental to him, what he wants is detrimental to her. She's not the bad guy, they're just incompatible and always have been.

If he chooses to stay in this situation she's still not the bad guy.

Realistically if you're in a dead bedroom you shouldn't be touching your partner knowing it's likely that they don't want sex.

If I had a partner who didn't want to have sex with me, well I wouldn't stay in that relationship, but if I did I wouldn't be touching his dick when he got into bed on the off chance that that time he might want sex, because I would know that most likely he wasn't going to.

If I had a partner who didn't want to have sex with me then I wouldn't be hanging around, either. He needs to leave for his own sake, I just hope he can find the strength to do so.

I don't want to reject him but I can't just turn on my horniness like a switch. He doesn't seem to recognised that when I'm busy, or stressed or tired I'm not going to be in the mood to have sex

Ok...I know this is not the same, but what if each day you were also too tired/stressed/busy to even have a conversation with your husband and this went on for weeks/months? Would you just neglect him and carry on doing your own thing? Because that wouldn't work. He wouldn't be happy (just as you wouldn't be if he were this way with you). There are certain aspects to a relationship that you can't just ignore because they build that intimacy and connection with each other. For many people, sex falls into this category. And if you don't work through your issues surrounding it, you're more like housemates rather than husband and wife.

That said, under no circumstances should you ever have sex or intimacy that you don't want to have...but you seem to actually have an aversion to it...and it may actually help you to have some therapy to try and understand why this is and if there is any way to overcome it. You've said several times "it's just not how my body works." Do you think it would be worth speaking to your doctor to find out if your hormones levels etc are ok - what if there is an underlying cause that is contributing to your lack of sex drive (other than physical attraction)?

Sex is a very healthy and normal part of a relationship (and for many people, extremely important)... it shouldn't just be his responsibility to involve himself in therapy and try to scale back - you should be making an effort too in order to see if there is any way you can try and improve your sex life with him and see if there is anything that could help you feel like you want it occasionally. Neither of you are wrong for feeling how you feel but you should both be making an effort to see what you can do differently for things to improve or sadly, your relationship probably isn't going to last.

This with bells on
You are being so harsh to him
If you prefer women go find one

You don’t have a great marriage though, you have a great friendship.

There are a few things that you fundamentally need to agree on to have a good long lasting marriage, there’s no ability to compromise and any attempt to only breeds resentment:
attitudes to finances
whether or not to have children
sexual appetites (at least in the same ball park)

The compromise you are asking him to make is too big. I’d never advocate having sex you don’t want but it makes you completely incompatible as a married couple.

He must feel very rejected and I’m not surprised has self esteem issues. You seem like you’re possibly a-sexual and have no desire at all - there’s no grounds for compromise there while you can both live fulfilling happy lives.

I very much doubt he is going without sex. In my experience men will get it by hook or by crook if the want it but aren't getting it,

I don't look at anyone and think "they look sexy," or "I wonder what they're like in bed."
It's definitely not because of him.

I don't know what he thinks about in terms of having more sex in the future. I mean, men's sex drives usually drop after a certain age too. Perhaps he'll not be so focused on it in time.

I've ignored some responses that make assumptions or cast aspersions like that, if the post has come across with that sort of tone. Obviously tone can be difficult over these sorts of messages, several of mine have been taken the wrong way too so I really understand.

I'm really not against sex. I'm sorry I've given that impression.
I mean, my husband wants us to watch porn together and I do find that sort of off putting. But knowing our friends have sex doesn't bother me. I don't want to think about it but does anyone enjoy thinking about what their friends get up to in the bedroom?

I mean, men's sex drives usually drop after a certain age too. Perhaps he'll not be so focused on it in time.

This isn't guaranteed at all. Men don't go through a menopause like women do. There isn't a point where their sex drive suddenly goes. When they do start to experience issues, there is usually a medical reason for it. It's foolish to rely on that to happen. Realistically, how you describe your sex life and relationship is the reason many men give for having affairs. Don't be surprised if that happens. Or he might wait until the children are grown up before leaving to find someone to have a full fulfilling relationship with.

Whatever the outcome, it won't be the one you want where he happily accepts a dead bedroom.

Thank you for your reply.

I feel so much like sex is the only reason he wants to go away anywhere.
He'll be talking about restaurants and sights or shows before you we go and we'll get there and he's suddenly not interested in anything but if the shower is big enough for us both.

I don't know what he is thinking going forward. If he's hoping I'll suddenly get some sort of empty nest horniness or something.
You might be right that speaking to a therapist might be good for us. Thank you for suggesting it as you did.

OM is 67 and does not have the stereotypical issues mentioned.

Lot of blokes are horny old goats 😂I wouldn't count on it dissipating. It may be that once you have an empty nest you'll have the same problem but less excuses.

It's really depressing that you're wishing away his sex drive - sex should be a source of joy to you both.

Is sex the only difference between a relationship and a friendship?

From the very start he's known that I'm not attracted to him physically. Our relationship has never been base's on that.

He was studying but dropped out to start writing. He's written 2 books in the past 10 years but hasn't had either published (beyond self publishing, which hasn't brought in any profit)
He's still hopeful.

Yes, I didn't think much of the video, unfortunately, although I'm still very grateful to the person for suggesting it as possibly beneficial.

I added this more to show how clear it was that I wasn't physically attracted to him from the start of the relationship. It seems people either misunderstood that or hyper focused on the liking women side of it.
I just hope none of that disgust has any hint of homophobia about it.

I've never really found many women all that attractive either. I'll admit that had a lot of fun the couple of times I've been with a woman, but I've had fun with my husband too.
Women's bodies are prettier, imo. Invite me to a collection of nude portraits of women vs nude portraits of men and I'd prefer to look at the women. That's not really sexual though, i've never looked at a woman and thought "I want her" just as I don't look at my husband and think that. That's just aesthetics.

This is one massive wind up isn't it.
Everything you have said- the weird bit about him reading this thread- the he's a writer but hasn't actually ever had anything published- the therapy to make him not want sex anymore- all your baiting responses

Total bullshite - great work OP

I find it strange that the pair of you got married knowing the attraction wasn't there. Perhaps you went into the marriage thinking you've put your cards on the table and he understands that there would rarely be any sex, whereas he maybe thought you'd grow to find him more desirable over time resulting in a good sex life?
I've never entered a relationship with a man who I haven't fancied but as time went on there personality/actions stopped me finding them attractive. And to be honest there's nothing worse than a man your not into anymore trying to convince you to take your knickers off.
You said you've never looked at anyone male or female and thought phwoar.. fit!
So as a teenager no Take That, Micheal Hutchison posters (picturing my own teenage wank wall now) If not perhaps you are Asexual. I don't know much about it but you should look it up.

Well sex is the only difference for me between my friendships and my relationship.

I honestly feel sorry for your husband. Set him free to find someone who can give him what he wants in a relationship.