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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
chopc · 16/08/2023 20:30

@Deedeeraaraa sexual attraction and intimacy and sex are important in a marriage. You are feeling the way you are as you don't find him attractive and may prefer sex with women anyway

Squishmallowy · 16/08/2023 20:31

Don’t mean to sound offensive but I think the poor guy would be better off without you. If you don’t find him attractive and don’t want sex it’s a bit selfish to be masquerading as his romantic partner when you just want someone to help raise the kids with and a companion!

aboutbloodytime123 · 16/08/2023 20:39

I know a guy whose wife told him when he was in his 30s that she never wanted to have sex again. They are now divorced. He tried, and he did love her, but he just couldn't live with it. I think, if you do have a sex drive and your partner doesn't, it's torture. You have every right to not do it if you don't want to. But I think you need to also understand that this won't work for him and he will probably need to find someone new.

givemeglitter · 16/08/2023 20:43

My ex was like this with me and honestly it was torture. Being consistently turned down by the person you love is horrendous for your self esteem.

I am very tactile and physically affectionate and he wasn't. We were not compatible.

Now I'm with someone else who has the same sex drive as me and I am so so much happier

watyawant · 16/08/2023 20:45

Just in case this isn't a reverse

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
It's not important to you, it is to him.

Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
Do you actually believe this? I don't know of many people who aren't bothered if their other half finds them attractive or not. What a strange (and quite horrible) thing to say

I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.
You shouldn't have married him, you're looking at it like a business partnership where your business is raising children and not much else.

I can't imagine he is very happy. I hope you separate and he finds someone who wants to provide him with some intimacy and you find someone (a woman?) who gives you WOW moments and makes you think once a month sex isn't nearly enough.
Do it for both of you.

JenniferBooth · 16/08/2023 20:46

Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive

Yes you often find that the person who doesnt find their partner attractive wrongly assumes that no one else will either.

AuntieEsther · 16/08/2023 20:50

Poor guy. You are being very unreasonable.

larkstar · 16/08/2023 20:52

Your behaviour is monstrous, cruel, self serving and dishonest: you're entitled to feel the way you do but deliberately misleading him, by not being totally frank and convincing with him is nothing short of abuse: he has one previous life. He could have a happier and far more fulfilling life... if only he knew there truth about the depth and scale of your feelings.

No wonder you've had your ass handed to you on a plate.

AllOfThemWitches · 16/08/2023 20:53

Oh my gosh, if my boyfriend told me "sex isn't important and who cares if nobody fancies you?" I'd be absolutely gutted. Wtf!?

Wherearemymarbles · 16/08/2023 20:58

Well OP
If I was your husband and read that post you’d be divorced by the morning
You come across as really quite a dreadful person

larkstar · 16/08/2023 20:58

duh!
precious life

nameitagain · 16/08/2023 21:02

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.
Quite ridiculous. You can't convince someone with a libido that sex isn't important just because you don't want it. He is a young man. Let him go and find happiness with someone who really loves him

Sorrynotsorry2 · 16/08/2023 21:05

Wtf how selfish , all I read from your op is me me me .

Grow up

Meadowflower2023 · 16/08/2023 21:11

The constant rejection must be crushing him. I think the same as lots of pp have said, let the poor man go. You'll both probably end up much happier in a relationship you actually want to be in.

Trixiefirecracker · 16/08/2023 21:14

Normalnormal · 16/08/2023 18:10

Why did you marry a man you’re not attracted to?

And then tell him you are not attracted to him, just to hammer the mail in. Awful. If this were a man saying that to a woman, they’d be crucified.

BarbaraV · 16/08/2023 21:18

Poor man. I feel really sorry for him. Why on earth did you marry him if you prefer women?

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 21:21

plumtreebroke · 16/08/2023 18:19

Once a week wouldn't kill you and would make him happy, it's not exactly torture.

It actually very much can be torture to have sex you don't want to have.

I wasn't attracted to my ex, he knew that but heavily psychologically manipulated me into being in a relationship with him, self harming in front of me etc.

The sex caused me significant trauma, more than when I'd been raped.

Anyport · 16/08/2023 21:24

I wouldn't worry about it, he'll work it out himself and leave.

Greenwitchhorse · 16/08/2023 21:32

You are living a lie...

You married someone you were never really attracted to. You knew you preferred women.

I assume you did the because you wanted children and the appearance of a traditional family.

Frankly you need to finally be honest with yourself and your partner, end this relationship and give both of you the chance to find real love with someone else.

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 21:33

The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

Did he know you weren't attracted to him specifically or just less attracted to men?

A lot of people are trying to make out you're lying to him or always did, but there are a lot of men out there who are very persistent about trying to get a woman who is not that into him to go out with him. Often the "nice guy" type. And they make out that the attraction doesn't really matter because you get on so well etc.

They don't understand the repercussions of it long term with one being that your partner is not going to want to have sex with you and often neither do the women who are talked into these relationships.....but then the woman gets made out to be the monster who strung the man along for the whole relationship.

bevvy81 · 16/08/2023 21:33

Have you considered that if you were with someone else this wouldn't be an issue?! I have a close friend who was in a similar situ. Ended marriage and got her sex mojo back. I firmly believe that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 21:41

I honestly don’t think ANYONE is going to think you’re being reasonable here OP

Teenagehorrorbag · 16/08/2023 21:44

plumtreebroke · 16/08/2023 18:19

Once a week wouldn't kill you and would make him happy, it's not exactly torture.

Agree with this! I'm a bit unbothered since the menopause, but I know DH likes sex and also we both like the intimacy - it's about the only time we really get the chance to connect since having children. They are also teenagers so we tend to do it about once a week when they are out, during the day.

Tbh I wouldn't be that bothered about never doing it again - but I also know I do enjoy it when I make the effort. Plus DH would be really upset if I didn't find him attractive or never wanted to DTD again - as would most people in a loving relationship. Just because I've got a bit lazy doesn't mean I can't make the effort and enjoy some couple time.

If you really don't find your DH attractive at all - then agree with PPs you probably need to set him free to find a fulfilling and loving relationship. Poor bloke!

Babbleoff · 16/08/2023 21:48

I’m your DH in my relationship and believe me its awful and its probably going to end ours. I’m not accepting a sexless, or a joyless-sex life and nor should your husband.

blablabla123 · 16/08/2023 21:53

This is really sad... to think that another woman would adore him and find him attractive and he is wasting his days "waiting" for you...
I understand that many things can affect our mood/hormones and sex appetite but seeing the person you love enjoying themselves should be enough to want to do that more than once a year?