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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 16/08/2023 18:03

It's important to him! Once every 6 months is quite low. Why did you marry him if you preferred women?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/08/2023 18:04

I don’t think you can unilaterally decide that sex isn’t important, wtf! It certainly would be important to me and I couldn’t cope with only having sex every two months with someone that wasn’t that interested and I’m a woman.

I think the only solution here is to have a frank conversation about how it doesn’t interest you and let your husband decide whether he’s prepared to accept that or whether he wants to end the marriage.

foolishone · 16/08/2023 18:05

Sex isn't important to you but you can't force him to accept that any more than he can force you to want to have sex.

This isn't about making someone change their view or needs.

Both of you need to be honest about how this can work but ultimately if you're not well matched sexually then maybe you should split.

Roselee1 · 16/08/2023 18:05

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violetcuriosity · 16/08/2023 18:05

Well, sex is important to most people and he deserves to feel loved and intimate if that's the way he wants to express that side of himself. He also deserves to be with somebody that finds him attractive. It sounds like he is trying really hard, I feel a bit sad for him reading this. However, equally, you have the right to not find it important and shouldn't feel pressured. This isn't about convincing him sex and feeling desired isn't important, it's about deciding together whether this relationship is going to work.

Sssudio · 16/08/2023 18:05

But sex is important to him.

it’s abundantly clear it is not important to you but also that it is to him, and this is something that’s nigh on impossible to reconcile unless either you start wanting sex again or he starts getting it elsewhere.

In the same way he can’t force you to enjoy sex you can’t force him to be happy without it.

Could you try couples counselling?

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 18:06

Wow. I feel sorry for him

He's not doing anything wrong. In fact he says he feels like shit when he's not sure his advances are wanted

Why did you marry him? You don't appear to want to have sex with him. You prefer women.

Set him free.

foolishone · 16/08/2023 18:06

If I was him, I'd probably want to split if I knew how you really felt.

whybotheratall · 16/08/2023 18:07

You have lied to the poor chap, before taking him on board

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 16/08/2023 18:07

Do all of you a favour and split. There are no winners here, not even the children.

You want to live in a sexless and touchless companionship.

He wants to have a physical relationship with his wife.

Your kids are absorbing what a relationship and marriage looks like from the pair of you.

You’re all losing here.

Window82 · 16/08/2023 18:07

I think you really can’t continue like this without you probably ending up hating him and him probably going elsewhere. You have the right to say No but he also needs the contact and intimacy. So what’s the answer? If you don’t want him, don’t want sex and don’t find him attractive then let him go, because it will be soul and confidence destroying for him. Maybe it’s time you find a woman

Moopyhereagain · 16/08/2023 18:08

Hmm this is difficult for both of you. I’m not sure you can ‘make him realise sex isn’t important.’ It really is for many people - for me it’s at the heart of a relationship along with the intimacy that goes with it. Otherwise you are just loving friends and co-parents - which works for some people but not your husband.
It’s not a sex drive mis-match really - it’s an attraction mis match?
Your options look a bit bleak - stay together and open up your marriage? Keep the status quo and he is miserable and feels unloved? And might start to look elsewhere - not inevitable but could be likely. Couples therapy?

Normalnormal · 16/08/2023 18:10

Why did you marry a man you’re not attracted to?

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 18:11

I agree with you but it’s probably different for men

MarshmallowsOnToast · 16/08/2023 18:13

"Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive"

This has got to be a reverse. What a weird thing to say!

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 18:14

I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

I think yabu for this tbh. It sounds manipulative "if you really loved me you'd accept a celibate life".

I agree with pp, set him free. Do an amicable breakup. This arrangement is not fair on him. I'd be totally crushed and losing my will to live if I were him.

Lentilweaver · 16/08/2023 18:14

A reverse.

AquamarineGlass · 16/08/2023 18:14

I think the constant rejection, humouring and lies are probably more hurtful than just the lack of sex.

Everything from the thread title onwards shows a wish to manipulate to get your own way and a real lack of empathy.

You're asking us how you can trick or cajole your husband into accepting a situation that he isn't happy with for the rest of his life...don't you think that's problematic?

WallaceinAnderland · 16/08/2023 18:16

You can decide what's important to you.

He can decide what's important to him.

You do not have to have sex at all if you don't want to.

He does not have to stay in a sexless relationship if he doesn't want to.

All you can do is each set out what you are happy to agree on and take it from there. If it means a separation then so be it because you both deserve to be happy.

LaPerduta · 16/08/2023 18:16

Good luck convincing a man in his 30s that sex isn't important. I think you're being very unfair - I mean the excuses are endless. Just do the poor bloke a favour and let him find someone else.

fetchacloth · 16/08/2023 18:17

I feel so sorry for your poor husband 😢 frankly I'm amazed that he hasn't found sex elsewhere.
I think it's time for a frank discussion and maybe discuss where you both move on from here.
Good luck 💐

KaySararSarar · 16/08/2023 18:18

Sorry - YAB sooo U. This is not a happy marriage!

plumtreebroke · 16/08/2023 18:19

Once a week wouldn't kill you and would make him happy, it's not exactly torture.

Comedycook · 16/08/2023 18:19

Not since February? Yikes. I feel sorry for him.

Do you want him to have an affair? It's probably just a matter of time....

FOJN · 16/08/2023 18:20

I think you are being quite selfish. He appears to be doing what he can to cultivate intimacy and you are rejecting his efforts at every turn.

No one is obliged to have sex they don't want but you can't just decide sex doesn't matter to you so it shouldn't matter to him. It does matter to him and I suspect that even if you tried to make an effort it would be half hearted because you don't really want sex.

I think you need to be honest with him and discuss how you separate amicably so you can co-parent your children. He deserves a fulfilling relationship and you deserve to be free of the pressure to have sex.