Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Do you want to have sex with women, or do you have no sex drive at all?

Well yeah, that's the crux of it really. I'd rather be hurt badly by stark reality than tortured by a long long lie

I also think this is a reverse.

But I think this relationship is dead, sorry. I felt exactly like ‘you’ (could have written the post 10 years ago in fact) and the marriage ended.

I find my current DP very attractive and hey presto, I want sex all the time.

You sound completely and utterly self absorbed. You consider your view correct and his feelings or sense of self worth appear to be irrelevant to you. I don't agree with anyone having sex they don't want you married him under false pretenses - you had no interest in having a healthy sex life and weren't attracted to him.

You married him knowing you preferred woman & don't find him at that attractive.

Is he reliable, provides security or money? Sounds like you used him. I hope he divorces you because he deserves better than that?

(You aren't a yoga teacher on a journey of self discovery and enlightenment by any chance?)

I feel sorry for your dh tbh

He does want sex with you! And sounds like he is trying and making an effort

Sex is important to him
You can't keep going on like this and neither can he it's surely fairer to end this relationship

Do you find women attractive

Another who feels sorry for your DH, it sounds like he's really trying but without putting pressure on you.

You can absolutely decide that sex isn't important to you. You absolutely cannot decide that it can't be important to him.

Sex is literally the difference between a friendship and a relationship - it sounds like you're happy with the former, but he wants a physical relationship with his wife. Which is NORMAL!

Let the poor chap go and find someone who wants him in that way, you can choose to be celibate. Everyone wins 🤷‍♀️

Although I would fully agree that no-one should be forced to have sex, but there is something else going on here. Your tone is quite scathing as if he is somehow desperate and needy for wanting a physical relationship with his wife. It sounds like he is making quite a bit of effort to try different things to get things going again. This seems to make you angry towards him.
These issues are fairly complex and I would suggest that together you go for some couples counselling to explore what is going on with a neutral person, who can guide you through some tricky conversations.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

(You aren't a yoga teacher on a journey of self discovery and enlightenment by any chance?).

Indeed!! It would be funny if it wasn't so crushingly unfair and callous on the poor man.

I also think it's a reverse and it's the husband posting expressing his wife's position.

If that's so, I can see why you've done that, OP.

Of course anyone can decide they don't want sex but they can't also impose celibacy on the other party.

It does matter that people feel desired by their partner.

What's the point otherwise? This marriage sounds dead in the water and it was really selfish of her to marry a man she wasn't attracted to. Or a man at all!

Sex is important to many/most people.
You shouldn't have sex you don't want, but nor should you be so callous and dismissive.

Both these parts
*How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.

And

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Seem a little manipulative to me.

It's entirely reasonable for sex to be a valued part of a relationship and your outlook sounds like "if you loved me you'd accept a celibate relationship with no physical intimacy".

He can't seem to win here.

If you prefer women and don't find him attractive it sounds like you've led him on a bit. He might have settled for a less-frequent sex life than ideal because love and relationships involve compromise, but what you actually want is something very different. You seem to expect him to remain in a sexless relationship.

Feel sad for your hubby. I think you are being selfish - all this is about you, not him. Get divorced and let him find someone new.

I agree whth those that say whilst sex isn't important to u, it is important to him. I (f) was in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearli 2 and a half years. My sex drive was much higher than his. There was no real discussion about this. I think when sex drives are mismatched it can be devastating. I felt like a sex pest. He probably thought that too. I realised in my next relationship that his idea of 'normal sex drive, and mine, were totally mismatched. I hope you can find a happy medium.

I feel really sorry for your husband. Let him go if you don't want to have sex with him. You cannot expect him to live like that. Sounds like everything is on your terms and it must be really frustrating for him.

This has to be a reverse. No one s that self absorbed are they

You say you love him which is a good start but are you in love with him? To me, if you're in love with someone sex is a way of expressing that love. Your husband wants to have sex with you because he loves you, wants intimacy with you and appears to be saying and doing all the right things to help re-kindle that intimacy. It would really hurt him to hear you find him unattractive, and it seems like you're making a lot of excuses not to have sex - work, kids, tidy house. Spontaneous sex can be more exciting so sod the housework! Perhaps you need to speak to him about your feelings and see if this is something you can both work on together as you're on two different pages. You can't stop your husband wanting sex, whether that is with you or someone else. Just because you don't find him attractive, doesn't mean that someone else will.

If you preferred women why did you marry a man? Wouldn't have taken a fortune teller to see how conflicted that is...

I cannot believe how little respect you have for your husband. He deserves so much better and I hope one day soon, before he is old, he realises that and finds a woman who loves and wants him.

This can’t be serious? You want help to make your husband realise it’s not important that you’re not attracted to him and don’t want to have sex with him??

Well you do think less of him, you’re not at all sexually attracted to him and you want him to accept your unilateral decision to have a celibate marriage. Sounds like he’s tried an awful lot to come up with solutions or some sort of compromise but you’re only interested in the reasons why you won’t have sex with him. Basically you prefer women and don’t feel any sexual attraction to him and I think you need to be clear about that to him and that it will never change. NOT that sex is unimportant as it’s important to loads of people. You’re more than entitled to choose a celibate life or to decide never to have sex with him again. But stop putting it off and making excuses as to why you don’t want sex and be clear with him what the score is.

And if he chooses to stay then that’s his choice, and if he decides he doesn’t want to be celibate and to leave (which is what i’d do) then I think you owe it to him to be reasonable and fair and co-parent to the best of your ability with him.

but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

How occasionally? Twice a fucking year??

So because sex isn't important or of Interest to you, he is expected to behave accordingly and forget his sex drive?

Next you'll be complaining he's having an affair or divorcing you and quite frankly...who could blame him?

Where is your priority to this marriage and meeting his needs a bit? Much easier to post on MNet I suppose than look at your shortcomings.

Quote: “it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive”

I think you mean how do you convince your husband it doesn’t matter if you don’t find him attractive. I think it would matter to most people. Most people could not be convinced it doesn’t matter. If my husband told me he did not find me attractive (with no caveat e.g. because he was depressed/tired/feeling bad about himself or whatever) just told me he did not find me attractive and that was that, I would be devastated and would need to plan how and when we would separate.

If you think someone is nice but don’t find them attractive they are a friend rather than a partner surely.