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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
SpicyMoth · 16/08/2023 22:07

I've not properly read through responses, but it sounds to me as though sex drive isn't necessarily the problem - but foreplay and getting you in the mood is?
Men can just pop a boner at random, women need a bit of a warm up - sensual touching etc
I think it's pretty normal to not be in the mood until someone or something gets you in the mood to be honest! 😅

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:11

Thank you for your replies. I really didn't expect so many already.
Obviously I don't agree with many of them but I'm grateful for them regardless.

I've not read every reply but I'd really like to clarify some of the misconceptions in a few responses.

Firstly, obviously I was frustrated when I wrote the original post and maybe was more blunt with things than I had intended to be. I have a tendency to waffle, otherwise.

Anyway:
My husband absolutely knew my preferences when we got together. We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.

If I do ever have sex again I want it to be with him. That I have always found women more attractive is more a side note. I've never really looked at someone and thought "they're hot" or "I'd like to have sex with them"
And it sort of creeps me out thinking that someone would look at me like that.

I do find it really sad the number of people who think leaving their partner is an appropriate thing to do if you no longer find them attractive. I just think about if you were in an accident or something.

I think I put it poorly by saying "you don't need sex if you live someone." I mean more that love is more than sex. He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

I've not masturbated since I was a teenager. Even then I only did it a couple of times. I never really had the urge to do it often.

I've never spoken to a doctor about my sex drive because I don't see how it's problem.

OP posts:
Britinme · 16/08/2023 22:21

It may not be your problem, but it's sure as hell his. Don't you even want to explore why you may have this issue to see if you feel any differently in consequence?

Whattodo112222 · 16/08/2023 22:23

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:11

Thank you for your replies. I really didn't expect so many already.
Obviously I don't agree with many of them but I'm grateful for them regardless.

I've not read every reply but I'd really like to clarify some of the misconceptions in a few responses.

Firstly, obviously I was frustrated when I wrote the original post and maybe was more blunt with things than I had intended to be. I have a tendency to waffle, otherwise.

Anyway:
My husband absolutely knew my preferences when we got together. We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.

If I do ever have sex again I want it to be with him. That I have always found women more attractive is more a side note. I've never really looked at someone and thought "they're hot" or "I'd like to have sex with them"
And it sort of creeps me out thinking that someone would look at me like that.

I do find it really sad the number of people who think leaving their partner is an appropriate thing to do if you no longer find them attractive. I just think about if you were in an accident or something.

I think I put it poorly by saying "you don't need sex if you live someone." I mean more that love is more than sex. He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

I've not masturbated since I was a teenager. Even then I only did it a couple of times. I never really had the urge to do it often.

I've never spoken to a doctor about my sex drive because I don't see how it's problem.

But you're enforcing celibacy on your husband when he clearly still wants to have intimacy and sex.

Are you open to him fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2023 22:24

Ending a marriage because you’re being forced into unwanted celibacy is sensible. He’s 38 fgs, he’s not going to stay with you if things carry on this way. You give no consideration to his feelings at all.

Tell him you don’t want to have sex with him don’t find him attractive, then at least you’re being honest, and let him find a relationship with someone who fancies the pants off him and wants to shag him senseless.

If sex is so unimportant you presumably wouldn’t mind him getting it with someone else. That’s not what he wants, he wants a decent sex life with his wife but he’s not going to get that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 22:24

@Deedeeraaraa

what about an open marriage OP? Then your husband can get his sexual needs met whilst staying with you.

baroqueandblue · 16/08/2023 22:25

He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

You you you and what you need, really, isn't it love? He makes you feel all those lovely things, while you make him feel endlessly frustrated, unattractive, rejected and 'rapey'.

He really lucked out, poor guy 😞

Takeabreather23 · 16/08/2023 22:27

Wow!
I think you deserve a hard time
on here like a man posting this would or maybe anyway tbf.

your a fake and a Lier , and you would have time for sex and want to make time for sex if you fancied him…. You don’t !

Me me me .

the poor guy is thinking your just told tired and need time away from chores and home to feel
sexy again .

Dont be selfish anymore and let him meet someone who will want him and also want to have sex with him .

Cowlover89 · 16/08/2023 22:27

Poor guy

Sharknails · 16/08/2023 22:30

It always shocks me how so many people on mumsnet think sex is worth breaking up your family for.

They can ooen up the marriage if it's so important to him, there's absolutely no need to break their children's hearts and derail their lives by divorcing.

Divorce negatively impacts children and that's a fact.

I'm sure somebody will jump on this and suggest that staying together will mess the children up in one way or another but I'm not buying that. It's not an abusive household, just one where the parents aren't sexually compatible.

There are much more important things than sex.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:31

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 21:33

The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

Did he know you weren't attracted to him specifically or just less attracted to men?

A lot of people are trying to make out you're lying to him or always did, but there are a lot of men out there who are very persistent about trying to get a woman who is not that into him to go out with him. Often the "nice guy" type. And they make out that the attraction doesn't really matter because you get on so well etc.

They don't understand the repercussions of it long term with one being that your partner is not going to want to have sex with you and often neither do the women who are talked into these relationships.....but then the woman gets made out to be the monster who strung the man along for the whole relationship.

He knew that it was men generally. I never said point blank that it I wasn't attracted to him but he knew I'd never really had a proper boyfriend before him.
But also that my relationships had all developed from friendships and that companionship.
I really don't believe in Love At First Sight. Or even Lust at first sight.

OP posts:
Twoleftlegs · 16/08/2023 22:32

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:11

Thank you for your replies. I really didn't expect so many already.
Obviously I don't agree with many of them but I'm grateful for them regardless.

I've not read every reply but I'd really like to clarify some of the misconceptions in a few responses.

Firstly, obviously I was frustrated when I wrote the original post and maybe was more blunt with things than I had intended to be. I have a tendency to waffle, otherwise.

Anyway:
My husband absolutely knew my preferences when we got together. We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.

If I do ever have sex again I want it to be with him. That I have always found women more attractive is more a side note. I've never really looked at someone and thought "they're hot" or "I'd like to have sex with them"
And it sort of creeps me out thinking that someone would look at me like that.

I do find it really sad the number of people who think leaving their partner is an appropriate thing to do if you no longer find them attractive. I just think about if you were in an accident or something.

I think I put it poorly by saying "you don't need sex if you live someone." I mean more that love is more than sex. He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

I've not masturbated since I was a teenager. Even then I only did it a couple of times. I never really had the urge to do it often.

I've never spoken to a doctor about my sex drive because I don't see how it's problem.

But all of this is about you

Thats great for you that you are happy, but he isn’t.

he clearly values sex. It’s not important to you. You can’t unilaterally decide that sex isn’t a priority in the marriage and expect him to be ok with that. That doesn’t mean he gets to pressure you or you have to do things you don’t want to do- but that he is free to leave the relationship.

He is completely reasonable to want sex more than 6 times a year.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 22:33

Sharknails · 16/08/2023 22:30

It always shocks me how so many people on mumsnet think sex is worth breaking up your family for.

They can ooen up the marriage if it's so important to him, there's absolutely no need to break their children's hearts and derail their lives by divorcing.

Divorce negatively impacts children and that's a fact.

I'm sure somebody will jump on this and suggest that staying together will mess the children up in one way or another but I'm not buying that. It's not an abusive household, just one where the parents aren't sexually compatible.

There are much more important things than sex.

@Sharknails

you can think what you like but a 38 year old isn’t going to resign himself to a life of celibacy and that’s that
you don’t cease to exist as a person in your own right with your own needs etc just because you become a parent

Wakemeup17 · 16/08/2023 22:35

Sharknails · 16/08/2023 22:30

It always shocks me how so many people on mumsnet think sex is worth breaking up your family for.

They can ooen up the marriage if it's so important to him, there's absolutely no need to break their children's hearts and derail their lives by divorcing.

Divorce negatively impacts children and that's a fact.

I'm sure somebody will jump on this and suggest that staying together will mess the children up in one way or another but I'm not buying that. It's not an abusive household, just one where the parents aren't sexually compatible.

There are much more important things than sex.

What if they open up the marriage and he falls in love with the new person?

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 16/08/2023 22:35

I have to say that you don't even seem like you do love him. And why would you have married him if you weren't attracted to him?

You don't like to feel his touch, unless it.makes you tingle but how is he supposed to know when that is and when it isn't he will.be rejected. Not a great way to live.

He tried to make time for you both to be away together ❤️ take the pressure off from doing every day things like cooking, cleaning, washing clothes etc to allow you to relax and perhaps feel like you wanted to have sex with your husband as when you are at home you say you are busy.

Feels to me like he is in a lose, lose relationship and you only want him around for companionship. He has other needs. If you aren't on the same page sexually then you need to separate. It's unfair on you both.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/08/2023 22:36

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:11

Thank you for your replies. I really didn't expect so many already.
Obviously I don't agree with many of them but I'm grateful for them regardless.

I've not read every reply but I'd really like to clarify some of the misconceptions in a few responses.

Firstly, obviously I was frustrated when I wrote the original post and maybe was more blunt with things than I had intended to be. I have a tendency to waffle, otherwise.

Anyway:
My husband absolutely knew my preferences when we got together. We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.

If I do ever have sex again I want it to be with him. That I have always found women more attractive is more a side note. I've never really looked at someone and thought "they're hot" or "I'd like to have sex with them"
And it sort of creeps me out thinking that someone would look at me like that.

I do find it really sad the number of people who think leaving their partner is an appropriate thing to do if you no longer find them attractive. I just think about if you were in an accident or something.

I think I put it poorly by saying "you don't need sex if you live someone." I mean more that love is more than sex. He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

I've not masturbated since I was a teenager. Even then I only did it a couple of times. I never really had the urge to do it often.

I've never spoken to a doctor about my sex drive because I don't see how it's problem.

Is your husband happy to live in a celibate marriage until one of you dies?

Hawkins009 · 16/08/2023 22:37

All the best op.

Happierlife7 · 16/08/2023 22:38

I think most people dread ending up in a marriage with someone like you, and yet your lack of empathy and understanding is astounding. As well as that, why are you still married, isn’t what you have more of a friendship? Let him go to find someone that wants him.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:38

I think he might be interested in that.
He's mentioned me getting therapy before but I'm happy. I don't feel like I need therapy.
This might sound silly to some but I pray sometimes and God helps me.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 22:38

I'm another who thinks it's a reverse.

You don't have a lower sex drive, you don't really have one at all, so the comparison isn't valid.

nameitagain · 16/08/2023 22:39

Sharknails · 16/08/2023 22:30

It always shocks me how so many people on mumsnet think sex is worth breaking up your family for.

They can ooen up the marriage if it's so important to him, there's absolutely no need to break their children's hearts and derail their lives by divorcing.

Divorce negatively impacts children and that's a fact.

I'm sure somebody will jump on this and suggest that staying together will mess the children up in one way or another but I'm not buying that. It's not an abusive household, just one where the parents aren't sexually compatible.

There are much more important things than sex.

Ok so change 'sex' for 'affection'. Do you think a relationship can survive without affection? Why? Or conversation. Or humour. Of course saying sex isn't everything is true but nothing is everything yet most of us would agree that a relationship devoid of affection or conversation or humour would be a rubbish relationship. Sane as sex. You obv don't think so but then you are not everyone

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 22:40

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:38

I think he might be interested in that.
He's mentioned me getting therapy before but I'm happy. I don't feel like I need therapy.
This might sound silly to some but I pray sometimes and God helps me.

@Deedeeraaraa

you are happy but he clearly isn’t

BarelyLiterate · 16/08/2023 22:41

It’s all about you and what you want or don’t want, isn’t OP?
Not once in any of your posts do you say anything to indicate that you care at all about your poor husband or what he might want. Maybe you should think about being a little less selfish & inconsiderate?

BarelyLiterate · 16/08/2023 22:41

It’s all about you and what you want or don’t want, isn’t OP?
Not once in any of your posts do you say anything to indicate that you care at all about your poor husband or what he might want. Maybe you should think about being a little less selfish & inconsiderate?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2023 22:42

Did you marry him so you could have children with someone?

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